Okay so. 19F, I've always been queer. I never had to come out as my first crush was a girl and I told EVERYONE lol. Anyways, I've always known I've liked women.

However, once I was about 15 and over, I noticed I kinda started ignoring it. Not that I tried to pretend it wasn't there, but I only ever sought out men and the one girl I had a thing with ended up mean anyways and I cut it off.

I dated one man for 6 months and another man for 2 years, and I just broke up with him like a month ago. I've also always been much more into fictional men than fictional women, but I think that has more to do with my gender identity which is an entirely different topic LOL. I wouldn't describe myself as attracted to fictional men though, it's more like I simply have more of a connection to male characters than female ones. If I imagine scenarios etc, no matter what it is never me in them, It's of two characters.

On and off in these last few years dating men, I've suddenly been absolutely disgusted by the concept. Even before getting into these relationships I've been like.. "Am I really into this guy?" and I promise I'm not proud of possibly leading these guys on, but I'm not sure if what I felt was a crush or was love because I feel like I have nothing to compare it to?

This is surfacing again as I'm kinda loosely seeing another guy casually now. We seem really compatible and he's so kind, but I fear I'm getting the same feeling as before which is like... I could date this guy, but I feel like it would be missing something. And it sucks because I feel like he should be my type and I just can't do it? But for the record I understand sometimes you're simply not into the person and it is what it is. I think the physical attraction just isn't there.

Something else I just remembered is I'm naturally much more smitten with girls than I am with guys. About a year ago, a rlly pretty alt girl came into my work and I remember messing up her order because I was so distracted by how pretty she was. My manager even got upset lol. I never remember feeling that way from a man, although I can definitely appreciate looking at them when they're attractive, I've never really had my jaw drop from a man unless it's more of a they have a really cool aesthetic kind of thing.

Anyways. Does anyone relate to this at all? I genuinely wonder if I might be on the ace spectrum instead or if I'm just gay. I'm definitely breaking things off with the guy I'm seeing because it most definitely isn't fair to lead him on during this crisis, but yeah. Any similar experiences? I know likely my next step is to just date women and see how I feel, but the concept is so daunting!!! Thank you everyone for reading lol. I hope I made a bit of sense!!

I've cried harder than I have in a long time. I've questioned my gender before only for it to kinda disappear, but I'm worried it's not going to this time.

A part of me wants to be a man. I don't know if it's all of who I am, if I'm genderfluid, or what, but I'm so fucking scared. I've never been a man before. I don't know if I would even be any good at it. A part of me is so curious. I've had periods of my life where masculinity felt as essential as breathing. It hasn't been recently, and I wasn't trying to repress, but suddenly I can tell part of me wants that mode of expression back. Whether it's an essential part of who I am, or an instrumental way to fulfill a psychological need, I don't know, but I'm worried I'm going to get surgery or go on hormones and end up regretting it.

I've definitely had a rough couple of months, but there's a lot I tend to like about myself. I like my (undoubtedly female) name, I don't mind my pronouns, my body is honestly pretty nice (besides the weight gain lol), but I can tell a part of me doesn't feel at home here. But a part of me does! I wouldn't be crying my fucking eyes out if I didn't. And it came on so suddenly, man. I've been wearing a women's swimsuit, I have a bridesmaids dress for my sister's wedding. I didn't like my short haircut because it felt too masculine at first. Where did it go? When did this part of me come back? It feels so sudden, even though logically I can tell the parts of the pattern were probably still there, underlying everything, but it's really scary.

I can't square it. I think a part of me wants to feel viscerally, physically masculine, to actually see how far this goes. But another part of me is scared. Masculinity looks difficult. It seems like there are a lot of expectations. I live a pretty nice life most of the time, right where I am. I worry I'm going to be at odds with myself for the rest of my life. I hate how egg-y everything I say feels, and I hate how little I know about whether or not I'll have made the right choice.

I AM SO CONFUSED

AM I BERRI?

AM I LESBOY?

AM I OMNI?! AGHHHHHHHH

(Also im not exactly a man, im genderfaunet)