Our boy was four, and had a history of health issues: two urinary blockages not far apart from each other about two years ago, and upper respiratory issues his whole life.

I had just finished him on a round of clavamox, but due to our finances being really sensitive right now and also not wanting to cause him unneccesary stress by a vet visit -- its been a long time since he was thoroughly seen by a vet.

The day before we left town for the weekend, I felt like he was breathing fast. But he was alert and eating and drinking normally and not exhibiting any other odd behaviors so I tried to assuage my worry.

But then - we get a call while we are away that our roommate came home to find him stiff. Dead. Eyes and mouth wide open. Drool all around him, and his back legs wet and spiky from what had to be furious licking in pain.

I don't think there's any way he could have died peacefully in his sleep because of the state of his back legs being all wet and spiky and his mouth and eyes wide open.

I hate the idea that he died in pain all alone. And that maybe, if I had taken him to the vet, this could have all been averted. Maybe they could have detected a urinary blockage or a heart issue.

Its been about 36 hours since we found out our boy was gone forever. We are destroyed. And I feel terrible not just biting the bullet and taking him in. we didn't even meet the deductible for his insurance this year, even with adding in the cost of cremating.

Why couldn't I have made the sacrifice for him financially? And possibly spared his life? What is wrong with us?

I have taken him to the ER in the past when I was worried, and as a result saved his life (two urinary blockages)

I know my partner and I both came from backgrounds where pets were rarely taken in to the vet. Maybe it was just that part of our upbringing, combined with our current financial insecurity, that reared it’s ugly, ugly head. but we had INSURANCE. wtf was I thinking

i feel like i am in hell. i can’t do this

She was 41. I don’t even know what I’m looking for but it’s blowing my mind. There’s only a couple hundred reported kratom deaths. There will likely be way more as time goes on. Out of the 8 billion people on this planet my mom is one of the couple hundred. My heart hurts and I’m a little mad at her. I don’t wanna be but she knew it was going to kill her and she couldn’t stop. The withdrawals were too bad and she was scared of rehab. I knew she wanted to be clean and she was trying her best. And to those cops and everyone else who worked on her she’s just another statistic to a growing problem. But to me she was my mom who went through way more than she should’ve. She deserved so much more in life and always got the short end of the stick and did what she could to get by and not feel all her pain. I just miss my mom.

I used to think grief meant slowly healing until one day, you’re finally okay again. But now, I’m starting to think that maybe that’s not how it works.

My dad passed away recently, and I’m realizing that life really does go on, even when a part of you feels like it shouldn’t. People go back to work, laugh at jokes, make plans, eat their meals, and carry on with their lives. And you do, too. You find yourself laughing at something, enjoying a moment, or going about your day, then suddenly remember that the person you want to tell about it is no longer here.

I think that’s one of the strangest things about grief. You can be okay for a moment, but that doesn’t mean you’re okay with what happened. You can accept that someone is gone without ever being okay with the fact that they’re gone.

And maybe that’s what makes grief so difficult. There’s no actual finish line. No day when you wake up and suddenly stop missing them. You just learn to carry the absence, even as life continues to ask things of you.

I don’t want to rush myself into healing, either. If this pain stays with me for a long time, then so be it. I don’t want to measure my healing by how quickly I can go back to being the person I was before. That person had my dad in his life. Of course I’m going to be different now.

Maybe someday, the pain will feel different. Maybe some memories will make me smile more than they make me cry. But for now, I think it’s okay to not be okay.

I’m curious about those who have lost someone they deeply love. Does grief ever really get easier, or do you just become better at carrying it? And how do you learn to live a life that you still want to enjoy, even when there’s someone you wish could still be here to enjoy it with you?

He died December 23rd 2022 after 4 months in over 17 heart attacks his last words to me were Richard I love you. I just want everyone to know that no matter what happens in the future don't take people for granted!

My brother was always the perfect, straightforward kid. He was always religious and never swore. At the end of September police came to his home to arrest him and search the house. He immediately paid bail. 6 days later he was found. I’ve been trying for over a week to find any arrest record to get any kind of info on what he was found with or going to be charged of. He had three kids.

I thought arrest warrants or records were public information but I cannot find anything other than his arrest for speeding in the 90s. It’s so hard not knowing what was found to mourn. Cp is such a horrific thing. The difference in how I at least mourn is huge between something involving a child in person or downloading pics. Both are not ok but I hope this makes sense. He was an amazing man, father, and husband so this was so out of the blue. I can give more info if needed, for now I’ll just give the general location due to the legality differences between states. Washington state, USA.

Where do I go? Where should I look? Who do I ask?

Due to him having a wife and kids I do not qualify as immediate family. I do not want to pester his wife with this as she’s going through so much.

He had life insurance but was 4 months short of the 2 year period where if one died by suicide they do not qualify. His wife has been a stay at home mom for their three kids for 18 years. There is a go fund me I may add. Only one kid has graduated.

His viewing is tomorrow. He is being cremated and we will have the option to write something on the box. If you have any general ideas that would be appreciated. He was my baby brother. He was sick but was family.

Content warning: Sudden and unexpected death, heart attack, CPR and resuscitation attempts, graphic descriptions of a deceased loved one, organ donation, and traumatic grief.

This happened less than 48 hours ago, so everything is still incredibly fresh, and I’m still trying to process what the fuck happened.

Yep, my dad’s dead… 50 years old, on his 24th wedding anniversary, from a sudden heart attack with no symptoms beforehand. I don’t know how to cope. My mom, my sister, and I are devastated, but the worst part is that his parents are still alive and grieving the loss of their son. I don’t know what to do. I’m completely lost. He was our safety net for everything, and now, without him, I’m so scared of something happening to my mom and having to support my family by myself. I’m only 22, for Christ’s sake, and my sister is fucking 17… I don’t even know how to take care of my own finances, and I’m only working part-time while going to college…

I don’t know why I’m writing this post. I guess I just need to vent, as well as get some support from people other than my family at the moment. I don’t really have any friends, so no one other than my family and my dad’s friends is really there for me, and this whole thing has been extremely lonely for me, considering that I’m the only one in my immediate family who didn’t get a shit ton of messages from other people.

I was there when he died. We had lunch together, just me, my mom, and him, and he just got up and went to lie down on the couch because he felt like he was about to faint, and he just died right away, without any pain. He was making this weird snoring sound while breathing, and we thought he was still alive and just fucking with us for a few seconds before we moved him down to the floor and started doing CPR on him.

I saw him turn grey and the life drain from his eyes while my mom was doing mouth-to-mouth on him. The look on his face will haunt me until the day I die… His eyes were crossed and glazed over, with saliva dripping from his mouth. I thought he would get through this and that we’d laugh later about how scared he had made me and my mom, but half an hour later, the cops told us that the paramedics had done everything they could but weren’t able to bring him back.

I sobbed immediately and just fell to the ground in disbelief. I felt guilty at first. What if I didn’t do the chest compressions hard enough? Why did I wake up so late that day and not get to spend much time with him in the morning? Why did it have to happen on his wedding anniversary, after we had just had dinner as a family the night before to celebrate his 24 years of marriage to my mom?

Why, why, why… I don’t fucking know why. It was so sudden and unexpected that I can’t think rationally right now. I was just so relieved when the nurse said that he died right away, without any pain, and didn’t soil himself or anything. I thought he was in so much pain and struggling to breathe, and it gave me peace of mind knowing that he wasn’t.

We all went to the hospital afterward: me, my mom, my sister and her boyfriend, my mom’s parents and her brother, my dad’s parents and his sister, as well as my dad’s best friends in the whole world. We got to talk to his body one last time before they took him away for organ donation. He was already turning grey when we entered the room. His body was still slightly warm, and we got to hug him and kiss him as we said goodbye.

I’ve only ever seen and touched a dead body once in my life, and that was my great-grandmother at her funeral, so this was jarring, to say the least. I’m glad I got to say goodbye, though. I know I would have kicked myself later if I hadn’t. My mom didn’t want to leave him behind and put his wedding ring on her finger right away. It was so hard to leave him at the hospital because it looked like he was just sleeping on a hospital bed.

This whole thing is a nightmare, and I wouldn’t wish the unexpected death of a family member like this on anyone.

We got the call the next day that they had managed to harvest almost everything except his heart, of course. I’m happy that parts of his body will help others and save lives, but there’s a part of me that wishes he hadn’t been cut open and hollowed out like a carcass. But I try not to think about it. What’s done is done, and the next step is to cremate his body and find a funeral home for him.

My dad wasn’t a talkative or sensitive guy. He was a man of well-intentioned actions, and his presence will be missed at home. It’s hard to see his stuff everywhere. It’s even harder to see my mom wearing his clothes and putting a pillow under the covers on his side of the bed to cuddle at night.

And it’s even harder feeling like I’m the man of the house now… because I’m not. My dad was a mountain of a man, and I’m only an ounce of what he was. I’m forever going to miss him and his corny-ass dad jokes. I’m going to miss hearing him talk about his workday each night at supper and pretending to care about the sales he made that day. I’m even going to miss seeing him burp and fart at the table while my mom tells him to knock it off.

I wish I could have had one last talk with him around the fire, with a beer in hand. We didn’t talk heart-to-heart much, if ever, but I would have wanted to tell him that I love him and hug him before he died. We didn’t really do that much, and I’ll forever regret not hugging him after we had dinner together the night before.

Sorry for the long-ass post. I think I just needed to write everything down step by step so I wouldn’t forget, because I’m already forgetting things due to the trauma, I think.

Anyway, I love you, Dad, and I hope you’re fine wherever you are up there and watching over us. I can’t wait to see how many people show up for you at your funeral, including your family, friends, and coworkers. You deserve to rest now. So go on, take that nap, and I’ll see you soon. Hopefully not that soon, but we’ll see. Maybe that heart problem really is hereditary. I don’t fucking know anymore.

If any part of this post is too graphic or goes against the sub’s rules, I’m more than happy to edit it. I just needed somewhere to get all of this off my chest.

Lost my wife of almost 5 years to a rare cancer, we've been together 17 years. She was 43, I've been her caregiver as well as her husband since we found out she had this about a year ago. She was the love of my life and now I feel lost, this is so difficult. I'm alone in a house filled with reminders of her. It's only been 2 weeks but it feels like forever, I miss her so much. Everyday is a struggle. I got an appointment with a therapist Thursday, hopefully that will help. Having trouble finding group support locally.

I am a 23 year old male the oldest child my mother has 6 kids in total including me. My mother at the age 35 died a random night in her sleep in 2019 when I was 17. Me and my 3 sisters share the same dad our dad died when I was 7 years and my sisters were even younger. I have two little brothers who share a different father they are now 7 and 8 and they were 1 and 6 months old when my mom passed away in 2019. What can I do as an older sibling to support my younger siblings as a grow? I just don’t know I am only 23 and feel like I’m carrying so much pain and it just doesn’t feel fair . I often find myself comparing my life to others and it’s just not fair.

A year ago today was one of the worst days of my life. When my Dad passed I remember grasping for anything that would try to help me feel better about it. Like how he would tell me he never feared death because he had done everything he wanted to do in life and he knew that he raised me well enough to take care of myself. Nothing really worked that made his passing hurt any less and to this day nothing does. It's the most impactful thing to ever happen to me. The one thing that has been helpful in dealing with my grief has been recognizing that all of the pain, sadness, regret and sorrow I had felt, felt as immense as they were exactly because of how immense my father's love was. His lifetime of love, sacrifice, and support to ensure I had a better upbringing than the one he had created a hole in me that I couldn't comprehend until he passed. While I feel his absence every day, I've learned to appreciate that sadness. His love persists in every time and every place I grieve where it once was. I'll never get over losing my Dad and I would never want to. I remain grateful and happily devastated. I love you Dad and I miss you so much. I'm so lucky to be your son.

Here is my mom I’m 23 her oldest child ❤️ she died in 2019 she was 35 years old she has six children including me. I joined this community because I just needed somewhere to cope

My (M16) mom had brain cancer three years ago, and received radiation. Nearly a year ago now, we found out it came back and is much more aggressive this time. The radiation did a lot of damage to my mom, because of preexisting stuff, and now she needs to get almost her entire forehead removed, plus her sinuses.

The doctors discovered the new tumor a few weeks before their holidays, so they delayed her care for almost a YEAR, and now say the cancer is most likely going to spread to other parts of her body. She’s undergoing a 20 hour surgery in a week, and the surgeons made her write a will, and told us that there will undoubtedly be complications with the surgery, and there’s a high risk she may not survive because of several factors. The type of cancer she has too usually is very easy to treat, but because so many doctors ignored it until it became major, the survival rate for this stage is only 25%-35%.

I’m so angry and terrified, but I’m completely helpless at the moment, so I’m just stuck feeling miserable. I dont want to lose my mom.

I lost my mom on September 23rd, and I’ve been having a really difficult time trying to process everything that happened.

A little background: My mom was hospitalized in mid-September after developing neurological symptoms. Imaging revealed multiple lesions in her brain, believed to be an aggressive form of brain cancer, likely glioblastoma. The disease was extensive and inoperable, and she deteriorated incredibly quickly. There wasn’t even enough time to get a definitive diagnosis through a biopsy.

She passed away peacefully in the hospital on September 23rd, with me and my two sisters by her side.

Everything happened so fast. In what felt like the blink of an eye, we went from trying to understand what was happening to being told there was nothing that could be done. I don’t think I’ve even begun to fully process how traumatic and overwhelming those days were, let alone the fact that she’s actually gone.

Since then, some days have been manageable, and others have been incredibly difficult. This morning, I was walking through my house and glanced at a photograph of my mom and me from a recent trip we took to North Carolina. I smiled when I saw it, remembering that moment together. But almost immediately afterward, I had this sudden, visceral feeling of panic. It was the realization that I’ll never be able to talk to her again. I’ll never be able to call her, hear her voice, tell her about my day, ask her advice, or make another memory with her.
It’s difficult to explain because I know she’s gone. I was there when she passed. I understand what happened. But sometimes it’s like my brain suddenly realizes the permanence of it all over again, and the feeling is almost unbearable.

I think that’s one of the hardest parts for me right now. The finality of it. Knowing that no matter how much time passes or how badly I want to, I can never have another conversation with my mom.

The unpredictability of grief has also been really difficult. I can be going about my day, feeling relatively okay, and then something seemingly insignificant completely unravels me. It’s exhausting, and sometimes I feel like I’m just going through the motions of everyday life while trying to comprehend something that still doesn’t feel real.

I also find myself struggling with how quickly life continues moving forward. The rest of the world carries on as normal, but my entire world has changed. It’s hard to reconcile those two things.

I miss my mom terribly. I miss knowing she was there. And I hate that I have to figure out how to live the rest of my life without her.

I know it’s only been a few weeks, and I know grief isn’t linear. I guess I just wasn’t prepared for how physically and emotionally overwhelming it could be, or how suddenly the reality of losing someone can hit you. For those who have experienced a sudden loss, especially of a parent, did you experience these moments of panic or disbelief? Does the permanence of their absence ever become easier to comprehend?

I don’t expect to ever stop missing my mom. I just hope that someday I can look at a picture of us, smile, and hold onto the happiness of that memory without immediately feeling the crushing weight of knowing she’s gone.

A longtime friend of mine passed away two days after suffering his seventh stroke. He was 72 years old.

I want to make something clear upfront. His previous six strokes had not left him helpless or in need of constant supervision or 24/7 care. Other than a limp, he had essentially recovered from them and was still living his life.

I was the one who found him when this latest stroke first started. I went to his house, walked inside, and immediately knew something was wrong. I called the paramedics, who arrived quickly and got him to the hospital. Unfortunately, while he was there, he suffered a more significant progression of the stroke.
This time, his speech and ability to communicate were affected. However, he could still nod his head and make gestures that were easy to understand.

During the two days he was in the hospital, he smiled, laughed, and appeared coherent in his interactions with the people around him.
I’m not a doctor, and I’m not claiming to know the full extent of his brain injury or what his medical prognosis was. But based on what I personally observed, I felt there was still a possibility he could recover at least some of his abilities. Given how he had bounced back from his previous strokes, I believed rehabilitation and continued care were worth considering.

We had actually discussed him coming to my house to recover and receive care while he rehabilitated.

Here’s where I’m having a really hard time processing what happened.

His daughter, whom he hadn’t seen in approximately 20 years, came to the hospital after learning about his condition. From what I understand, she directed the medical team to remove his IV lines and oxygen and to give him medication that ultimately kept him unconscious until he passed away.

I don’t know all the medical details, and I realize there may have been things happening that I couldn’t see or fully understand. I also don’t know what conversations took place between her and the doctors. But from my perspective, it felt as though the decision about whether he had a chance to recover was made before he ever got that chance.

What I can’t get past is that he had still been communicating through gestures, smiling, laughing, and interacting with people. I keep wondering whether he understood what was happening, whether anyone asked him what he wanted, and whether he was given an opportunity to express his wishes.

I understand that sometimes a stroke is devastating, that recovery isn’t always possible, and that continuing treatment can sometimes prolong suffering rather than provide meaningful recovery. I’m not arguing against comfort care when it’s medically appropriate or when that’s what the patient wants.

But how do you make that decision for someone who may still be able to communicate, especially when there might be a possibility of rehabilitation?

I’m grieving the loss of my friend, but I’m also struggling with the feeling that we never got to find out what he might have recovered. I thought there was still a chance for him, and I was willing to help him through it.

I’m not posting this to attack his daughter or pretend I know more than his medical team. I’m trying to understand how these decisions are supposed to be made.

Can a family member make the decision to withdraw life-sustaining treatment in a situation like this, and what happens if the patient may still be able to communicate his wishes?

I can’t stop thinking about whether things could have turned out differently if he’d been given more time

My uncle was brutally murdered in Mexico in November 2024. The perpetrator was another relative. Said relative hired someone to do the deed. Justice was not served.

My sense of safety was completely shattered. I’ve been in grief counseling ever since. I’m still sad, angry, and confused. I still don’t know how to talk about it. No one can understand. No one can relate. The story is so incredibly fucked up, it sounds made up. Straight out of a telenovela. God, I wish it was!!! But, this is my life.

The idea of dating again makes me feel sick to my stomach. It was already hard for me to talk about my adverse experiences. Now I have to talk about this, too? FML.

I don't even know where to begin, i'm completely heartbroken

I lost the woman who was the safe space in my childhood 8 weeks ago.

Sorry I just can’t help it, but of course please feel free to skip the story

It was & wasn’t sudden. I hate that inevitable question. She had lung cancer, which already felt so unfair- she never smoked, I saw her drink once my entire life. But it got better, she got better, she rang her bell! No more cancer!
I visited and I KNEW this time that it wouldn’t be the last time I saw her, I went home so happy, so relieved she was getting so much stronger, she looked like herself again!
9 months later, I was going to see her in not even three weeks; until she got sick, just sick, not cancer, not something terrible and evil this time, she was just sick.
She aspirated while vomiting and then she was in the hospital,
myself and my brother & her youngest son out of state, my brother now trying to find out if she’ll recover or should he get a flight now, myself holding hope she’ll wake up, her youngest son leaving the military to desperately trying to make it in time.
He doesn’t, we don’t.
The eldest two step out of the room while her church choir sings her amazing grace & the second they are out of the room she is gone.

This is a photo of my beautiful fiancé, myself and Allison. (Not in that order exactly)

Allison was the only person who I never saw drunk, I never saw aggressive, who always met Everyone & Everything with love.
My childhood home was scary at times.
But allison’s was cozy and warm and full of love Always.
And I was always welcome,
more importantly my baby brother was always welcome.
She picked me up & dropped me off at school from ages 13-16, (graduated early) And on and off in the years before that.
She was the only adult in my life, who noticed something was wrong when I was being SA by a teacher in middle school,
she brought my highschool band fruit on the days it was my turn to bring in,
she wasn’t my mother & yet she came to performances, invited me in and over when something happened , i never had to say anything, she just knew
I never had to explain myself, no matter the hour I showed up at her house with my brother & an overnight bag, she was SO excited to see him every time, I can still see her face lighting up to see us & telling us to come in.

But now she’s gone.
I feel like something is MISSING. Like in the world. And I don’t even f-ing know what it is & I do at the same time.
I keep thinking “why is this so hard??! It’s not like we talked every day” and “I’m an adult who lives 770 miles from her now, it’s not like anything in my daily life is different”
But something is just gone
maybe it’s the deep down thinking and knowing that no matter what happened I had this special safe person who loved me so much for NO REASON!! (Maybe after typing all this I have some fear that I will never experience love like hers again)
Just loved me, my siblings, gave me & them a safe place & endless, unconditional love is just gone now. And I will never get that back and I will never get Her back

Sorry, here’s the part I think I really need advice with.

how I am supposed to keep like,, living
I survive, I eat, have water, tea even, I still went on my trip that was planned two weeks after she passed on, I go to work, I walk my dog. I’m “living”.

But I don’t find joy in my hobbies, my passions, I’ve found are now hard to pursue.
And that worries me even more because ALL she ever wanted was for us to be happy.
I’m in therapy, I was before as well. I’ve tried going back to basics, but even when I do get some joy out of it, it feels different now, I feel different now.

I think I’m really making this post because my fiancé made a comment about how
“you’re waiting for your sparkle to come back and you just need to start doing things again”

and I know she mostly means continuing to post on my socials, which before this was one of my favorite things to do! I had such high hopes and I still love the small community I have abandoned; let my drafts run out & stopped posting or hell, even f-ing opening, the apps since she passed.
But even if I vaguely want to i just very much feel like “what the fuck is the point???”
What is the point, what’s the point!!!!!

And I love my fiancé, and I love my job and I love my hobbies and I know this.

But right now, even if I can see the point objectively of “the point is there is still life to be lived here & Allison would want you to have the best life you can”

I don’t really FEEL like that in my body. I want to live & be happy for her, for myself, for my bride-to-be.

I’ve tried retracing the steps that I took like in my early adulthood to rediscover myself & I just,, it didn’t help.
I don’t want to pursue anything anymore,
I just want to keep living, but Jesus,
all I do in my downtime is cry, scroll, or look at photos. I force myself a few times a week to try at least 3 of my passions/hobbies.
But it’s not feeling any better.
I have days where I go “yeah! I really want to post/model/hike/write/game today!”
And then the time comes to go do it and I just, I don’t even know,
I went to type out “I think to myself” but I don’t think even.
It’s like I get hit with a beam of “we live in a world without allison” and I just, I don’t know, I want to live & be happy and grow in life for her & myself.
But I just can’t bring myself to do anything that feels like growth right now & I don’t know what to do, I hate the feeling of stagnation, and I feel so guilty just sitting and doing jack, not being productive, barely even doing the minimum to keep living & honestly if I lived alone idek how much of THAT I’d be doing.

OKAY (sry also) TRUE TL;DR

If you “found your sparkle” again after it felt like someone put matte spray on anything that glimmered,
please let me know what I can do to start living right again. I hate being this version of myself, but I worry it may just be me now.

Is there any kind of timeframe? My therapist says it’s still pretty new & no matter how long it is I will always have some sadness in my chest knowing she’s not here.
But how do I start feeling more just grateful that I got to be loved by her & less like nothing has a point because I’ll never walk up those steps & see her bright smile as the door opened (please look at her smile! She was always, always smiling)

Thank you, I pray that peace finds all of us, and eventually joy comes knocking too☀️🌅🌻

It’s about to be one year since my dad passed away I honestly been trying to distract myself not allowing myself to mourn properly bc the memories hurt me so much takes me back to the days he was at the hospital the day I got the call from the hospital that my dad was dying it was not the news I was hoping to hear that morning I went to see him I had hopes that he was going to make it out alive bc he’s had near death experience before but survived them but it this time I went early Christmas shopping after and saw a movie that’s when my mom calls me on the phone crying and saying that my dad just died I get on the train 🚊 rushing to the hospital holding back tears and I saw his dead body I never thought I’d see a loved ones dying until that day the hardest part is I had already lost my brother a year prior we had to not only deal with 1 loss but 2 losses and not to mention the financial situation me and my mom are in right now

I am beyond devastated. Words cannot describe the pain, guilt, shame, regret, and deep sadness that I’m feeling right now. I broke up with him only a few weeks ago.

My friends and siblings only met him a few times but no one in my circle knew him, like really knew him, and now I feel so isolated and alone and I can’t help but think that one knows how I feel.

The only other person who would truly understand is his brother. He was the one who broke the devastating news to me yesterday, but he hasn’t been responding to my messages. He knows what happened and what was written in his letter, while I’m left not knowing any of it. Not having answers, especially from the one person who might be able to help me understand, is making it so much harder to process everything and just make sense of what’s happened.

I can’t believe the world has lost such a beautiful soul.

My grandpa died 4 months ago, his 67th birthday is coming on october 16 and i haven’t gotten much of a sleep ever since he passed because my mind keeps flashing the last image i have of him, which is when i saw him in the casket. I’ve tried to convince myself it’s just the same look as when i’d watch him sleeping every night but i can’t, when i close my eyes he’s there, very close to me, so still and empty, i don’t get past a few seconds before i open my eyes again quickly and sit up on the bed to brush it off me, i feel scared, lonely and my heart starts racing, sometimes i try even scratching my face or body with my nails because i get very anxious at the thought of my papa being dead and i wont stop crying or shaking until i get myself relaxed, i used to get sleepy when he’d hold me in his arms, now im even more scared of the darkness.

As i said, his birthday is soon to come and this week specifically has been a rough one for me, i haven’t been able to sleep the minimum amount of hours, i haven’t focused well on the many tests i have for school, im so damn irritated and i can’t stop crying at the littlest of things that i know i excuse with school being stressful, i miss him a lot, i wish he was still here because i feel i still had so much to learn from him, so much kisses and hugs i didn’t give him. I’m gonna hate my 16th birthday.

TW ⚠️On Saturday evening I found out I had lost a friend I knew online to suicide. I don’t know much about what happened because I didn’t want to pry too much as the people that reached out to me were closer to them. My friend had previously attempted 2 times before and had a lot of trauma from those events especially while hospitalized. It didn’t exactly come out of nowhere but I of course wasn’t expecting it. I talked to them every so often through social media, we’d message, I’d send videos, I’d like and comment on their posts. I even bought some things from their online shop.
I don’t know if I’m in shock or heartless but I feel like I’m not processing it right. I broke down that day and I find myself tearing up a bit but I feel my emotions dont adequately correlate to how much I cared for them.
I also feel really guilty that I wasn’t checking up on them enough like if I could have reached out more it would have made a difference. Most of all I wish I could have actually met them in person. I wish they knew I cared and that I considered them more than someone I knew online but as a real friend.
I want to do something for them, to honor their memory but I need some advice on what is appropriate? For example, they loved pigeons.
Thank you. 🫶

in january this year, my friend died. i was never told how he died and none of my other friends know. my entire grieving process I've been invalidated and i don't feel like I'll ever get over this. this was the first death I've experienced and ik i should be glad it didn't happen when i was younger but im a teen. i dont ever see anyone talking about their friends dying so, i dont know when i should get over it.

sorry edit: i also was the one who told my friend group he died. i checked in on anyone and nobody did that for me. im not friends with them anymore.

My sister, dad and mom all died in the span of 10 years. My sister died at 19, my dad killed himself 4 years later, my mom suddenly got diagnosed of cancer and died in the span of a few months, another 5 years after that. I'm the last survivor.

I don't even intend to be all tragic about it most of the time, life sucks but I've been lucky in multiple aspects, just as much, more like a bittersweet feeling; but the moment it comes up, people get such harsh whiplash that it stuns them, renders them speechless. Understandable, sure, but it's so alienating.

Even with the people closest to me the air feels so heavy with the reality of it. Often, there's just nothing to say about it. But it's such a gaping hole in me. My whole history, gone. Who am I now? Everyone that knew me in the most fundamental way is now dust and memories. Yeah, it may sound grandiose but for me it's just my reality and lived experience. I've resorted to almost always avoiding mentioning it just to save myself the discomfort.

I (25)F live with my parents. My mom has had this weird mass on her chin for years now and she refused to get it treated. Last year she started getting seizures and was hospitalized where they couldn't really diagnose her even after a biopsy.

My mom has this fear of hospitals and doctors due to which she didn't keep her diabetes in check. At the time of hospitalisation her blood sugar level was over 500.

She got the treatment there and got discharged but never really went for a follow up and continued taking on medicine.

She is retired now so she is home. She hides that lump on her face with a mask that she never takes off in front of me and my dad. But I can tell that it's growing.

This has been a topic of conflict in our house as both me and my dad can see she is wasting herself away. She doesn't cook that often or goes for walks to manage her blood sugar levels. She is eating below 1500 calories but her blood sugar is still around 500. She checks it alone and doesn't tell anyone the actual number just says that it's high.

I can see her get weaker and weaker by the day, whatever it is it's eating her away. Today I caught a peak from the side of her mask as it has grown the size of a tennis ball, and it was covered in blood.

No amount of discussions has helped. She refused to see a doctor. This has also taken a toll on my dad and he looks miserable everyday.

As bad as it sounds but I have tried convincing him quite a lot of times that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped and he should prepare for the worst but every time he says that he can't do that since we are family.

I don't have any siblings nor do I have any friends left. I don't know what to do and who to talk to. Because of their health and my family situation I never got a job so I stayed at home.

I want to run away from this situation but I can't because I have a dog who I can't leave behind and I don't think my dad will take it very well if something happens to her. I am stuck in a cycle where I can't help nor can I run away.

I have lost all motivation in life due to the environment in the house. I have no ambition, talent or skill to sustain my life by distancing myself from them.

I don't know if any of this made sense or even if it's the right place to post but I don't know. I have been preparing for the future grief since the last year and now it feels like it's getting close but I don't feel prepared at all

TLDR- my mom is refusing any medical help for an issue that is eating her alive and I am stuck in the middle.