so i’m ace mostly repulsed

but like hugs???? omg when it’s with people im emotionally close to i just like hugging and i never wanna stop

my best friend and i were leaving practice after i walked her to her car we hugged for like a while it was way more than just a quick hug we like hugged for a solid 10-15 seconds and it’s just like ahhhh it makes me so happy

i just was wondering if it’s a shared experience

As an asexual man, I have been trying to find dating advice for other asexuals. I am not someone who is interested in sex whatsoever - I find It quite repulsive in all honesty. So, I try to find dating advice for people like myself. And what I find is this disgusting article.

It starts out okay, talking about how asexuality is not a mental disorder or anything like that, which is good for people to be saying.

And then we get to this paragraph. THIS FUCKING PARAGRAPH. Saying that sex repulsed aces are only a minority, and that “most asexuals enjoy sex actually!”

I’m so fucking tired of hearing this anytime asexuality is brought up. I am not interested in having sex, EVER. I don’t wanna hear about how “asexuals can have sex actually!!!” every time I look for dating advice. I want to be able to have a boyfriend who accepts that I am asexual, and that sex is never going to be on the table.

Genuinely at this point just tell me I am never going to get a boyfriend, it’d be better than this shit this article tries to label as “advice”.

I honestly don't know what to label myself as anymore! I mean, I am only sexually attracted to my bf and I do want to have sex with him, I enjoy it. If that's your case as well, do you still consider yourself ace? Demi? I know asexuality is a spectrum and you can identify as whatever makes you feel comfortable, but I wonder what everybody else feels about this!

Hello everyone. Sorry if there is mistake in my writing English is not my main language.

So I was just enjoying a little game of LoL, when in the tchat someone ask me for my sex. As a joke because it was a strange question and because I'm never serious I respond "Not before marriage". Which was funny to me, but just after they both came on me and said "Why are you saying that when you got a asexual flag as a profile picture?? Wtf asexual larping". I totally forgot that that was my profile picture so I didn't see anything else than my joke. I than tried to explain to them that it's not because you don't feel sexual attraction that you will never have sex like if I want to have kid or for other reasons. They continue to came hard at me like "You're lying", "As a transfem I don't claim you as lgbt", "Asexuality is the easiest to larp", etc... I was confuse as to why they talked like they knew me better than myself and a little disheartened because once again I had to fight to prove who I was and that I was valid. They then began to ask me for my discord, start to saying that I was contradicting myself and when I try to say that once again it was the lgbt community that was going against an ace for nothing they came harder on me saying that it was nonsense. They even start saying "You're the kind of person that don't believe non-binary exist" (??????) wtf I don't know you we talk 10 lines in 5 minutes. I blocked them from everything because they want and ask me as a friend and even to search for my discord. I still don't understand why someone would want to larp asexuality like it's a cool thing and not just something that half the world don't know about...

I'm so tired of having to explain and prove who I am or what I feel. As a community, I think that every lgbt person went through enough self doubt and search of oneself to not be doubt and belittle by any other person of the community. Just be kind.

Sorry for the long text, I just need to vent

Context: I am very, very into a cartoon called Helluva Boss. It has always been known for its raunchy humour and sex jokes, which I'm completely fine with, but I had just watched the new episodes and I ended up having an anxiety attack about the sex scene/musical number in one of the latest episodes.

I can handle it when it's a humorous, jokey context, but this sequence was very raunchy/kinky. The creator did warn of this previously at panels, but I don't think I was fully prepared. It made me sweat, and I had to look away for most of it, and it sent me into a bit of an anxiety attack.

I feel very stupid for this, as it's just a cartoon at the end of the day. I just don't think I was fully prepared for it. I don't enjoy sex scenes as a whole, even if there aren't genitals shown, but I feel that since this was a lot different to the usual funny context, I got extremely flustered.

I was watching with my roommate, and I felt very stupid and embarrassed for reacting this way. I think I just want to know that I'm not alone in this. I feel like if I post in the subreddits/about it on twitter, I'll be met with 'well what did you expect' type stuff but I truly feel the show has never been this direct.

I'm autistic too, and I kinda feel like a comfort show for me made me uncomfortable, and it was unexpected. I just have a lot of feelings about it.

mourning the loss of a cool potential friend bc they were looking to date and they stopped talking to me when i said i wasnt interested in dating. i could use some humor to feel better.

Mods, strike me down if need be, sorry if this doesn’t fit the sub but I have a question.

I’m writing an Ace character who is not Aro and wondering if any of you have any advice

I don’t really plan to have a scene where their partner is like “Let’s have sex” and they’re like “I don’t want that” and then just say their ace.

Is there any subtle ways I can do ace rep without explicitly stating it and also avoiding stereotypes.

Hi everyone,

I’m (woman 33-in relation with a man) trying to understand whether my experience fits the gray‑romantic or gray‑ace spectrum. I’m not asexual— I’m bi— but my patterns of attraction have always been extremely rare.

**1. I almost never get crushes.**
Since I was young, crushes have been a very rare experience for me — more like **once every 2–3 years**. I can spend years in social environments without feeling attracted to anyone. For example, I’ve worked with about 150 coworkers for five years and only felt attracted to **one** person.

**2. I don’t experience spontaneous or daily attraction.**
I never feel the light, passing attraction or micro‑excitement that many allosexual people describe. Someone can be objectively attractive, but it doesn’t trigger anything in me emotionally or physically.

**3. My sexual feelings aren’t linked to attraction.**
I do masturbate, but it’s purely utilitarian mostly to relax or fall asleep. It’s not driven by desire for someone. My libido is Low but I still experience pleasure normally. From what I understand, libido and attraction are separate systems, and mine don’t overlap.

**4. When attraction happens, it’s extremely specific.**
It’s not based on looks, not automatic, and not frequent. It only happens in very particular emotional or contextual situations, and it always surprises me.

**5. I’m bi, but my attraction is extremely selective.
Being bisexual doesn’t make me experience attraction more often — it just means that when it does happen, it can be toward different genders.

Overall, I’m wondering if this pattern fits the **gray‑romantic** and/or **gray‑ace** experience. I’d appreciate any insight.

(TW: acephobia)

(This involves religion in relation to my personal experiences in relation to my asexuality and to provide context. I, in no way, mean to promote my faith, proselytize, or claim that people of my faith are oppressed. I do not care what other people believe, (as long as it is not hateful or promoting violence/otherwise harm) my religious beliefs are just what work for me. I do not expect for anyone to need to change their lives for my personal beliefs.)

I am asexual. This is something I only came to understand about two years ago, although I always knew I found those sorts of things strange and entirely unappealing.

I am also a diocesan Roman Catholic priest. (This means I work in a parish)

I have spoken to so many people that I could not think of a proper estimate of how many have spoken to me about lust before other than "a lot". Sex and lust is an incredibly common subject. I am regularly asked questions about, requested to give advice on, and counselling on this. Sins of lust are one of the most common that come up in confession.

Often the question comes up around my own experiences. This is very personal but I believe that it makes sense, often they want to know if this is something that I have also struggled with and how I deal with it. However, I don't have any. I have never wanted to commit any sort of sexual act, I do not find the idea of masturabation appealing.

Especially for men, there is a strong expectation for us to be inherently deeply sexual creatures. From my personal experience, the mere concept of this potentially not being the case is downright unthinkable to many.

When I am asked these things, and believe the question is relevant, I have come to always feel the need to give a whole preamble about how "everyone is different and we all struggle/are tempted by different things/in different ways" all "we all have our own cross to bear and this is different" etc. before I finally answer that I don't personally struggle with these things and that I am "not much of a sexual person at all”.

I know that, regardless of my preamble, it is more than likely that I will be assumed to be less than truthful. I have come to learn that priests are both expected to be not sexual people while at the same time, there is also that underlying assumption and stereotype that all of us struggle with lust. We are men, therefore are inherently deeply sexual and, as we cannot get married, there is no outlet for all that presumed sexual energy, all while this struggle is all the more taboo due to the nature of the vocation. When the honest answer is that I do not struggle with this at all, not even just very little, it could be seen as me trying to cover up these taboo temptations I must have.

However, I will still answer them all the same regardless of if they believe me or not. It is not like I will lie to them.

Even with other LGBTQ people, both Catholic and not, I have been confronted with the questions and direct, hard-line accusations before that this is not the reality of my situation. I must be lying to them or even myself to cover up guilt. I am trying to sound virtuous and “holier than thou”. Or maybe I am sexually repressed from my religion or from some sort of previous religious trauma I must have apparently suffered.

I have even been told that asexuality does not exist by LGBTQ+ people. I assumed that they wouldn't think it wasn't even real, but that apparently isn't the case.

Asexuality overall often seems to be denied by many, I just expected for other LGBTQ+ people to get it more. Regardless of who It comes from It is so invalidating, disheartening, and frustrating. It is so hurtful and I do not understand why it would be impossible for someone to want/like sex less or not at all. It is just one aspect of life, why does it matter if someone does not engage in it? It is especially confusing and hurtful to me when someone is very open and accepting of people with different sexualities, preferences, etc then apparently that extends only until someone's preference is nothing.

While how I was raised undoubtedly strongly impacts my world view and how I live my life to one extent or another, I do not believe I am asexual because of religious trauma. I don't believe I have religious trauma, (at least any that contributes to me being asexual in of itself.) I grew up in a very religious household and community, but religion was always an incredibly positive thing in my life. I always loved going to church/volunteering with/etc. Going to God and physically going to church was always something that felt safe and welcoming to me, especially during times when I did not feel that way about other places. Even our church’s priest growing up is an amazing man who has had an incredibly positive impact on me, I genuinely believe he saved my life. It was never something that made me feel overly guilty, like a bad person, fearful, or unworthy.

I wasn’t raised to believe that sex was evil and impure, nor that you are a bad tainted person if you have sex outside of marriage. Chastity was taught but in a way that sex was a special sacred thing made only for within a marriage. So it was presented by the positive angle, not a negative one and without badness being connected to sex. I grew up in a conservative community, but it wasn't openly demonized or the like, although I do suppose it wasn't really openly talked about much at all ever.

I have learned that I was definitely quite sheltered and there was a lot I didn't learn until I was an adult, (to a bit of an embarrassing extent sometimes, if I am being honest) although I think a great deal of it I believe was because I am dense to that sort of thing and have trouble picking it up.

Even if I don't think it would be the case that me being asexual would be because of anything like that, even if I had it. I never found it appealing since I even learned what it was. Wouldn't there still be at least some underlying desire or just something at the same time? I just don't want to flat out. The idea of never having sex in my life is great. I am not bothered by the idea of never being in a relationship at all. (as Solaire of Astoria isn't real. Lol) I do not mourn that at all.

I understand the immediate aversion based on my relation to religion and being a religious leader. It just still hurts my feelings even if I understand and do not blame anyone.

I feel like I do not belong anywhere.

My parish is in a conservative area with a mainly aging population. If I mention the word “asexual” directly off the bat I am concerned with creating an immediate lack of credibility due to prejudice towards this sort of terminology. I need to round about the word and explain what it is to warm them up before name dropping if the subject becomes relevant. Even before I do so I feel like they don't believe me.

If I go in LGBTQ+ spaces (at least online, I live in a very rural area and have little free time.) then I feel like I don't belong there either. Part of this is undoubtedly is just not anxiety but I have had negative experiences, even if I am not the one bringing up any of these things I will inevitably asked what I do for a living. It is upsetting that I feel like I can’t talk about my life without concern of potentially hurting others or making them uncomfortable due to my religion being inseparable from talking about it at all outside of my other random hobbies and interests. I love doing that but I still have to keep out the vast majority of what I do and my own life experiences. (Again, not about subjects regarding theology or proselytizing, just in context of those experiences, what I do during the day, etc.)

This is certainly mainly anxiety but I also have this feeling that I am not educated enough or I am missing something that everyone else knows that I don’t. I even feel weird saying that I am asexual, for whatever reason it feels like I am armchair diagnosing myself and that I am unqualified to decide that. I know that it is obviously not how it works but it still feels like that even though I know I am. I have done a lot of research, I genuinely want to know about other people and their lives and struggles, but I feel like I always don’t have enough. I am so bad with picking up common vernacular and it at least feels like terms are evolving and new ones come up so quickly that I can’t keep up. I already have to google slang while casually messaging and the like with even people my own age, and this feels so much harder because then sometimes it will lead to a new term or concept I don’t know so then I have to look into that to understand it, but then that leads to another term or concept I don’t know, and so on. I have asked for advice on this from people I know and even on reddit before that have given me excellent resources, but I still feel left behind.

I do not hold it against any of the LGBTQ+ people that they would be wary of me, especially due to my faith and vocation. LGBTQ+ people and both religion and religious people do not have a good track record to say the absolute least. So many of them have horrible experiences, even those that are not LGBTQ+. Religious trauma is horrifyingly common.

I am also not trying to declare that I am being victimised and somehow Christians are oppressed by the mean alphabet mafia here in the West, especially where I live in a majority Christian, and majority Catholic overall county. I know that isn't the case at all.

Talking about sexuality or romance in regards to myself is incredibly difficult for me. I am incredibly uncomfortable with just the idea of other people might think about what I may or may not be into at all. It is difficult for me to explain but it feels almost violating in a way.

If it actually comes to me talking about it then I am already in this vulnerable situation, then someone tells you “Nah, mate. That's just not real, you're lying to either me or yourself.” feels so bad.

I do not understand the idea that someone knows someone else's preferences better than them. Why would some say that someone else is just incorrect about their own personal preferences?

I am pretty sure I think that sex is yucky and I would rather just sit here, be celibate, and crush on fictional men. I'm sorry, I didn't realise I had to run that by the council to find out if I actually feel that way or if I am lying to myself and/or them.

Even now as I write this I am going in with the assumption that I will be assumed to be lying, mistaken, acting a victim (I know I am in an incredibly privileged position, I am not trying to claim I am in any way oppressed),, or trying to shove my religion in people's faces (I only mention it so heavily in this post as it is the main aspect of the post). I promise I am not doing those things.

I posted something with similarities to this before and I got a comment that I was playing 4d chess, making it up to try to promote my faith by making this story up so people then feel bad for me. I know I shouldn't be bothered by comments on the internet but it is still something I think about. I would keep out the aspects about religion but it is intrinsically tied to what I am trying to say.

I worry that I am overdoing it with all my disclaimers/clarifications even in this post, but I worry if I do not include them then it will be misinterpreted. I'm just worried.

If anyone has advice on any of this or similar experiences I would greatly appreciate them. Ideas for different angles on how to explain asexuality, how to respectfully bring it up with other LGBTQ+ people, resources or advice on my issues with staying updated with LGBTQ+ subjects would also be amazing.

Unfortunately I believe that there is not much I can actively do right now to truly get passed this. We can work to educatie, and normalize, and raise awareness of asexuality, and we should. But reasonably it is still a very long term goal. The preconceptions that also have to do with other greater societal issues are still there.

Especially with the state of the western world right now. Society is only becoming more extremely polarised. Hatred and discrimination overall is openly expressed and ruled on. Hatred against LGBTQ+ people has also greatly heightened and many rights walked back and stripped away. Religious extremism, particularly Christian extremism, is at a horrifying high, in the spotlight, and playing a large role in actual action against already discriminated against people. Anyone can come to change and understand, but it is still so much to get through.

It's just so rough. I wish I could grab someone by the shoulders, shake them while yelling whatever it is they should get through their head and just get it.

Does anyone relate to any part of my experience, and does anyone have advice? Either one would be greatly appreciated, especially if anyone else has gone through anything similar to any part of my experience and can relate at all.

When I was still with an ex, I did sexual things with him. I did not have an attraction to him or enjoy it, I simply did it because I thought that was just something I had to do and that's what normal people do. It just didn't occur to me very much that most people actually have sexual feelings and attraction, and I felt the need to fake it and I tried to convince myself that I did actually like this stuff, when I very obviously did not, I just wanted to be normal and I was obviously in denial and masked my real self for years to the point where I didn't even know who I was anymore. I also was emotionally abused by this ex and he pressured me into it (which my now boyfriend does not know), and he also constantly manipulated me into thinking the way he treated me was normal and okay. He also purposely made me extremely insecure and I wanted positive attention from him, unlike the usual body shaming he gave me. He gave positive sexual attention to other girls and negative sexual attention to me, and I wanted to finally feel attractive instead of how he usually made me feel. I am not very sex repulsed, but I certainly do not have any sexual attraction, I don't get horny at all, and I just don't enjoy that type of stuff or find any use or pleasure in doing it or thinking about it.

My now boyfriend does not understand asexuality very much and is also very disgusted at the fact that i've had a previous sexual experience. He knows I don't get horny, I don't experience sexual attraction, and all that other stuff, but when i've tried to add the asexual label on it, he just passive aggressively says that I obviously am not asexual due to my past sexual experience, where I was young. And at this age I constantly tried to mask certain parts of myself to be "normal," to the point where I didn't even know who I actually was and what I actually wanted. I was also directly pressured into it, along with many other factors.

However, at this point, any time I try to elaborate on or explain why I had this sexual experience, he just gets really angry and starts shaming me without trying to listen. Every time I try to explain it, it's just an "excuse" to him and he makes me feel really dumb and extremely invalid when I try to explain this stuff. Even if he brought it up nicely himself, i'd still be very scared to even say a word about it because of how he's reacted in the past. He truly does not understand any part of this at all and this is the only thing he's ever gotten really mad at me about, and now I'm at the point where even if I tried to explain this stuff to him he would most definitely call it an excuse and just get angry and make me feel dumb.

I (20f) have a girlfriend (21f). I like her a lot. When we started dating a few months ago we would make out sometimes, and sometimes it was ok, but usually I dislike it and am waiting to see if it has been long enough to stop without it being weird.

I dated one dude before this, and I like kissing my girlfriend a lot more than I liked doing anything with him, even thought I still don’t love it. He was sex obsessed though and if we were ever alone that is all he wanted to do - we both lived with our parents at the time cause we were in high school, and I would do anything to avoid being alone with him. Because of this I thought I was just into girls, cause I ended up hating him. I wanna be clear, he was very sexual and could be a bit pushy but the problem was that I didn’t know how to set boundaries. If I had ever straight up said “no I don’t feel like it” he would have respected it. I only did that once and it was totally fine, he didn’t even mention it again or act any different, except that I felt guilty the whole rest of the time. Again, that is my issue that I’m still working on.

To specific about the kissing - it is kinda gross to me, but the main thing is I just don’t really feel anything - that is why I thought I wasn’t into men, because I felt nothing except sometimes a bit grossed out when I kissed my boyfriend. When I started dating a girl it felt a lot better, and I do think I’m more into women, so I thought I had it figured out. But I was kinda heartbroken when we kissed and even though I like her a lot, it didn’t feel any different from kissing him, even though I like this girl a lot. It just felt like something that was happening. It wasn’t even awkward, and she seemed to really like it and said that she did. It felt like I should have liked it, and like it went how it should have, if that makes sense? Like from the outside I feel like it was like a movie scene but I just didn’t feel a deep connection I have always thought I would eventually feel when I kissed someone. I can’t really explain it. I feel much more connected to her when we cuddle than when we kiss.

I really like her and feel way more of an emotional connection with her than I did with my boyfriend, but have the same problem where I avoid situations where we may end up kissing. I love cuddling though and physical intimacy that doesn’t involve kissing or sexual stuff.

I do find her attractive though, and sometimes I think I feel sexual arousal, I think the main problem that mixes me up is that I have is anxiety. I am agoraphobic which for me involves fear of embarrassment, and this feels kinda similar to that. So idk if I’m actually asexual or if this is some kind of anxiety thing. Because anytime we are about to be intimate it is like I just shut off - even if I was maybe feeling some arousal it just goes away at the thought of actually doing stuff, and I cannot tell if it is cause of anxiety or because I just don’t want to do that stuff. But at the moment I feel disgusted by even just kissing.

I’ve never actually had sex though, the furthest I’ve been with a man is oral, and with my girlfriend just making out. So I think in the back of my mind, I think maybe somehow I magically will like doing all of these things once I actually have sex, and I just havnt tried it. And I want to have sex because I feel like I should. When I was single a year or 2 ago, I considered finding someone on a dating app who wanted to just hook up, just so I could do it and figure it out.

I don’t have any sexual trauma in my past, if that is relevant.

From what I know about asexuality it isn’t caused by anxiety, it’s just the way you are wired, right? That is what I am confused by. At most I think I’m pretty indifferent to sex. Sometimes I think something is hot… but I’ve never in my life fantasized about kissing or anything further than that.

I’m pretty frustrated tbh. Guess I just wanted to vent. If anyone is similar to me, how did you find some clarity?

The part that confuses me the most is this - whenever my then boyfriend or current girlfriend make any sexual comments, whether as a joke or genuine, or express sexual attraction towards me, I feel really irritated with them, or even kinda mad. What is that? Even if it turns out I am asexual, why do I feel that? Instead of feeling flattered or validated. Like when I can tell they are about to say something sexual I feel so frustrated.

I’m considering asking my girlfriend to go back to being friends because it feels unfair to date her if I feel this way. She knows I’m a bit uncomfy actually being physical and asked if I wanted to slow down earlier in our relationship to which I said yes. So now we cuddle and stuff but we don’t kiss or do anything else for the moment, and she is very chill about it. She knows that I have considered the potential that I am asexual but that I don’t think I am - at least that was the case when we last talked. Although now I’m doubting that. She has said she would be ok with that even. but I am having the same problem now that I have had in the past where anytime we hang out now I feel extreme guilt that I may not be giving her what she wants, even though she says she is totally fine with taking it slow. And I keep thinking as we date longer I will become ready to be intimate but I just don’t know if that is going to happen at this point, it’s been almost 6 months at this point.

So to sum it up, I guess my main issue is I can’t tell if I hate the idea of sex so much because of the anxiety that comes with it or if I just genuinely dislike it and will never like it. I have never until recently considered that a lifelong relationship could be without kissing or sex, and now that I have thought about it I realize that kinda sounds kinda nice. Since having these realizations lately I’ve been thinking about how scared I am to grow old and be all alone, cause I don’t know if I can be in a relationship where I have to be intimate. But the thought of someone I can connect to on a soul level and cuddle with but who doesn’t expect or want sex from me sounds pretty cool. It’s even had me reconsider me not liking men - cause the idea of cuddling with and being soulmates with a man doesn’t give me dread, and actually sounds quite nice.

Ok I am actually done now. I’m sorry to rant, I just haven’t talked about it this in detail with anyone and wanted to get it off my chest. I wish this wasn’t so complicated.

Hi! I’ve been identifying with asexuality since middle school but honestly have felt too ashamed to say it out loud. Yesterday I came out to my mom which was very emotional and nice and the first time I’ve ever said it out loud as an 18 year old. Today I came out to my therapist and she gave me homework to see out asexual representation to help with the shame and feelings of being sort of alien. Just to normalize that sort of thing until it doesn’t feel so much like being an alien.

Honestly it feels even weird to make this post but would love to have some show/movie/content creator recommendations 🙏🙏

Thank you!!

Im tired of being seen as a sexual and sexed being at all. I want people to just see me as myself, and I’m a sexless person, who does not have sex, nor does anything sexual

I’m tired of saying “I’m asexual and sex repulsed” and people still joking about me in uncomfortable ways and defending it with “aces can still have sex/be in sexual situations.” Yes, I know that. But not me…

When I saw a pic of someone I felt weirdly aroused yk but like the moment I tried to fantasize(just to check) I immediately got thrown off and disgusted. What is this and am I still ace?

So i've had a few aphobic questions & statements tossed my way ever since coming out, it doesn't get under my skin also i'm bored so i wanna start counting how many i get of the same ones, what's the most common aphobic questions/statements ya'll get?

i'm interested to know which ones i haven't gotten yet but should be expecting.

Honestly, I’m getting tired of it.

People ask me why I’m single, why I never date, or why I don’t just download a dating app. I tell them that I value my freedom a lot, but even when I explicitly say I’m not interested, they keep pushing.
And if I ever try to explain myself… well, you know how people respond by now. The aphobia, the “you just haven’t met the right person” comments, or worse. It gets genuinely exhausting having to deal with it.

Unfortunately, I’ve found myself dating people or enduring other stuff I did not want to simply because of the constant noise surrounding me, telling me that this is what I should be doing.

So, most of the time, I don’t even bother explaining. I mask. I pretend I’m straight. I tell people I’m not looking for anything right now because I’m busy, which is true, considering I’m working full-time while studying full-time.

But my gosh sometimes it feels so lonely. Not because I don’t have someone in my life, but because I constantly have to hide parts of myself just to avoid having to explain or defend them.
And I think that’s what hurts the most: it’s not necessarily the absence of a relationship, but the loneliness of having to mask who I am in a world that seems to assume everyone is the same and wants the same things...

hey everyone! I’m a woman in my 20’s just now realizing I’m ace and I feel like my life is going to be totally different now. I hear of couples where they’re both ace, how do I get an ace BF? 😅😅 seriously though, I want to be loved and I can’t help but mourn the life I thought I’d have. plz help!

Hi👋 I posted on Lesbian reddit asking I'd there are non ace Lesbians that do date ace women(kinda moping as well tbh) I would happily date a ace person, but the dating pool here is small so the odds of meeting one aren't in my favor.

The thing is many seem to assume that I don't like sex, which isn't true. For those who are sex repulsed I'll spare you the details(joke) but let's just say that if I don't talk about being ace no one would guess it. Although I would never knowingly keep that from someone since I hate lying and it's wrong.

I feel like there must be people who like sleeping with others, even though they know that the other person is ace. Idk. I hate having arguments on reddit but I also hate being misunderstood. Maybe I'm a horrible person... condemned to forever be seen as both a whore and a prude...

Also if you find something offensive in this post, please just keep scrolling. I'm tired

I am in my mid 30s and I am just now starting to question some things. I am married, have 3 kids. And am an avid Romance book reader (like all the smut, dark romance, you name it)

I recently had a long chat with my sister about... things (sex in books vs. Reality) also was reading a book where one of the characters was Demi-sexual ( i know i dont fit that but it got me thinking). While I have been "sexually active" since i was 16. I dont think I have ever actually felt sexual attraction. I had never considered asexuality before since I do experience sexual desire. But honestly kind of prefer to just handle things myself. Sex has always kind of felt like a chore. Like brushing your teeth, showering, eating a vegetable lol.

I dont hate it, I am not repulsed by it or anything its more of a I could take it or leave it. Kind of thing.

I enjoy sex with my husband....sometimes. and I never really did enjoy it with any other partner before.

I can get aroused by porn, or books, or even if my husband sends me a dirty text ( but not like a photo, but words).

But not by my husband or like literally any other actual person.

I am also realizing that some things that can easily turn sexual just make me really uncomfortable. Like a hand on my thigh, head on my chest. Sitting on my husbands lap. A kiss lasting longer than a quick peck. If I am in the right frame of mind (I am expecting it) then its fine and I enjoy it well all expect the head on my chest thing that one always just has be guard up and makes me super uncomfortable.

Like I dont like being touched sexually, or like sex in general. But I can and do enjoy it...sometimes. that is the part that confuses me. Because I also really enjoy making my husband feel good. And sometimes that alone can "get me going"

I feel broken honestly. Like an imposter in all aspects.

I’m currently a teen and I’m not rly sure what my sexuality is, I’ve never had a crush on someone and have never rly felt “love” for anyone. But I still get sexually aroused and kind of masterbate but the whole thing confuses me. I’m also not 100% clear on all the different types of asexuality as Ik some ppl don’t feel any attraction and some only sexual or only affectionate. Is there any way I can tell for sure?

(english is not my main language so sorry in advance if i write something that reads as insulting or discrediting in any way)

For those who experienced (sexual) trauma: How do you differentiate traumatic responses from sexual orientation?

Thank you in advance to everyone who is willing to open about this.

I would highly appreciate book recommendations as well.

I hate when my hormones spike, because what do you mean I'd be down for yk what but I actually just don't wanna do it with anyone? And I actually just hate it all together. What the fuck?

Like being sex-repulsed yet having a libido is like mental torture.

All the time, I'm like "Sex? Meh" and then one week out of 4 it changes to "Sex? Hmmmm? Maybe?" Literally, no. No you don't want it.

And if someone tells me I am not ace and should get my hormones checked... Pretty sure they're not the issue bro.

I'm a trans woman. I never considered myself asexual. I thought I knew what sexual attraction is and I thought I felt it. But then I had my first boyfriend. I flirted with him sexually. And then I actually had sex.

And after that I started questioning if something is wrong with me. I hated it, I had to get drunk to endure it, I started completely avoiding it. I stopped feeling any attraction or more precisely I started questioning if I even knew what it was and if I ever even really felt it. And it's all even more complicated for me because at the same time I almost completely lost my libido due to hrt. I'm also autistic and have a lot of sensory issues.

I think due to internet and media I basically talked myself into thinking I feel sexual attraction before. I like this person romantically, I have libido, therefore I obviously must be feeling sexually attracted to them. And then I acted like what I thought a normal person should do, not what I actually wanted. I had some really distorted view of sex that when confronted with reality completely disappeared. I can't imagine myself wanting to have it ever again. I only wanted it because I thought I'm losing out on something amazing as a virgin. And looking back on it now I think when I thought I wanted to have sex with someone, I was just attracted to this weird idea of sex in my head and simply felt like that's what I'm supposed to be feeling like since I'm already romantically attracted to that person. And when that idea disappeared I never again felt like that. And so at least I can be 100% certain that in the past months I did not feel anything even close to sexual attraction.

Basically at this point idk what I am. Am I asexual, am I just a sex-repressed allo. I don't really know and it's so difficult for me to think about it.

So i am new here and i am having difficulty finding an asexual partner.... people say that maybe i am.mot asexual or maybe i am just scared and i haven't tried so I don't know but the thing is even if it's trauma and fear i don't want to change myself and i don't wanna try to like sex because i want a love marriage and i don't feel sex is love for me i don't know how to describe but i don't want sex but people judge me and tell me maybe you are just scared and you will Change amd you will regret this time but how do i tell them that it's not like that...

But the thing is i am having trouble finding asexual life partner and i wonder will i never find my partner of life if I don't try to change myself??? I am a lover girl amd i do want love...