r/GriefSupport • u/Smart-Conflict-6076 • 3h ago
Dad Loss My dad fucking died
Content warning: Sudden and unexpected death, heart attack, CPR and resuscitation attempts, graphic descriptions of a deceased loved one, organ donation, and traumatic grief.
This happened less than 48 hours ago, so everything is still incredibly fresh, and I’m still trying to process what the fuck happened.
Yep, my dad’s dead… 50 years old, on his 24th wedding anniversary, from a sudden heart attack with no symptoms beforehand. I don’t know how to cope. My mom, my sister, and I are devastated, but the worst part is that his parents are still alive and grieving the loss of their son. I don’t know what to do. I’m completely lost. He was our safety net for everything, and now, without him, I’m so scared of something happening to my mom and having to support my family by myself. I’m only 22, for Christ’s sake, and my sister is fucking 17… I don’t even know how to take care of my own finances, and I’m only working part-time while going to college…
I don’t know why I’m writing this post. I guess I just need to vent, as well as get some support from people other than my family at the moment. I don’t really have any friends, so no one other than my family and my dad’s friends is really there for me, and this whole thing has been extremely lonely for me, considering that I’m the only one in my immediate family who didn’t get a shit ton of messages from other people.
I was there when he died. We had lunch together, just me, my mom, and him, and he just got up and went to lie down on the couch because he felt like he was about to faint, and he just died right away, without any pain. He was making this weird snoring sound while breathing, and we thought he was still alive and just fucking with us for a few seconds before we moved him down to the floor and started doing CPR on him.
I saw him turn grey and the life drain from his eyes while my mom was doing mouth-to-mouth on him. The look on his face will haunt me until the day I die… His eyes were crossed and glazed over, with saliva dripping from his mouth. I thought he would get through this and that we’d laugh later about how scared he had made me and my mom, but half an hour later, the cops told us that the paramedics had done everything they could but weren’t able to bring him back.
I sobbed immediately and just fell to the ground in disbelief. I felt guilty at first. What if I didn’t do the chest compressions hard enough? Why did I wake up so late that day and not get to spend much time with him in the morning? Why did it have to happen on his wedding anniversary, after we had just had dinner as a family the night before to celebrate his 24 years of marriage to my mom?
Why, why, why… I don’t fucking know why. It was so sudden and unexpected that I can’t think rationally right now. I was just so relieved when the nurse said that he died right away, without any pain, and didn’t soil himself or anything. I thought he was in so much pain and struggling to breathe, and it gave me peace of mind knowing that he wasn’t.
We all went to the hospital afterward: me, my mom, my sister and her boyfriend, my mom’s parents and her brother, my dad’s parents and his sister, as well as my dad’s best friends in the whole world. We got to talk to his body one last time before they took him away for organ donation. He was already turning grey when we entered the room. His body was still slightly warm, and we got to hug him and kiss him as we said goodbye.
I’ve only ever seen and touched a dead body once in my life, and that was my great-grandmother at her funeral, so this was jarring, to say the least. I’m glad I got to say goodbye, though. I know I would have kicked myself later if I hadn’t. My mom didn’t want to leave him behind and put his wedding ring on her finger right away. It was so hard to leave him at the hospital because it looked like he was just sleeping on a hospital bed.
This whole thing is a nightmare, and I wouldn’t wish the unexpected death of a family member like this on anyone.
We got the call the next day that they had managed to harvest almost everything except his heart, of course. I’m happy that parts of his body will help others and save lives, but there’s a part of me that wishes he hadn’t been cut open and hollowed out like a carcass. But I try not to think about it. What’s done is done, and the next step is to cremate his body and find a funeral home for him.
My dad wasn’t a talkative or sensitive guy. He was a man of well-intentioned actions, and his presence will be missed at home. It’s hard to see his stuff everywhere. It’s even harder to see my mom wearing his clothes and putting a pillow under the covers on his side of the bed to cuddle at night.
And it’s even harder feeling like I’m the man of the house now… because I’m not. My dad was a mountain of a man, and I’m only an ounce of what he was. I’m forever going to miss him and his corny-ass dad jokes. I’m going to miss hearing him talk about his workday each night at supper and pretending to care about the sales he made that day. I’m even going to miss seeing him burp and fart at the table while my mom tells him to knock it off.
I wish I could have had one last talk with him around the fire, with a beer in hand. We didn’t talk heart-to-heart much, if ever, but I would have wanted to tell him that I love him and hug him before he died. We didn’t really do that much, and I’ll forever regret not hugging him after we had dinner together the night before.
Sorry for the long-ass post. I think I just needed to write everything down step by step so I wouldn’t forget, because I’m already forgetting things due to the trauma, I think.
Anyway, I love you, Dad, and I hope you’re fine wherever you are up there and watching over us. I can’t wait to see how many people show up for you at your funeral, including your family, friends, and coworkers. You deserve to rest now. So go on, take that nap, and I’ll see you soon. Hopefully not that soon, but we’ll see. Maybe that heart problem really is hereditary. I don’t fucking know anymore.
If any part of this post is too graphic or goes against the sub’s rules, I’m more than happy to edit it. I just needed somewhere to get all of this off my chest.
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u/dainty_petal Multiple Losses 1h ago
🩷 you did nothing wrong. My dad died like this too. The cpr worked but it was too late. He stop breathing for too long.
Take care of yourself. We will see them again but not yet.
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u/smorty8964 39m ago
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'm a few months ahead of you after my dad died from a heart attack in August and all I can say is I promise, although it won't be easy, it does start to feel easier, bit by bit x
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u/Diligent-Cabinet-770 3h ago
i read every word of this. you did everything right with the CPR, sometimes there is nothing anyone could do no matter how hard or fast. the guilt will try to eat you but its lying to you.
you don't have to be the man of the house now. you just have to be a son who lost his dad, and that is heavy enough. be gentle with yourself in the next weeks, eat something small even when you don't want to, and let people bring you food or sit with you in silence.