r/depression • u/SQLwitch • Oct 29 '19
We understand that most people who reply immediately to an OP with an invitation to talk privately mean only to help, but this type of response usually leads to either disappointment or disaster. it usually works out quite differently here than when you say "PM me anytime" in a casual social context.
We have huge admiration and appreciation for the goodwill and good citizenship of so many of you who support others here and flag inappropriate content - even more so because we know that so many of you are struggling yourselves. We're hard at work behind the scenes on more information and resources to make it easier to give and get quality help here - this is just a small start.
Our new wiki page explains in detail why it's much better to respond in public comments, at least until you've gotten to know someone. It will be maintained at /r/depression/wiki/private_contact, and the full text of the current version is below.
Anyone who, while acting as a helper, invites or accepts private contact (I.e. PMs, chat, or any kind of offsite communication) early in the conversion is showing either bad intentions or bad judgement. Either way, it's unwise to trust them.
"PM me anytime" seems like a kind and generous offer. And it might be perfectly well-meaning, but, unless and until a solid rapport has been established, it's just not a wise idea. Here are some points to consider before you offer or accept an invitation to communicate privately.
By posting supportive replies publicly, you'll help more people than just the OP. If your responses are of good quality, you'll educate and inspire other helpers. The 1-9-90 rule applies here as much as it does anywhere else on the internet.
People who are struggling with serious mental-health issues often (justifiably) have a low tolerance for disappointment and a high-level of ever-changing emotional need. Unless the helper is able to make a 100% commitment to be there for them in every way, for as long as necessary, offering a personal inbox as a resource is likely to do more harm than good. This is why mental-health crisis-line responders usually don't give their names and callers aren't allowed to request specific responders. It's much healthier and safer for the callers to develop a relationship with the agency as a whole. Analogously, it's much safer and healthier for our OPs to develop a relationship with the community as a whole. Even trained responders are generally not allowed to work high-intensity situations alone. It's partly about availability, but it's mostly about wider perspective and preventing compassion fatigue.
If a helper gets in over their head with someone whose mental-health issues (including suicidality, which is often comorbid with depression) escalate, in a PM conversation it's much harder for others, including the /r/depression and /r/SuicideWatch moderators to help. (Contrary to common assumptions, moderators can't see or police PMs.)
In our observation over many years, the people who say "PM me" the most are consistently the ones with the least understanding of mental-health issues and mental-health support. We all have gaps in our knowledge and in our ability to communicate effectively. Community input mitigates these limitations. There's no reason why someone who's truly here to help would want to hide their responses from community scrutiny. If helpers are concerned about their own privacy, keep in mind that self-disclosure, when used supportively, is more about the feelings than the details, and that we have no problem here with the use of alt/throwaway accounts, and have no restrictions on account age or karma.
We all know the internet is used by some people to exploit or abuse others. These people do want to hide their deceptive and manipulative responses from everyone except their victims. There are many of them who specifically target those who are vulnerable because of mental-health issues. If a helper invites an OP to talk privately and gives them a good, supportive experience, they've primed that person to be more vulnerable to abusers. This sort of cognitive priming tends to be particularly effective when someone's in a state of mental-health crisis, when people rely more on heuristics than critical reasoning.
If OPs want to talk privately, posting on a wide-open anonymous forum like reddit might not be the best option. Although we don't recommend it, we do allow OPs to request private contact when asking for support. If you want to do this, please keep your expectations realistic, and to have a careful look at the history of anyone who offers to PM before opening up to them.
r/depression • u/SQLwitch • May 18 '26
Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you're having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, or have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these aren't allowed standalone posts in the sub as they violate the "role model" rule), this is a place you can share.
Our subreddit rules are very different from most of the rest of reddit! Since all of them exist for important reasons, we ask everyone here to read and follow them. Please click 'report' on any harmful content you see here - we always want to know and deal as soon as we can.
We also have several resource wikis for help with finding and giving support:
https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/what_is_depression provides guidance about what is and isn't a depressive disorder, guidance on the complex nature of the illnesses that are usually grouped under the "depression" label, and redirect information for common off-topic issues.
https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/giving_help offers information on the nature and value of peer support for mental-health issues in general, and lots of guidance for learning what is -- and isn't -- usually helpful in giving peer support.
YSK that the types of rule violations that we most frequently see here are:
People breaking the private contact rule. You should never trust anyone who tries to get you into a private conversation in response to a post here. See https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/private_contact
"I'm here to help" posts. This shows that you don't understand the most basic principles of peer support, especially selectivity. The "giving help" wiki explains more about this.
Role modelling, i.e. "achievement" or "advice" posts. This is an expert-free zone -- that's what peer support means (rule 5). We know that "internet culture" celebrate not just bragging about your achievements but bragging about your intentions. Neither is ever acceptable here in any form.
Content that's more about 'making a statement' or casually polling the sub than seeking personal support (rules 1, 2 and 10).
Off-topic posts about difficult situations, including interpersonal issues. Grief, sadness, anger, loneliness and other difficult emotions are not mental illnesses. Feelings that can be explained by person's circumstances are perfectly healthy no matter how painful they are. A depressive disorder only exists when someone's mood is out of synch with what's going on for them. The "what is depression" wiki linked above has suggestions for other places to post about these issues, which are 100% valid and serious but do NOT belong here.
r/depression • u/DescriptionFuture851 • 7h ago
Seriously, anything that happens after is none of my business, so why I am scared of the consequences?
It doesn't make any sense.
r/depression • u/tarajayoz • 3h ago
I’ve just been diagnosed with major depression.
I am really looking for some activities I can do at home that are not too difficult, too long or too arduous.
For context, I am a 45yo woman. Dad died in April and my cat died 2 weeks ago.
Just searching for something I can do.
r/depression • u/shaytay2pointO • 12h ago
I really don't want to be here anymore. I think about dying all the time. I'm praying for a terminal illness, cardiac arrest or stroke that will take me out quick. Depression has beaten me. I can't get better. I will rehome my 2 beautiful cats then I'm out. People are mean and horrible. My next door neighbour has ruined everything. Why do people do mean shit to good people?
I don't want people to reply and say "don't do it". That doesn't help in any way. I just wanna write this down. Put my feelings into words. Just vent and whinge and complain. Like I always do. My husband (separated) tells me to stop running away from every inconvenience or problem that arises. I don't have the skills or perseverance to do anything. I don't know the answer. I DO want to run away. Why can't that be an option. Why stay and be miserable. Everything I do ends in heartache. Sure, I may get over my current situation but something else will happen. It always does. Wherever I go, I'm always there. I'm the common denominator. I'm the problem. Why can't I just remove myself instead of removing all the things that cause problems. I'll never be happy. I have never been happy. Some people just aren't meant to thrive. There's plenty of people on the planet. What's one fewer gonna matter.
r/depression • u/beccon1117 • 9h ago
I have BPD...and 4 years ago my son and I got into an argument and he ended his life in front of me.. the night before last night I took my daughters phone because she has had it in her face for weeks and needed a break. Yesterday I was at work and she found her phone and started texting me horrible things...I don't feel like I want to be here anymore.
Nobody wants me or notices me unless I am doing something for them.
I only have 2 friends left since my son died, no family... like what the fuck...
I am tired of my life
r/depression • u/markofvictory • 3h ago
RJ Mitte died by suicide at 34 today, and the whole internet is devastated, saying he was so young and whatnot. I myself am a huge fan of breaking bad and have watched it on repeat. And I feel bad for him.
But as a 22yo who’s been having suicidal thoughts since 17, and sometimes came too close to acting on them, it makes me think. Would anyone even care if I died? Would they even know I was younger than him and still died?
In short, maybe I’m jealous of him. If people think 34 is too young to die, what would they think about someone who died at 22?
r/depression • u/yurigohan • 4h ago
38F, diagnosed with MDD and BPD.
I'm in therapy, take my meds, exercise.
I've had many ups and downs in my life and yet somehow I've always found new reasons to stay alive, but this is getting so old. Every new depressive episode is worse than the last, it's so tiresome and I'm so tired.
I don't even look up for happier moments anymore as I always end up feeling even more depressed. It's like the clash between been momentarily happy and going back to my miserable life afterwards is too much to bear with.
I'm hanging on right now but I started to believe that someday I will not be able to bear it anymore and I will off myself. It feels fated, like some people just never get better. I've seen so many people turning their lives around yet I'm still fighting through the depths of despair every once in a while. I've also seem people who gave up and I understand their reasons. Maybe some people are just coded to fail.
Someday my mother (80) will be gone, someday my cats will be no longer, someday I'll be alone and the urge will kick in and I'll be gone. Somehow I think that's a peaceful thought.
r/depression • u/polabear88 • 17h ago
I wish I would never wake up from my sleep. I hate the morning sun so I draw the blinds and stay in bed all day.....
r/depression • u/Any_Salad5615 • 4h ago
Hello , i am just in a really really bad place , i just need to talk to someone and release whats inside my heart, i am really sorry
r/depression • u/xanc_95 • 1h ago
I’m tired of being alone but I’ve been alone my whole life idk how to change it. I know I know just talk to people but I get anxiety in social situations. I’m basically screwed either way. Then to make matters worse the people that have come into my life have been toxic. I tell myself that theres some higher meaning to everything i’ve been through because I’ve been on the other end of just sitting with the pain. I just hope that things change for me because im already 31 and have never had a close friend or serious relationship. I don’t even have family around because we just don’t respect each other. If past lives exist I must have done something bad in my past life because it’s like I have a people repellent on or something. Just having a moment though…I have hope that things will change.
r/depression • u/Euphoric-Gear5638 • 8h ago
im 23f. my life is over. whats ironic is my mom attempted not even 4 days ago, but she survived. i was supposed to go the next day but stayed for my dad and brother.
i cant keep burdening my friends and boyfriend like this. my life always has a crisis. my new job im supposed to start is tainted with an evil HR choice that took away the benefits of someone I’m close with and now people are asking questions. I have student debt and if i change careers it’ll just add to it. I already had one job post grad and quit it because it was way to far and i was working alone and doing way to much for a new grad.
ive made so many mistakes and the guilt is killing me. i feel evil, disgusting, and anxious every single day of the week. im done tonight. i recorded some videos for the people i care about so they know its not their fault. i want to minimize the hurt as much as possible.
i guess im writing here as a final goodbye to the world (along with my videos). i see no purpose of being here anymore. everything is wrong. i feel sick to my stomach every day.
i hope everyone that reads this has a good life. prost to the afterlife.
r/depression • u/Crashandbox1678 • 10h ago
Anyone ever get that feeling when you’re in a depressive episode and you feel like you can’t move? Like getting out of the car is too much effort. I’ve been parking in the garage, turning off my car and just sitting there. The house seems too happy.
r/depression • u/terencethebear • 16h ago
I'm done. I'm so through with living. I just want this experience to end. I despise this world and the rotten apes that populate it. I believe that human beings are a cancer devouring everything we touch and shitting out poison that poisons the air we breathe, the water we drink, the food we eat. We no longer raise children, we simply give them screens that fill their minds with ads, promoting a culture of malignant self interest. We exploit any and every advantage with little to no thought of the cost to others. We have made a world run by sociopaths in boardrooms who only want to find ways to extract more money from us and we turn a blind eye, preferring to spend our energy attacking trans people, racial minorities, people with political leanings that are different from ours, or people who worship the wrong imaginary deity.
I hate it here, I cannot wait until I'm dead and done with this wretched existence.
r/depression • u/TestBusi • 10h ago
I’m a 33-year-old man.
I come from a very modest family. My dad abandoned my family and me to live in another country. He left my mum with debts, and we had to sell our house. Even after that, my mum’s finances were still being monitored by the bank. We struggled financially for years.
Anyway, I earned a master’s degree, and after that, I left my country to work abroad. At first, I was successful. But as time went by, I developed severe depression and experienced burnout. I made a lot of mistakes, and I was fired from my job because of my poor decisions, my depression, and my undiagnosed ADHD.
I’m also gay, and I’ve always struggled with emotional dependency. A bad relationship made the situation even worse.
To be clear, I lost everything I had built. All my efforts, all those years of interviews, office jobs, and hard work, everything I had worked for was gone. Nothing was left except a little savings.
I don’t blame other people or my company. I don’t even blame my depression or my burnout. I only blame myself. I wasn’t strong enough to withstand all that pressure.
I remained unemployed for several months. Then, one day, I decided to fight again. I found a really good job, and I worked incredibly hard to get it. Day and night, for months, I did everything I could to succeed.
And I got the job.
But after the recruitment process, the company discovered that I had been fired from my previous job and decided to rescind my offer.
I thought I had finally got my revenge on life. I thought I could finally make up for everything life had put me through and make peace with my past mistakes.
But once again, it was taken away from me.
Today, I live alone in a a new foreign country. I moved here for this new job, only to have the offer rescinded. I haven’t been able to get out of bed. I can’t stop crying, and I’m seriously thinking about ending my life because everything feels so unfair and unbearably hard. I just want the pain to stop.
I’m sorry, Mum. I wasn’t strong enough to buy you a house.
I failed…
r/depression • u/Mautkisaudagarrr • 1h ago
I wish people had the basic courtesy of being kind.
Things have been so bad for me from past 2-3 months.
I lost my only support, my dog to old age. I didn’t feel like getting up every morning after his passing but somehow i still tried, did my work and stayed positive.
My work was my only hope until one day the person to whom I was supplying food suddenly told me that my food sucks and found someone else better than me that too at good prices.
Mind you, i was supplying food to this person from last 3 years, he treated me like a daughter but how badly he ended things was terrible.
He could have just been polite and kind about it, but he chose to be heartless.
I was like fine, i’ll carry on. It’s business. That’s how it works, i was trying to get myself up again.
Then came another day when a lady out of nowhere started shouting at me for walking my other dog in the park (i was carrying a scooper for cleaning the mess) She was so rude and mean things were said to me. About how i looked, how i walked, every personal bad thing possible.
She came to my house for god knows what reason and started shouting and scolding me there. I started apologising to her out of habit. She didn’t stop. She then called my landlord and told him that what a mistake he has done by keeping me in his house.
At this point, i am just done. I don’t understand why people can’t be kind?
One after another incidents have broken me in such a way that i don’t see any solution or an escape.
r/depression • u/Vegetable_Guest_1402 • 1h ago
There’s a myriad of things wrong with me (20) and it’s led me to feel like I’m something different or separate from most people. From POCD and ADHD to me being trans and completely alone since I was born. I’ve never felt love like people describe it, I’ve never had any real friends and I’ve lost the ability to trust anyone. I haven’t had a conversation with anyone my age since COVID first broke out. I don’t have any hobbies and I don’t enjoy doing anything. I know my family is starting to hate me for it because I can’t repress my emotions anymore because they hurt too much. Things like socializing and friends or happiness just feel like something for others, not for me. Sorry for rambling I’ve been desperate for anyone to notice.
r/depression • u/hotelninja • 3h ago
I've tried three different classes of meds (2 SSRIs, SNRI, and TCA) and I get the same result with all of them, I get MUCH worse. Anxiety goes crazy, suicidal thoughts, low mood where I want to do nothing. I'm giving up now, but just... wtf? It's been absolute hell the last 6 months. I feel like I've lost my life. I've lost all friends, quit all my hobbies and sports. It's so daunting to think of starting over. I just regret trying so much. I had non-reactive depressive that presents as apathy and social anxiety, which is a fuck ton pretty then what I've been going through lately.
My doc says it's process and elimination but I can't imagine going through around round of it.
Mostly want to vent, but I curious if others experience only the worst effects of meds or if they eventually find something that works?
r/depression • u/Forsaken_Desk5148 • 3h ago
Every post I’ve made has been removed. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong sharing my experience. I am a 24-year-old female who just lost her job who has minimal family and it just sucks. I don’t know how much I can say because I’m afraid that it’s going to be removed again so if you’d like to talk to me, that’s fine. Just know that things are really not going good. I don’t have high host of this post remaining up because them targeting me I don’t understand why I just want to feel seen. I don’t get why that is not allowed. I am so alone and I’m feeling so bad.
r/depression • u/Even_Thanks_1398 • 15h ago
Not sure why humans even reproduce, nothing but suffering on this flying rock in space, everything is geneuinly pointless, and i have to go to school act like am totally fine and not wanting to fucking die, like i genuinly dont want to be one of these wierdos but we humans are just fucking wierd creatures, we have a way better brain than animals just to use it for bad, i fucking hate everything.
r/depression • u/Competitive-Heron-11 • 3h ago
everyone just tells you to keep going because they don’t want to deal with someone they know dying.
r/depression • u/Unhappy-Channel8501 • 1h ago
I pretend that they are real people (well some of them are) and act like i don’t know that they are trying to scam me just so there’s somebody talking to me. When they start to ask for some gift cards or money I just act like I don’t understand or try to delay the payment for whatever just so they don’t leave me. When they stop responding I look for new ones. Really has to be rock bottom. 32years old man btw. 🤣 ahhh man
r/depression • u/Just_vibing_1999 • 4h ago
It’s heavy on my chest and if I don’t speak to someone I feel like I’ll lose my mind
Someone kind
r/depression • u/Horror_Aspect23 • 8h ago
I had to post somewhere. It’s not a cry for help, although it might be.
I’m sick of everything.
I’ve never lived a life of my own because my parents suck and couldn’t grow up or stop having kids, so I had to grow up quick.
I’m constantly neglected, overlooked and ignored and frankly, I’m sick of it.
I’ve spent my life following around my shitty parents, taking care of them, their issues and kids, I never got a chance to live my own life.
I’m the oldest of 6 and have NOTHING to show for it but depression and sadness.
My alcoholic sister has a kid, so she can do no wrong.
My mom doesn’t talk to me
My dad doesn’t talk to me
5 siblings and I can really only relate to one.
But I feel so bad for my younger siblings. And I hate the thought of leaving my nephew (4) who calls me his best friend. The problem is I walk on egg shells in my house. I’m kicked out almost every day and have resorted to spending all day every day in my room.
Not one person in my house attempts to even speak my name. I’m already a ghost here, I just want to be one for real.
So I sold all my stuff.
Cleaned my room real good and will be ordering an uber and going to the airport.
I’m getting the cheapest flight to wherever, and I’m gone.
I know no one will notice, not for a while at least.
I’m just gonna miss my family man, and I wish they’d miss me.
I have no money, so honestly I’m not sure I’m gonna make it, but that’s okay. I know I won’t make it much longer here, and I’d rather not have my family find me and have another burden of mine to deal with.