On October 12, 2017, I discovered my ex had been cheating on me for at least 10 years. We had been married 38 years. I thought we were happy all those years. Obviously, I was wrong. I kicked him out the following day. The next year on October 4, we divorced. I had a terrible time! This is the first year those two dates didn’t depress me. They weren’t even a blip of concern in my mind. I’m just here to say it’s a wonderful feeling.

My (M50) ex wife (F49) recently found out we’re having our first grandchild. She hasn’t spoken to our oldest in nearly 10 years and our youngest that is expecting has had a very distant relationship with her. They went nearly 6 years without talking. Ex chose to walk away after losing custody and spent a lot of that time claiming her only child was the one that came from the affair.

She is using the opportunity of a grandchild to weasel her way back into everyone’s lives. She kept calling and texting until I finally relented and asked why she was reaching out.

That where she talked about working together as grandparents. Not just getting along, but spending time together with the baby. She’s already planning trips together and wants me to get on board with all of it.

I was quick to point out that we don’t talk anymore and definitely aren’t on the delusional friendly terms she thinks we’re on. She acted like this was new information.

I went down her history and how she cheated. How she broke up multiple marriages during and after our divorce. Her denial that her own children existed. All the horrible things she did and said during our divorce and after. The things that she accused me of to hide her own affair. Her verbal abuse to both me and my kids during our marriage. The fact that she has tried on multiple occasions to sabotage my current marriage. Her general hate for my happiness.

Her only response was that I only focus on the negative. There is no positive. Outside of my two kids, I have nothing positive to say about the 16 years waisted with her. My kids went to therapy for years because of her. My oldest still has PTSD because of her. Hate is not a word I like to use when it comes to people, but I genuinely hate my ex.

Of course she flew off the handle when I brought up that there was zero consideration for my wife and her role. She said she’s “just a stepmother and a cheap replacement”. Before I hung up, I asked the question “then why was she the first person that was called to announce the pregnancy?”

I ended the call and have left it at that. I’m sure this isn’t over. Just came here to vent.

TL;DR. Daughter is having our first grandchild. Ex wife wants to grandparent together. Meaning just her and I spending time with the baby. She’s even expecting me to leave my wife behind to travel together. This is the longest conversation I have had with this woman in 8 years. She doesn’t want to acknowledge the past and I called my wife a cheap replacement. My wife (current) was the first person my daughter called to announce the pregnancy.

My ex-wife and I’s divorce was finalized this past August after a 2.5 year back and forth separation. Once the papers got signed she told me there was no reason to contact each other anymore and blocked me from any kind of contact. Even though we have no kids, I tried to tell her that we still have alot of things tied up together (House, vehicles, retirement, credit cards, etc…) and that wouldn’t be possible. She still did it anyway. Fast forward to now and she has tried to contact me twice within a two week period regarding various matters. The first time she reached out a little over a week ago, I responded back only to find out that she sent me the text then immediately blocked me again so I’m sure she never saw my response. Yesterday, she reached out again for a different reason. This time I didn’t respond nor do I plan too because it’s incredibly frustrating that now she feels she can get ahold me when it benefits her but when I needed to get ahold of her then I wasn’t able to. Am I being an asshole?

I (33F) started dating a guy (38M) over a month ago. We are both legally divorced. Mine finalized last April, his in February of this year.

On Sunday we were involved in a fender bender, and he had to take pictures of his car for insurance. I was slightly visible in one of the pictures. This car is intended for his daughter, so he shared the pictures with his ex wife. She became jealous of a woman being with him, and seeing that he could really be gone one day. She asked him to work on their relationship again. He, while he said he felt conflicted and manipulated, agreed.

I told him I was not going to beg a man to stay with me, but I am so disheartened by this. As a fellow member of the divorced community, while I genuinely hope it works out for their family, I really doubt that it will work out.

So, because I was partially visible in a picture, my relationship is over. Probably going to wait to jump back into the dating world again. I also don't know what I will do IF he comes back because he "made a mistake".

12 years married, 16 together, 3 kids - and I’m just not sad at all. Weirdly, I even pity my former spouse. I went through years of abuse- physical, emotional, financial, years of cheating, etc. and when I decided I was done I was just… done.

He made my life hell on earth, im talking ER visits, bruises, cuts, isolation, etc. and now im not only not sad, i actually feel bad for him. I dont mean “i feel bad and i should take him back”. I mean true pity- like an outsider looking in at an animal in a cage. He’s so crazy it feels other worldly. Am I crazy?

I've dealt with depression on and off since my twenties. I'm 39 now, separated for eight months, and living alone for the first time in almost 15 years.

I thought I knew how to handle my bad periods. I've been to therapy, I know my warning signs, I know what usually helps.

Apparently I was giving myself too much credit.

A couple weeks ago I started having trouble getting out of bed. Nothing dramatic. I was still going to work, answering emails, paying bills. Just letting everything else slide.

Then I realized I hadn't cooked an actual meal in nine days. There were three loads of clean laundry sitting in baskets because I couldn't be bothered to put them away. I'd stopped returning my sister's calls.

And nobody knew.

During our marriage, my husband would notice these things before I did. He'd ask why I was so quiet, or whether I'd eaten anything besides toast. Sometimes it annoyed me because I didn't want to be fussed over.

We had plenty of problems. I'm not rewriting our marriage into something wonderful just because I'm lonely. I don't even want him back.

But having another adult around meant there was someone who could see the difference between me being tired and me slowly shutting down.

Now I'm responsible for noticing that difference myself, at exactly the time when I'm least capable of noticing anything.

I mentioned this to a friend last weekend. She immediately offered to check in with me more often, which was incredibly kind. And my first reaction was embarrassment. I felt like a 39-year-old woman asking someone to make sure she'd eaten her vegetables.

I know that's not a fair way to look at it. I just hate how much ordinary stuff I've discovered I depended on another person for.

For those of you who live alone after divorce, especially if you've struggled with depression before, how do you catch yourself slipping before it gets bad?

I'm not looking for someone to replace my ex or manage my life. I just haven't figured out how to build that safety net without feeling like I'm becoming somebody else's responsibility.

Was it something someone said that resonated with you? Something you were watching? Or did you wake up one morning and say "I've had enough"?

I'm trying to understand what turned things around for other men after divorce. Whatever it was, big or small, I'd genuinely like to hear it.

I don't really have the energy to explain but it seems like my husband (34M) and I (34F) are hitting a wall with truly irreconcilable differences. For anyone who divorced where there was still love but things just weren't working, how did you cope? How can I learn to accept the end when I thought we'd build a life together? I feel so sad

Hey everyone. I’m 29F residing in Chicago suburbs. I’ve been wearing hijab (Muslim headscarf) my entire life and I just can’t do it anymore. I was raised in North America since I was 2 and I’ve never lived in any other continent. Everyone tells you hijab is a “choice” but it really isn’t. You are threatened if you don’t comply and if you don’t wear it right you are berated by your family and community. Not all Muslims are like that, it’s mainly Arabs. Others are more tolerant.

If you remove it you must bare the consequences. You can be shunned, threatened, you lose so many friends , you are an outcast. Anyway. I feel like I can’t do it anymore. I want to look normal and blend into the society I choose to live in. and I truly enjoy everything about the US ; the opportunities, the culture, the people . It also doesn’t make sense that men get to take their sweaters off when they’re hot, or blend in like everyone else while I have to suffer.

My point of this rant is that if I move forward with this, I believe my husband will want a divorce. That said, I am a bit scared. I have a full time job. I don’t make as much as my husband. I make $75k/year and he makes around $250k/year. I have a 1 year old with a severe condition that requires a lot of medical attention. I also pay a lot on a nanny because I can’t put my son in daycare due to his lung disease. Even if I do, daycare is expensive . Part of me wants him full time but the other part of me thinks it’s unfair and I need split custody so I can focus on growing my career again.

I’m scared of what’s to come. I’m worried I won’t be able to afford a reasonable home, a car to take my son to his appointments , I’m scared of starting from scratch. Not being able to afford groceries. I’m worried my son will feel unstable because of the choice I made.

But I also feel so young. I want to live my life. I wasted 20 years trying to please everyone around me. I wasn’t brave enough to make this decision when I was younger and I don’t want to have regrets when I’m older. But I’m worried the divorce process will drain me financially.

I know $75k is not bad but I’ve never had to support anyone on this salary and every time I do the math, I’ll hardly make it by.

I feel so defeated. Idk for a fact if this will lead to divorce but I’m 99% sure it will. My husband was open about his dealbreakers before we got married and covering was part of it and I didnt think much of it because that’s what I currently did so it wasn’t a big deal.

But it is a big deal and I’m over it.

I guess i just want guidance on what I should expect if we do get divorced and how I should navigate it. I don’t have any family here and I feel alone.

We’re in couples counselling either way so I’ll probably bring it up this week.

My ex seems annoyed that I’m not visibly destroyed by our separation. The truth is, I spent 15 years living in a very poor rural country, and it completely changed my perspective on life. Unless I’m seriously sick, in danger, or facing real homelessness, I consider myself okay. she expects me to suffer more; she wants me to suffer and be distraught. She hates when the kids talk about my mood and the fun and light things we do.

I came across a video on twitter of a woman talking about how she wants to be financially stable before getting divorced and I keep thinking about it. I can see that divorce can be expensive and I completely understand not wanting to leave a marriage without having enough money to support yourself especially if you’ve been financially dependent on your spouse for years.

But then I started thinking about it from the other person’s perspective. Imagine finding out your husband or wife had already decided the marriage was over and spent months/years saving up money to leave while you were still making plans for your future together. I feel like the circumstances matter a lot like trying to get out of an abusive or financially controlling relationship is a different situation from someone who simply doesn’t want to deal with the financial consequences of divorce yet… but I still think it’s a little messed up. Idk… would you feel betrayed if you found out your spouse had been secretly preparing financially to leave you? Or do you think everyone has the right to make sure they’re financially secure before ending a marriage regardless of whether their partner knows?

This shit fucking sucks. Regardless of the pain associated with the marriage itself, all of the manipulation, the emotional abuse, the withholding I love you’s, the absolute shitstorm that we were, we still made a vow. And I can’t get the image of how hopeful and lovely she was on our wedding day out of our mind. It feels something akin to opening my chest without anesthetic. I’m crushed as a person. I feel like a failure.

But I know tomorrow is a brighter day. I also acknowledge my failures in this marriage. My transgressions. The time I was a bad husband. We were never meant for each other. But this hurts so fucking bad.

We’ll go to the courts tomorrow and sign off on a failed love. We’ll attest to the court that we couldn’t cut it. And if feel every bit like the failure that I do right now. But I know it’s best for both of us. And I’m trying to remind myself that.

Tonight is bourbon and a cigar night I suppose. Here’s to better Tuesdays to come.

Heartbroken

My husband and I have been fighting a lot, we've always had problems but tonight he's said he's sure he wants a divorce. We are officially separated. He listed all of the women he should have married instead.

We have multiple children together and I love him so much. But hes done.

I don't know if I can pull through this, I love him and he's my rock. I'm devastated

Divorced (m 47). No kids. We got 2 dogs before we got married. One dog died suddenly shortly after separation(. We took turns watching the other dog. Her health unfortunately took a bad turn last week. After talking, we decided best decisions is to let her cross the rainbow bridge. She'll be 12 in December but not herself. It's hitting even harder because she is the last link between us. Although we are divorced, we are on good terms (her mom still loves me). She has a son from a previous marriage and we get along. I still care about her as a person. She did a lot of good things for me when we were married (she went above and beyond during my mom's cancer) I'm happy we are no longer married, but I don't hate her. Wish her success. Kind of feeling really weird. I am dating someone, but she doesn't understand you can still friends and not hate each other (she didn't like the exchange in person)

Young or old, first marriage or a second ( . . . ), good days or bad days, kids or empty nesters, employed or unemployed: there are too many variables and too many unknowns.

Life is unpredictable and I truly believe that most people begin marriages with the best intentions.

I will continue to assume that humans enter relationships hoping for forever. I hope that any humans that want to achieve happiness in their relationships, have happiness in their relationships.

Love overcomes all obstacles.

My husband (32M) and I (33F) have been together for fifteen years, married for 8. During these 8 years, we’ve dealt with a multitude of challenges. These include infidelity and addiction (on his part) and lack of intimacy and depression (on mine).

It’s been.. a lot. I’ve been unhappy for a few years but at this point we’ve got two children (5 and 22 months) which complicates things. Aside from that, I love him. I know he has his issues but I want to help him. I’ve always thought that he would get past the usage and that he would grow out of his unsavory habits. And I’ve been here to love and support him through them.

He went to rehab over summer and when he came home, things were great for a few weeks. And then he relapsed and it’s been awful since. I will support him in his recovery but I will not support him in his addiction. And it seems like he’s choosing that.

He’s now telling me that he essentially wants a divorce. And I know that I have every reason to want the same, but I just don’t. I want us to both be happy. I just want us to be happy together which seems more unlikely by the day. But dang, it’s all I want.

Anyway, I’m heartbroken and everything hurts. I know it’ll get better one day but right now, everything hurts.

If you have any advice, words or wisdom, a funny from your week, I’d appreciate them. I’ve had one of the worst weeks of my life over here 😅

I am in the end stages of getting my divorce finalized and one of the biggest concerns was that my STBX(active duty) and I(veteran) have a joint VA home loan under her entitlement but in both our names.

The plan so far is that I get to keep the house without refinancing and that she will sign over her rights to the house and the deed will be in my name only. I have called the loan officer multiple times to get an understanding of if this is possible and if it means that I would still have my entitlement later on if i decide to move and rent out the house.(She is staying active duty and we have 2 small children together so there is a chance that she may get orders and expects me to follow her and the kids to the next duty station. we currently have 50/50 custody and i dont know what to expect when the time comes and she does get orders somewhere else).

Is there anything i should be considering before finalizing the divorce? we have about 1 month left before out 1 year separation is over and we can finalize. (Zero chance of reconciliation).

Buckle up for the absolutely wild ride that this marriage has been.

To be honest, we never should have gotten married, but they pushed for it. They have been the one consistently pushing the relationship forward. (My spouse uses they/them pronouns, to be clear.) I want to be very clear about this aspect of their personality: they demand things, and they get them when they eventually break me down. We've been married a little over 6 years.

I haven't been a good partner. I have criticized, I have yelled, and I have had my own mental health struggles. I don't connect well emotionally. I'm just a paycheck. I haven't put a lot of care into the relationship. I don't think much about their needs or get them thoughtful gifts or surprises just because. I'm selfish and need to be right. I resent them because I people please and then hate myself.

Eventually, they "broke up" with me, though we were still married. We decided I'm aromantic and asexual and that's why I can't be what they need in a relationship. (is this actually true? I don't know, other than that I'm so broken right now that I can't possibly conceive of ever being in a relationship again.) We decided that we'd stay best friends and still be married. I would continue to financially support them, as they are semi-disabled and not really able to work regularly or get their own health insurance.

But the past year to year and a half have been absolutely unbearable. My spouse fell in love with a member of a well known rock band and is convinced they had a love at first sight moment and that this man loves them back. At a meet & greet we attended, the band member followed my spouse on social media after they asked him to look at some of their work and offered to follow.

I could get further into the details, but what it boils down to is a full blown, obsessive parasocial relationship where they believe this man is communicating signals via social media (despite never once having even opened the DM they sent), complete with regular episodes of suicidal ideation as time goes on and there's no direct contact. Every time I have challenged the idea of these signals, they have a meltdown and have threatened suicide. So I just kept confirming their beliefs. And no, I never had them put on a psych hold, just tried to get them through the episodes myself, but I have asked them many times to go to therapy and offered to pay for it. They refuse, or say they think they should get a therapist but never get around to it.

On top of this, they decided to move states so they could be closer to where this man lives to have the chance of running into him. In an apartment that I pay for (in addition to our mortgage). They call it "alimony" that they feel entitled to. In addition, they guilt me into staying on the phone for hours upon hours on a daily basis to obsessively ruminate about his moves online and what that means for their relationship.

Yes, I have a therapist. Yes, I have been trying to work through this. I have tried repeatedly to set boundaries and failed to hold them. Even though I suck, I don't want bad things to happen to them. I want them to be healthy and okay. I care about them in my own way. I still think of them as my best friend, even though I've pulled away more emotionally and don't share much about my own life anymore.

And that's what hurts the most. We've been through so much together and do still share a lot of interests and beliefs. But this is draining me of everything I have, having to fully fund their life and have a 30 hour/week unpaid job as their ruminations sounding board while I drain my remaining savings to pay for everything. Yes, I'm a fucking doormat, but divorcing will actually be me putting up a hard boundary for once.

Surely, any reasonable person reading this would understand my reasons for wanting a divorce, but I still feel awful, guilty, and responsible for them. I will lose a significant chunk of my retirement, the house I dumped nearly my entire life savings into renovating, or possibly both. They will surely tell me that I am sentencing them to homelessness and death when I tell them I am divorcing them.

I am on a deadline and I need to hit send on the email to the lawyer to have them served. I wanted to be brave enough to tell them this wasn't working for me and I can't do it anymore before I had them served. I don't know if I can. They can tell I am acting a bit weird. I have been lying for months now about my plans to divorce them, even as they threaten to leave my life forever if I don't take the time to address every moment of panic they have about their "relationship." I am sure they will drive right back here and flip out. (I actually forced myself to instruct my lawyer to file while with my therapist after a couple of absolutely insane incidents this summer.) I will have a bag packed in case I need to leave.

I really didn't want things to turn out this way. I really hoped they would give up on this "relationship" and we could find a way to heal. But now it's time to blow our lives up so I can have some hope for my own future, a future where I don't exist solely to support this person.

Edit: hit send on the email because they called me stupid on the phone. It's always anger that gets me to move forward in this process.

My wife and I were together 17 years before she left. I’m autistic/neurodivergent (sensory overload, executive function problems, social anxiety, trouble with social cues), and she took on most of the work of keeping our life stable. I won’t pretend that wasn’t a big part of why it worked, or why it ended.

Since then I’ve been in and out of shelters, motels, and my car. I’m a very domestic person. I like chores, routine, and partnership, and I did well in marriage. Without it I haven’t been able to keep a home, a job, or any security. I tried putting myself out there online, offering to share my heart and my income in exchange for companionship, and no one was interested. Now I’ll probably have to give up my cat, which is breaking my heart.

I’m at a really low point and some days I don’t want to go on. Mostly I feel alone with this. If you’ve gone through divorce after a long marriage, especially if you’re neurodivergent or lost your stability along with your spouse, I’d love to hear how you got through the first few years. And if you’re willing to just talk, I’d be grateful. Sometimes I really do think I'd rather just die than accept 40 more years of shelters and my own backseat.

We broke up two weeks ago, I ended up in the hospital for suicidal ideations and am now trying to get two months to pack and get a job. My dad is willing to help with first and last for the new place I don't want to take him up on it unless I have a job. My mom has offered a cross country 3 months timeline in a new city. I'm on new meds and wondering if there's any advice for living with a recovering from surgery, depressed trans women?

https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/1x48urz/wife_just_dropped_the_bombshell/

Sorry for posting so much but don't have anyone to talk to at the moment.

After more discussions , I have to add i'm being incredibly calm around her but in utter shock. What she is now proposing is we live together until my son finishes school in June 2027 and then she moves into this apartment that doesn't exist yet.

Something I can't get my head around and basically pretend nothing is wrong.

This whole thing came out of nowhere so I'm really not prepared. We didn't argue absolutely nothing. I was recently away on holiday with my son and she had her friend staying, who recently divorced her husband (who is a friend of mine). The stuff she is coming out with is almost a carbon copy of what my friend was told. So she's got in her head.

Just had to get that rant in writing so it leaves my head for a while.

I’ve been divorced 10yr and remarried 4 years ago. I have 2 biological kids from my first marriage , he has 1 son from his previous marriage. We just had our first baby together 6 months ago and our cat had been pooping and peeing outside the litter box. We tried everything with her: feliaway, isolation area for her to be safe in, holding and petting more, anxiety meds. We took her to the vet to ensure it was not medical.

After all exhausted options were tried, we surrendered her to the humane society (local humane societies wouldn’t take her, so we had to drive about an hour out to find a humane society with room)…

Fast forward 3 weeks later my stepson calls my husband to talk and starts saying how they adopted a cat—a cat he knows. A cat he raised as a kitten. Our cat, the one we just gave up.

What do you make of this behavior?

I will note: Stepson’s mother, the baby momma did this and We’re not on speaking terms with her and have had $40k plus litigation with her because she’s refused to support her son’s neurodivergent symptoms while also blaming us for his challenges.

I’m considering a divorce for many reasons but today really made me stop and seriously consider pulling the trigger. My husband has a real problem when I’m not home with the kids at 5 when he gets home. It used to be a huge battle every time I went too see my mom(2-3 times a year) because she lives about 2 hours away with traffic and I always wanted to leave her house around 7p to avoid traffic. Over the years, I have really adjusted our life to obey this preference. Well-today my kids really wanted to go to the pumpkin patch and I was on the phone with my husband at 2:30 saying we were headed there. I got to the patch at 3 and the kids were having the time of their life. At 4:45p I get a text asking where I am. I say the pumpkin patch. He texts back he’s upset I’m not home. I get home at 6:30p. He’s not home. He gets home at 7:30p. I try to talk to him, give hugs, he pushes me away. Basically ignoring me now and telling me I’m inconsiderate for not being home. I told him, I’m home every day and can’t even remember the last time I stayed out past 5.

I really need yo hear it if I’m wrong here. This just feels so suffocating but maybe I’m just a brat?