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I keep seeing posts on here from people saying "Day 8 of no contact" or "6 weeks no contact, still waiting" or "3 months, do you think they'll reach out?"

Jesus Christ, guys. STOP COUNTING. 😂

Seriously, is this how you want to live? Do you really want to spend the next six months of your life counting the days since somebody decided they didn't want to be with you anymore?

I went through a breakup about a month ago. Couldn't even tell you the exact date at this point. Not because it didn't hurt, trust me it fucking did. But because I made a conscious decision to move forward instead of sitting around keeping score.

Here's something a lot of you probably don't want to hear.

They made a decision. A DECISION.

People don't just wake up one morning and accidentally break up with somebody. In most cases they've been thinking about it, weighing their options, processing their emotions long before you even knew there was a problem.

By the time they walked away, they were already several steps ahead of you emotionally.

And now you're sitting there googling "Does no contact make your ex miss you?" or "How long before a dumper regrets their decision?"

Dude. What the fuck are we doing here? 😂

Now, do you want some consolation? Here's something that might make you feel a little better.

There's a pretty damn good chance they miss you too.

Maybe not right away. In fact, initially they might feel hella relieved. Like a giant weight has been lifted off their shoulders. Remember, they've probably been wrestling with this decision for a while.

But eventually the dust settles. The relief wears off, life gets quiet, and memories start creeping back in. And believe me, they're not necessarily going to remember only the bad shit. They'll remember the laughs, the inside jokes, the good times, the little things they loved about you.

You don't just erase somebody you shared a meaningful part of your life with.

But here's the part you need to understand.

Missing somebody doesn't mean you want them back.

And every time you break this precious "no contact" streak to check in, tell them you miss them, or see how they're doing, you're not resetting some magical timer.

You're potentially pushing them even further away.

They made a decision to distance themselves from you. You desperately trying to pull them back in isn't going to make them suddenly reconsider. You're just reminding them why they wanted distance in the first place.

And if THEY reach out? You don't have to jump at the opportunity like you've been waiting by the phone for three months.

You can ignore that message until you're emotionally ready to handle whatever conversation might follow. You don't owe anybody immediate access to you.

I absolutely hate the term "no contact" because so many people treat it like some kind of strategy to get their ex back. Like if you can just survive another 30 days without texting them, suddenly they'll have some magical revelation and come running back.

Stop calling it no contact. Start calling it MOVING ON.

Because that's what you should actually be doing.

And listen, I'm not saying you shouldn't hurt. Breakups fucking suck. You're going to miss them. You're going to have moments where a song comes on or you drive past somewhere you used to go together and suddenly your stomach drops.

That's normal. Process that shit. Cry if you need to. Be angry. Be sad. Whatever. To be honest you should probably block them or remove them from your socials if you haven't done so already, trust me you'll just be sitting around waiting for them to post something getting upset when you see them with somebody else, having fun without you, or seeming like they're just fine after the breakup. people handled breakups very differently for me it's best to just not see it at all for my own mental health.

But don't build a fucking shrine to your misery and start marking days off on a calendar.

You know what actually helps?

GO OUTSIDE.

Seriously. Go for a walk. Get some fresh air. Put on some music. Call a friend. Reach out to somebody you haven't talked to in a while.

One thing I've noticed is how many people unintentionally neglect friendships when they get into relationships. Then when the relationship ends, they feel like they've lost their entire world.

Rebuild that world.

And speaking from personal experience, after my most recent breakup I started going out with friends again, socializing more, just genuinely enjoying myself. And guess what? I started getting some female attention! 😂

I've even been talking to a woman who I honestly think might be more compatible with me than my ex. Am I ready to jump headfirst into another relationship? Not necessarily. But holy shit, it's nice to be reminded that I'm not some fundamentally flawed person, that my ex wasn't the only woman who could ever love me, make me laugh, or share inside jokes with me.

There's a whole fucking world out there, guys. And you're missing it because you're staring at a closed door.

Find hobbies. Try something you've always wanted to do. Reconnect with people. Make new friends. Do things that make you feel like an actual human being again instead of somebody's abandoned boyfriend or girlfriend.

Your friendships, your hobbies, your experiences, your own identity. THAT is the bedrock of healing.

But there's another thing I keep seeing that I think some of you have completely backwards.

All this advice about going to the gym, improving yourself, getting your money right, becoming a better person. That's fantastic! Seriously, do all of that.

But WHO are you doing it for?

Because some of you are out here imagining this whole movie scene where six months from now you bump into your ex and they're standing there thinking "Oh my God, look how much he's changed! He's doing so well! I made the biggest mistake of my life!"

That's a fantasy you're making up in your head, big dog. 😂

Stop writing fucking fanfiction about your ex's future reactions to your personal growth.

Your emotions don't dictate somebody else's. Just because YOU think you've become the perfect partner doesn't mean they're suddenly going to want you again.

And if the entire motivation behind your self-improvement is getting somebody else's attention, you're still letting that person control your life. You're just doing it with better abs and a new haircut.

Improve yourself because YOU deserve a better life. Not because you're hoping somebody who walked away will eventually notice.

Every time your ex pops into your head and you start wondering what they're doing, whether they're thinking about you, whether they're going to come back...

Tell yourself "fuck that" and keep marching forward.

I'm not saying you can magically turn your feelings off. You can't. But you absolutely can decide what you're going to do with those feelings.

And here's the other thing. Even if your ex DOES eventually come back, what good is it if you've spent the entire time sitting around waiting?

If there's ever going to be a healthy reconciliation, both people need time to grow, change and actually address whatever caused the relationship to fall apart in the first place. Thirty days of strategically ignoring each other doesn't magically fix shit.

And sometimes they're simply not coming back. That's a possibility you need to make peace with.

So stop asking how to improve your chances of getting them back.

Start asking how to improve your life without them.

Because six months from now you can either be the person posting "Day 180 of no contact and I still think about them constantly" or you can be somebody who spent those six months actually living.

And maybe part of the reason you're STILL thinking about them constantly is because you've created this imaginary timer in your head. Every single day you're reminding yourself how long it's been since they left. You're literally keeping your breakup alive by counting how long it's been dead.

That timer doesn't exist. There's no prize at the end of it. No magical day when they come running back.

The breakup already happened. Don't spend the next year breaking your own heart over and over again.

Stop counting the days.

Make the fucking days count.

Sorry I know this is a long post and definitely a bit of tough love but I love reading all your guys's stories and I genuinely feel for you guys but some of you need to hear this.

i am a big believer that i won’t feel better until i have nothing to hold on to so i had stuff i needed to say things i wish i said during the breakup i texted him asking him to meet he said we could text instead i sent the huge emotional paragraph and well all he said was he was glad im in a better place but its better we don’t meet and he has nothing else to say

i cant lie it did sting but it did kill any what ifs i feel like i can finally close the chapter and move on

so i guess if you just want to send it send it just know it’s probably not gonna be the reunion u dreamed for

It’s been two months since we broke up, and I’m slowly starting to accept that he might never come back.
We were together for six years. I’m 30, he’s 33. He told me he still loved me when we broke up, but he was exhausted by our relationship and had made up his mind.
Since then, he’s occasionally liked some of my Instagram posts. I’ve reached out a few times to ask how he’s doing, but our conversations have never really gone anywhere. He doesn’t seem particularly interested in talking to me, and I’ve noticed him following lots of new people on Instagram.
I’m starting to feel like I’ve lost him for good, despite everything we shared and the fact that he told me he loved me. It hurts so much to think that, no matter what I say or do, I can’t change the way he sees me anymore. He’s made his decision, and I have no control over it.
I cry because I miss him, but also because I’m beginning to believe that he’ll never come back and I’ve lost him as a person. I’m also sad because i feel like he doesn’t care anymore about me. I feel forgettable after all the love i gave to him.
A part of me keeps hoping he’ll change his mind, but he has a lot of positive qualities and will definitely be able to move on faster, never questioning his decision.
I’m trying to accept that it’s over, but I honestly don’t know how to navigate this grief. Some days, the thought of never seeing him again feels unbearable. Other days, I tell myself that eventually, this will pass even if this means being alone
I guess I’m writing this because I need to hear from people who have been through something similar. Have you ever had to accept that someone you thought you’d spend your life with was never coming back? How did you get through it? Did things ever get better, even when you couldn’t imagine them getting better at the time?
How are you all doing? Please share your stories with me. I could really use some perspective and a little hope that, eventually, this pain will become easier to carry.

I want to share my experience in the hope that it might help someone going through something similar.
I was with a girl for four years. I genuinely loved her, and for a long time, we were practically inseparable. Eventually, though, we fell into a routine. We spent almost all our time together, but we stopped going out, trying new things, and creating new memories. In July, she told me something wasn’t right anymore and that she wasn’t as happy in the relationship. I told her I would work on changing some of my habits, for myself as well, and I believed we could get through that difficult period.
Shortly before I left for a short vacation with my family, we spent one last night together. The next morning, she kissed me and said, “Come back soon, because I already miss you.” The day after I left, however, she sent me a long message saying she didn’t want to continue our relationship anymore.
I completely fell apart. During that vacation, I cried every morning and every night, trying to understand how someone could go from saying those words to ending a four-year relationship within a matter of hours.
When I came back, we met. We cried, hugged, and she told me she would always have a lot of love for me. I suggested taking a break, respecting each other and not seeing other people while we figured things out. She agreed, but just two days later, she told me that, as far as she was concerned, the relationship was over. She left me with a sentence I held on to for weeks: “Maybe we’ll find each other again in the future, and things will work out when we’re both more mature.”
That was when the hardest part began.
For about a month and a half, we barely spoke. But on social media, I kept seeing reposts that seemed to be about me: missing someone, love that survives difficult times, and even the possibility of a future together. I don’t know whether they were actually about me, but I wanted to believe they were. Every little sign became a reason to hope, and every bit of hope kept me from moving forward.
In the meantime, I tried to improve myself. I started working out, studying more, working harder, and changing the habits that had contributed to our routine. But I have to be honest: at first, I was also doing it because I hoped she would notice and come back. I was constantly anxious, having panic attacks, and feeling empty. Instead of focusing on my own life, I kept looking for signs that it wasn’t really over.
At some point, I found out she was often hanging out with a mutual friend of ours. I asked her about it, and she told me they were just friends and that they only spent time together as part of a group. I had no concrete reason to believe otherwise at the time, so I tried to accept what she told me.
Later, however, I discovered that there was another guy involved.
One day, impulsively, I did something I deeply regret. I accessed her Google Photos account using access I still had from when we used to share things. I know I violated her privacy, and I won’t try to justify it. I was hurting, but that doesn’t make what I did right.
I found pictures of her being affectionate with this other guy, along with intimate conversations between them. There were messages expressing love and screenshots of chats that made it clear their relationship was more than just a friendship. The conversations I saw dated back to just three days after our breakup.
Since this guy had been working with her since June, I couldn’t help wondering whether something had started even before she ended our relationship. I can’t say that for certain, but the dates I saw made me question a lot of things.
I confronted her. She told me she had started talking to him in September, while the conversations I had seen appeared to date back to August, just days after our breakup. I couldn’t explain how I knew this without admitting that I had accessed her private photos, something I deeply regret doing.
That conversation left me with more questions than answers. What hurt most wasn’t simply that she had moved on with someone else, but the feeling that I might not have been told the whole truth about what had happened.
Eventually, I told her that I respected her decision and that I no longer wanted to hear that maybe we’d find each other again someday. I told her that her future was hers to take care of, and I would no longer be part of it.
She cried, we hugged, and I hugged her back. Despite everything, I couldn’t bring myself to hate her. Then I walked away.
The strange thing is that I’ve never stopped considering her an important person in my life. She gave me so much over those four years, and I don’t want to erase all the good memories just because the ending hurt me. I’m disappointed by some of her choices, but I don’t regret the love I gave her.
Today, I’m trying to take my life back. I’m doing things I had neglected, rediscovering who I am, and learning to be on my own. I still have difficult days, and I can’t say I’ve completely healed. But I’m no longer the person who waits for a message every day or searches social media for proof that his ex still loves him.
I don’t know what I would do if she came back, apologized, and admitted she had made mistakes. I don’t even know if I’ll ever be able to remember everything without feeling pain. For now, though, I don’t want to live waiting for that moment.
If I could give one piece of advice to anyone going through something similar, it would be this: don’t turn a “maybe someday” into a promise.
Someone can genuinely have loved you and still decide they don’t want to be with you anymore. They can miss you, still have feelings for you, and yet choose not to build a relationship with you. Mixed signals are not a relationship, and waiting for someone to change their mind can put your entire life on hold.
Don’t spend your days checking stories, likes, reposts, or searching for clues. I’m saying this because I did it too. Every little sign gives you a bit of hope, but sooner or later, you find yourself back at the beginning. And don’t try to become a better version of yourself solely to make someone choose you again. Do it because you deserve a life in which you can be happy, regardless of who is beside you.
You don’t have to hate your ex to move on. You don’t have to pretend that four years meant nothing. You can be grateful for what you experienced and, at the same time, accept that the relationship is over. You can miss someone without having to go back to them.
I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone else the way I loved her. Right now, I can’t even imagine it. But I’m beginning to understand that I don’t need to have all the answers today.
Maybe the point isn’t to stop loving someone overnight. Maybe it’s to learn, one day at a time, to stop abandoning yourself just to keep loving that person.
I’m writing this because I’ve read stories from people going through the same pain, holding on to every little sign and hoping their ex will return. I understand them, because I know how difficult it is to let go of someone you considered home.
I’m not going to tell you that it gets better in a week, or that going to the gym and hanging out with friends is enough. It takes time, and sometimes it hurts terribly. But please don’t put your life on hold for someone who, right now, has chosen not to be in it.
I don’t know when I’ll be completely okay again, but I don’t want to stop living while I wait for someone to choose me.

No contact is the ultimate way to show respect and love to someone who decided not to be part of your life anymore

Got broken up with 3 weeks ago now. It’s been very messy…we haven’t been able to stop crying to each other, seeing each other, having sex, having heartfelt conversations and arguing at times. I proposed staying a night camping in the woods, something we always loved doing together. It was meant to be a really nice getaway to enjoy each other’s company one last time before really letting the relationship “die.” We went yesterday. It was intimate and emotional. We cried a lot. Kissed a lot. It felt like we were grieving the loss of our relationship together.

That’s the end of this chapter in my story, and the start of the next.

We broke up about two months ago, and honestly, during the week I’m mostly fine. I work, I keep myself busy, I go on with my life. But the moment Sunday comes around, or I come home alone after a night out, I start missing him so fucking much.
I’ve tried seeing other people, going on dates, putting myself out there, but nothing and no one seems to make me feel the way he did.
I don’t even know if I miss being in a relationship or if I just miss him. Probably both.
I feel like I’m stuck while life keeps moving, and I hate that I still miss him this much.
Does it actually get better? Because right now it feels like I’ll never stop missing him.

I keep hearing that no contact is the best way to move on after a breakup. But does it actually help?

Like at first you keep checking their profile and waiting for their message. You wonder if they miss you or if they have already moved on. Even when you decide not to contact them you still think about them.

For those who have actually tried no contact how was it in the beginning? Did it get easier with time?

I want to know if no contact really helps you heal or if you just learn to live with the feelings.

Currently going through no contact it's really hard 🥀

Is there anybody in this subreddit who can tell me their stories of how they felt after being broken up with from their first love or a dismissive avoidant and how after they found the person they spent the rest of their lives with? These are the only things really keeping me going currently.

It’s been a month and a half since I got dumped, and I’ve been in no contact ever since. I immediately deleted all our pictures together, our conversations, and got rid of the things that triggered me. And honestly, it helped, and it’s still helping.

I still think about her sometimes, but I don’t want her back anymore. I don’t miss her the way I did a few weeks ago. Right now, all that’s left is an open wound that’s finally starting to heal.

I miss the warmth I had for three years, but I’ve learned to give some of that warmth to myself. I’ve started opening up to people, meeting new people, and even building a closer connection with someone new.

Life goes on, and I just want to ask you all not to waste yours on people who didn’t choose you. I no longer care whether she regrets the breakup, whether she feels nothing at all, or whether she’s already with someone else. That’s no longer my battle, and it’s no longer a part of my life.

This will probably be my last post in this subreddit, so I wish every single one of you peace of mind. I hope you find the strength to pick yourselves up and keep moving forward. It might hurt, and it might be difficult, but I promise you, it’s worth it.

Sending hugs to all of you. Take care, everyone. Goodbye. ❤️

Hi everyone. I'm back to give you an update on the situation I previously shared with you.

After so much time waiting, dealing with anxiety, and spending countless nights wondering what might happen, I finally heard from him this morning. He told me he would call me when the time was right. I decided to call him, but he didn't answer. A few minutes later, he contacted me back, and we ended up talking.

That was when we finally talked about the letter I had sent.

He confirmed that he had received and read the letter. He told me that he had considered not responding because the letter caused him an enormous amount of pain. He said he was completely devastated, that he had experienced anxiety attacks, and that he had been pacing around the house, as the expression goes, because of everything he was feeling.

And despite everything he felt while reading my words, the answer was no.

He doesn't want to go back. As far as he's concerned, the door is closed.

He told me that, just as I ended the relationship and closed the door at that moment, he is now the one keeping it closed. He said I would never be able to return to his life in the same way and that he would never look at me with the same eyes again.

Hearing that was devastating.

During the call, I tried once again to explain what had really happened that day when I was at his house. I told him that I had been extremely nervous and emotionally overwhelmed, and that what I needed most at that moment was a hug, some affection, and the feeling that he wouldn't let me walk away in that state.

I didn't simply want to leave and lose the person I loved. At that moment, I needed to feel that someone was there for me, that he would hold me, and that somehow we could work through everything together.

But he sees things differently. He believes I abandoned him, that I was the one who let him go and closed the door.

I can't see that situation the same way he does. I know I was the one who ended the relationship, but that doesn't mean I stopped loving him or stopped caring about him. If I had stopped caring, I wouldn't have written that letter, exposed my feelings so openly, or tried to explain everything that had been left unsaid.

I'm not saying I didn't make mistakes. I know I made a decision, and I understand that it hurt him deeply. But it hurts to think that moment is being seen as if everything we shared, everything I did for him, and all the love I gave him no longer meant anything because of the way our relationship ended.

During the call, he thanked me for everything I had done while we were together. He acknowledged that I had helped him a lot, supported him, and been important in his life.

He also told me that he had recently spoken about me to his friends and remembered everything I had done for him.

That affected me because I know our relationship meant something. I know I was there for him, supported him, and tried to be someone he could count on.

We also talked about his children. He told me they had been asking about me and that, throughout this time, he had had to deal with everything on his own.

I also explained that I had suffered immensely during this period. That I had felt tremendous pain, missed him terribly, and regretted many things. I explained everything I had written in the letter because I wanted him to understand what I truly felt and why I had tried to reconnect with him.

But, in the end, the answer remained the same.

No.

He told me that he had spent all this time dealing with what had happened and that he had no intention of going back. His decision has been made.

And I have to face that.

The truth is that I still love him deeply. I still feel like I've lost the man I wanted to share my life with. It wasn't just a relationship I wanted to get back. It was him. The person, the moments, the hugs, the way he looked at me, and the life I imagined we could still have together.

And now I have to deal with the possibility that all of it has come to a permanent end.

Part of me keeps thinking about what I could have done differently. I ask myself why I ended the relationship, why I couldn't handle that moment better, and why I couldn't find another way to work things out.

At the same time, I know I can't change the past. I can explain how I felt, acknowledge my mistakes, and try to make amends wherever possible, but I can't force someone to want the same things I do.

The letter was my attempt to show him that my feelings were genuine and that, despite everything, I still wanted to fight for us.

He read the letter. He felt the pain of it, according to what he told me. But it didn't change his decision.

And perhaps that's exactly what hurts the most: realizing that two people can have shared something meaningful, that there can still be pain, and yet one of them may no longer want to continue.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this. Right now, I feel completely lost. I spent so much time waiting for an answer that, when it finally came, I wasn't prepared to hear the one thing I feared the most.

I wanted another chance. I wanted to hear that there was still something worth fighting for. I wanted to believe that the letter could be the beginning of a different conversation, a reconnection, a second chance.

But that's not what happened.

Now I have to respect his decision, no matter how much it hurts, and try to find a way to continue my life without the person I still consider the love of my life.

Thank you to everyone who commented on my previous post, listened to me, offered advice, and stayed with me throughout this waiting period. I know many of you told me to prepare myself for any possible answer, but one thing is knowing rationally that you might hear a no; another is hearing it from the person you want most by your side.

Right now, I'm not looking for people to tell me he'll come back, because I don't want to hold on to hope that may have no basis in reality. I also don't need people simply telling me to move on, because I know that doesn't happen overnight.

I just needed to share the outcome of this story with everyone who had been following it.

I sent the letter. He read it. We talked. I said everything I needed to say.

And the answer was no.

Now I have to learn how to live with that.

Just trying to better understand how relationships work, please leave your experience/story below!!

Today is day 8 and soon to be 9 of no contact.

Wondering how y’all are feeling and those who are further on in their journey, does it get easier?

We may never get to have kids together. You may never come back to me, but so help me God if you use our baby names with some other b*tch.

I miss intimacy so much. My ex and I broke up a little over a week ago. Even saying ex makes me sick. It was a really bad breakup and I am feeling like a junky rn.

I miss being intimate with him so much. It was so good too which makes everything worse. Thinking about him with anyone else makes me feel so sick and gross. Someone else being in his arms where I’m supposed to be. Idk if he’s moved on already which I hate. It’s not like I’m just stewing, I’m trying to stay busy but it’s so hard.

I want to go home to him and cuddle into him and smell his armpits. I want him to hold my hips and pick me up and kiss me. This whole situation is just so hard I need time to pass quicker. I want to talk to him just one more time.

I already know when I do move on and let myself be intimate with someone again, I’m going to be so sad, especially if it’s bad. Like I can’t have bad sx I hate it so so much.

Why did he have to leave me out of nowhere? Everything was so perfect and fine and there’s no sign of him ever talking to me again. We would have had such a beautiful life together this is so horrible.

So a while back I posted that my first relationship had ended on good terms and that there were no hard feelings. Well shortly after that post we ended up getting back together after an exceedingly short break. I think it only lasted about two weeks or so. We were together for the rest of the summer, and it was the happiest few months of my life again. We had been friends who secretly loved each other for three years or so, and back around may decided to try things out. We had acted as a couple for those three years even though things weren't official, so the transition went extremely smoothly.

Well, after we got back together, and the three months were up, she asked me to get engaged and I was not comfortable with it (She just got into UCF and I'm finishing up high school, so I didn't think it was wise). She tried to pressure me into it and eventually I caved cause I was scared to lose her. The very next day she went to get ready for a tailgate and called me. We were all flirty while she got ready and I thought that things were finally stable. We even made plants to hang out when she got back around 7 or 8 a clock at night. Well the night passed, and no messages, save for a single picture of a vodka seltzer and her saying she was wasted. After that, I checked in to see if she was safe and ok and she told me she was in this guy's dorm but that she was gonna go back soon so we could talk. She didn't come back, so I went to sleep. The next morning, I called and she picked up the phone after a decent wait. As it turns out, she slept with the other guy (literally slept with, not sex.) I was so blind and didn't wanna lose her, so I told her it was ok and that I would still keep loving her. She didn't care.

She broke up with me and got with the other guy out of convenience cause she was tired of having to support the relationship since we couldn't see each other in person all that often now that we weren't in High School. She got with him just a few days later and blocked me. I've thought about reaching out through other unblocked platforms, but I don't wanna seem a creep

This was my first love. I don't know how to manage this to be honest. She swore up and down she would have moved the earth for me, but the second she got tired of the inconvenience of distance, I got thrown to the side. It was so fast. One month later and they posted on Instagram about their one-month anniversary and how they've never been happier in all their lives just last night. I wish the absolute best for them, because it's hard for me to harbor resentment against someone I loved. I can't lie though I feel quite betrayed because I put up with her emotional necessities for years even if they stressed me out too for three years, and when it was her turn to do the same but just from distance and resistance from my parents, she fell apart.

Looking back, this is probably for the best to have found out now, because if this is how fast she can drop someone and pick up someone else instead of valuing me, then it isn't a healthy place to be in, but even then It still hurts. Any ideas on how to speed up the healing process? I wanna stop being a burden to all of my friends with this grief and worry I won't find someone I love like this again. Thank you to all of you for reading in advance.

I think the way to overcome a breakup is simpler than you might think. Having experienced several breakups in my life, I’ve come to realize that people ultimately overcome a breakup in one of three ways.

The first is meeting someone who is a better match and having a happy relationship.

The second is fully understanding and accepting the reason for the breakup.

The third is getting back together and continuing the relationship.

Personally, I have overcome a breakup using the first method. In the past, I used to think, "It will get better with time," but looking back, it seems that time didn't heal the wounds; rather, new relationships and new experiences were what propelled me forward.

However, right after a breakup, I think I always had similar thoughts:

"It's really all over now."

"I never want to see that person again."

"I've completely moved on."

But honestly, those words were mostly just things said out of sheer pain. In reality, that wasn't the case. I would be fine for a few days, only to suddenly think of them; I would be fine for a few weeks, but if memories happened to pop into my head, my heart would waver again. So now, I think I understand. That people's hearts don't get over things that easily. This is especially true if you haven't found someone new, haven't fully accepted why you broke up, and still think there's a possibility you might get back together.

No matter how much you tell yourself, "I'm okay now," in that state, it seems inevitable that you will struggle again at some point. There are more moments in our daily lives when we need a partner than we realize.

When you return home after an exceptionally difficult day.

When something good happens and you want to tell someone first.

On days when you feel lonely for no reason and need someone's comfort.

When you suddenly think of them while listening to a love song.

When a single lyric in a breakup song makes you choke up for no reason.

These moments arrive at unexpected times.

And I think the hardest part is the moment you look at your ex's social media without thinking. When you see them doing well, or imagine them looking happy with someone new, there are many times when the feelings you thought were okay crumble in an instant. So, lately, I've been thinking this.

I think overcoming a breakup isn't about being completely out of your mind, but rather being in a state where your daily life doesn't fall apart even when you do think of them. It's a state where thinking of them doesn't make you feel depressed all day like before, nor does it get you overwhelmed by the urge to contact them again; it's simply accepting them as a memory. I think that is what true recovery is.

Of course, if you still like someone deeply, I think it's perfectly natural to hope for a reunion. After all, if you truly loved someone, it's only natural that you can't give up easily. However, the important thing isn't to deceive yourself and pretend to be okay, but to honestly acknowledge where your heart stands right now.

And someday, whether you meet a better person, come to understand the reason for the breakup, or actually get back together—I believe the day will eventually come when you move on from the breakup through one of those three paths. Even if it's very hard right now, I hope you don't get too impatient. You'll find that more people than you think go through the same process, and surprisingly many of them eventually get better.

You don't want the relationship back, but part of you still wants evidence that you mattered and that your ex recognizes what they lost.

Dumpers will give you some melodramatic speech about how much they love you and "care about you" whilst proceeding to quite literally ruin your life because most times they are too lazy, too self centred, and disloyal to the promises they've made, to actually try and build a relationship, grow with someone, forgive, etc. This does not apply of course to situations where the "dumpee" cheats, abuses, or refuses to fix behaviours after multiple chances.

This is about those people who acknowledge their partner (who loves them more than anything) isn't perfect in some ares, or asks for grace, so they decide to leave because "they're not longer in love" and "things changed". I know, I KNOW, such is life. Everyone has a right to leave you - you mean nothing. I know, words mean nothing, or memories, or building a life with someone. Someone loving you and then spending months or years being heavily depressed, someone trusting you, someone giving you their heart just to then be blindsided or left out in the cold is NOT a dumper's responsibility. Once they break up with you you're just suddenly, in a matter of hours, fully on your own. Like they literally do not care. They literally become this psychotic cold monster you cannot even recognise. As if you didn't live the same relationship.

Dumpers are quite extraordinary people. I am astonished at their level of selfishness and "choosing themselves". They are so comfortable knowing someone's heart is bleeding and yet going to sleep perfectly content, proud of their decision, even feeling like they're the bigger, better person because they "made the right call". They find themselves to be strong and, even crazier, MORALLY superior.

THEY KNOW what is best for the dumpee, they even have the absolute total nerve to say stuff like "you are an amazing person I know you'll do well" "you'll find happiness" "things will get better" "you meant so much to me but sadly this chapter is over, focus on yourself". Dumpee is left screaming into a pillow, defeated, packing their stupid bags and moving in with their parents. Dumpee is literally the humiliated, hurt fool. And dumpers? Look at the glow up they're having after break ups, how fast they get with someone else, how quick they are to forget. The dumpee literally never crosses their mind again, it's just some faded shadow of the past. The dumpers cannot wait to get rid of you, strategise, and even dare to play the victim. They too "are hurting", yet somehow find in themselves the amazing energy to progress in all areas of their life immediately after the heartbreak, whilst the dumpee stops eating, sleeping, speaking, moving, barely keeps their job.

I am sorry but a lot of the dumpers have an element of cruelty in their behaviour. The way they get sooooo cold after the break up, the excuses they make to justify their decision and hurting you, the total, cold, deep indifference leaves behind just trauma.

Dumpers do not care, they forget you immediately, you never really meant much but sadly they're only showing you how little you meant at the end. You were just a temporary emotional support pet, and the second you needed them to prove the many promises they've made you, well, you're on your own.

They "cut their loses" and move on. What's even better is that they leave KNOWING they are still fully loved, fully missed, fully desired. They go out there full of confidence and bliss because THEY KNOW they have not lost anything. They chose to move onto far better things, whilst maintaining the awareness that somewhere on earth someone's heart is still breaking because of them. It must be a nice feeling to have endless opportunities for happiness, and leave behind hurt people whilst you go by your day.

They are still very much adored. And they go into the next thing with even more confidence, because not only they are loved and they had the capacity to break someone s soul because of their power, but also they learned how great they are from their "ex", they've learned how to behave, what to do, etc. They all move onto the next person who's stupid enough to love them almost immediately. The dumpee does not even dare to make eye contact with a new person, for years or ever again. Because the worthlessness, the rejection, the pain the dumper installs in them lingers, they are quite literally not the same person anymore. In fact, they are NOT a person anymore.

They're just a walking shell, never to regain their smile, their joy, the things that once made them "good".

I am hoping "love" never finds me again. Because experiencing this level of heartbreak truly makes life not worth living. And I could never live with myself if I were to put someone through this pain. But I wouldn't do it. Because I am not cruel.

I’ve been reading a few stories on here, and I would like to share mine because I think it might help some of you.
I’m 37 years old, and for the past few years, I have been in a relationship with someone I genuinely thought would be my forever.
Unfortunately, a few weeks ago, everything changed.

Our relationship was truly exceptional. It was the first time I felt genuinely loved by someone. The first time I truly loved someone. The first time I felt so deeply connected to another person.
She showed me what healthy love could look like. She was affectionate, patient, understanding and optimistic. She listened without judging and made me feel accepted for who I was.
To me, she was incredible. And I believe we both saw a future together. We talked about house and kids.

But something I have come to realise through this experience is that you can love someone deeply and still have things within yourself that prevent you from giving them the relationship they need.
I loved her for who she was. But perhaps, in some ways, i think a part of her loved the person she could see I had the potential to become.
I have many qualities I’m proud of, but I have also realised that my emotional intelligence was no way near hers.
I struggled to understand my own emotions, communicate when things became uncomfortable and provide emotional safety in the ways a relationship sometimes requires.
To give you some simple examples, I am anxious person who sometimes seeks reassurance, and the way I do it make her think that I don’t trust her. Even though she always showed me that she can be trusted. For her, thinking that I don’t trust her hurts her.
I am the person who deliver the message the wrong way, even if the main message is a caring one. I am going to tell them that it’s rude to be on the phone when we are together instead of saying I would like to be more connected with you. I am the guy who is not going to validate someone’s feeling. I remember one day she was feeling sad. I gave her a hug and thought that would be enough. She was still sad and what I did was, what I was told all my life. We can’t just focus on the bad things otherwise we don’t live. I said that… For me, I was just trying to be realistic and see the glass of water half full, but for her, I delivered the following message, You are not validating my feelings.
, that I was bordeljne empathetic. Which I’m not, I truly do feel people’s emotions but my threshold to express it verbally or physically is very high. I am very judgmental without even realising it. You are too sensitive etc. I don’t mean bad. I just do whatever I’ve always been taught. I just reproduced what people did to me. I grew up in a family where criticisms and judgements were a daily thing.

There were things she could see and feel that I simply didn’t understand at the time.
And I think this is one of the hardest things to accept: sometimes, love is genuinely there, but the alignment isn’t.
Two people can love each other and still struggle to meet each other’s emotional needs. Not necessarily because one person doesn’t care, but because they don’t yet have the awareness or the tools to understand what is happening between them.

She describes herself as a people pleaser. Always put people need before her. She is very caring. She is empathic. She genuinely wants to help everyone. she struggles with boundaries. She puts a lot of pressure on herself. She is perfectionist and always give 300% to other others and work. People get used to it, this is a vicious circle. She burned out a few times. I genuinely cared for her but wasn’t delivering the message properly. I was just adding more pressure. Don’t do this. Don’t do that. It’s not good for you. You should be doing this etc. She had so much pressure on her shoulders that she slowly withdrew from her family and friends even though she is someone always very close to them. Somehow, I think she was still very close to me, but I was not able to be the rock that she needed.

In my case, I had been stuck in certain patterns for a very long time. After a few therapy session, the psychologist recognised some of my coping mechanisms. I am an intellectualiser, I use humour as a shield. I have subconsciously managed to suppress what I feel through different techniques.

The ending felt brutal and sudden. Another word she’s just vanished.
But when I started reflecting on our relationship, I realised that perhaps it wasn’t as sudden as I had initially believed. There were things I hadn’t understood, conversations I hadn’t fully heard and patterns I hadn’t recognised.
The shock forced me to stop and look at myself.
I started therapy. I began listening to podcasts about psychology and philosophy. I started journalling, which I absolutely love because putting your thoughts on paper makes them real. Things that were once a confusing mess inside your head suddenly become something you can look at, understand and work through.
I also started breathwork. Sport has always been a big part of my life, so I have continued using that as well.
I have poured a lot of my energy into learning.
And one of the strangest things about therapy so far is how much easier things can become when someone finally gives a name to a pattern you’ve lived with for years.
Nothing magically disappears. But when you can recognise a pattern, you can start noticing it in real time. You can begin to understand where it comes from, how it affects the people around you and what you might do differently.
Suddenly, what once felt like chaos starts to make sense.
I’m not sharing this because I think everyone should deal with heartbreak the way I do. Everyone grieves differently, and there is nothing wrong with being sad, missing your person or remembering the beautiful moments you shared.
But I do want to share something I have been learning.
When you lose someone you genuinely love, the pain can become an opportunity to look at yourself in a way you might never have done before.
It’s uncomfortable. It’s confronting. Sometimes, it’s frightening.
But it can also be the beginning of something important.
It’s tempting to fill the void immediately. To download the dating apps, meet new people, seek validation or find something that makes the loneliness a little easier to bear.
And there is nothing wrong with meeting people or moving forward when you are ready.
But I think it’s worth asking yourself one question first.
What if, instead of immediately trying to fill the space left by someone else, you used some of that space to understand yourself better? Get comfortable with the uncomfortable.

The more you do, the more you practice, it becomes easier. It does require a lot energy, as you need to be conscious when doing it, but eventually it will become less energy consuming and a part of yourself.

Look back at your relationship honestly.
What did you do well? What could you have done differently? What patterns kept appearing? What did your partner try to tell you that you weren’t ready or able to understand? What did you need but struggle to communicate?
And perhaps most importantly, where did those patterns come from?
For me, many of the things I’m now exploring seem to have roots in my childhood and the ways I learned to think, behave and protect myself.
Understanding that doesn’t mean excusing my mistakes. It means recognising that some of the ways I have always operated aren’t necessarily the only ways I can live.
I can take responsibility for them without hating myself for having them, and providing different responses.
Of course, a part of me would love to find my way back to her, I’m not going to pretend otherwise. A part of myself actually feel sad as I now understand her better than before. Somehow, this makes me love her even more.

But I have also realised that getting back together, if that ever became possible, without doing this work would end up the same way.
Love alone doesn’t automatically resolve the things that made a relationship difficult.
And this work cannot be conditional on getting someone back. It has to matter even if they never return.
Initially, perhaps, the motivation comes from the person you have lost. That’s understandable. Sometimes heartbreak is the first thing powerful enough to make us stop avoiding the things we have carried for years.

You start doing it for yourself. For the relationships you will have in the future. For the people you love. For the conversations you will handle differently, the emotions you will learn to express and the moments when you will be able to understand someone instead of immediately defending yourself.
You begin to realise that this work was necessary regardless of how the story with your ex ends.
I’m only a few therapy sessions into this journey. I don’t have all the answers, and I’m certainly not writing this as someone who has figured everything out.
I’m writing it as someone who has started to see things differently and understood that I have power on my future, on my actions.
Maybe the relationship you lost was beautiful. Maybe you still love that person. Maybe you wish more than anything that things could have ended differently.
You don’t have to stop feeling those things to start growing.
And you don’t have to become a completely different person.
You can become a better version of the person you already are, by understanding yourself more deeply, recognising your patterns and learning to show up differently.
If there is one thing I hope you take from my story, don’t let the pain of losing someone be the only thing you take away from the experience.
Give yourself the chance to learn something from it, too.
Because ten years from now, the person you become might look back at this painful chapter and be grateful that, as difficult as it was, it finally gave you a reason to begin.

I know sometimes blocking can be seen as a very harsh decision to take but sometimes it can be very healthy for you, remember that YOU are number one in this life, no one else. Remember that you are valuable and should not be played with or taken for granted, in my situation my ex was playing games so i decided to shut it down and block her everywhere but letting them know if they wanted to reach out they could through x and y app.

By month 4 i was totally peaceful mentally, then thats when she reached out and we agreed to have a talk.....2 months after and nothing(also they might be dating someone?) but they still wouldnt totally dissapear from my life, id have days were just seeing them around my circle would just trigger me and set a whole day of distraction and mental fog, it got to the point i HAD to stop this nonsense and look out for myself, and im glad i did it!

This was primarily for me and only for me, it took me a while to take that decision because i didnt want to "hurt" them or seem immature but sometimes they dont help themselves as to confusing us with their reach outs or contacts. Its month 6 and honestly im still scared and i still love them but if they dont love me i know someone who is a better match for me will. Match their interest level and their actions but remember to be mature! dont be like them, be better.

Okay, so I've got a lot of questions in my DMs which I'm going to go through as fast as I can

1: Attending Activities Where Your Ex May Be Present

Someone has asked about whether or not they should be attending activities that their ex also attends. So in this case, the answer is twofold.

You could take the approach of, you know what, the best way to get through something is to face it and walk right through it, in which case, yes, of course you should go. And you shouldn't let yourself be bullied away from things that you already like. You have to remember that you are strong, and you're the lead character in your own life- you're not sort of trying to play to other people's rules.

But at the same time, in the initial phases after a breakup, any trigger points could set you back a lot, so there's no shame in taking a few weeks or months away from the activity. But just make sure that it doesn't become this long-term thing where you're scared of ever interacting or seeing something, or getting bullied away from something else that you used to enjoy.

2: Excusing Your Ex's Bad Behavior

Number two, this is more a pattern that I have noticed in all of your messages actually, and it's things like just excusing your ex's bad behavior. Now this comes in many forms. Sometimes it can be that they've blocked you somewhere, but it's like, "Oh, they're unblocking me, but then they're blocking me again, but they're unblocking me."

And oftentimes, you know, we come up with all these excuses. It's like a form of Stockholm Syndrome where you're going to let your ex do anything. There's nothing they could do wrong because this is a symptom of: deep down, you blame yourself for this breakup, and you don't blame this other person. So everything they're doing is completely rational, and everything you're doing is wrong. That's completely untrue, and you should never excuse their bad behavior. You should be annoyed at them for breaking your relationship up, because it's very difficult to get it back. After someone has looked you in the eye and said they don't want to be with you anymore, you should blame them for that. And anything they're doing in the meantime-whether it's blocking you, or if they're trying to post pictures that you think are trying to make you jealous-well, then screw them, okay?

3: Handling the Fear of Them Never Returning & No-Contact Strategy

This is a common one: What if they never return?

There's no guarantees in life. There's no guarantees following what I'm going to tell you, but I can assure you that there are no guarantees following what anyone else is advising you on the internet.

And you have to remember also that 99% of relationships fail. Okay, this doesn't mean that you're a failure. Doesn't mean that that relationship was bad, but it means you're always going up against the odds when a relationship ends. I mean, think of it-people go through divorces that have been together for 30 years. It happens all the time. It's very difficult to maintain a relationship, and we often expect something magical out of ourselves. And of course, this is all natural evolution-that this is something that's planted inside you that you think everything will last forever, that you're the exception to the rule. That's what keeps the species going really deep down.

But the important thing is to remember that although they may not come back, they will consider it. Every single person that breaks up with someone considers getting back with them. And the most important thing that I'm really advising you here, the key thing to take away, is they are going to consider it. They are going to reflect on you, and they are going to look back and wonder. And when they do, you want to give the impression that your life is a moving train that they want to hop on board, okay? You don't want to appear like a broken-down train with a sign that says "waiting for passengers."

So this means that you have to keep living your life. You cannot just let this shut you down so they discover that you've been doing nothing, and that you are broken from this, and that you can't recover, and you're waiting for them. No, you keep going. You keep improving and don't even expect them to come back. Unfortunately, they're more likely to if you don't expect it- and you don't, frankly, if you don't want them. That's the truth: you're going to behave in a different way if you're not pining after someone and you're not reflecting on them. People give off an aura of that, and it's oddly attractive to someone that used to be with you, because it makes them wonder and they start thinking that you're coping with things better than them. That makes you appear like the stronger one, and that will pull them back.

And the main thing is, you are going to get a chance. Like, they are going to contact you. There's a few different ways I think that this person is going to contact you. Oftentimes, it comes within the first two months, or they sort of contact you a bit right after the breakup because they're just sort of bad at letting go of contact. But I think you pretty much have one chance to salvage a relationship - one real chance to salvage it - and you don't want to blow that by chasing after it too early.

Which is why the 30-day no-contact rule is a complete bullshit line, and you're going to sabotage yourself. Because that way you sort of get to scratch the itch they had when they were wondering about you, and then a month later they go meet you and they go, "Oh, actually it's okay, they still look like they're weak and I still don't feel that bad about it, so this is nice, I've closed the book on it." You want to wait until they contact you, so that way they're sort of chasing after you—it seems like their idea to meet up.

So there's usually a contact maybe within the first couple months, or this person is very stubborn and it takes a long time. Could take many months, could even take years until they actually reach out and contact you. And when this happens, it's usually that they feel so far past it that they actually fall back into a little bit of seduction over the idea. They're just sort of playing the subconscious game with themselves where, even though they know they haven't contacted you, they're sort of being nostalgic and thinking, "I wonder how they're doing. You know, it wouldn't be any harm to just message and ask them how they're doing. I mean, just meet up with them, see how they're doing. I mean, what would be the big deal? We used to get along all the time, this is fun." Because this is when they're talking themselves back into contacting you.

And you don't have to do anything. Suddenly, you'll just get a text. It will ask how you're doing, or hope you're doing well, whatever it is. And then you get to say, "Hey, we should meet up and catch up over a drink." And they think, "Oh yeah, you know, I've already asked how you're doing, why wouldn't I think like that? You know, what's the harm? We used to get along so well." And then you're two former lovers meeting up. You play it correctly, you can at the very least seduce them back into it.

Otherwise, even if you do try and seduce them and it fails, they'll still walk away thinking to themselves, "Yeah, what was I thinking? I just met up with my ex." They're lulling themselves into that situation, so you should be aware of that when they agree to meet up with you, especially over a drink or something.

4: Dealing with Infidelity or Rejection for Someone Else

Number four on the list I have here: if someone has cheated on you, or you suspect that they left you for someone else, and you're asking me or anyone how you think you can get them back, you really need to sit down and ask yourself: why do you want this person back?

It's going to be very, very difficult for you to look at this person the same way, because they've already betrayed you. And you're going to always sit there and think, "Oh my god, this person walked off with someone else, they thought there was a better life for them out there, and they betrayed me and they made me feel like crap." And this is not the type of person that is ready for a healthy relationship. At the very least, you deserve better than that, and you should be seeking someone better than that, and you should not in any way, shape, or form be waiting for someone like that to come back.

Their next relationship is probably going to fail, because the person that they've left you for doesn't really take them that seriously, to be honest, because they're the type of person that leaves a relationship. So even if they got into a relationship, they're now going to be looking at it like, "Oh, you know, he or she is late from work," or "Oh, out with their friends," and then they're going to get a little bit paranoid and they're going to look for symptoms early on that this person might leave them—because they've seen how shitty they can treat someone they were supposed to love. And that's what's going to happen in their next relationship. And you should be aware—so that's what happened in yours. And you deserve better than that, and honestly, do not wait for someone like that to come back.

However, if you really think that it's something you did, just go no contact. And wait for them to come back and see- see then what you think about it. You have to just get yourself through these moments of weakness where you're not thinking rationally, so you have a moment of clarity. And you can get back into a relationship feeling strong and like you are still yourself, and that you're making the decision to get back with them because you actually want them—not because you're going through a withdrawal and you feel like you need them, or where you're chasing someone just because they rejected you and you're scared you can't do any better. You have to get through that phase before you're actually willing or ready to get back with them, and that's the only way the relationship will work. So you are doing the right thing by doing that.

But if someone has cheated on you, the real fun part will be you realizing that you actually don't trust them, and you don't want them anymore, and that you're a little disgusted by their behavior, and you can't wait to find someone better. And there's so many people out there that are better than someone that will cheat on you.

5: Social Media Dynamics, Breadcrumbs, and Maintaining Self-Respect

Social media, right? Someone asked me this just recently, asking, "You know, my ex- I haven't been in contact with them, but they liked something on Instagram. Does this mean I can go contact them?"

It's very tempting when someone likes your post to go overboard and think, "Oh my god, this is it! This is the sign I've been waiting for!"—because unfortunately, you have been waiting for it. Do not in any way go chasing after this. A person liking something is not contact- that's a pussyfooting around it and sort of being like, "Hey, I want to be nice and friendly, but I don't actually want to talk to you." If someone isn't contacting you to ask how you're doing, something that's to do with you, what are you trying to get out of this?

Hey, you really are going to just go chase this person away. They're sort of testing you a little bit. They want to see, "Oh, if I just dip my toe here, are you going to overreact?" It's very important that when someone contacts you, or if they make a small, tiny gesture like sending you a Snapchat that might be sent to a lot of people- that's another message I was sent- that you don't overreact and suddenly start pressuring them. A lot of the time when we're chasing after someone that we used to love, we put a lot of pressure on the relationship, and they're no longer thinking about it in the same pressurized way. And by putting all this pressure, you're actually going to scare them away.

You want it to just be a nice, flowy, easy thing for this person to fall back into. And then you should start dating them. Start- if you want to, that is- start dating them, start having sex with them, and then wait for them to put the pressure on getting back together. You should be looking at it like, "Yeah, I'll do that, but I'm also going to keep my eye on what else is out there because this person has betrayed me once, and I'm not really ready to commit to that."

Social media behavior: do not change yourself. Don't go out of your way to start posting pictures like a douchebag—like if you never usually post on Instagram, and then you suddenly start posting pictures with girls or on dates. Who the hell is giving you this advice online? Some idiot. Never start doing this. You don't want your ex to look back and go, "Oh, they never used to do anything, but now they've turned into a complete stereotypical dickhead online who's trying to boast." You could start posting pictures, sure, but things you're doing. But it should only be if you're the type of person that does that. Don't alter your behavior for this person.

The rest of your life and your future is yours to craft. It has nothing to do with this person. So do not let them dictate how you're going to live your life, and definitely don't start trying to play a game that you will lose because they're not as invested in this game that you might start playing. If you're trying to one-up them saying like, "Oh look, I'm with a girl," or "I'm with this other handsome guy," they can just play with you very easily back, and you're going to take it way worse. So do not do that.

If they give you a breadcrumb- something small like, "Come collect your post," so I thought, and it gets into a very technical conversation where you're not actually talking to one another- don't fall into this turning into a conversation. It's going to set you way back. Neither one of you is really trying to have a conversation, wondering how each other are doing, and then what you fall into is arguing, because you're both kind of pissed off at one another, and you're both confused or both grieving the relationship, and you end up sort of getting petty.

And by chasing after someone, or by creating the arguments after a breakup, or going on a rant, or drunk-dialing them, or any of these things, you create what I like to call awkward blood. It's not bad blood; it's awkward blood, and I think that's borderline worse. Because I've had this happen where I've been on the opposite side of it, where an ex really freaked out and it made it kind of awkward. And I think of it and I'm like, "Oh well, I couldn't contact that person, it's way too awkward after what they did," because the imbalance became too much and it would be embarrassing to go back to. You don't want them to reflect on you and think, "Oh, that might be awkward." You want them to think, "I wonder how they're doing? We're still even-steven, and we used to get on great." You know, as I said, let them lull themselves back into a sense of comfort and contacting you. So do not chase them away.

And there's no timeline on it. I don't believe in timelines. Anyone that's trying to sell you something that says there's a specific amount of time that this has to happen in is lying. If this person is really interested, if they're going to consider you in their future - which you're obviously thinking they will at some point - then they're going to come back one way or another. People always find a way to get someone back if they want them, and at the moment, they're the one that needs to make the gesture, not you.

And the important thing is just to stay strong. Stick with no contact. And remember, if someone isn't contacting you, then they have no value to you. They determine their value to your life by whether or not they contact you. And do not forget that you're strong, powerful, and you're the leader of your own life. And you're not going to let this random person dictate your behavior—especially not someone that's hurt you. They need to come back and make a gesture to you, or you're not interested, you're moving on, and you're well capable of finding someone better.

Okay, so stay strong. You got this!

Over and out

I know for a DARN TOOTIN’ FACT YOULL NEVER FIND ANYONE BETTER THAN ME
IM LIMITED EDITION
IM EMPATHETIC
I literally would have sleep for dinner to make sure you ate 😴
Hahahaha I took you across the states and to the beaches. No one else will ever do that.

And one thing
The best part.
I supported, and cared for you. When no one else did and you’ll never replace that
You’ll always look for me in other people
And I get to live with growing. While you get to stay stuck and never change.
Because you never wanted to.
I can’t change you.

Me: 55 y.o. man. I have been separated from my soon-to-be ex wife for a little over a year now. We filed for divorce in April of this year and have recently put up the house for sale. Unfortunately, we both still live under the same roof. I have been paying the mortgage and she claims she has no money to move out. I had asked her to move out since I found out she was having an affair with a married man in July of 2025. The married man went back to his wife after I found his wife on FB and messaged her. I tried saving my marriage, but started moving on several months later.

I met a 54 y.o. woman, Jenn in the spring of this year. She was attractive and kind. I told her from the very beginning that I was still living with my ex, that we were filing for divorce and that I am not looking for a serious relationship right now. She seemed okay with it or so I thought. We kissed on our first date and had sex on our second date (her idea). We would go out for drinks on Saturday nights and then sleep together afterwards. This went on for about two months. In that time, we learned about each other. She is into ghost hunting and psychic mediumship. We would walk into a place and she would talk about a bad entity. She did tarot for me and she would talk about conversations with her ancestors that have passed. She spent a bunch of money on ghost hunting equipment. It was weird, but she seemed to be a good person and we had a nice connection.

My birthday came. We went out together as usual. She got me a birthday gift.........nothing big, but it was thoughtful. She is into crystals and she got me an anthracite stone embedded in polished stone. After a night of several drinks and sex she said to me, "It's your birthday, what do you want?" I told her that a back rub would be nice. She said, "No! What do you want?!" I quickly realized she must have been asking about her and I. She kind of blindsided me. I told her that I didn't want to get into anything serious, like I told her in the beginning. She then said that she didn't want to be a secret anymore. She had told me a few weeks earlier that she didn't want my soon-to-be ex to know about her.

I liked her, but I wasn't sure I wanted to start a relationship so quickly and I'm not even divorced yet. I felt that maybe I should give myself more time to be single. Even though I was dating this woman, I was open to dating other women.

Since she didn't want to be a secret anymore, I invited her to hang out with some of my friends. I introduced her to my friends and they liked her.

The week after, one of my friends was having a get together, so I invited her. She said no. She didn't explain why. The weekend after, she went to a paranormal conference to see the Annabelle doll from the Conjuring movies. She went with a girlfriend of hers and she sent me pics. The weekend after that, she went out with her girlfriends. It seemed our plans weren't aligning. During that time, I had told my therapist about her (I have been going to therapy to workout my marriage ending). I had told him about the new woman. He had told me that having sex so soon when dating can distort true intimacy. He had warned me not to get into dating yet. When I told him that she has said that she asked me what I want and that she didn't want to be a secret anymore, he suggested that I pause sex and alcohol dates with her to get to know her more intimately. I decided to do that. I texted her to let her know that I want to continue seeing her and that we should pause sex and go for walks and coffee dates. She replied that maybe we should just be friends. That was not the response I was expecting. I reiterated that we continue seeing each other and that my suggestion to pause sex was to get to know each other better. She agreed, but I think she was reluctant. We continued texting and chatting. She invited me to a lounge with her girlfriends. At first, it seemed like we were just hanging out as friends, but then she asked if we could take a walk together. We chatted for about an hour before heading back to her friends. I only had two drinks that night. She invited me out again for karaoke with her friends. We had fun and I didn't drink at all that night. I left a bit early because I had to work the next day. She left with me. I walked her to her car. She put her arms around my head and said, "Are you okay to drive? You drank a lot tonight!" Joking of course. Then we kissed.

After that night, she stopped contacting me. I felt sad. I started missing her. I texted her after a few days saying that "I take it by your silence you don't want to see me anymore?". She did text me and let me know that she made some promises to herself that she intends to keep. That she doesn't want to date right now and just concentrate on being herself and we should just be friends.

I started trying to figure out what went wrong. I realized that she must have felt devalued. I wrote her a message that I didn't mean to make her feel that way. Offering her body to me without any real commitment. However, I didn't know she felt this way. I feel like I lost a friend. I have been mourning the bond we had. She texted me that she didn't want my kids to know about her and end up hating dad's girlfriend if they didn't even know their parents were getting divorced. She said that she wouldn't call me because she didn't know if it was safe to call. My ex and I did eventually tell my kids back in August that we were getting divorced, though I haven't told Jenn about it. Maybe I should?

She texted me one night when she was with her girlfriend that they passed by a bar that we had hung out at once and told me what a fun time she had. It made me sad because I felt like she was twisting a knife in me. I told her I had to go no contact with her for a little while because it hurts to be in touch with her and that she doesn't want to date. She said that it seemed like I was saying goodbye. I told her, just for now.

She contacted me about three weeks later saying that she would like to talk and that there may have been miscommunication. She told me that when I told her that I wanted to pause sex, that she felt that I didn't want to see her anymore. I told her that wasn't the case. I told her that our drinking and having sex everytime we saw each other was getting in the way of getting to know each other truly. We started chatting again tentatively. I asked her out for coffee. We met for coffee and it was nice. I was admiring her. The freckles on her chest. Even her flaws- the wrinkles in her eyes.

I wonder if the distance was making me idealize her as I remembered that while we were dating and everything seemed fine, that I felt maybe I should be give myself time to date other women.

I think that, ever since that night when she asked 'What do I want', things changed, but I didn't realize it at first. Looking back, I started connecting the dots.
I sometimes wonder though, was I only just starting to really get into her because she was pulling away?

Having sex so soon complicated things. I find myself wondering if I could have done something different. "If only I had.........", "Maybe I could have". It's ironic because we both wanted the same thing, but at different times. For me, it sucks because I had to deal with my ex wife's betrayal, grieve the end of my marriage and now the end of something potentially wonderful.

One of the last conversations we had she said to me that maybe we can revisit dating again when I'm not living with my ex wife. That was in August.

After our coffee date, I asked her if she wanted to go to a music festival. At first she said yes, then she changed her mind. I think she is protecting herself emotionally from being dragged into a bond with me as I am still not officially divorced.

I reached out to her about a month ago because I saw on FB that her mom was sick with cancer. She replied that her mom actually died and that she was very sad. I told her I would be praying for her. She didn't ask me how things are going or what I'm up to. I suppose she doesn't want to open up any dialogue. I respected that and kept the conversation there. I didn't ask about what she's been up to or try to get her to open up dialogue. That was the last I've heard from her.

Sometimes I feel that I should just take this as a lesson learned and that I should move on. Other times, I feel that maybe the story isn't over and that when my ex and I sell the house, I should get in touch with Jenn.

What would you do if you were me?

Sorry for the long message. Feedback would be nice, but I was also venting. I didn't think this post would be so long.