I entered my first abusive relationship just six months after the troubled teen industry. I was 17 when he hit me. I’m 36 now, and I’ve been in so many abusive relationships. I almost died as a result of DV right before I turned 30.
So, I wanted to take the time and platform I have as a mod now to talk about it because I have a feeling I’m not the only survivor here.
People have said things to me like: “you’ve been in so many abusive relationships, have you considered you’re the common denominator?”
Of course I have. In the TTI we’re brainwashed into this false sort of introspection that really means everything is always our fault.
But after decades of processing it all, I finally realized that people ask the wrong questions.
Instead, they should ask:
“Who taught you that it is a sign of love for someone to hurt you, to force you, to control you?”
“Where did you learn to normalize these behaviors and accept abuse as love?”
I think for many of us the answer is obvious.
It started for me with my mother. The programs she sent me to reinforced the way she raised me. I had encopresis before the TTI. My parents used to hold me down to force enemas in me “for my own good.”
I can see the logic there, a kid who hasn’t shit for weeks is damaging their body. But there had to be a better way. I remember one psychiatrist told them to give me Pepsi and bran muffins instead 😂
Going to the TTI, those restraints were better in comparison because at least there wasn’t an enema involved and I was fully clothed.
I went through a positive peer culture program first, where literally everything is framed as “care and concern.” Your friends rat you out because they care. The staff restrains you because they care. They deny you food because you’re getting fat and they care about your health.
I was still calling back into the Ranch when I was in my first abusive relationship at 16/17. I still thought they cared. I thought they’d be concerned. Within a year most of the staff who knew me had left.
There was a staff who I loved dearly and stayed in touch with when she left. In 2014, she lost her life to domestic violence and I swore I’d be more discerning but only six years later I almost died at my partner’s hands too.
These are just parts of my story, some of the parts I keep out of the bigger story because of the shame they evoke.
But this month, I want my fellow survivors to know it isn’t your fault. I went through so much therapy before and after the TTI and still ended up in abusive relationships. I kept wondering what was so broken about me that made me a magnet for this.
And then, I found this community. After nearly two decades I had just buried the trauma basically. At 18 I had tried to find a therapist to help me move past the TTI and there were none accessible who understood it. They told me to focus on boundaries. I got better, but still ended up in such horrible relationships… but finding this community woke me up.
I first became active here in 2024. I was engaged and we had just moved to a new city. I remember on moving day some DV shit happened and for once I actually fought back, something that goes against my programming for the past two decades. In less than a year, I was finally free.
I think the thing that finally set me free was understanding that I was brainwashed to accept abuse and violence, that I deserved abuse as much as I deserved love, as part of love in the TTI. Realizing that isn’t something that I really believe about myself freed me, in combination with making close connections with other survivors here who have had similar experiences.
I know this is long so if you read it all, thank you. If it resonates with you, feel feee to share your story if you’d like.
As always, I’m glad you’re still here.