(HLF) here. Been with my partner (LLM) for 11 years. We are married. No kids. We don’t have sex. We don’t touch. We don’t kiss.

He occasionally grabs my butt a couple of times.

I’ve asked for some affection, I’ve asked if he has developed…particular tastes.. I can fulfill for him. I tell him I would literally do anything while in down on my knees. He just tells me he’s not confident.

I’ve also asked for therapy —but I asked him to show some initiative, and show me that he also wants it to change, by booking one himself. That was two years ago.

We usually have sex once every few months.

And now I feel so completely guilty that all I can think about and dream about is sex. Stranger sex, ex boyfriend sex, book sex, etc. — Unfortunately sex with anybody but him.

I never thought of myself as an overtly sexual person but now I am constantly thinking about any and all types of men. I feel like I now look at a man and size him up immediately. To the point where I find myself STARING at people. Like who does that.

It’s like when people say you have on beer goggles. I have bedroom goggles on and it’s effecting my life.

I fulfill my own urges but that also feels…like I’m doing something wrong.

Had an amazing day with my gf, lots of flirting and touching and good vibes, lots of laughing and fun. I asked her in the evening if she wanted to be intimate and said I needed to calm down.

Makes me feel like garbage.

We haven’t had sex in 3 months. Before that last time had been 3 months ago. I’m (40f) the only one who initiates, tried to initiate this morning to husband (45m) I stroked him till he got an erection but he just ends up patting the cat. Told him this is a problem. He runs away and then admits that this is a problem he needs to work on. I asked when did he think he might start working on the problem and he says he doesn’t know. I just feel so unloveable

I married the first and only man to show me any kind of romantic attention. He is a wonderful partner and father but is largely uninterested in sex. For years I accepted this. I take a pretty passive approach to sex. I don't initiate, I don't humiliate myself, I basically take what I can get.

Recently a man flirted with me at a hotel bar. First time this has ever happened to me. I couldn't stop thinking about it so I told my husband. I told him I craved desire. He offered scheduled sex but didn't seem enthusiastic. I told him to forget about it.

Is there anywhere to go from here?

As the title says after what duration of time do you finally accept that you are living in a dead bedroom? Is it 1 month, 6months, 1year, 1 decade what’s your timeframe before you say ok this it.

After 12 years of trying to find common ground in the bedroom I think I’ve hit my limit. I’ve been dealing with the rejection pretty well for the most part but this last time it came with a facial expression that broke me a little bit. When “wanna cuddle up and mess around?” Is met with a clear, concise “no” followed by a wrinkling nose, that’s it. I’m not gonna keep putting myself out there for someone who wrinkles their nose at the thought of physical intimacy with me. The bi-monthly pity sex just isn’t worth the self-esteem hit
The worst part is, I don’t even think the facial expression was conscious but it made me think there’s been a conscious effort to NOT make facial expressions when answering before.
My partner is still my best friend and I don’t want to end the relationship, but I’m certainly done with the physical side of it. I’d rather leave the genie in the bottle than take it out only enough to realize what I’m missing out on.

I just want to be wanted by my partner as much as I want them…

She thinks the characters in her book are hot. She thinks a few guys around town are hot. Everyone is cheering her on.

I'm not saying she isn't allowed to think anyone else is hot, that's unrealistic. I just think she forgot someone on her list... Maybe I was never meant to be on it.

When I was younger I lost 80lbs in a year. 15 years later I've lost 55 lbs in a year. Last time I got too skinny. This time I want a dream physique. Abs, long hair, tattoos, all of it. I'm going to be hot to somebody someday soon, whether its her or not.

Long time lurker but ill keep this brief.

Ive (HLM) been in a relationship with my wife (LLF) for the past 2 years we have 2 kiddos with a 3rd on the way. We actively see a couples therapist for a few months now with it helping sparaticly. The main reason for the post is my wife had attended a session with our therapist on her own around 2 weeks ago as I was unable to attend due to work. Ig during this she had mentioned to him that she was annoyed with the frequency that I make sexual comments with him suggesting she keep track of the amount. She told me the other day after oir session that I have mentioned something sexual 86 times. That averages to 6 a day. And you know what it pissed me off. I thought about it for a second and realized I mention sex more frequently when I am in a good mood. And tbh the only thought that crossed my mind was dont worry itll be 0 now. Only bright side my brain could come up with was atleast I have a joke to lead with.

Thanks for listening

I’m 28F, and my boyfriend is 31M. We’ve been together for 3 years, and he has pretty much no sex drive anymore. It’s been 7 months since we’ve had sex, and I really miss that kind of intimacy and connection with him.
When we first got together, we had a very active sex life, but over time it gradually dwindled to the point where we don’t have sex at all. He says he never really feels the urge anymore. We suspect there could be a hormonal or medical reason behind it, and he’s trying to get an appointment with a specialist to figure out what’s going on.
I know he loves me, and he still shows me affection in other ways, so I don’t think this is necessarily a reflection of how he feels about me. I’m trying not to take it personally, especially because I know he isn’t choosing to feel this way. But being rejected repeatedly has really started to affect my self-esteem and mental health. I miss feeling wanted by him, and I miss the physical closeness we used to share.
I don’t want him to feel pressured into having sex, and I don’t blame him for something he may not have control over. At the same time, I’m struggling with how to cope with my own needs while we try to figure out what’s going on.
I don’t really have anyone in my personal life I feel comfortable talking to about this. The few people I’ve opened up to either assume he’s cheating or tell me they wish their boyfriend didn’t want sex so much. Neither response is helpful, and I end up feeling even more alone.
Has anyone else been through something similar? How did you cope with the lack of intimacy, and were you able to get that spark back? What can we do in the meantime to feel connected again while we work through this? I love him, and I want us to get through this together, but I’m finding it harder than I expected.

gf (21f) and i (22f) are even more long distance now (6 hr drive distance) and im at her place for a week, im actually abt to go home soon in a couple days, and the most we’ve done since i got here is her eating me out but it felt like it was a chore for her again, felt rushed, less than 5 min in the shower. i haven’t been able to do anything to her (i asked if i could eat her from the back but not to force herself if she didn’t want to ofc, she said yes but after it she didn’t talk to me and just went to the room). we haven’t even made out this whole time ive been here. we’ve had drinks and smoked tgt and nothing happened. i’ve always been initiating the kisses and she doesn’t even purse her lips now i’m noticing. i’m seriously at my limit. also i’m not looking for “just leave you guys are still young” comments bc believe me i know, but i really like her and we’ve been together for a while i just want things to get better as this is the only thing causing us issues in our relationship.

I'm 36m she's 37f

I'm at my wits end with this. I've been with my gf for a few years, living together for about 2 now. At first it was sex multiple times a day when we saw each other, then we moved in and it was at least weekly but more like every other day. About a year ago she started staying up late at night and not wanting to come to bed, and our sex decreased to once a month or less. It's been maybe 9 times this year.

The thing that bothers me, we are/were really affectionate. I would kiss her any time I walked by, lots of groping (on both sides), lots of flirting. I slowly stopped doing that after being rejected a lot but she still does.

She will shake her ass at me and be offended if I don't grab it, and then will suggest sex (but always later!). Later arrives, she decides she wants to stay up late, never comes to bed etc.

Or she'll directly tell me she wants to have sex when we lay down, then a few hours later she suddenly doesn't feel good, or we lay down and she falls asleep instantly.

Honestly I've been fine enough with the lower frequency of sex but the fact that she's literally flirting with me and suggesting we have sex then not doing it 95% of the time is really frustrating. It feels like I'm being fucking taunted lmao. If I don't participate in the flirting and grabbing I don't love her, if I ask for sex (later on the day when we planned to) she's tired and feels pressured idk man.

Just venting

My partner and I are long distance, but I feel like that’s been used as an excuse. Even from afar, I try to flirt, sext, etc. only to be shot down each time. He knows I’m a sexual person. He knows how hard it is to wait for him. He knows going months without touch feels like torture to me. And yet I feel so completely alone, stranded without him so much as telling me he’s attracted to me anymore.

He never even asks for pics or videos. I’ve tried sending them, only to get unenthusiastic responses so I just gave up. I am very detailed and imaginative in my sexts to him, telling him how bad I want him. He can’t even reply back with 1/10th of the enthusiasm.

I know he’s stressed. He’s going through a lot. But I’m questioning whether to stay or go. I adore everything else about him, truly. This is the one area I feel we are not matched. I miss being desired. Even if we can’t physically be together, why can’t he tell me all the ways he wants me?? Maybe because he just doesn’t. And that makes me feel ugly and worthless.

When other people hit on me or compliment me, it gives a small boost in the moment but ultimately means nothing. I just want to feel that from my man. Sometimes I wonder if I’d be happier if we weren’t together, but idk. I know I’d miss him terribly. He’s a wonderful man. & I have dark thoughts of posting nudes on other subreddits to get attention and validation but that would be cheating in his view so I don’t. I’m tired of feeling so alone.

I am 29M, wife is 30F we are pretty much in the thick of kids but in that tail end side where we can make things happen if we wanted it to happen. I’m really just at the point where I don’t care anymore for the longest time the rejection got the better of me but now I am just focused on ensuring my kids are happy and taken care of and trying to figure out what I want to do with my extra free time lol planning a new workout routine and might as well start loving myself again which hasn’t been a thing for a long long time. I think for me the same routine or duty sex really is what killed it for me, for the longest time I would be like oh wow this is happening thank the lord, and now when it happens once every blue moon I almost dread the same routine which really sucks as the fun of that one time is ruined now. No idea where this will lead and don’t know where I’ll end up one day but I’m thinking maybe it’s time for a change, unsure when I’ll finally cross that road but I can’t dwell much more than I have. Guess really this is good just to get my feelings out there and maybe some people can relate to my situation as well, if you read this far I appreciate you and wish you the best. Also for those that normally jump to conclusions I do the chores, I cook the meals, and I care for my kids constantly, and I’m the bread winner so it’s rather tough to really pin point where this went wrong other than just placing the blame on me for being a man who married someone who stopped caring the day after our marriage about physical intimacy which is how it seems from my end. Thanks for coming to my ted talk

Hey!

As a HLM I wish I'd get at least a little more understanding. I'm pushed to a point where I feel bad to even admit my needs and desires.

"You only want sex", "you're a sexoholic", "you need a pornstar", "you can't be satisfied". That's what I heard in the course of a couple of years from my boyfriend. Apparently sex, and wanting it, is something really bad. Where as for me there is so much more in me. I seek closeness, I want to bond, I want to be intimate (yes, mentally too), I want to cuddle, I want to hold hands, I want deep conversation, I seek vulnerability, I want to be desired and to desire, I'm a 200% romantic guy. And I'm just being brought down to a sex machine.

Social Media brings me to different places and too often I see similar comments where it's so easy to judge us for just wanting sex, like we are not capable of anything more. "Take care of your partner and the sex will appear". No it won't. And relationships are a two way road. Maybe try to make me feel good first, so I have the energy to take care of you too. And not that I have to do a 24/7 performance just to get some breadcrumbs (if any).

I wish I'd be stronger and had the balls to quit it. Because I feel like not entitled to do it, and sex as a reason will rather way make me look as the bad guy.

Damn, I really struggle and life becomes tricky to handle.

First of all I apologize for any mistakes or if I am not clear, but English is not my first language. My partner (30 F) and I (30 HLM) have been together for a while. Our sex life has been infrequent and inconsistent for a long time, but it worked. We didn't live together, often because of work. We had busy schedules, so it was okay. Now we've bought a house and have been living together for 6 months. Sex has almost completely disappeared except when she's ovulating (even then, once at most, sometimes even non-penetrative, where I perform oral or toys on her). She doesn't let me help around the house, or cook or clean... We often hug, we cuddle, but the intimacy I receive is limited to occasional touches in the evening on the sofa, often using her feet, but without achieving anything... I know it's much more than what many people get here... But I can't make it enough.

Honestly. This subreddit is the best support network. I read these posts. I see the responses from others and i dont feel alone. Thank you

Zero sex for over 2 years; no touching for probably just as long. My fantasy is simple: to bury my face on a man’s chest, feeling and heat of, and smelling the scent of another body. His hand on my head or shoulder would be a bonus.

I'm just so tired of sex being work. I feel terrible for this, but I keep comparing how things were with my ex.

We really didn't need to talk about sex all that often. Obviously, there was communication, we talked about what we liked and didn't like, things we were curious about and wanted to try, we informed the other if something was uncomfortable and gave positive feedback on the things that felt good. But we didn't have to have the same conversation 50 times, I didn't have to tell her over and over again when something was uncomfortable and to do something else, I didn't have to remind her what I liked and which parts felt the best when she touched them. She knew, and we talked about sex so much less but did it so much more.

I miss sex just being part of my life. It was something nice that I looked forward to every day. I loved spending weekends rolling around in bed until we were both exhausted. I miss when it didn't feel like a negotiation, when it didn't need endless talks after talks after talks.

I don't regret breaking up with my ex, and it's possible if we were together longer that we'd be in a dead bedroom now, anyway. Things used to be easier with my husband, too, though we always needed a lot more verbal communication than I did with my ex. I just assumed it was because he was a man and all relationships with straight people must be like that. I figured it was obvious why it was harder to intuit what the other wanted, we have completely different anatomies. And things were still very good, he couldn't keep his hands off me when we were alone and we had sex all the time.

My husband has so many positive traits. But for years I've focused almost entirely on his pleasure and his wants because I just want him to desire me again. I want him to want sex with me as much as I want sex with him. He says he does, but he never wants to actually do it, even though he masturbates all the time.

I'm just so bummed tonight. For years, he told me that if I cured my vaginismus that we'd be having way more sex. And when we finally achieved pain-free PIV early this year, I was so happy! I thought we'd be going at it like rabbits. But nothing has changed, and he'd still rather play video games most of the time than have sex. I wish every day that that night never happened, that I never experienced what that felt like, because I want it so much more now that it hurts.

Sometimes I wonder how I even got to this point. I know the answer, I can trace it pretty clearly, but it still seems bizarre and almost dream-like to think about. Like, I'm in this state where I think it's going to be better any day now and things will go back to how they used to be, and my husband keeps promising they will, but they haven't. I daydream about him being crazy about me, about wanting to woo and impress me again like I do him.

It’s been three years of DB and a few on and off before that. Three years since we started trying to address it. Three therapists. About six months ago, one therapist ago, I really started to accept that this is just how it is. There is nothing I can do, according to our therapists, except be open and kind.

To protect my peace and not put any pressure on him, I (42 HLF) have largely succeeded at not wanting my husband (35 LLM) anymore. I am much more at peace than I have been.

I do what I want, when I want. What that looks like less and less is being with him. The unfortunate side effect is that I may be falling out of love with my husband. I don’t really want to kiss him anymore, or snuggle. I feel a bit suffocated sleeping together. I am even less interested in our dates and the things we like to do together. It all feels pretty gray where it used to full of color, I don’t know quite how to explain it.

He has noticed and said he wants to feel a connection in order to have any sex. I get that. And I feel the lack of connection. In shutting down our sexual relationship, I have inadvertently shut down the love too. I mean i still love him, but I don’t feel in love with him.

Post got deleted when I posted from my anon account so I’m trying again.

It’s lengthy but TLDR: struggling with sex life in my 10 year relationship. Girlfriend gropes and sexualizes me but doesn’t want to have sex. She refuses couples therapy, so what do I do?

Quick background and overview of the problem:

I’m struggling with the lack of sex and desire in my (34F) relationship with my (34F) girlfriend. We
have been together 10ish years. She is bisexual (this will be relevant later in the post).

Our situation is different than the ones I usually see posted on Reddit because we don’t have
kids to take up our time, we have a great time together, non-sexual intimacy is there for the most part and she gropes me and sexualizes me 24/7. We spend our evenings and weekends snuggling on the couch watching TV and movies together. I can’t walk past her without her slapping my ass and when she sees me naked she wants to kiss my tits and grab my ass and says how nice my body looks. But the actual sex aspect is such a hassle to make happen on her end. How touchy she is, how she talks about me and my body and how sexually open I am, none of our friends would ever guess this is the biggest issue in our relationship. It literally feels like we are doing everything but actually fucking.

How we got here:

We met in 2016, I left for a job in 2017 so we were long distance (90 min drive), and during that year she cheated on me, eventually told me but I saw signs earlier but I would believe her when she told me no. After telling me about the other woman, she wanted to pursue that over me. I was really fucked up after that. We were co-parenting a dog so we would communicate and see each other periodically to share him. Late in 2018 she said she wanted to give our relationship another try. I was just getting to the point where I felt I was getting over it but not enough to not be happy that she wanted me back. Idk why but still wanted her. We agreed to give it a go. (terrible decision). I was so angry and hurt from it that I didn’t treat her well, I was mean to her. However, she refused to unfollow the girl and would still text back if the girl reached out. I was still hurt and I shouldn’t have agreed to jump back into this situation. We remained long distance until mid 2019 when she moved in with me. Sex didn’t really struggle at this point but in 2020 things started to taper. She was in a doctoral program at that time and she said when she was highly stressed sex was not something she was interested in. After she graduated and got her job I thought things would get back on track but it didn’t. So now I’ve been dealing with this for going on 7 years.

When I try to have conversations about it:

She brings up how I treated her when we got back together after her cheating, she’s brought up episodes of me binge drinking, flirty messages she’s found in my DM’s, she brings up my IG stories, and moments where she’s felt like I haven’t been open for sex when she supposedly was. So she pretty much blames me for why she doesn’t want to have sex while also saying she isn’t bothered by our lack of sex. Her cheating happened 9 years ago and I agree I was a bitch following that because I was hurt. But unfortunately all of that stuff is a part of our relationship history and like I had to get over her cheating she has to process how I treated her back then. The binge drinking is under control now, but I understand how that was a problem but I haven’t had an episode like that in about a year and a half so why is that still being used against me? I took responsibility for the messages in my DM’s and I haven’t done that since and she’s went through my IG and found nothing since then so clearly I’m not still doing that. She also makes comments about what I post on my IG story but it’s physique pics/videos and training videos because I’m an athlete and I’m in the fitness space so it’s normal not sexual. Also to be that protective over my body but then when you have all access to it, to intentionally reject me is
confusing. All of the sexual touching, innuendos and groping does turn me on so I had gotten to a point where I was kind of pushing her away or deflecting this stuff so that came up a few times in conversations and I did agree that wasn’t helping getting her in the mood so now I’m trying to allow her to touch me however and whenever she wants. For instance she’ll be laying on my chest playing around with my tits (kissing them, grabbing them whatever) but if I’m like “they would love it if you would suck them” she’ll be like “noooo I don’t want to do sex stuff”). Like what the fuck. Lastly, she doesn’t like that I don’t give her words of affirmation. I have recently tried to be better about this I’ll text her every morning “good morning beautiful/gorgeous/pretty lady
etc.” and try to compliment her outfits and hair. So I’m fucking trying but words of affirmation has always been a struggle for me outside of sex.

This whole situation isvery annoying and often just puts me in a bad mood and sometimes we’ll argue about it because I’ll have days where I’m just so frustrated that I don’t want to be around her. Then she says I’m being moody and throwing a fit over sex. And then of course it doesn’t happen. She feels like I want sex everyday and that’s not accurate but I do want a normal sex life. Not weeks or months without it. She doesn’t really seem to care now like she used to. So now
because of all the conversations (I’m the only one who brings it up) which sometimes have turned into arguments I feel there’s a lot of pressure around sex so at this point I’m sure I’m making it worse with continuing to try to have conversations about it. 

Common potential causes:

I have asked her to see if her hormone levels are okay (she does have PMOS) and I know that has a lot of side effects but she refuses to talk with the Drs about how this could be affecting her sexual desire/response. She also has an IUD because of heavy periods, and now has no periods, but is not on any medications for anything else. She says her job is stressful but when she comes home she can completely disconnect and relax. I do majority of the cleaning and household duties, cooking her lunches and dinner when I can. (I also work full time but I have a more variable schedule than her and when I have weeks where I can be at home more I do a lot for her so that she can relax at home). When she comes home she watches TV, plays her favorite video game, or scrolls on TikTok endlessly. So it’s not a matter of her having a high workload at home or not being in a space where she can relax and ease into the mood.

We usually go on 2-3 vacations/year and even on vacation it’s still a struggle for sex to happen.

Spiraling thoughts:

Is she maybe not into female/female sex because she’s bisexual and female/female sex takes more work?
It used to take me awhile to cum and she would often comment on how long it was taking (which didn’t help) so I’m like maybe she’s tired of the work it takes to have lesbian sex. Even though now it happens faster and easier I still like foreplay, kissing, using dildo’s etc. and she doesn’t really care for any of that. I give her head when we have sex and she has multiple orgasms so I'm usually down there about 45 minutes non-stop

Am I just dumb for jumping back into this situation after she cheated?

I don’t know what to do because she doesn’t really care to try to work on anything with me.

When I bring up couples therapy she refuses and we got into an argument because I did 2, 15 min free consults without her. I have never done couples therapy either so I just wanted to explain our situation and hear how they would handle treating us is all but she felt like I was going behind her back after she said no.

I can’t imagine feeling like this the rest of my life. I’m young, attractive, and have a normal sexual desire and I want someone who wants me.

Our last conversation I told her that I didn’t see a future with her with our current sex life. That was when I was saying couples therapy was my last resort because I don’t know how else to fix this. After the argument about me reaching out to some therapists I never followed up because she was mad at me so I’m just stuck.

Other things to mention:

-she doesn’t care if I watch porn/self-pleasure, but it only helps so much, I usually only do this
2x/month privately. I have tried to do it in front of her but it doesn’t really seem to interest her and makes me feel weird because I think in a normal relationship that would be a huge turn on

-she makes sexual comments about actors/celebrities male and female and talks about how “hot” sex scenes in TV shows and movies are when we’re watching them together

-I used to send her nudes and say sexual things I wanted to do after work but I’ve done away with that because she’ll heart the message and respond back with something complimentary but it doesn’t go anywhere when we see each other nor is that effort reciprocated.

Besides sex (obvs..😅) what does your partner bring to the relationship?

We used to have an amazing relationship. We made love multiple times a day, I 37hlf used to be thin, and we used to laugh. But somewhere after he 36llm fell into alcoholism, left me feeling alone and begging for scraps of attention, and years of less than the bare minimum affection, I’ve finally emotionally burned out. I’ve thought time and time again how I was done fighting for the bare minimum but I think this October, I’ve finally reached that place. The 15th marks 3 years out deadbedroom has plagued me. And I’m finally the burned out pursuer. He wanted a kiss and for the first time since we’ve been together, I didn’t want to kiss him. I thought to myself “why kiss him”… i used to want to make something beautiful, but now, when I look around, I really see nothing that is beautiful. I finally reached a place where I don’t want to kiss him and I am at peace with that. I can sleep near him again. I dont have to run away to protect my broken heart anymore. I think it’s healed. And it healed without him. I’m glad he got testosterone treatment tho, I hope it makes his life better. Idk what that means for “us”. Who knows if I’ll ever be interested in him that way again. We are getting therapy, starting next week, but I dunno, I’m just burned out and for the first time, I don’t care at all if we ever make love again.