She was 41. I don’t even know what I’m looking for but it’s blowing my mind. There’s only a couple hundred reported kratom deaths. There will likely be way more as time goes on. Out of the 8 billion people on this planet my mom is one of the couple hundred. My heart hurts and I’m a little mad at her. I don’t wanna be but she knew it was going to kill her and she couldn’t stop. The withdrawals were too bad and she was scared of rehab. I knew she wanted to be clean and she was trying her best. And to those cops and everyone else who worked on her she’s just another statistic to a growing problem. But to me she was my mom who went through way more than she should’ve. She deserved so much more in life and always got the short end of the stick and did what she could to get by and not feel all her pain. I just miss my mom.

He died December 23rd 2022 after 4 months in over 17 heart attacks his last words to me were Richard I love you. I just want everyone to know that no matter what happens in the future don't take people for granted!

I used to think grief meant slowly healing until one day, you’re finally okay again. But now, I’m starting to think that maybe that’s not how it works.

My dad passed away recently, and I’m realizing that life really does go on, even when a part of you feels like it shouldn’t. People go back to work, laugh at jokes, make plans, eat their meals, and carry on with their lives. And you do, too. You find yourself laughing at something, enjoying a moment, or going about your day, then suddenly remember that the person you want to tell about it is no longer here.

I think that’s one of the strangest things about grief. You can be okay for a moment, but that doesn’t mean you’re okay with what happened. You can accept that someone is gone without ever being okay with the fact that they’re gone.

And maybe that’s what makes grief so difficult. There’s no actual finish line. No day when you wake up and suddenly stop missing them. You just learn to carry the absence, even as life continues to ask things of you.

I don’t want to rush myself into healing, either. If this pain stays with me for a long time, then so be it. I don’t want to measure my healing by how quickly I can go back to being the person I was before. That person had my dad in his life. Of course I’m going to be different now.

Maybe someday, the pain will feel different. Maybe some memories will make me smile more than they make me cry. But for now, I think it’s okay to not be okay.

I’m curious about those who have lost someone they deeply love. Does grief ever really get easier, or do you just become better at carrying it? And how do you learn to live a life that you still want to enjoy, even when there’s someone you wish could still be here to enjoy it with you?

I lost my mom on September 23rd, and I’ve been having a really difficult time trying to process everything that happened.

A little background: My mom was hospitalized in mid-September after developing neurological symptoms. Imaging revealed multiple lesions in her brain, believed to be an aggressive form of brain cancer, likely glioblastoma. The disease was extensive and inoperable, and she deteriorated incredibly quickly. There wasn’t even enough time to get a definitive diagnosis through a biopsy.

She passed away peacefully in the hospital on September 23rd, with me and my two sisters by her side.

Everything happened so fast. In what felt like the blink of an eye, we went from trying to understand what was happening to being told there was nothing that could be done. I don’t think I’ve even begun to fully process how traumatic and overwhelming those days were, let alone the fact that she’s actually gone.

Since then, some days have been manageable, and others have been incredibly difficult. This morning, I was walking through my house and glanced at a photograph of my mom and me from a recent trip we took to North Carolina. I smiled when I saw it, remembering that moment together. But almost immediately afterward, I had this sudden, visceral feeling of panic. It was the realization that I’ll never be able to talk to her again. I’ll never be able to call her, hear her voice, tell her about my day, ask her advice, or make another memory with her.
It’s difficult to explain because I know she’s gone. I was there when she passed. I understand what happened. But sometimes it’s like my brain suddenly realizes the permanence of it all over again, and the feeling is almost unbearable.

I think that’s one of the hardest parts for me right now. The finality of it. Knowing that no matter how much time passes or how badly I want to, I can never have another conversation with my mom.

The unpredictability of grief has also been really difficult. I can be going about my day, feeling relatively okay, and then something seemingly insignificant completely unravels me. It’s exhausting, and sometimes I feel like I’m just going through the motions of everyday life while trying to comprehend something that still doesn’t feel real.

I also find myself struggling with how quickly life continues moving forward. The rest of the world carries on as normal, but my entire world has changed. It’s hard to reconcile those two things.

I miss my mom terribly. I miss knowing she was there. And I hate that I have to figure out how to live the rest of my life without her.

I know it’s only been a few weeks, and I know grief isn’t linear. I guess I just wasn’t prepared for how physically and emotionally overwhelming it could be, or how suddenly the reality of losing someone can hit you. For those who have experienced a sudden loss, especially of a parent, did you experience these moments of panic or disbelief? Does the permanence of their absence ever become easier to comprehend?

I don’t expect to ever stop missing my mom. I just hope that someday I can look at a picture of us, smile, and hold onto the happiness of that memory without immediately feeling the crushing weight of knowing she’s gone.

Our boy was four, and had a history of health issues: two urinary blockages not far apart from each other about two years ago, and upper respiratory issues his whole life.

I had just finished him on a round of clavamox, but due to our finances being really sensitive right now and also not wanting to cause him unneccesary stress by a vet visit -- its been a long time since he was thoroughly seen by a vet.

The day before we left town for the weekend, I felt like he was breathing fast. But he was alert and eating and drinking normally and not exhibiting any other odd behaviors so I tried to assuage my worry.

But then - we get a call while we are away that our roommate came home to find him stiff. Dead. Eyes and mouth wide open. Drool all around him, and his back legs wet and spiky from what had to be furious licking in pain.

I don't think there's any way he could have died peacefully in his sleep because of the state of his back legs being all wet and spiky and his mouth and eyes wide open.

I hate the idea that he died in pain all alone. And that maybe, if I had taken him to the vet, this could have all been averted. Maybe they could have detected a urinary blockage or a heart issue.

Its been about 36 hours since we found out our boy was gone forever. We are destroyed. And I feel terrible not just biting the bullet and taking him in. we didn't even meet the deductible for his insurance this year, even with adding in the cost of cremating.

Why couldn't I have made the sacrifice for him financially? And possibly spared his life? What is wrong with us?

I have taken him to the ER in the past when I was worried, and as a result saved his life (two urinary blockages)

I know my partner and I both came from backgrounds where pets were rarely taken in to the vet. Maybe it was just that part of our upbringing, combined with our current financial insecurity, that reared it’s ugly, ugly head. but we had INSURANCE. wtf was I thinking

i feel like i am in hell. i can’t do this

My brother was always the perfect, straightforward kid. He was always religious and never swore. At the end of September police came to his home to arrest him and search the house. He immediately paid bail. 6 days later he was found. I’ve been trying for over a week to find any arrest record to get any kind of info on what he was found with or going to be charged of. He had three kids.

I thought arrest warrants or records were public information but I cannot find anything other than his arrest for speeding in the 90s. It’s so hard not knowing what was found to mourn. Cp is such a horrific thing. The difference in how I at least mourn is huge between something involving a child in person or downloading pics. Both are not ok but I hope this makes sense. He was an amazing man, father, and husband so this was so out of the blue. I can give more info if needed, for now I’ll just give the general location due to the legality differences between states. Washington state, USA.

Where do I go? Where should I look? Who do I ask?

Due to him having a wife and kids I do not qualify as immediate family. I do not want to pester his wife with this as she’s going through so much.

He had life insurance but was 4 months short of the 2 year period where if one died by suicide they do not qualify. His wife has been a stay at home mom for their three kids for 18 years. There is a go fund me I may add. Only one kid has graduated.

His viewing is tomorrow. He is being cremated and we will have the option to write something on the box. If you have any general ideas that would be appreciated. He was my baby brother. He was sick but was family.

A year ago today was one of the worst days of my life. When my Dad passed I remember grasping for anything that would try to help me feel better about it. Like how he would tell me he never feared death because he had done everything he wanted to do in life and he knew that he raised me well enough to take care of myself. Nothing really worked that made his passing hurt any less and to this day nothing does. It's the most impactful thing to ever happen to me. The one thing that has been helpful in dealing with my grief has been recognizing that all of the pain, sadness, regret and sorrow I had felt, felt as immense as they were exactly because of how immense my father's love was. His lifetime of love, sacrifice, and support to ensure I had a better upbringing than the one he had created a hole in me that I couldn't comprehend until he passed. While I feel his absence every day, I've learned to appreciate that sadness. His love persists in every time and every place I grieve where it once was. I'll never get over losing my Dad and I would never want to. I remain grateful and happily devastated. I love you Dad and I miss you so much. I'm so lucky to be your son.

Here is my mom I’m 23 her oldest child ❤️ she died in 2019 she was 35 years old she has six children including me. I joined this community because I just needed somewhere to cope

I don't even know where to begin, i'm completely heartbroken

I've been grieving my dad for years, and I don't really know where else to put these feelings, so I thought I'd post here.

My dad died when I was really young, either a few weeks before I was born or sometime around then. I'm not entirely sure, and there's still so much I don't know about him because my mum finds it really painful to talk about him.

From what I've managed to find out, he was in his early twenties and struggled with some serious mental health issues. He was never formally diagnosed, but apparently he showed signs of something like schizophrenia. He believed the world was going to end in 2010, and from what I've been told, that's what led to him going into the ocean and trying to end his life. Apparently, he changed his mind at the last second and tried to stop, but he ended up drowning.

I genuinely wish things had been different for him. I wish he could've gotten the help he needed, and I wish he was still here.

One of the things that hurts the most is seeing old photos of him on my relatives' Facebook pages. I get so jealous sometimes because they actually got to see him, and I didn't. They got to know him, see him in person, and have memories with him. I look at photos of my own dad and think about how unfair it is that his own little girl never even got the chance to meet him.

I get so frustrated with the world because of it. He was my dad. I was his daughter, and I never got to experience any of the things that people take for granted with their fathers. I never got to hear his voice, know what his laugh sounded like, find out what kind of person he was, or make any memories with him. I don't even know what our relationship would've been like.

And as much as I grieve not knowing him, I'm also scared of him in a way, or more specifically, scared of what happened to him happening to me.

I've struggled with my own mental health. I've experienced hallucinations, panic attacks, and other things that have genuinely frightened me. Sometimes, I worry about what they mean, and finding out more about my dad has made those fears so much worse.

I know he was never formally diagnosed with anything, and I know I can't say for certain what he was dealing with, but I can't help wondering if there's a chance I'll end up struggling with the same things he did. I'm scared of my hallucinations getting worse, scared of losing my grip on what's real, and scared of experiencing the kind of pain he must have been going through.

I'm scared of all of it, honestly.

It's such a strange feeling to be scared of becoming like someone you desperately wish you could've known. I want to know him so badly, but at the same time, I'm frightened that we might share some of the same struggles. I wish I could ask him about his life, what he experienced, and what he was like before everything happened. I wish I could talk to him about what I've been going through and know whether he'd understand.

I hate that I have so many questions that I'll never get to ask him.

I also feel like I can't really talk to my mum about him because it hurts her so much, and I don't blame her for that. I just wish I had somewhere to put all of this grief, because sometimes it feels like I'm grieving someone I never knew while also grieving the entire life we never got to have together.

I don't know if anyone else understands what I mean. I feel like people might not understand how you can miss someone you've never met, but I really do miss him. I miss the dad I never got to know, and I miss the possibility of what we could've had.

I don't want advice or anyone to tell me what I should do. I just want to be heard and understood by people who might know what this feels like.

I wish I could've met my dad. I wish he was still here. And I wish I didn't have to be so scared of what my own future might look like without ever getting to ask him about his.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from posting this. I think I just want to be heard and understood by people who might know what this feels like, especially people who've lost a parent they never got the chance to know.

I apologize for this being so long. This photo of my dad is from the late 2000s, its the only decent one I have of him.

My grandpa died 4 months ago, his 67th birthday is coming on october 16 and i haven’t gotten much of a sleep ever since he passed because my mind keeps flashing the last image i have of him, which is when i saw him in the casket. I’ve tried to convince myself it’s just the same look as when i’d watch him sleeping every night but i can’t, when i close my eyes he’s there, very close to me, so still and empty, i don’t get past a few seconds before i open my eyes again quickly and sit up on the bed to brush it off me, i feel scared, lonely and my heart starts racing, sometimes i try even scratching my face or body with my nails because i get very anxious at the thought of my papa being dead and i wont stop crying or shaking until i get myself relaxed, i used to get sleepy when he’d hold me in his arms, now im even more scared of the darkness.

As i said, his birthday is soon to come and this week specifically has been a rough one for me, i haven’t been able to sleep the minimum amount of hours, i haven’t focused well on the many tests i have for school, im so damn irritated and i can’t stop crying at the littlest of things that i know i excuse with school being stressful, i miss him a lot, i wish he was still here because i feel i still had so much to learn from him, so much kisses and hugs i didn’t give him. I’m gonna hate my 16th birthday.

Coming here for some support. I lost my mom to cancer last October and we are almost at her 1 year. She was my everything and best friend and now that the dust and shock has settled I am having a hard time with grieving and feel like it's drowning me and consuming my mind. I was her caregiver and her cancer was very traumatic but she ended up using maid and choosing her death. I know she went to sleep and on her own terms and it was peaceful over a car accident, massive heart attack or stroke and for that I am forever grateful. She declined very fast and had stage 4 esophagus cancer. She did 2 rounds of chemo and some radiation, but every time she did chemo it almost killed her so she stopped and it kept spreading. She was tube fed since her diagnosis which was extremely hard and caused multiple infections and pain to her. She couldn't use the washroom alone and I had to change her. She was on high pain medication but still in agony. She was slowly going in the mind too and she would break down and cry saying she didn't want to go and It was terrible to watch. A few days before her passing she said she couldn't do it anymore and chose maid. She picked a Tuesday where she knew we would all be off work and by her side. My brothers and I held her hands while my Dad held her body. We all sobbed and she passed in our arms. I was dealing with addiction and a break up of a 6 year relationship who I thought I was going to marry. All of this piled onto loosing the woman who gave me life was extremely hard to manage. She was fed up with my alcohol addiction and was probably upset at me when she passed. I decided to go to rehab last December and I am almost a year sober and have completely revamped my life. I put boundaries in place with friendships, my ex and myself. I did not go back to him and finally feel free, but with all of this I am grieving her so badly. This tremendous growth in the last year has made me wish she was here to see the new me. The holidays are beyond hard and everything reminds me of her and what our family once was. We are all still very close and we take care of my dad and I am living with him to make sure he can get through this process but nothing is the same. I just want my mom back. I feel homesick for a person and a place that doesn't exist anymore. I see older people and wonder why it couldn't be her? if there is a god why did he take her at 68. She had a hard life and went through so much and I just feel like she got gipped out. Everyone else gets their mom for years to come and I don't. I feel hopeless and alone and I just want her back. Has anyone else lost their mom?

My Dad passed suddenly and under extremely terrible circumstances on 10/01. I have not felt anything since. Small waves of tears and just numbness. The only emotion that flares up is anger. Anger gives way to the absolutely empty numb feeling.

Im a Mom to a little girl, I have a full time job. I can barely eat or motivate myself to do more than sleep and watch TV. I want to be there for my daughter.. do a fall activity, take a walk with her. I just also dont want to face the world or live in this world anymore. I feel such profound guilt, and self hate. Yes, I have a therapist I speak to, I know this sounds like depression and everything is so fresh.

I was just wondering what helped after? I usually exercise when I feel bad.. but who the heck wants to work out right now.

I lost the woman who was the safe space in my childhood 8 weeks ago.

Sorry I just can’t help it, but of course please feel free to skip the story

It was & wasn’t sudden. I hate that inevitable question. She had lung cancer, which already felt so unfair- she never smoked, I saw her drink once my entire life. But it got better, she got better, she rang her bell! No more cancer!
I visited and I KNEW this time that it wouldn’t be the last time I saw her, I went home so happy, so relieved she was getting so much stronger, she looked like herself again!
9 months later, I was going to see her in not even three weeks; until she got sick, just sick, not cancer, not something terrible and evil this time, she was just sick.
She aspirated while vomiting and then she was in the hospital,
myself and my brother & her youngest son out of state, my brother now trying to find out if she’ll recover or should he get a flight now, myself holding hope she’ll wake up, her youngest son leaving the military to desperately trying to make it in time.
He doesn’t, we don’t.
The eldest two step out of the room while her church choir sings her amazing grace & the second they are out of the room she is gone.

This is a photo of my beautiful fiancé, myself and Allison. (Not in that order exactly)

Allison was the only person who I never saw drunk, I never saw aggressive, who always met Everyone & Everything with love.
My childhood home was scary at times.
But allison’s was cozy and warm and full of love Always.
And I was always welcome,
more importantly my baby brother was always welcome.
She picked me up & dropped me off at school from ages 13-16, (graduated early) And on and off in the years before that.
She was the only adult in my life, who noticed something was wrong when I was being SA by a teacher in middle school,
she brought my highschool band fruit on the days it was my turn to bring in,
she wasn’t my mother & yet she came to performances, invited me in and over when something happened , i never had to say anything, she just knew
I never had to explain myself, no matter the hour I showed up at her house with my brother & an overnight bag, she was SO excited to see him every time, I can still see her face lighting up to see us & telling us to come in.

But now she’s gone.
I feel like something is MISSING. Like in the world. And I don’t even f-ing know what it is & I do at the same time.
I keep thinking “why is this so hard??! It’s not like we talked every day” and “I’m an adult who lives 770 miles from her now, it’s not like anything in my daily life is different”
But something is just gone
maybe it’s the deep down thinking and knowing that no matter what happened I had this special safe person who loved me so much for NO REASON!! (Maybe after typing all this I have some fear that I will never experience love like hers again)
Just loved me, my siblings, gave me & them a safe place & endless, unconditional love is just gone now. And I will never get that back and I will never get Her back

Sorry, here’s the part I think I really need advice with.

how I am supposed to keep like,, living
I survive, I eat, have water, tea even, I still went on my trip that was planned two weeks after she passed on, I go to work, I walk my dog. I’m “living”.

But I don’t find joy in my hobbies, my passions, I’ve found are now hard to pursue.
And that worries me even more because ALL she ever wanted was for us to be happy.
I’m in therapy, I was before as well. I’ve tried going back to basics, but even when I do get some joy out of it, it feels different now, I feel different now.

I think I’m really making this post because my fiancé made a comment about how
“you’re waiting for your sparkle to come back and you just need to start doing things again”

and I know she mostly means continuing to post on my socials, which before this was one of my favorite things to do! I had such high hopes and I still love the small community I have abandoned; let my drafts run out & stopped posting or hell, even f-ing opening, the apps since she passed.
But even if I vaguely want to i just very much feel like “what the fuck is the point???”
What is the point, what’s the point!!!!!

And I love my fiancé, and I love my job and I love my hobbies and I know this.

But right now, even if I can see the point objectively of “the point is there is still life to be lived here & Allison would want you to have the best life you can”

I don’t really FEEL like that in my body. I want to live & be happy for her, for myself, for my bride-to-be.

I’ve tried retracing the steps that I took like in my early adulthood to rediscover myself & I just,, it didn’t help.
I don’t want to pursue anything anymore,
I just want to keep living, but Jesus,
all I do in my downtime is cry, scroll, or look at photos. I force myself a few times a week to try at least 3 of my passions/hobbies.
But it’s not feeling any better.
I have days where I go “yeah! I really want to post/model/hike/write/game today!”
And then the time comes to go do it and I just, I don’t even know,
I went to type out “I think to myself” but I don’t think even.
It’s like I get hit with a beam of “we live in a world without allison” and I just, I don’t know, I want to live & be happy and grow in life for her & myself.
But I just can’t bring myself to do anything that feels like growth right now & I don’t know what to do, I hate the feeling of stagnation, and I feel so guilty just sitting and doing jack, not being productive, barely even doing the minimum to keep living & honestly if I lived alone idek how much of THAT I’d be doing.

OKAY (sry also) TRUE TL;DR

If you “found your sparkle” again after it felt like someone put matte spray on anything that glimmered,
please let me know what I can do to start living right again. I hate being this version of myself, but I worry it may just be me now.

Is there any kind of timeframe? My therapist says it’s still pretty new & no matter how long it is I will always have some sadness in my chest knowing she’s not here.
But how do I start feeling more just grateful that I got to be loved by her & less like nothing has a point because I’ll never walk up those steps & see her bright smile as the door opened (please look at her smile! She was always, always smiling)

Thank you, I pray that peace finds all of us, and eventually joy comes knocking too☀️🌅🌻

Lost my wife of almost 5 years to a rare cancer, we've been together 17 years. She was 43, I've been her caregiver as well as her husband since we found out she had this about a year ago. She was the love of my life and now I feel lost, this is so difficult. I'm alone in a house filled with reminders of her. It's only been 2 weeks but it feels like forever, I miss her so much. Everyday is a struggle. I got an appointment with a therapist Thursday, hopefully that will help. Having trouble finding group support locally.

Content warning: Sudden and unexpected death, heart attack, CPR and resuscitation attempts, graphic descriptions of a deceased loved one, organ donation, and traumatic grief.

This happened less than 48 hours ago, so everything is still incredibly fresh, and I’m still trying to process what the fuck happened.

Yep, my dad’s dead… 50 years old, on his 24th wedding anniversary, from a sudden heart attack with no symptoms beforehand. I don’t know how to cope. My mom, my sister, and I are devastated, but the worst part is that his parents are still alive and grieving the loss of their son. I don’t know what to do. I’m completely lost. He was our safety net for everything, and now, without him, I’m so scared of something happening to my mom and having to support my family by myself. I’m only 22, for Christ’s sake, and my sister is fucking 17… I don’t even know how to take care of my own finances, and I’m only working part-time while going to college…

I don’t know why I’m writing this post. I guess I just need to vent, as well as get some support from people other than my family at the moment. I don’t really have any friends, so no one other than my family and my dad’s friends is really there for me, and this whole thing has been extremely lonely for me, considering that I’m the only one in my immediate family who didn’t get a shit ton of messages from other people.

I was there when he died. We had lunch together, just me, my mom, and him, and he just got up and went to lie down on the couch because he felt like he was about to faint, and he just died right away, without any pain. He was making this weird snoring sound while breathing, and we thought he was still alive and just fucking with us for a few seconds before we moved him down to the floor and started doing CPR on him.

I saw him turn grey and the life drain from his eyes while my mom was doing mouth-to-mouth on him. The look on his face will haunt me until the day I die… His eyes were crossed and glazed over, with saliva dripping from his mouth. I thought he would get through this and that we’d laugh later about how scared he had made me and my mom, but half an hour later, the cops told us that the paramedics had done everything they could but weren’t able to bring him back.

I sobbed immediately and just fell to the ground in disbelief. I felt guilty at first. What if I didn’t do the chest compressions hard enough? Why did I wake up so late that day and not get to spend much time with him in the morning? Why did it have to happen on his wedding anniversary, after we had just had dinner as a family the night before to celebrate his 24 years of marriage to my mom?

Why, why, why… I don’t fucking know why. It was so sudden and unexpected that I can’t think rationally right now. I was just so relieved when the nurse said that he died right away, without any pain, and didn’t soil himself or anything. I thought he was in so much pain and struggling to breathe, and it gave me peace of mind knowing that he wasn’t.

We all went to the hospital afterward: me, my mom, my sister and her boyfriend, my mom’s parents and her brother, my dad’s parents and his sister, as well as my dad’s best friends in the whole world. We got to talk to his body one last time before they took him away for organ donation. He was already turning grey when we entered the room. His body was still slightly warm, and we got to hug him and kiss him as we said goodbye.

I’ve only ever seen and touched a dead body once in my life, and that was my great-grandmother at her funeral, so this was jarring, to say the least. I’m glad I got to say goodbye, though. I know I would have kicked myself later if I hadn’t. My mom didn’t want to leave him behind and put his wedding ring on her finger right away. It was so hard to leave him at the hospital because it looked like he was just sleeping on a hospital bed.

This whole thing is a nightmare, and I wouldn’t wish the unexpected death of a family member like this on anyone.

We got the call the next day that they had managed to harvest almost everything except his heart, of course. I’m happy that parts of his body will help others and save lives, but there’s a part of me that wishes he hadn’t been cut open and hollowed out like a carcass. But I try not to think about it. What’s done is done, and the next step is to cremate his body and find a funeral home for him.

My dad wasn’t a talkative or sensitive guy. He was a man of well-intentioned actions, and his presence will be missed at home. It’s hard to see his stuff everywhere. It’s even harder to see my mom wearing his clothes and putting a pillow under the covers on his side of the bed to cuddle at night.

And it’s even harder feeling like I’m the man of the house now… because I’m not. My dad was a mountain of a man, and I’m only an ounce of what he was. I’m forever going to miss him and his corny-ass dad jokes. I’m going to miss hearing him talk about his workday each night at supper and pretending to care about the sales he made that day. I’m even going to miss seeing him burp and fart at the table while my mom tells him to knock it off.

I wish I could have had one last talk with him around the fire, with a beer in hand. We didn’t talk heart-to-heart much, if ever, but I would have wanted to tell him that I love him and hug him before he died. We didn’t really do that much, and I’ll forever regret not hugging him after we had dinner together the night before.

Sorry for the long-ass post. I think I just needed to write everything down step by step so I wouldn’t forget, because I’m already forgetting things due to the trauma, I think.

Anyway, I love you, Dad, and I hope you’re fine wherever you are up there and watching over us. I can’t wait to see how many people show up for you at your funeral, including your family, friends, and coworkers. You deserve to rest now. So go on, take that nap, and I’ll see you soon. Hopefully not that soon, but we’ll see. Maybe that heart problem really is hereditary. I don’t fucking know anymore.

If any part of this post is too graphic or goes against the sub’s rules, I’m more than happy to edit it. I just needed somewhere to get all of this off my chest.

My sister, dad and mom all died in the span of 10 years. My sister died at 19, my dad killed himself 4 years later, my mom suddenly got diagnosed of cancer and died in the span of a few months, another 5 years after that. I'm the last survivor.

I don't even intend to be all tragic about it most of the time, life sucks but I've been lucky in multiple aspects, just as much, more like a bittersweet feeling; but the moment it comes up, people get such harsh whiplash that it stuns them, renders them speechless. Understandable, sure, but it's so alienating.

Even with the people closest to me the air feels so heavy with the reality of it. Often, there's just nothing to say about it. But it's such a gaping hole in me. My whole history, gone. Who am I now? Everyone that knew me in the most fundamental way is now dust and memories. Yeah, it may sound grandiose but for me it's just my reality and lived experience. I've resorted to almost always avoiding mentioning it just to save myself the discomfort.

I don’t know what to say other than, I got a job offer today, one I have always wanted and I wish I could tell her. I lost my grandmother this year and we were really close. I would see her multiple times a week, she used to bring me things because she thought of me, we used to call each other about random news… I feel empty, I feel sad, and I don’t know who to talk to about it anymore. I don’t want to make my family sad by living it over and over again, but I think about her every single day. And today in particular, I’m crying again because I just got news I REALLY want to share with her. I want to hear her say she’s proud of me again. I feel so tired, and alone. Like celebrating too much feels almost wrong. Anyway, if you read this thank you for reading. If this isn’t the type of post that belongs here, I understand and the MODS can take it down. I just needed to talk to a group of people who may understand what I’m feeling. Sorry if the post is hard to understand I am writing this at a time I feel very emotional. Advice is also always appreciated, Much love and hugs to you all ❤️

ETA: I appreciate all of the kindness I have been shown in these comments. I can see that this is a community full of love. I wandered here based on a google search for someone or something to help me and I am glad I arrived here. You all have helped me realize so much, and there are so many individual experiences and feelings out there and in the comments that it just made me feel SO much less alone. Like I’m not carrying the “weight of the world” alone as they say. Thank you all, thank you thank you. For existing, for commenting, for being yourselves. That’s all, I just felt I needed to thank you all properly. ❤️

I lost my first grandchild, Leo almost two years ago. He was three months old and died of SIDS. To say it was traumatic is an understatement. Other than his parents, I was his main caretaker and I loved it. I’ll never be over it. Losing him broke all of our hearts into a million little pieces. Watching my son and his wife endure even greater pain than my own has been incredibly difficult. We have a new grandchild to the same son and his wife. That sweet baby has brought us so much love and joy. That’s not to discount how triggering it has also been caring for her and worrying ourselves sick over her. I think we are all slowly getting a bit better. Less crying and fretting. Unfortunately my work is also with newborns and very young babies. I mean I am fortunate because I love babies so much. But still…. Coming back to work after only a week was so fucking hard. I had no choice as I needed the money and don’t have leave. I managed by changing facilities entirely and telling no one at the new place. It was just easier to put things in compartments so I could survive. Sobbed in my car a lot. In the bathroom, in my call room, just hanging in by my fingernails for a very long time. Anyway-I’ve been much much better at managing it all. Until the other day when my colleague and I were counseling new young parents about sleep safety and SIDS. Something about them reminded me of my son and his wife. And my colleague was being so thorough that the discussion was much more in depth than usual. We left their room and started to review what we had talked about with them because they had so many questions. Next thing I knew I started crying and I could not stop. This person had no idea that I lost my grandson to SIDS. And of course I had to tell them. It was so awful. So yeah just when you think you might be a tiny bit “healed “ you lose your shit at work.

I hadn’t heard from her in a while. That’s what made me start looking even though I didn’t want to believe she was gone. I’d message her with no response, she hadn’t reposted anything on TikTok. So I kept looking her name up. For two months.
And last night I found it. I found the record of her death. Her name, age and the county she lived.
An hour later I found a Facebook post from a funeral home. Her funeral was in September. She was cremated. Friends invited but I didn’t know.

We were both twenty. She was just under a month older than me. We spoke to each other about anything, got to act like the kid I never got to be by talking about relationships. We played games at her house, went shopping. We also saved each other a few times. She stopped me from doing stuff to myself on numerous occasions, and I tried my best to do the same, even though now she lived in a different place than me, farther than she did before.

I have been in shambles since. I can’t do anything without crying. I’ve never lost anyone before and I don’t know how to process it, how I’m supposed to react or feel. I know it’s different for everyone but I don’t like not knowing things, it’s new. I’m devastated and every single time I remember I start gagging and sobbing again. I feel so sick.

I’ve had to get unpaid leave from work because I’m not going to be okay enough for it, I had to fight to get it.

I don’t know where to go from here. I’ve told people, my dad knows, some of my friends know and my brother too. But I’m stuck. I feel guilty because I could have found out sooner if I had looked in the right places back then. But I didn’t. And I can’t change the past.

I hardly have family that’s still around or alive. No friends. Almost 21 months since losing my dad, and I’m doing worse than ever. Everything has only gotten worse for nearly 2 years straight. I feel so alone. I’m so incredibly isolated.

The only person I can think of that I could talk to is my cousin but she can’t be bothered to call me or even text. Haven’t talked to her in almost 3 months. Grew up together but now she’s too far away and busy. Used to be like brother and sister, but it doesn’t feel that way anymore, and that really hurts.

I’m not sure talking to anyone would help, but I know being as isolated as I am is truly killing me.

For context, he was really ill for a month and a half. I had dated him back in 2023 and we had broken up after dating for more than a year that time. We reconnected in late 2025 and started dating early 2026 but it was a long distance since this time we were in different countries. I decided I would move back to our home country so that we could date in person and honestly, things were looking quite positive until he got hospitalised for acute pancreatitis in August. He was showing good recovery that time and we were still planning on continuing once he recovered. His condition deteriorated late September and he sadly passed away in October.

I had gotten in touch with his sister when he was on life support and after speaking to her I realised he had been lying about the smallest of the things there was. Spoke to some close friends of his (he wasn’t keeping in touch with them much) and I got a bit more information about him and I realised he had been lying about more things. I wish I could share those details here but I think it would be an invasion of his privacy. Yesterday this girl reached out to me on my social media (she lives in the same city as his) offering condolences to me and telling me how much he loved me. Little did she know that I have had a problem with my boyfriend being friends with her since he had confessed sleeping with her back in the days and I was really uncomfortable with their whole friendship dynamic. She was on his social media and I had just trusted him thinking it’s alright if they are just added there but he was actually talking to her and everything, planning to meet her and her dog a couple months ago. I thanked her for trying to make me feel better and didn’t say anything more.

I fear there’s more to come, more information, more old stories about him. Just two weeks ago I wanted to know more about him from his friends and family so that I could grieve his death properly but given how things are developing I feel I might need to cut off people, go MIA for a bit since I feel my boyfriend was perhaps living a double life. It feels so unfair and infuriating that I didn’t even get to mourn his passing properly. I am a complete mess right now knowing that I will have to reroute my goals and efforts in life and I was okay with it, I wanted to carry on the good memories I had with him, his stupid jokes and our banters. But how can I deal with these revelations that are coming my way almost everyday. I had thought of proposing to him next year because I really was in love with him. I am not even curious about getting to know more about his life from his friends anymore because I am already traumatised. How to deal with a situation like this?

Several years ago, as I (48m) was still mourning a divorce, a woman came into my life via the Internet.

I am in America, she was in Europe.

This woman's arrival was the single biggest thing that EVER happened to me. She wasn't a fake, a scammer, a predator, or anything crazy. She was just a woman living in Europe.

It was the biggest thing that ever happened to me because never before, not here in person, not in my marriage, never in my life, had I ever connected so deeply with another human being.

It was like, as she said, two halves had united. It was profound. And very intense.

As for her appearance, you have to imagine a seriously beautifully sculpted face that was distorted due to her weight. Horrific OCD, depression, and the trauma of having been cheated on had essentially led to the collapse of her life and she was, at 400 lbs, bed-ridden for the most part. I thought she was pretty nevertheless. So so pretty.

But what made me fall in love with this woman was her mind, her heart, and her art. I fell in love with her simply because of who she was, not how her hugs felt, or how good the sex was, or what she could offer my life. I fell deeply in love simply on the strength of the woman she was.

And her art... it had love all over it and I found it irresistible.

Because she no longer sold her art for money and essentially didn't work, she was always at home, and because kept such strange hours, we were always awake at the same time despite being on two sides of the world.

We spent all our time together, blowing the fuck out of WhatsApp. Work became something I had to endure simply so that I could get back to my world with her. We binged shows. And movies. She showed me all her favorite horror movies, and I showed her all my favorite 1940s classics.

We talked about everything. We laughed. We wept together. This went on for over 2 years.

She had tried many things to get her life back. Diets. Medications. Alternative stuff. But she was mostly stuck in that bed.

I was prepared to abandon my own life and move to Europe to take care of her. I couldn't think of anything else I would rather do with my life.

And then...

\\\[REDACTED\\\]

....fast forward to today.

She is gone. Gone. Gone. Gone.

And I'm just here... suddenly quite alone.

I'm not looking to replace her.

But there was someone there.... texts.... photos.... memes.... nights planned together.... late nights in bed on the phone... mornings waking up to affection...

And now it's just nothing.

It's like I had an online spouse and lost her.

I lost my younger brother, Brandon, 5 years ago today. I miss him so much. He was such a wonderful man. He was my rock and best friend. I am also dealing with cancer, and I have to have my cat fostered for the duration of my treatment. Today is just a lot…

Hi, this sub has helped me a lot over the last 13 months since my mom died very suddenly. This would be too long if I went over every detail but I was on the phone with her, she said “oh my” and dropped the phone. I got in the car and drove fast to her house about 7 miles and I found her dead in her chair, turning blue. I didn’t make it in time. We were extremely, extremely close all my life. Best friends, we went through a lot together and she was my biggest supporter and unconditional love I’ll ever have.
These last 13 months have been Hell. Life is so hard and lonely. I don’t have family support at all. I was her caretaker more and more the last 6 months but I always helped her and she helped me. We talked several times a day, saw each other all the time. There is a hole in my world.
I’ve had dreams about her before the first three months ago. Just two and she didn’t talk to me but looked ok. But they weren’t angry dreams. The one last night I woke up crying. We were at a restaurant waiting in a line( we went to lunch together once a week) and they sat her really quickly in a booth with some other people( strangers) I walked up real fast and was like what happened (like we were supposed to sit together). She looks up at me like she was so mad at me . And said something like , “you didn’t sit with me, or why didn’t you hurry and sit with me!” And I said “ I’m not going to to this”( argue) and I walked out and left her there. I could feel in my dream how hurt I was and hurt she was mad . We never fought like that in real life. Little disagreements but we always thought the same way, had the same values and likes. She would call me and ask if I needed anything from the store, I would take her to doctors appointments etc. I can’t understand after 13 months why this happened. I haven’t been handling this well, this year in my opinion. Reclusive, short tempered etc.
I won’t go into the terrible guilt that went along with her dying. I couldn’t save her, things I didn’t say. Things I didn’t do for her.
Sorry this got long. Can anyone understand this? Do you think she is really upset with me? I know we can’t know 100% but I would have walked on fire for her. I just woke up and the look on her face is sooooo vivid. I’ve lived with guilt this whole time, besides the pain and sadness.
Thank you, my husband doesn’t understand any of this.
Edit: also the last 6-9 months I’ve been asking her to send me a clear sign she was here and she was watching over me, whatever. And then this happened.