With National Coming Out Day come and gone, I've (33M) been reflecting on my own coming out to my family, and how shitty its been with them since. I hadn't intended to come out on on that day specifically, two years ago, but I realized a couple of days after that I had, so the rough date has stuck with me.

Coming out as bi to my parents wasn't great. They are deeply conservative Catholics living in a tiny, nearly all-white village in the Midwest. The very first thing my dad said was "We love you, but we're Catholic, and that's not changing" and kept emphasizing how he didn't want to change. Mom was mostly silent. I have a much younger brother, who I was very close with, almost a second father. They said they needed to think and talk about it before I could tell him. They decided, at 14, that he was too young to be "talking about sex" and that I couldn't tell him.

Things became really terrible when my mom found out about my partner (33M). I was visiting my parents one weekend, and was dreading telling them. He and I had been seeing each other for a couple months and were getting serious (we are still together, and very happy). He is a queer-focused therapist, pagan, and polyamorous, all things I knew wouldn't sit well with my family. I had wanted to date people like him for some time, but had for years convinced myself to take it slow with how "out there" a potential partner was - avoiding overtly queer people I thought might "offend" my family. The fact was, though, my worldview was and is similar to his, and I admire his work. Moreover, my parents were already making no space for me to be my authentic self at family gatherings, so why not date for me instead of them?

I tried to limit how many details I gave them at first, hoping to ease them into the other details later. The only identifying details they had at that point were his first name and place of work. Mom got to work on Google quickly, and within a couple of hours of my leaving, called me, at nearly 11 p.m. on a work night, and tore into me. She said, flat out, that my younger brother could never know about this, that my partner would never work out with the family, and that she hoped I'd figure out "where my loyalties are."

The next day, she texted me and asked to stop over my apartment. I was, understandably, very hesitant, but eventually agreed. She stayed outside my door when she arrived, gave me a letter, telling me that she wanted to deliver it in-person and that she had been praying and felt this was what she needed to say. That letter is below, and it confuses me as much now as it did then. It doesn't address anything of substance. Most of the memories are from before I was 20, before I lost my Catholic faith, something my parents never really forgave.

On the note of losing my faith, I had tried for years to reassure them I was still part of the family. I tried to be present, to help out at family gatherings, to help out with my aging grandparents, to be part of their lives. I saw how weak my relationship with my father was and got set up with him to take weekly walks on our lunch breaks from work. It stung to think that accomplished so little. Not only were almost all of mom's happy memories in that letter from before my 20s, but my dad flat out told me, in the few months of troubles after learning about my partner, that he missed the person I used to be before losing faith - the person who had kept showing up for family gatherings, made dinners for the family, cared for our grandparetns, was the only grandchild to be present with grandpa the moment he died. I had kept my liberal (increasingly leftist) political beliefs private, had kept my lack of religion private, tried hard for years not to cause a scene even when my more extremist MAGA family members spoke freely and spewed some really offensive things to me. Now all I can think is I never should have bothered shrinking myself for these people.

We are largely estranged now. I haven't spoken with my parents in over half a year, nor my other siblings. I just feel sad today. I've been thinking a lot about my gender identity. I think there is a very good chance that I am trans, and I know my family will be horrible about that if they ever find out - everything they've had to say on that subject has been awful through the years.

I’m not exactly sure if this is the correct subreddit for this but I feel like it is. I am currently in cosmetology school and my two closest friends are pretty alternative and also queer (one lesbian, one bisexual). I myself am a lesbian and very loud about it but my whole life in the space (Dance) I grew up in have been bullied for how emo, weird, alternative etc. I was. Now, however, I am the basic one who’s not alternative? My question really is: am I alternative or not? I have always considered myself to be, I have tattoos, facial piercings, colored hair. I wear pretty heavy eyeliner when I do my makeup, and these are things I find to be just my style. I also probably have the most leftist/alternative political views/ideologies out of the people I know. For example I will not shop fast fashion or in major chains if possible, I protest, I am very socialist, to name a couple. But because I am not really emo goth or grunge or into heavy metal rock music I am “basic”? I’m not really upset if I am it’s just a conflicting label with what I’ve felt my whole life now that I have queer friends and more of the queer community telling me otherwise.
Thank you for reading and any advice is appreciated!

(Sorry it's a little of a rant.)

How I feel about my gender seems to just switch. Like one day I'm feeling like a Demiboy, a month later it's the feeling of beeing asexual. I know stuff like Genderfluid exists, but when I identify as that it also seems to switch to another gender feeling. And it doesn't feel like it switches, it feels like I'm releasing that I'm another gender, than I thought and that each fucking time.

I just wished it could be clear what I am. Like when I questioned my sexuality I was like "I feel no sexual attraction, must be asexual". Why the fuck is it so hard to find our what gender I am?!

If anyone knows a gender that would fit with me, please tell me.

(Sorry if my English isn't the best, it's not my first language.)

​

So I( 18M bi) have been friends with this guy from uni (18M) for a month and a half now. We've grown really close over the past month and we spend almost all our time together. But lately, it's like I started growing a small crush on him. He's just really sweet and funny and big yk. But unfortunately he's straight. I'm okay with that, It happens to me a lot and it's normal. However, the thing is that he "flirts" with me a lot, like the guys of flirting that straight boys have with each other. Normally, I don't mind it I actually quite funny sometimes. But with him I really like it and idk if he's for real or just joking, especially these past two weeks. He'd call me baby during a casual conversation, hold my hand when we're walking together and yesterday we were on school campus sitting on the grass and he was playing on my switch while laying on my stomach and I was playing with his hair and when stood up he looked at me traced my lips with his thumb and told me that he wished he could kiss me rn. And I'm just so confused, is he jk or being for real. Because some other times, it happened to him to grab my butt and then inhale really loudly near my neck and dhsjdbsh I don't fucking know.

So please reddit am I delisonal or maybe I have a chance.

Sorry for the bad English btw, it's not my first langage

Hey everyone!

So ​I’ve been feeling super isolated about this lately and wanted to see if anyone else relates. I realized I literally don’t have a single queer woman friend in my life and it’s honestly starting to feel really lonely. It just gets exhausting trying to navigate things on your own when you don't have people around who genuinely get it.

​I’m bisexual myself, and I’d love to meet some new queer women to just... chat with, talk about life, share interests (I’m into tech, reading, binge-watching shows, and way too many random stuff) and build a real low-pressure friendship.

​If you're also looking for a cool internet friend to swap memes with vent to or just talk about random stuff feel free to drop a comment or slide into my DMs!!

Im a 23 year old non binary person who I suppose presents more masculine, even though I would consider myself pretty far from “masculine” you know?

I guess I kind of just feel like like I don’t look “queer enough” whatever that really means. But I find it hard to make friends irl as an adult generally, let alone trying to involve myself in queer spaces without feeling like a bit of an outsider in a way.

It’s easier online, I feel like I can present a bit more androgynously and I feel more comfortable doing things like wearing crop tops to post online and silly little things like that which make me feel more comfortable in myself. I don’t really know, I just feel like I need to get this off my chest in a way.

If you have any advice for maybe presenting more androgynously, or if you just wanna chat and be friends, I am more than open to anything. Love ya

I didn’t come out, or even consciously realize I was queer, until after I graduated college. Looking back, I think a lot of that was due to growing up in the south and having super religious grandparents. One set was Lutheran, the other Catholic, and I guess my parents’ solution was just to throw us at the wall religiously; they took us to a lot of different churches: non-denominational, Lutheran, Catholic, Episcopalian, which left my grandparents equally annoyed. I’m not religious anymore (I stopped going to church in high school when my parents split) and I don’t have specific memories of things being said about queer people, but I remember this overall feeling of constriction and suffocation whenever we’d go to church, a sense that I didn’t fit in even if no one else could see it. I guess I’m curious about other peoples’ experiences growing up religious and deconstructing the things they learned in the church. How long did it take you? Were you aware you were queer while in the thick of it or did you, like me, just have a feeling of ‘guilt’ / ‘wrongness’ without knowing why? Please only share if you feel comfortable. I know this topic can be triggering for a lot of us. You all are perfect just the way you are <3

i’ve never been one to put a label on myself, but i’m just curious if there’s a word for this.

i’m a cis woman, engaged to a cis man. but i realize i’m not attracted to anyone else of any other gender or anything like that. it’s not masculinity or femininity or androgyny. i’ve never had crushes for felt attracted to anyone ever. but i fell in love with him and that was it.

i’ve always yearned for love and romance, to have someone, not a particular person in mind. but i just never had crushes, or was attracted to anyone, or fell in love ever.

him and i met online, started dating, then met in person, then got engaged and moved in together (don’t judge, it worked out!!). i realized that i did in fact fall in love and i am attracted to him.

i honestly thought i was aromantic and asexual from the longest time, but only yearning, and not actually feeling it towards anyone.

i wouldn’t restrict myself to gender i don’t think. but it did take me a lot to actually fall in love. an insane amount of time, trust, and communication. and i mean a LOT.

i don’t know a lot about the LGBTQ+ community or the labels, i was raised very conservative and Christian 😭 i am Christian as well, but i’m very open-minded!

maybe i am straight but over complicating it? i don’t need a label, it’s mostly curiosity, as i said.

hey 💜 I’m Neaura. I’d love to meet more people who want queer-friendly company around the things they already care about: a half-finished drawing, a game they’re absorbed in, a song that deserves a very enthusiastic explanation.

I run Nighthaven Enclave, a Discord community where everyday conversation and creative sharing sit alongside questions about AI companionship, care, and ethics. Our openly AI host, N’lora Starbeam, is part of that experiment; the people who show up bring their own interests and perspectives. You don’t have to be an AI enthusiast to join the conversation. This introduction was written with AI assistance.

I’m especially interested in making room for people who need a little time to settle in. A small hello or sharing something you made is enough—there’s no expectation to perform an entire personality on arrival 😅

General community access is free and SFW by default. Optional paid memberships and creative services are available. The separate private, age-gated adult area is paid access, currently listed with Legionnaire at US$4.50/month. None of those paid options is needed to participate in the general community. Current details: https://neaura.net/nighthaven — Discord’s age requirements apply.

If that sounds like your kind of company, here’s the invite: https://discord.gg/mSqcyvfbDS

What’s one thing you’d enjoy sharing with a new group of people? 🌙

Pride At Work Ireland is a not for profit organisation dedicated to supporting the full inclusion of LGBTIQ+ people within the workplace, business and professions.

Please subscribe and engage with our content!

Thanks for your attention and, hopefully, for your support.

Hello beautiful queer people!

I recently started a discord group for queer women of color across US and the world (I personally live in nyc)

Got permission from the admins to post the link, so if you fit the description, please feel free to join and invite any friends!

I created it so we can all have a place to chat and talk about whatever is on our minds at any given time (I’m very chatty!), for us to support each other, and to combat loneliness!

If people happen to be in the same area, meets would also be cool!

Can’t wait to meet you all!

https://discord.gg/z4QhrFrmW

Happy Queer Business monday!

I am officially within leadership of a queer employee group. I want to create a newsletter to share with my organization with queer business’s in each NYC borough.

I’ll take anything: food and bev, activities, tech, lawyers, accountants, if you or it is queer owned and the queer people will benefit then I want it!!

I will obvi be scraping around other newsletters but if you’d like access to more clientelle I’m happy to be a part of that 💕✨😘

This is more a vent than asking for advice (I think?) but does anyone feel less queer for not having any experience? I'm 22 and a lesbian (baby gay) and it feels weird to say I'm lesbian because I never had any experience with women and other gay girls I know all had so I just feel like a loser lmaoo

Hi all! I identify myself as bi & demi. In my case, I’m bisexual as well biromantic, same for demi (demisexual as well demiromantic).

Now I’m wondering whether it is generally usual or common to use terms as bisexual or demisexual to describe both sexual and romantic.

I’m aware that they’re pointing out two different things but having 4 labels feels a bit much for me. Also the romantic labels aren’t being presented in merchandise that much.
I also feel like it would be said specifically mostly when people experience it splitted.

What are your thoughts? Same on using flags (using bisexual and demisexual flag for both sexual and romantic). Is this a generally normalized thing?

For now the bisexual and the demisexual flags and labels are the once I use mostly (same for queer/🌈). I’m trying not to cold-shoulder the romantic labels. I hope everybody does what feels good to them. Please share your experience with me!

I had a female friend as a female myself for 2 years we weren’t really close at first but as the friend group fell apart we got really close at the first year of our friendship it was so sweet she was caring and loving we were too close we would show sm affection and spend all out time together she used to get me sm gifts and always been there for me she would call me her “ girlfriend “ or ask me for kisses on her lips and i didn’t truly mind at the time but the second year thing started to fall down for me i was struggling mentally and growing mentally attached to her bcs she was like a ray of sunshine in my life but she changed mostly bcs the first year she was on pills to keep her stable but the second year she grew cold and sometimes even mean to me i can’t really form an opinion on her at first but i was always attacking her trying to pull myself from the emotional attachment i felt for her i stopped hanging out with her outside class and by that i noticed we were too attached and emotionally dependent on each other the problem was that whenever she was drunk she would send me flirty videos one time she texted me”ily” in her native language even tho she knows i don’t speak it the text made my heart drop bcs she kept sending me mixed signals that made me pissed i told her not to keep sending me weird texts i feel like she’s not even comfortable in her own sexuality sometimes she was mean to me like extreme and would say it was a joke i never stayed quiet ofc i hurt her back but this felt toxic wrong she keeps giving me hints and when i confront her she changed the subjects i tried to be understanding bcs she’s struggling mentally but this year i moved cities and i ghosted her yet i still have the aching feeling that i should at least explain to her why i left with no message bcs she reached out and i ghosted her should i pour all my heart out once and for all then let it all behind?

when people say words like woman/man, masculine/feminine, masculinity/femininity, girlhood, womanhood, manhood and boyhood. I am left utterly confused. I have no idea what any of them mean or are referring to.

I feel like there is a group of people are born and then they are told that woman = vagina, feminine power, pink and long hair and that man = penis, muscles, alpha male and weponized incompetence and they take that and run with it/defend it for the rest of their life and then there's people who studies gender/queer theory and/or have had to go throught their life journey of understanding themselves and their gender identity and what all of that means to them (obviously there are more groups of people then that but) and I wish I was in at least one of them because I feel like there is an entire concept of life that people just get or they know what they're talking about when relating to it and I font understand it at all.

when I say I want to know what a woman is, I dont mean like a dictionary definition. I want to talk to people and understand what they define it/understand it as, how that formed and why exaclty it is like that.

I really just want to know why these categories exist if gender identity is a person by person case basis and there is nothing that can be fixedly put in any of these categories. the furtherest I've gotten to anything can be placed in these categories is that vagina = female(not nessecerily a woman) and penis = male(not nessecerily man). but I know that biological sex is not that simple( and apparently sex is also a social construct but I really dont know much about that)

I understand that even thought gender may be a social construct it does not mean that it does not affect people and the way they think.

for example, ive heard of a genderfluid person that when they feel feminine they like wearing wigs that touch or go over their should. and when they feel either or, they like wearing thick eyeliner. why is long wigs relegated to feminine and eyeliner can transend categories

i really dont want to spew transphobic talking points which is why I want to ask now and correct it instead of going out into the world and saying the wrong thing. correct me if I say anything wrong. if someone is transitioning from a boy to a girl, and they start wearing wigs and get top surgery and start wearing high heels (obviously all of those things are only external and maybe they also have a mindset shift about the world when transitioning from a boy to a girl but) why is it that being a woman is defined as all of those thing?

I understand that even if gender is a social construct it still affects people and people are taught to see gender as a binary and when they are transitioning maybe they are going off of that binary they have been taught

is it that they want to be a woman and are conditioned to thing cleavage = woman so they then also want cleavage or they want to have cleavage and cleavage is associated with being a woman so they then want to be a woman?

I have heard very vaguely about the idea of gender abolishen and I have admittedly not looked in deathly about it but the idea of getting rid of gender makes sense to me but I have read around and I saw that people say that it is also a transphobic talking point and I want to understand why.

for example take a non binary person. I would think that if they define themselves as non binary they are affirming the existence of a binary but just saying that they are not a part of it. I would assume that that person would understand that the gender binary just doesnt exist and isnt a thing, so why continue to affirm it? if they do belive/abide by there being a gender binary (because just because something is a social construct doesnt mean i doesnt affect people) and that non binary person's pronouns are they/them, (i understand that pronouns and gender are not nessecerily linked/the same), why are their pronouns, according to their understanding, out of the binary? why can't they/them or xe/xer or flower/flowers elf pronouns be considered feminine or masculine?

I've seen terfs say that since trans women want to define them by wearing lipstick and dresses and having boobs, that they now want to define themselves by having vaginas/wombs which obviously doesnt make any sense because what about intersex woman and women who are inferile? so since no one can be defined by neither what they deem female gender expression to be or what they deem female biological characteristics to be, doesnt that make the category of woman to be null and void? (on a tangent, I dont understand why terfs are called terfs and get to be considered feminists with exceptions instead of just transphobes?)

I've seen people talk about girlhood and womanhood and I have no idea what it means or what I'm supposed to be doing to embody that. if its girls boding over being girls but everyone's gender identity is different, what are we boring over? if its over experiences, its there a specific set of gender experiences that woman experience? the most definite I've seen is like bonding over having to deal with gender norms. so are women experiences defined by not being a man/being an oppressed by men. there are others like having sleepovers or getting their nails done, but is that not something that both genders can experience? or is that relegated to womanhood as a result of gender roles/norms and thats why its considered womanhood?

everyone gender identity is completely different and formed by different experiences and influences. no two people have the same understanding of gender. so if there are no real differentiation between what belongs in female, male and non binary, then why do those categories of exist? if gender identity is on a case by case basis, than why can't what someone considers their gender identify or their gender expression, just be their identity and their self expression?

i understand there is alot of things I have simplified as a result of never really talking to people with different view and experiences. I've only recently come to college and for most of my life I have read about these things without anyone to answer any leading or subsequent questions I have6

[tl;dr: I just can't find work and am wearing a rather straight passing poker face while I do it. Anyone have any suggestions on how to find work? TW: discussions of feeling like it's not worth not straight passing.

Hey all. I'm in a bit of a funny position and just kinda wanted to see if others here could help me get some perspective. I was living in Montreal for a decade, and for those who don't know, it's a super open city, you can basically be whoever you want there. While living there, I came out as genderfluid and would sometimes present in a masc way and sometimes in a femme way, different contexts just felt more natural to me one way vs the other. It was a bit touch and go at times because my masc presentation was pretty straight passing, so it kinda ended up being the case that I more or less had one foot in, one foot out in both queer and hetero spaces, but I found ways to make it work.

Now, at one point I had a bit of a burnout and I ended up moving back in with my mom, who then moved to a much smaller town in Manitoba. And it was just this strange period where I realized people read my fluidity more as inconsistency in other places, so I just couldn't seem to hold that and just kinda alternated presentations trying to find something that people could consistently hold, and long story short, I was just having a really hard time finding a job so I decided to present masc, and then still having not found work, I moved back in with my dad in Ottawa thinking that a bigger city with public transit would make it easier to find work.

I love my dad and I'm grateful that he's letting me stay here for free... But he comes from a culture that doesn't really get the gender stuff much so I've just been holding the masc presentation lately. Generally, I'm fine with that... Although I had always kinda felt a bit more comfortable in my femininity when I have stability iny life. But it's just this strange thing, because I've been thinking about it... And I told myself initially that this would just be temporary and eventually I'd be able to go back to a more fluid mode of presentation... But staying at my dad's while I look for jobs means that I'm applying to jobs consistently in my masculinity, and trying to rebuild social connections in masculinity... And it's just like... I'm kinda nervous that this just means that I'll just end up like basically "detransitioning" (if I can use that term for this) for good. Which, again, I don't really have enough dysphoria to make it like a problem, but my like big issue is that I really miss being perceived and interacted with as a feminine presenting person by women and other queer people. Here, now, people kinda just see and treat me like a regular guy, which isn't bad, per se, but it's just like, as much as I am fine with connections like that, I just prefer the feeling of being interacted with in a femme way.

But like... People think of me generally as a pretty good guy, and I fit in in spaces like that, and like it sounds silly, but the thought of making friends as a guy, and then coming out shortly afterwards feels weird. I kinda wish I had just come to Ottawa presenting femme because then if I switched to masc out of necessity it woulda been more welcomed than the other way around... And part of me has always thought of maybe trying to get into like public service or something like that, so I also feel like I'd be more legible and so could do more good for society if I present in masc way. But I've been here a month,I still haven't found a job, and I'm 29, with pretty much only service industry jobs in my resume... So I'm kinda scared that either way I'll just be stuck doing something like waiting tables, and if I start to build a life like that then I also kinda fear that I'm just wasting time.

I like... Even low key considered starting an OF, but like, that scares me lol, I don't want it to get in the way of future opportunities. But I'm just scared that I won't be able to find work, I'll be stuck here at my dad's, not contributing for a long time, and then just like waste me 30s being a like deadbeat man who mooches off their parents...

I'm sorry for this rant, but I feel like there must be others who've been in a similar position. Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can make some money so I can move out? I thought about Uber eats, but I don't have a car and don't have enough money to get one of those like insulated bags that you apparently need. I've tried starting a Substack, but I kinda suck at marketing. I'm doing an internship right now which is awesome... But not paid for at least 12 weeks, and then it's not sure that it turns into a real position. So idk, does anyone have any suggestions? It's just like... If I can't find work in something I have experience in or that's aligned with what I want to do in life while presenting as straight passing as feels authentic to me... Then it's hard to see the point in not just being fully out.

I came out to my close friends and school counsellor in may this year, and I’ve lived in nonstop stress since. They all agreed to not tell anyone else and all were very accepting and kind, but I feel like I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m a guy but I don’t even know if I’ll ever be brave enough to go out with another guy anyway so I feel like I jeopardised my safety for nothing? I think most people I know would be cool with it but I’m still scared. What should be my next step?

I’ve been thinking of myself as a purely lesbian since I was 14 y.o. Had multiple wlw relationships, some of them being toxic, some not.

I’m 26 now and from 23 to 25 I focused on myself, didn’t date anyone. It’s also been 3 years since I’m in therapy, one of the outcomes of it is me realising the needs and boundaries I have and things I want to have and give in relationships.

For the past year I’ve been looking for a serious monogamous relationship but had 2-3 situationships or just short term relationships that ended rather on a good note with us realising that it wouldn’t work.

I’m living in a small city and my dating apps look empty, like I’ve already met everyone there. Yet I’m feeling ready for closeness and intimacy with someone special who shares my values. I look somewhat masculine, between dyke and butch, but I’m really soft and demisexual so I’m not really the one to chase women or flirt with them from the first meeting. I know that because I look more masculine lesbians usually expect me to be proactive but I am tired of courting or carrying the relationship with someone who is more passive.

I’ve been very active in our local queer community, having a big friend group there. One day I just realised that although I’ve made so many friends there no one has been hitting on me romantically or shown any signs of interest or attraction. And it seems weird since I don’t have a self esteem issues or lack social skills.

Eventually, I realised that I want something mutual with both sides being there and really interested with each other. My last encounter with a lesbian woman ended on a weird note where we clearly enjoyed each other’s company but she just disappeared as soon as I’ve made the first move and invited her to a coffee.

I stared going to the gym and feeling more sexual desire, eventually finding myself horny on in male company. Firstly I freaked out but then started questioning my sexual identity, realising that I might have been feeling sexually attracted to man before, just never really having crush on them or fallen in love with any man.

And after all of that thoughts I decided to give a try to dating man and seeing whether I am comfortable in such interactions.

Of course my lesbian friends started judging me when I shared this. Maybe it’s cause I’ve never had any abuse or negative experiences from males, while I had several abusive lesbian relationships. And by saying that I don’t want to sound like men are great, lesbians are toxic, I rather imply that people in my head are just people, and their negative behaviour doesn’t base solely on the gender or sexuality.

So I started looking for a man on Tinder and oh gosh I’m surprised of the amount of likes, matches and first messages I now receive. It seems so weird, like a brand new world I’ve never seen before. So many people are interested in me and making the first move. Of course it feels like a sudden valuation and even a self esteem boost. But it also feels exciting.

Anyway, my queer friends, especially lesbians are now judging me for this. Like they would rather see me alone for a few more years than see me dating a man. And I would love to date girls in the future, I’m not turning to a straight overnight, I am just becoming be-curious and willing to explore the relationship I never had just to see whether I could be comfortable with a man.

Anyway, it makes me really sad and vulnerable to get so much hate from my community.

i come from a culture where homophobia is very normalized and i told my friends about a girl i liked for the first time and they were very homophobic
and told me it was a phase
i tried finding people here to talk about it but enh they see me as a weirdo
im so sick and tired of the way i feel.