Well it finally happened - my meta went off the rails and messaged me inappropriate shit. They've been having relationship problems with my hinge and I've been distancing myself more and more into parallel (fairly easy since it's an LDR).

My "happy" tag is because of this subreddit I knew EXACTLY how to handle it. I sent them a direct reply that just said "I'm sorry you're feeling angry right now. But this is a wildly inappropriate way to respond." They immediately backtracked.

Then I told my partner I will not be interacting with this meta again and full parallel is required. I informed them that this courtesy of non-reactivity was offered ONCE and would not be repeated should I be messaged again.

I've learned so much by the questions and responses here. This is my first poly relationship and I enjoy a great deal about it. It seems like these emotional outbursts are just a part of the process sometimes. But if you're a regular poster or commenter feeling like you're shouting into the dark and the same drama is happening everywhere, there is real learning possible.

Thanks to all the advice I've read here all I could think when I got that message was "THIS IS A HINGE PROBLEM" and shunt it off to the appropriate authorities 😂

Tl;dr: my partner married my meta. I’m feeling insecure.

I’m currently sitting in a hotel room by myself writing this. I have a lot of emotions. I’ll start by saying I love my partner and I love my meta. The life they’ve built is incredible and I’m lucky to be a part of it.

What is eating me alive today is this small voice in the back of my head saying that I’m nothing and no one now that they’re legally married. The officiant was switched at the last minute and the ceremony was a generic you guys are choosing each other and no one else ceremony. I couldn’t help but feel a type of way about that happening and my meta seems to not care. I get that it’s their day and it was an amazing day, but it left me feeling insecure and a bit silly.

The polycule and friends had plans tonight to go out that I bowed out of. I didn’t want to bring any of these feelings in close range of others, and I want my partner and meta to have a great time.

I don’t know how to express my feelings in a way both constructive and supportive. I’m not jealous of them getting married. I just want to be acknowledged by partner and reassured that my place in the life the three of us as a kitchen table, cohabitating unit is going to be the same. Is that naive to hope for?

Previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1tnrlxc/are_my_expectations_out_of_whack/

So, after I made my original post five months ago, I sent it to him and he was very upset, saying I misrepresented what happened and complaining that he'd been "dogpiled." (He said that he hadn't called Stephanie once he found out he had a free afternoon, she had called him.) He said he wasn't upset that I'd made the post since I don't have other poly people to talk to irl, but *showing* him the post and comments triggered some trauma from a past relationship, where his ex-wife spread a bunch of lies about him online. I apologized, and I thought we were ok.

One thing he insisted repeatedly while defending himself was that he wasn't dating Stephanie and didn't want to date her.

Fast forward a few months and he's dating her.

I tried to be cool with it, I really did. I had no issue with his OTHER partner, so I don't think it's that I'm just unsuited for poly relationships. But I couldn't get over it.

I tried to talk to him about it in person but couldn't get the right words out, so I sent him an email saying in part, "I think the reason I keep feeling jealous about [Stephanie] is that you honestly kind of gaslighted me about the beginning of your relationship with her, and I keep feeling those feelings because you won't acknowledge that they come from someplace real. When you started seeing her, you kept telling me that you were not dating her and did not want to date her. You used that to steamroll over my concerns that you were prioritizing her over me. Now, of course, you're dating her, and you've never acknowledged that my concerns were real. I can't get over it because you've never acknowledged that there was something to get over in the first place."

He responded saying that my sending him the original Reddit post "destroyed [his] ability to trust that you and I could have healthy communication" (again, that was FIVE MONTHS AGO! Our whole relationship only lasted eight months!), "and now I'm being outright accused of lying and gaslighting. At this point, any trust between us has been shattered and I really don't know how we can come back from this."

So we're broken up.

Am I somehow in the wrong here?? Because I feel very stupid and very sad. But I also kind of feel like the hen who cried "The sky is falling!" Because it did.

**Recap:** I posted on here a bit ago about a situation between my tattoo artist girlfriend and my at the time boyfriend. He'd spent a whole tattoo session pestering her and really pushing her boundaries, poking her and acting like a jackass boundary pusher and a child. Hawthorn and I also had a far too loosely negotiated (non- sexual) cnc dynamic that people were very disturbed by. The comment section on that post blew up and it really took me by surprise. No one in my real life, not even my girlfriend or her friends we talked to about the situation were looking at the situation as an abuse red flag. Just frustrating and not a good sign.

**Update:**After the post we broke up. I also had a very long conversation with him about consent practices where he acted genuinely apologetic and agreed that he wasn't being respectful. I told him that acting that way in the wrong context could really hurt someone and he said he understood and felt terrible and would do better.

I guess I'm a dumbass because his apologies felt genuine. He wanted to stay friends. We also talked about masculinity growing up. I have very different perspectives because I am a feminine queer man with a disability that requires a wheelchair so I can't fit a lot of masculine ideals anyways, and had more female friends since childhood. He acted like he was seeing value in unpacking culture he was raised with, including being around guys that constantly do obnoxious shit as a joke. He acted like he understood there's underlying rape culture in play that violates boundaries.

A few weeks passed and this past weekend I thought we could hang out as friends again. Indigo was on a business trip so she wouldn't have to see him. We were friends with benefits first but I made it clear when we became an item that I don't fuck exes. I do have a few friends who I've dated that I had no trouble de-escalating to friendship... I reiterated my boundaries to him when he was over. He only listened at first. He sexually assaulted me. It bites. Reddit was right he was a much bigger red flag than I had an easy time granting. I really tried to take in feedback, handle the situation well, and set boundaries. I feel very ashamed of myself. I hope to be a better judge of character in the future. I thought I'd already improved a lot. He was more pathetic, childish, apologetic and performative in a way that brought my guard down when he would push boundaries.

Tldr: 25 years into polyamory and a 7 year anniversary caused me to reflect and see that I'm fucking thriving!

I (39nb) celebrated 7 years since my first date with one of my partners this week. It gave me a moment for some happy reflection that I wanted to share as someone who's been doing polyamory over 25 years now.

Shifts in my polycule are glacial. I live with my partner of 11 years, my partner of 7 years and a platonic housemate of 8 years. My “new” relationship is with a boyfriend of 2.5 years. It's not a closed system, there's room for casual encounters and new partners, but we're just really stable.

There's literally no jealousy or drama at home with my wives. The three of us go to bed together in our big 10 foot bed like fucking woodland storybook characters.

I can go out on a date and come home to my partners laughing their asses off at Dropout together or I can fist-bump one of them after getting drinks with a new hook-up pal. It's fabulous how we hype each other.

The only presence of “drama” is with my boyfriend and it is all textbook first-time-polyam problems as he has never done polya before being with me. He and I have navigated bumps with compassion and curiosity.

My boyfriend and his wife have been really growing into their capacities in this new relationship style. It's been a delight to discover polyamory anew through their eyes. I have found assisting their learning rewarding rather than upsetting.

I am active in my local polyamory scene. I have a heap of friends, peers, and community members. There's always someone around to talk relationship philosophy or attachment theory with. My polyamory doesn't happen in a void.

The kids are alright. We have 16, 13, and 9 year old kids in the house. They're well adjusted and thriving. The schools don't give a shit that 3 adults come to parent conferences. The kids themselves see nothing strange about having a MLB team size roster of adults who love them.

Life is just normal, happy, and relatively balanced. There's high days and low days like with any life, but the polyamory has yet to be at the root of any of the issues. At some point polyamory just became one tile in the mosaic of my life.

I love reading all the sharing that goes on here. I love the learning and unpacking people do, the connecting and loving. I just want to reassure you all that eventually it stops feeling like work and just feels like l living!

Hello gang,

I currently have a 4 year old and during bedtime stories I've been thinking a lot about the kinds of messages stories instill from an early age. I can tell that my little one is also noticing a lot of things and asking interesting questions (for example in one story it's a mom+dad+kids living together, in another story it's 3 friends living together).

I am also going through a divorce so questions about family, love, cohabitation, etc is something that comes up a lot.

I wanted to ask if anyone here has found any particularly good children's books that contain more progressive views on family, relationships, life, and so on? I'm not looking for something that directly addresses polyamory necessarily, but just things that contain the kind of deconstructed messages that might help a kid build a more solid and modern understanding of the world we live in.

In short, the kinds of books where the Princess sees Prince Charming on the weekends but decides to live with the 3 bears because they make really good roommates :D

Any recommendations would be welcome

So I (36F) recently started dating a poly married man (39M) & so far things have been pretty great. I've been poly on and off throughout the years (I can take it or leave it, really depending on where I'm at in my life & the partner.) anyway, we were talking a while back and I haven't gotten this thought out of my head.

He said he's still looking for his soulmate & he believes in that kinda thing. I said, "what even is a soulmate if you're married & poly? Isn't that an oxymoron or something?" And he admitted it is a bit. He also admitted that he probably shouldn't have gotten married after his wife said he wasn't her soulmate. But according to him, they're best friends & it seems like they coparent pretty well together, there just hasn't been romantic intimacy in years.

I've been lurking here for a while so I will add that no, he doesn't bitch & complain about her to me, that's really the extent of his talking about her to me.

Anyhoo, does anyone here believe in soulmates? I'm not even sure if I do but I think if one existed, mine died about 4 years ago (so I guess maybe he wasn't lol..)

Ttfn

The Flair isnt quite accurate, but is relevent.

I've (35m) been married (37f) for 7 years, together for 10 years. Around 6 years ago we decided to be poly, after a year of discussion we went for it.

Our basic rules:

-Nobody comes to our home until they are vetted

-No random hookups with strangers, date first

-Don't date eachothers friends

Relevent personality notes: Im the crying type, and she's the arguing type

She had little difficulty finding other partners, I struggled for some time, eventually I connected with someone but it blew up in my face because (in my wife's words) I moved too quickly and I didnt make my intentions known to my wife soon enough. (She found condoms I bought as a precaution, I hadn't even kissed this woman yet, it was clearly going that direction and I was holding back from intimacy out caution of our new rules/my first encounter)

So began a cycle of me moving too quickly. An example:

-Going with on a hike with someone as a friend, but by the end of the hike, it was clear there was more there and the moment felt right so we kissed and expressed mutual interest (but because my wife didnt know I had an interest before I left, I was in the wrong)

This seemed to always be the case, I felt I always had to pre-meditiate on the possibility and make my intentions known before I even knew if I had feelings for someone, and In the moment I would have to either shut down an advance at an important moment or fear backlash at home when I brought it up.

It started a cycle of me under communicating out of fear of an argument with her, I felt that no matter the move I made, I wouldnt be met with compassion or understanding. I felt stuck, unable to pursue my feelings. Every time I was "too late" and ended up hurting her (I feel terrible collectively with the 3-4 people I've tried to pursue over this time)

Meanwhile, she met someone about 2 years after opening up to poly, established a now longstanding relationship, and closed herself off to other poly encounters with no interest in seeing others.

Fast forward, our relationship has continued to degrade and she has moved out, leaving both her and I living alone for essentially the first time in our lives. (of course there are other factors to our relationship issues , but ill keep this poly centered)

We have agreed not to divorce at this time and work on "us" while living seperately and seeing individual therapists.

During this move out/separation and honnestly one of the hardest years we have ever had together (not just failing marriage), ive met a fantastic woman, someone I could see myself with for quite some time and its going pretty well. Ive even made steps to break my cycle of under-communicating (thanks therapy) and told my wife sooner and with more detail than ever before. But because of the nature of our relationship struggles and timing of everything, I again do not feel free to pursue my heart, and my wife is extremely upset that I would even consider it.

Its left me stuck with what feels like 2 choices: abandon what could actually be the first real relationship opportunity ive had in all these years and what my heart and body is screaming for, or abandoning my marriage alltogether, giving up the security and life we tried to build and hurting my wife even more.

My brain hurts and im so mentally/emotionally exhausted.

Looking for advice, feedback, whatever you've got, positive or negative.

Tl;dr - I met someone while going through a semi-seperation/moveout and extremely difficult year, and I basically have to choose between trying to save my marriage, and my first real opportunity to pursue my heart as a poly person.

Sorry for the vague title, I don’t know how to put it. I recently sort of shut down when a long term partner was asking, yet again, about a particular sex act (anal, may as well just clear that up) that I don’t feel comfortable doing with them. For the record he’s 40 or so, I’m 50.

I’ve had a few experiences where partners seem to act as though the issue is that I am in a primary relationship, and that my primary nesting partner either a) gets to do things with me sexually others can’t or b) maybe has rules about what I can’t do with others.

Neither of which is true. And I have stated that. The issue is always my comfort level with other relationships and my own body.

I’m getting very disappointed that I had a couple of relationships lately that were very long term and they seemed to come to a crossroads. At the same time I did not feel as if those male partners were willing to offer me anything extra either.

I know there’s no need for an announcement but I think I’m headed to saturation at one poly for awhile, my primary and I get along well and in that way that sometimes happens that I am fortunate for, he’s one of those partners where someone would have to be exceptional to hold a candle to him in terms of effort and respect.

It’s just been a lot lately where partners with several years invested are showing their true colours. I have considered if it’s something I’m doing but I think the thing is they have, from my perspective, a lack of investment that I’d like to see but are full of demands.

My ex and I broke up a month ago after a turbulent relationship with frequent arguments and communication issues. I had been holding on to frustrations I failed to communicate properly, and when she found out, she felt I hadn’t been honest with her and decided to end things.

We share the same group of friends, and she says she still cares about me and doesn’t want to lose me from her life. Since the breakup, we’ve had sex one time on a groupal, and kissed a few times, showing affection. She also invited me over to help with her move.

However, we barely text or talk when we see each other. Things feel tense and awkward, and I don’t know how to interpret her behavior. When I expressed my insecurities, on feeling she really does not want me there, she told me she didn't know how to deal with my insecurities or treat me when I manage myself around them. And that is what makes it feel unconformtable.

The breakup was one sided, so i know I still want to be with her, but we've talked about it and it's a no-reverse situation and we're not coming back... soon at least, and not being the persons we are today.

I’m torn between thinking if I want to maintain our friendship, including the physical intimacy (Wich I enjoy, great sex) , and taking some distance to protect myself emotionally. Since we share friends, going absolutely no-contact would be difficult (And I'm not even sure to want that). But I'm feeling reaaally bad about it. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Can you genuinely be friends with an ex when you still want them back, especially when sex and affection are involved? Or is taking a step back the healthiest option? Is really wanting coming back, that bad?

So I'm (f28) heavily planning on moving to my partner's country and living with him(m29) and his parents while getting settled before we get a place together. I'm nervous about discussing it with his other partners because I'm worried about it influencing my decision. While I understand them having and deserving an opinion on me living with him my moving there isn't all about him it is also an opportunity for me to get out of a place I no longer feel happy in and have an opportunity to pursue potentially going back to school. My partner is just the reason I'm picking the country he's from and because it means I have someone there for me. Any advice or opinions on how to broach the subject would be appreciated.

Need to let this out here, because I don’t feel nice making a point out of this to people in my circles, but it’s been on my heart.

I’ve loved a man since we were teenagers, which has been way over a decade now. So many times we talked about being together, but we never went through with it because of the life path we both chose. He stayed in the small town, I left.

A big part of those years we were in a ‘will they won’t they’ cycle and lots of friends and family (including us at times) thought it would be ‘endgame’. The last time I saw him and we had a conversation was 3 years ago, in which we both said I love you and that we want happiness and love for each other with the partners we have.

He’s in a mono relationship, but has expressed that he would’ve liked to have a different dynamic if it werent for his gf. We decided against anything unethical of course, we just had open and honest conversations about it. Her and I know each other and there’s always been tension because of our shared interest in him.

Anyway they’re having a baby soon and ever since I heard the news I’ve been thinking about him a lot.
By chance, I ended up running into him a few days ago and the we got to have a nice moment together to just have a talk between us about how we’re doing.

It was so nice to see him again and express my care by listening to him talk about what he’s been up to, his hobbies and the books he’s been reading, but it was also a confirmation after all this time that we’ll never be anything else again.

I’ve been feeling some hurt since then, a grieving in a sense? I love him so deeply and wish we could be around each other more. I like the person I can be around him. He’s seen me at my worst and cares about me still, in a way my partner also does and that is so important to me. Even as a friend would be fine, but we live far from each other and we were never texting kind of people.

It is what it is. Support or advice is welcome. Not really sure how to process this yet.

A partner who I've been with for four months is expressing that they are struggling with polyamory. They have thoughts about it "only being the two of us" and they feel guilty for having those thoughts. We dated a bit back in highschool and they insist that I'm the only person they have ever (or could ever) love. For context I also have a NP of 15 years.

In the beginning they said they were open to it, I'm only learning this as things progress. Now they want to keep going and don't want me to break it off "for their sake". Sometimes I feel like ending the relationship might be the kindest thing to do. We've already worked through some heavy things and come out stronger. I don't want to make that decision for them if this is something they genuinely want to explore.

I worry that if they can't find a personal reason to be in a poly relationship, beyond just wanting to be with me, it won't be a healthy situation.

Are there resources I can send them to help with their situation? Even personal stories or questions for deeper self-reflection would all be appreciated. Thank you!

Ive been poly for about 6 years but only in a healthy relationship the last 3 years. Our communication is top notch when something comes up, but I’m curious where the lines are drawn at what is able to be shared about metas. I know it varies from people to people by my partner and I both very open. I am a safe space for them and want to continue to be, but I have placed boundaries around venting about meta so there’s no resentment or hostility there. It’s never been a problem, but I have been worried that it was starting to be before discussing and placing boundaries.

I don’t have many good experiences with poly before this relationship and really want to do this in a healthy and ethical way, so.. I guess what’s okay to be shared and am I doing the right thing by having my partner pause before they maybe vent about something they should share with a friend or a therapist? They have responded so well when I’ve brought it up, but I dont want to unintentionally push my partner away in case I’m not managing this correctly?
I’m autistic so navigating personal relationships has come with lots of practice. My therapist said it was a super emotionally aware thing to do and I’m trying to hang onto that and not fall into my people pleasing tendencies.

Sorry for the raaaantt.

TL;DR - I’m dating two women, both of which have expressed wanting to be my gf, but one relationship is naturally progressing faster than the other and I want to be kind/supportive of communicating when things escalate

I (39 NB) am dating two women after taking time not dating anyone aside from my long term 16 yr partner. I adore and love them both.

Sweetie A is lives 2 hrs away and we have such a sweet thing going on. I sincerely love her and NRE is intense. She is naturally very busy with a full and robust social life, and an office job that doesn’t allow her to text during work at all. Our comm, though amazing, is limited. I make myself available to talk to catch up and stay connected, but so far our natural pacing of talking is not as often/regular, and that’s fine, it works for us. We both express happiness at check ins with how things are going, but made a comment once that it would be nice to be her bf at some point. At that moment I wasn’t ready and expressed that. She was and is understanding. When we’re together it’s amazing how we can continue to grow closer even tho we may not talk or see each other very often. It could be days between shorter texts. I’m not feeling ready to be her bf simply because the emotional intimacy isn’t quite as deep for me on this connection yet, tho I know are growing closer, just at a slower pace.

Sweetie B is lives in another state; she is able to talk/text during the day and as a result, well we have gotten to be very emotionally attuned and close. We talk every day, often, it feels more like a live chat and we exchange lots of media and voice notes and do quick calls/facetimes often, etc. Naturally, this lends itself to feeling a really deep kind of intimacy that has me feeling not only ready but wanting to escalate things with her.

Given we’re all non-monogamous and I’m transparent about myself and those in my life, well I can empathize this could instigate feelings from Sweetie A. My question is for general advice as to how to communicate at the appropriate time (at the other partners agenda of our check in) that I have escalated this relationship with Sweetie B? I don’t want to preemptively overexplain, but I also don’t want to seem short/kurt and communicate that I’m here for questions and to offer support. Does it makes sense not to elaborate unless asked why it escalated with Sweetie B, but not A?

Thanks I’m just trying to be mindful as I really do love them both for diff reasons as is the beauty of non-monogamy.

i lovelovelove my sweet partners so much.

davey, the partner i had a crush on first, is so sweet. i love them. i knew it was wrong to have a crush on them because they said they were in a relationship, but i couldn’t help it and admired from afar. then i met my other partner, whom i call treggie. they were also the sweetest ever, and i ended up crushing on both of them. i was torn between the two, and i became great friends with them soon, we were like three peas in a pod one might say. then, davey asked if id liked to join them, and i was absolutely giddy!! normally my posts on reddit are depressing because i search for online communities to get advice on my struggles, but i also like a positive post once in a while.
both of them are gender non conforming, which was a surprise to me because i never thought id be dating someone who was gender nonconforming, since id always considered myself MLM. it’s freeing to be completely stripped of labels, since i don’t care for them anymore now that i have my two loves and support them no matter the date or time through all their decisions regarding their identities. i couldn’t ask for better.

I (32f) and my boyfriend (33m) are visiting my family for five days. We’ve been together for 8 years and he hes met them before. He and his other partner are having some relationship problems. He doesn’t want to talk about them with me, which is totally fine. But, he’s been spending like every free second texting with her, getting upset, kind of withdrawing from me, since we’ve been here. He’s very nice to my parents, which I really appreciate and he took time off work to be here with me. But, I feel pretty disconnected from him and visiting my family is hard for me for reasons unrelated to him, which he knows about. I can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable feeling a bit upset that these emotional conversations with his other partner couldn’t wait until our trip is over. Am I being insensitive? I can’t tell.

I’m married (32f) to my husband and we’ve been poly for the majority of our marriage and relationship . We welcomed our first baby at the end of last year. I took a break from the enm/poly lifestyle for all of it and all of my PP . How did you navigate jumping back into it ?

I'm stressed, there's lots happening, I have a great support network out of my romantic partner, I go to therapy, I do the self work.

Polyamory just feels really, really hard at the moment, and like it would just be easier to end it, and go back to monogamy so there's someone there when I've had an awful day and I need a hug.

What do you do to reground yourself in Polyamory when you feel this way?

I don't need a raft of people saying they've never felt this way, and it's probably showing poly isn't for me, I'm just having a bad time and things are overwhelming right now.

TLDR; how do yall find the sweet spot of communicating with partners about jealousy/hard feelings without over sharing?

I (35f) have been doing polyamory for 9.5 years, I have a nesting partner of 12 years, a long-distance partner of 9 years, and another partner of 1 year.

Long distance partner (36, NB) and I haven’t been in the best spot this year - they were hurt by me rushing home from a visit with them bc my nesting partner almost died & was in the ICU. I’ve visited them 3 more times since then, but our relationship hasn’t recovered (in a way they have explicitly named), they’re way less connected to me than before.

They just started dating a new person & it’s gotten very serious very fast. I can tell they’re falling for her, they spent the weekend together, etc, and it’s bringing up self-judgments / comparisons that I know are just internalized mononormativity - I intellectually know that them connecting with her doesn’t have anything to do with their feelings for me. Still, I feel jealous & sad. We had a good, long convo about it all the other day & I was able to convey my support & excitement for my partner (which I do also genuinely feel) and share a little of my sad/hard feelings. This was before their weekend trip.

This morning, I skipped calling them like I often do because I wasn’t ready to hear their euphoric vibe about their weekend with the new partner. They texted to ask how I’m feeling & if they can do anything to show they care about me, and I’m not sure how to respond. I’m feeling sad & jealous, but I can’t imagine how sharing that would feel productive at this point?

I really want to be supportive - I have 2 other partners and I benefit from my people having other connections, I can’t be this partner’s everything & I want them to have other loves! It’s also annoyingly hard right now, and because those are both true at the same time, I’m not sure how much I should share with my partner about my hard feelings!

TIA for musings about how yall find that sweet spot of not oversharing & burdening your people, but not undersharing and avoiding and bottling it up.

Hello Lovely Community!

I'm looking to create some rituals with my partner around going on dates, esp with someone new. We'd like to focus on our connectivity and quieting an activated nervous system. It could be as simple as holding hands and going on a walk to making a meal together.

While we're chewing on this, I got to wondering what, if any, rituals do yall do? It could be in this context or others.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

Edit/Clarification:

I appreciate responses so far! Thank you for letting me figure out what I'm asking through discourse.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is some additional tools for those times when self-soothing and logically working through something hasn't gotten to my body yet. For tools to help show up generally for a partner when they're feeling more dysregulated that usual, whether that is around a date or not.

Hi all,
My partner D (25M) and I (26F) have run into a significant conflict. It’s a bit of a long story.

We started dating March 2026, and came into the relationship with the understanding that I am polyam and had other partners at the time. He was accepting of it, and reassured me numerous times this dynamic was comfortable and manageable for him. In June, I experienced a somewhat traumatic sexual event that resulted in breaking things off with another partner B (29M). D provided a lot of support in the aftermath while I was very vulnerable and hurting. During that time, he expressed his desire to be my sole partner. I don’t fully recall what I responded with, but I reaffirmed that I am polyam but would deprioritize new connections while I worked on my mental health.

Fast forward to August 2026, we have begun cohabitating. I end up in an intensive outpatient therapy program for several weeks and we begin couples counseling with a queer/poly therapist. We’ve had tons of conversations around our relationship dynamic and how we want to manage both of our mental health concerns and successfully live together.

More or less, the longer we have lived together, the more he seems to be be against polyamory. Tonight, he said that the couples therapist and I are treating him like monogamy is a problem to be solved, and we focus on how he can get comfortable with polyamory rather than how I feel about monogamy. I have always maintained as long as he’s known me that monogamy is not something I desire.

I asked him what dynamic would make him 100% comfortable, and he finally owned the fact he wants me to be completely monogamous (however he won’t stop me from forming other meaningful non-romantic non-sexual connections). I, on the other hand, would be most comfortable in a dynamic where I have the freedom to form the connections I desire and use my free time as I see fit.

TLDR: How do I find a compromise with my mono nesting partner that is pressuring me to be mono? And how do I move past feeling like I’ve been misled and disrespected?

My partners new interest is someone they know well and have previously worked with. Previously, this person had been described to me as a liar, manipulator and bully to the other coworkers. This person that they have interest in has since been laid off due to these problems.

Since then they have remained friends. This person has been rude to me a few times and when we have ran into each other when my partner is not present and it has really bothered me. I felt as if it was because they were interested in my partner, which come to find out... they are. I am all for new people being involved if there is mutual respect and understanding, but this person does not have those qualities. My partner has admitted that while they are aware that this coworker of theirs has been rude to me and our friends, they still have interest in pursuing them. Is it wrong for me to feel hurt by my partner?