I am reeling from the loss of two friends that died young and suddenly. My best friend (41) died in March of this year due to bacterial meningitis. They had an ear infection that traveled to their brain, and they were pronounced brain dead in less than 48 hours of falling severely ill. I was so devastated at the loss. I am a paraplegic and don’t get out of the house much: they were my person. They were such a ray of sunshine in everyone’s lives. I still cry and mourn for them. I miss them terribly.

Over the weekend, an ex-coworker turned friend that I haven’t seen in a while dropped dead of a heart attack at 35. He and I used to hang out every weekend and he was there for me years ago. It was, again, such a sudden death and my mind is struggling to comprehend it. He is going to have a funeral and I plan to attend, but I am filled with so much grief.

I am putting my grief here so it has somewhere to sit. So I have somewhere to process. I miss both of my friends with all my heart and soul.

My brother was always the perfect, straightforward kid. He was always religious and never swore. At the end of September police came to his home to arrest him and search the house. He immediately paid bail. 6 days later he was found. I’ve been trying for over a week to find any arrest record to get any kind of info on what he was found with or going to be charged of. He had three kids.

I thought arrest warrants or records were public information but I cannot find anything other than his arrest for speeding in the 90s. It’s so hard not knowing what was found to mourn. Cp is such a horrific thing. The difference in how I at least mourn is huge between something involving a child in person or downloading pics. Both are not ok but I hope this makes sense. He was an amazing man, father, and husband so this was so out of the blue. I can give more info if needed, for now I’ll just give the general location due to the legality differences between states. Washington state, USA.

Where do I go? Where should I look? Who do I ask?

Due to him having a wife and kids I do not qualify as immediate family. I do not want to pester his wife with this as she’s going through so much.

He had life insurance but was 4 months short of the 2 year period where if one died by suicide they do not qualify. His wife has been a stay at home mom for their three kids for 18 years. There is a go fund me I may add. Only one kid has graduated.

His viewing is tomorrow. He is being cremated and we will have the option to write something on the box. If you have any general ideas that would be appreciated. He was my baby brother. He was sick but was family.

Several years ago, as I (48m) was still mourning a divorce, a woman came into my life via the Internet.

I am in America, she was in Europe.

This woman's arrival was the single biggest thing that EVER happened to me. She wasn't a fake, a scammer, a predator, or anything crazy. She was just a woman living in Europe.

It was the biggest thing that ever happened to me because never before, not here in person, not in my marriage, never in my life, had I ever connected so deeply with another human being.

It was like, as she said, two halves had united. It was profound. And very intense.

As for her appearance, you have to imagine a seriously beautifully sculpted face that was distorted due to her weight. Horrific OCD, depression, and the trauma of having been cheated on had essentially led to the collapse of her life and she was, at 400 lbs, bed-ridden for the most part. I thought she was pretty nevertheless. So so pretty.

But what made me fall in love with this woman was her mind, her heart, and her art. I fell in love with her simply because of who she was, not how her hugs felt, or how good the sex was, or what she could offer my life. I fell deeply in love simply on the strength of the woman she was.

And her art... it had love all over it and I found it irresistible.

Because she no longer sold her art for money and essentially didn't work, she was always at home, and because kept such strange hours, we were always awake at the same time despite being on two sides of the world.

We spent all our time together, blowing the fuck out of WhatsApp. Work became something I had to endure simply so that I could get back to my world with her. We binged shows. And movies. She showed me all her favorite horror movies, and I showed her all my favorite 1940s classics.

We talked about everything. We laughed. We wept together. This went on for over 2 years.

She had tried many things to get her life back. Diets. Medications. Alternative stuff. But she was mostly stuck in that bed.

I was prepared to abandon my own life and move to Europe to take care of her. I couldn't think of anything else I would rather do with my life.

And then...

\\\[REDACTED\\\]

....fast forward to today.

She is gone. Gone. Gone. Gone.

And I'm just here... suddenly quite alone.

I'm not looking to replace her.

But there was someone there.... texts.... photos.... memes.... nights planned together.... late nights in bed on the phone... mornings waking up to affection...

And now it's just nothing.

It's like I had an online spouse and lost her.

Our boy was four, and had a history of health issues: two urinary blockages not far apart from each other about two years ago, and upper respiratory issues his whole life.

I had just finished him on a round of clavamox, but due to our finances being really sensitive right now and also not wanting to cause him unneccesary stress by a vet visit -- its been a long time since he was thoroughly seen by a vet.

The day before we left town for the weekend, I felt like he was breathing fast. But he was alert and eating and drinking normally and not exhibiting any other odd behaviors so I tried to assuage my worry.

But then - we get a call while we are away that our roommate came home to find him stiff. Dead. Eyes and mouth wide open. Drool all around him, and his back legs wet and spiky from what had to be furious licking in pain.

I don't think there's any way he could have died peacefully in his sleep because of the state of his back legs being all wet and spiky and his mouth and eyes wide open.

I hate the idea that he died in pain all alone. And that maybe, if I had taken him to the vet, this could have all been averted. Maybe they could have detected a urinary blockage or a heart issue.

Its been about 36 hours since we found out our boy was gone forever. We are destroyed. And I feel terrible not just biting the bullet and taking him in. we didn't even meet the deductible for his insurance this year, even with adding in the cost of cremating.

Why couldn't I have made the sacrifice for him financially? And possibly spared his life? What is wrong with us?

I have taken him to the ER in the past when I was worried, and as a result saved his life (two urinary blockages)

I know my partner and I both came from backgrounds where pets were rarely taken in to the vet. Maybe it was just that part of our upbringing, combined with our current financial insecurity, that reared it’s ugly, ugly head. but we had INSURANCE. wtf was I thinking

i feel like i am in hell. i can’t do this

This isn't the place to vent like this, so I'm sorry for all those already hurting if I bring you down further. Don't read my rant if your wound is still fresh. And definitely don't read in the lonely hour of night.

---

How can someone become just a memory? Does remembering someone somehow keep them alive? What happens with those memories of them when we die too? Do they get to relive the memories you play in your mind? What about the sad memories?

Her torment in her final years, her pain in her final months, her agony in her final days... And now it's all just a memory for us, like she never even felt it. Or is it instead frozen in time, as if she still experiences every memory that gets echoed into the void? Because she did feel it. And that's how she went out, stripped of independence, with dignity stolen and a dwindling beauty. The only pain she was spared from, I hope, was not seeing her own world from outside eyes. If she could've seen herself, frail face and swollen body... The very body she honored with a healthy lifestyle and the very face she celebrated with selfies. If she couldve watched herself having to be wiped by her husband whom she only tried to be perfect for, never letting him carry much weight at all. if she could have seen her three young children, whom she vowed to protect, crying desperately- their belief in miracles and magic crushed after realizing that their warm tears and their soft touch would not make her okay again. If she could've seen her sister paralyzed in sadness and unable to keep it together, the same sister she always boasted about being her hero. If she could've seen her mother whom there was always a thin lining of friction over a deep love for (as many mothers and daughters have)... and there she was, honored to hold her like a baby again after 39 years- eyes full of pride and love and commitment.

It's been 9 months and the 6yo still prays for Mommy to resuscitate, crying every night . The 4 year old occasionally still asks if the alert on Daddy's phone is Mommy sending a text from heaven, and when can she come back. And the 11 year old is quieter than ever, with bitterness to mask the sadness she pretends does not exist. And Mom still praises God for lending her such a wonderful daughter for nearly 4 decades.

But I, I still don't know where I am. I still can't figure out if she was ever real or if she's really dead or if I'm crazy, because it doesn't make sense... It's a quantum formula that I cannot calculate. Because I could never imagine a world without her... So how am I here in a world without her? How can she possibly have gone from so much energy to simply nothing. Where did her "gargalhadas" (crazy hard laughter) go? Where is her neon radiance? How are there no more posts on her social media? When will her kids get their next delicious mommy hug? And when will the ringtone on MY phone be her once again calling at an inconvenient time?

But don't tell me she lives on in the memories.

Because just as her smile, laughter, and joy gets to replay in our hearts, occasionally so does her torture. Yes , she was such a blessing and gave us so much. And if i really open my eyes, there were even little blessings within her death as well. But sometimes I question what good was it for her to shine so much, laugh so hard, and infect everyone around her with a smile.... All to end up like... that. And then, gone. I can't believe she's gone.

For context, he was really ill for a month and a half. I had dated him back in 2023 and we had broken up after dating for more than a year that time. We reconnected in late 2025 and started dating early 2026 but it was a long distance since this time we were in different countries. I decided I would move back to our home country so that we could date in person and honestly, things were looking quite positive until he got hospitalised for acute pancreatitis in August. He was showing good recovery that time and we were still planning on continuing once he recovered. His condition deteriorated late September and he sadly passed away in October.

I had gotten in touch with his sister when he was on life support and after speaking to her I realised he had been lying about the smallest of the things there was. Spoke to some close friends of his (he wasn’t keeping in touch with them much) and I got a bit more information about him and I realised he had been lying about more things. I wish I could share those details here but I think it would be an invasion of his privacy. Yesterday this girl reached out to me on my social media (she lives in the same city as his) offering condolences to me and telling me how much he loved me. Little did she know that I have had a problem with my boyfriend being friends with her since he had confessed sleeping with her back in the days and I was really uncomfortable with their whole friendship dynamic. She was on his social media and I had just trusted him thinking it’s alright if they are just added there but he was actually talking to her and everything, planning to meet her and her dog a couple months ago. I thanked her for trying to make me feel better and didn’t say anything more.

I fear there’s more to come, more information, more old stories about him. Just two weeks ago I wanted to know more about him from his friends and family so that I could grieve his death properly but given how things are developing I feel I might need to cut off people, go MIA for a bit since I feel my boyfriend was perhaps living a double life. It feels so unfair and infuriating that I didn’t even get to mourn his passing properly. I am a complete mess right now knowing that I will have to reroute my goals and efforts in life and I was okay with it, I wanted to carry on the good memories I had with him, his stupid jokes and our banters. But how can I deal with these revelations that are coming my way almost everyday. I had thought of proposing to him next year because I really was in love with him. I am not even curious about getting to know more about his life from his friends anymore because I am already traumatised. How to deal with a situation like this?

She was 41. I don’t even know what I’m looking for but it’s blowing my mind. There’s only a couple hundred reported kratom deaths. There will likely be way more as time goes on. Out of the 8 billion people on this planet my mom is one of the couple hundred. My heart hurts and I’m a little mad at her. I don’t wanna be but she knew it was going to kill her and she couldn’t stop. The withdrawals were too bad and she was scared of rehab. I knew she wanted to be clean and she was trying her best. And to those cops and everyone else who worked on her she’s just another statistic to a growing problem. But to me she was my mom who went through way more than she should’ve. She deserved so much more in life and always got the short end of the stick and did what she could to get by and not feel all her pain. I just miss my mom.

I used to think grief meant slowly healing until one day, you’re finally okay again. But now, I’m starting to think that maybe that’s not how it works.

My dad passed away recently, and I’m realizing that life really does go on, even when a part of you feels like it shouldn’t. People go back to work, laugh at jokes, make plans, eat their meals, and carry on with their lives. And you do, too. You find yourself laughing at something, enjoying a moment, or going about your day, then suddenly remember that the person you want to tell about it is no longer here.

I think that’s one of the strangest things about grief. You can be okay for a moment, but that doesn’t mean you’re okay with what happened. You can accept that someone is gone without ever being okay with the fact that they’re gone.

And maybe that’s what makes grief so difficult. There’s no actual finish line. No day when you wake up and suddenly stop missing them. You just learn to carry the absence, even as life continues to ask things of you.

I don’t want to rush myself into healing, either. If this pain stays with me for a long time, then so be it. I don’t want to measure my healing by how quickly I can go back to being the person I was before. That person had my dad in his life. Of course I’m going to be different now.

Maybe someday, the pain will feel different. Maybe some memories will make me smile more than they make me cry. But for now, I think it’s okay to not be okay.

I’m curious about those who have lost someone they deeply love. Does grief ever really get easier, or do you just become better at carrying it? And how do you learn to live a life that you still want to enjoy, even when there’s someone you wish could still be here to enjoy it with you?

TW ⚠️On Saturday evening I found out I had lost a friend I knew online to suicide. I don’t know much about what happened because I didn’t want to pry too much as the people that reached out to me were closer to them. My friend had previously attempted 2 times before and had a lot of trauma from those events especially while hospitalized. It didn’t exactly come out of nowhere but I of course wasn’t expecting it. I talked to them every so often through social media, we’d message, I’d send videos, I’d like and comment on their posts. I even bought some things from their online shop.
I don’t know if I’m in shock or heartless but I feel like I’m not processing it right. I broke down that day and I find myself tearing up a bit but I feel my emotions dont adequately correlate to how much I cared for them.
I also feel really guilty that I wasn’t checking up on them enough like if I could have reached out more it would have made a difference. Most of all I wish I could have actually met them in person. I wish they knew I cared and that I considered them more than someone I knew online but as a real friend.
I want to do something for them, to honor their memory but I need some advice on what is appropriate? For example, they loved pigeons.
Thank you. 🫶

Lost my wife of almost 5 years to a rare cancer, we've been together 17 years. She was 43, I've been her caregiver as well as her husband since we found out she had this about a year ago. She was the love of my life and now I feel lost, this is so difficult. I'm alone in a house filled with reminders of her. It's only been 2 weeks but it feels like forever, I miss her so much. Everyday is a struggle. I got an appointment with a therapist Thursday, hopefully that will help. Having trouble finding group support locally.

This is just a post I need to vent not necessarily looking advice just need it off my chest. I am nearly 5/6 months in after losing my husband suddenly. Does anyone else feel like this?

People are so disappointing, they promise they will be there for you but in reality they are so wrapped up in their own lives they actually don't care.

It was my child's birthday recently after losing their father and close family members haven't even visited. But to look on their social media people will think they are so upset and being a good family member to us. It's so fake. I know my husband would be so disappointed in them.

When my mum died, I genuinely thought that was the end of the world. But now, five months later, im dealing with grief, business problems and barely keeping myself together. I forget to eat, struggle with my routine and honestly feel like I’m crashing out.

On top of that, Im losing some friends because of my depression and grief. Some people take my sadness personally n it’s making me question whether I can trust anyone when im no longer the happy, functioning version of myself.

Thankfully for my bestfriend who keeps showing up and get me up everyday with her boyfriend. I know i should just be thankful and appreciate that, but im scared id be a burden to them no matter how many times they keep saying that they love and care for me ….

But seriously, does grief get worse after a few months? How do you deal with everything else life throws at you when you’re already drowning? And how do you stop feeling like everyone will eventually leave when you’re struggling?
I’m tired, I’m angry, I miss my mum and I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing anymore. I just need to rant and hear from people who’ve been through this

Its almost like a mental block for me, like when it happens it happens. I dont even think my brain has processed this, my grandparents were younger (in her 40s and he was like 50) grandparents so they are always around my life and literally are my second parents. I have adhd and take meds for it, but i didnt think it would make me this numb or oblivious to this fact he is passing away. I dont even talk to him anymore. My family comes from immigrants he only speaks in his original language as if its almost too much brain power for him to speak English to us now. It breaks my heart, he retired went on a single vacation and had cancer since then and has never been able to enjoy his life without working. Ive watched the strongest man i know disintegrate. Is anticipatory grief like this? Im not religious myself so there is no comfort for me as to whats happening to him after and stuff too. Its at the point now where all he does is sit. It just is making me overthink considering hes had it for awhile now and no improvement at all. Yet i still cant process hes not going to be here one day.

My friend died a month ago in a single vehicle accident. Our friendship was very short in the grand scheme of things but we were fast friends who shared a lot of similar opinions, were highly compatible in terms of sense of humor and other sensibilities, and shared many many emotional and in depth conversations. He supported me when I struggled and even unintentionally through the fun we had and his optimistic words made me feel like the future was something that wouldn’t be so bad.
He became a safe constant in my life. He was the first real friend I felt I had in a while. He often said “I love you guys to death” to my boyfriend and I. And then, a month ago, he died.

He crashed into a guardrail atop an on ramp and no other vehicles were involved. He died on scene. Perhaps even “instantly”. There are so many unknowns about the circumstances. This was a route he has traveled thousands of times. It has been hard to make sense of, even with the information I have heard. Sadder, this accident was about a mile from my home.

Mutual friends, friends who knew him many many many more years than I have, have accepted his loss. They aren’t dwelling on it much anymore. Some didn’t shed a tear at all. Some cried and hurt for some amount of time but have returned to calm now.

But me, the one who knew him the least amount of time… I’ve cried for hours and hours. I cry even as I write this. I went to the visitation about an hour away. I stood in front of his open casket. I sent flowers to the funeral. I wrote on his obituary wall. I had my partner make a cross and I painted it (I’m not religious but my friend had crosses tattooed on his arm.) so we can eventually put it at the crash site. I’ve driven by the crash site. I’ve contacted his brother and connected some over the loss. I’ve printed photos of my friend and I. I go back to where we hung out and I still shed tears. I write about him. I bought a hat with his favorite sports team logo on it even though I don’t care about sports at all. I bought a ring with his initial on it. I have thought about his loss every day. I went back to seeing my therapist.

I move on with my days and I take care of myself and I open the blinds to let the light in but it’s still such devastating news. I hurt for all that he can no longer have and see and live through. For all the better he wanted but will never get. I hurt for myself who lost a phenomenal friend. I hurt wondering if he experienced pain on the way out. I miss my friend and I suffer over the thought that he might have felt fear or pain in the accident that killed him.

My mind goes to morbid places. I play out what might have occurred on the vehicle upon impact. I pray for it to have been so brutal and severe that he wouldn’t have felt a thing and I simultaneously cry while imagining him being helplessly thrown or lunged so violently. I see him again in his casket. So empty. So colorless. So not my friend. A mere corpse. The tone of his voice and laugh never to be heard again.

I look for “more”, anything, an afterlife, a lingering spirit, a sensation in the place we hung out, a sign. I speak wishing he could flicker a light for me, knock on a wall. Anything. I yearned and searched hard initially because I felt our connection was so real that if a sign could be shown, it would be. But alas there’s been nothing and I’m left with the grimness that my friend is dead and he died tragically and all that was him, soul and energy and spirit is gone too. He is dead and we will never meet again and that’s all there is to it.

There are no solutions. There is nothing redeeming. I don’t think he is in a better place because I think he has ceased to exist. It’s a cold and empty reality and it hurts. I hurt while others move on.

Why does grief keep finding me? Eight months ago, I lost my uncle—my mom’s brother. Three months ago, I lost my dad, the only friend my mom had. Today, I was told my grandma is gone—my mom’s mother. I’m so far away from my mom, and I’m terrified for her. She already lost her sister two years ago. Now she has lost her brother, her only friend, and her mom. I don’t know how much more her heart can carry—or mine. I just want to be there for her, but I’m miles away, feeling helpless.

I am beyond devastated. Words cannot describe the pain, guilt, shame, regret, and deep sadness that I’m feeling right now. I broke up with him only a few weeks ago.

My friends and siblings only met him a few times but no one in my circle knew him, like really knew him, and now I feel so isolated and alone and I can’t help but think that one knows how I feel.

The only other person who would truly understand is his brother. He was the one who broke the devastating news to me yesterday, but he hasn’t been responding to my messages. He knows what happened and what was written in his letter, while I’m left not knowing any of it. Not having answers, especially from the one person who might be able to help me understand, is making it so much harder to process everything and just make sense of what’s happened.

I can’t believe the world has lost such a beautiful soul.

It’s about to be one year since my dad passed away I honestly been trying to distract myself not allowing myself to mourn properly bc the memories hurt me so much takes me back to the days he was at the hospital the day I got the call from the hospital that my dad was dying it was not the news I was hoping to hear that morning I went to see him I had hopes that he was going to make it out alive bc he’s had near death experience before but survived them but it this time I went early Christmas shopping after and saw a movie that’s when my mom calls me on the phone crying and saying that my dad just died I get on the train 🚊 rushing to the hospital holding back tears and I saw his dead body I never thought I’d see a loved ones dying until that day the hardest part is I had already lost my brother a year prior we had to not only deal with 1 loss but 2 losses and not to mention the financial situation me and my mom are in right now

in january this year, my friend died. i was never told how he died and none of my other friends know. my entire grieving process I've been invalidated and i don't feel like I'll ever get over this. this was the first death I've experienced and ik i should be glad it didn't happen when i was younger but im a teen. i dont ever see anyone talking about their friends dying so, i dont know when i should get over it.

sorry edit: i also was the one who told my friend group he died. i checked in on anyone and nobody did that for me. im not friends with them anymore.

I feel like I can't breathe. I live on the other side of the country so I am flying home tomorrow. I am having feelings of immense guilt about her dying alone. We are still waiting for answers but whatever it was came on suddenly. She had psoriasis and just had a root canal done about a week ago. I'm an only child and it has always been her and I. She wasn't even 60 yet. How do I deal with this guilt?

My brother stepped infront of a train in the early hours of Monday morning after battling a ketamine addiction. He had lived with me for a few years and I found out he was using. He refused to stop so I had to do the hardest thing ever and tell him to move out to protect my own son. I truly did everything I could to help him while he was with me. He got a job working away which was great, a new beginning so I thought.

Unfortunately, he was still using to the point he had urine incontinence issues and problems with his bladder. He was in lots of pain and tried to take his life in December 2025 which failed. We all rallied around him and supported him through this. He reassured me that he was okay and was just under the influence. He moved in with my mum 3 hours away and seemed to be doing okay. We spoke regularly but I ignored his countless message requests for money when I found out that he was using again, I used to point blank ignore his messages for these requests but we remained close. Sometimes I’d transfer him £4.99 so he couldn’t withdraw a full £5 and I knew it was for food. . When he lived closer, I would take him food shopping etc so that I wasn’t actively giving him cash to fund his habit.

We last seen each other in March 2026 but remained in touch. Over the weekend he messaged as we usually did and asked how I was doing. On Friday, I said I wasn’t great as had a tough week and was feeling a bit down. He reassured me i was okay and to get sleep. He checked back in on the Saturday saying you okay and I said no but I’m vibing. He liked my Instagram story at 23.35 on Sunday. I was awake at 2am. He messaged me a sucide note at 6.40am on Monday morning. I woke up at 6.45am and rang him/messaged him straight away, several times. He stepped infront of a train travelling 110mph at 6.53am.

I am in utter pain, I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. If I had messaged at 2am, would this have saved him? Cruelly, I wake up every morning at 6.40 the exact time he messaged me. This day I woke up 5 minutes later from being up during the night. I am consumed by the what ifs and the guilt. Should I have kept him with me at my house? I have a son who I was trying to protect too. Could i have saved him if I replied on instagram? What if I had been awake 5 minute earlier? I am consumed by this. I’ve had about 4 hours sleep since it happened and I haven’t ate more than a bite of sandwich. How can I just continue as normal?!

I have so much to say to him and he had so many people that loved him. I hope he knew how much I and everyone else loved him in his final moments. Will this ever get any easier?

Hello all, I am looking for a book to gift to my mom to help her through the loss of her mom. My family is incredibly close so we’ve all been leaning on each other heavily through the loss of my grandmother. I wish I could give more support to my mom, that’s why I’m here. She’s enjoyed “self help” books in the past so I know she’d be open to it. She’s not willing to speak to a therapist or such but I think a book could offer her something more than I can. Thank you all in advance, I’m sorry we are all here.

Her health has been on the decline for about 2 years. She's quite old. I'm in my 30s if that matters.

Today I got news from a sibling that she's really not OK. She claimed she was seeing her long departed parents (who died before I was born) and that she's not eating and doesn't recognize the people around her anymore.

I know I can't prepare for it, but my brain is refusing to accept that.

Wisdom from anyone who's gone through this would be so appreciated. Also, I have an array of anxiety disorders, so... it kind of feels like everything I fear is coming to pass, and like I don't have the fortitude or resilience to actually handle it.

I am seriously not OK. I don't know how to be. It feels like I need to be spoon fed right now. Please tell me what to do.

He died December 23rd 2022 after 4 months in over 17 heart attacks his last words to me were Richard I love you. I just want everyone to know that no matter what happens in the future don't take people for granted!

Losing a parent is hard no matter what age you are but it's an unfortunate time when you are old enough to understand death but not to cope with it. I never felt like I had much time to grieve, as my family situation got really bad around then and I had to take care of my little sisters since the adults in the household spent their time fighting like children.

I'm not there anymore. I left this march and now live with my sister who is my legal guardian now.

This time of year is always hard. My dad was an amazing guy and In a lot of ways I feel like he was the last person in my life who was a parent. My mother and stepfather aren't bad people but they are bad parents.

I'm doing fairly well mentally now but I've been through a lot. I've been suicidal, I've self harmed. I came close to harming others many times.

Life is a lot easier now. It is still hard. Grief is like that. It doesn't go away but it does grow familiar.

I almost cried in a coffee shop the other day when I saw a father playing with his little girl. It hurts a lot to see people with that relationship but it also gives me so much hope. Through my stepfather I've gotten the experience of having a father who hurts you even if he loves you and through my dad I've had the experience of having a loving father and losing that and all I can say is this;

If you are a dad (or a parent in general) take good care of your kid. Many of my proudest traits and morals in life came from my dad. Like it or not, you shape who your child is in many ways. Tell your kids you love them. They need it.

And to anyone feeling suicidal or grieving, I get how hard it is. Hang in there. The pain doesn't go away, but you'll get to catch some fucking beautiful sunsets and meet some fucking wonderful people.

I lost the woman who was the safe space in my childhood 8 weeks ago.

Sorry I just can’t help it, but of course please feel free to skip the story

It was & wasn’t sudden. I hate that inevitable question. She had lung cancer, which already felt so unfair- she never smoked, I saw her drink once my entire life. But it got better, she got better, she rang her bell! No more cancer!
I visited and I KNEW this time that it wouldn’t be the last time I saw her, I went home so happy, so relieved she was getting so much stronger, she looked like herself again!
9 months later, I was going to see her in not even three weeks; until she got sick, just sick, not cancer, not something terrible and evil this time, she was just sick.
She aspirated while vomiting and then she was in the hospital,
myself and my brother & her youngest son out of state, my brother now trying to find out if she’ll recover or should he get a flight now, myself holding hope she’ll wake up, her youngest son leaving the military to desperately trying to make it in time.
He doesn’t, we don’t.
The eldest two step out of the room while her church choir sings her amazing grace & the second they are out of the room she is gone.

This is a photo of my beautiful fiancé, myself and Allison. (Not in that order exactly)

Allison was the only person who I never saw drunk, I never saw aggressive, who always met Everyone & Everything with love.
My childhood home was scary at times.
But allison’s was cozy and warm and full of love Always.
And I was always welcome,
more importantly my baby brother was always welcome.
She picked me up & dropped me off at school from ages 13-16, (graduated early) And on and off in the years before that.
She was the only adult in my life, who noticed something was wrong when I was being SA by a teacher in middle school,
she brought my highschool band fruit on the days it was my turn to bring in,
she wasn’t my mother & yet she came to performances, invited me in and over when something happened , i never had to say anything, she just knew
I never had to explain myself, no matter the hour I showed up at her house with my brother & an overnight bag, she was SO excited to see him every time, I can still see her face lighting up to see us & telling us to come in.

But now she’s gone.
I feel like something is MISSING. Like in the world. And I don’t even f-ing know what it is & I do at the same time.
I keep thinking “why is this so hard??! It’s not like we talked every day” and “I’m an adult who lives 770 miles from her now, it’s not like anything in my daily life is different”
But something is just gone
maybe it’s the deep down thinking and knowing that no matter what happened I had this special safe person who loved me so much for NO REASON!! (Maybe after typing all this I have some fear that I will never experience love like hers again)
Just loved me, my siblings, gave me & them a safe place & endless, unconditional love is just gone now. And I will never get that back and I will never get Her back

Sorry, here’s the part I think I really need advice with.

how I am supposed to keep like,, living
I survive, I eat, have water, tea even, I still went on my trip that was planned two weeks after she passed on, I go to work, I walk my dog. I’m “living”.

But I don’t find joy in my hobbies, my passions, I’ve found are now hard to pursue.
And that worries me even more because ALL she ever wanted was for us to be happy.
I’m in therapy, I was before as well. I’ve tried going back to basics, but even when I do get some joy out of it, it feels different now, I feel different now.

I think I’m really making this post because my fiancé made a comment about how
“you’re waiting for your sparkle to come back and you just need to start doing things again”

and I know she mostly means continuing to post on my socials, which before this was one of my favorite things to do! I had such high hopes and I still love the small community I have abandoned; let my drafts run out & stopped posting or hell, even f-ing opening, the apps since she passed.
But even if I vaguely want to i just very much feel like “what the fuck is the point???”
What is the point, what’s the point!!!!!

And I love my fiancé, and I love my job and I love my hobbies and I know this.

But right now, even if I can see the point objectively of “the point is there is still life to be lived here & Allison would want you to have the best life you can”

I don’t really FEEL like that in my body. I want to live & be happy for her, for myself, for my bride-to-be.

I’ve tried retracing the steps that I took like in my early adulthood to rediscover myself & I just,, it didn’t help.
I don’t want to pursue anything anymore,
I just want to keep living, but Jesus,
all I do in my downtime is cry, scroll, or look at photos. I force myself a few times a week to try at least 3 of my passions/hobbies.
But it’s not feeling any better.
I have days where I go “yeah! I really want to post/model/hike/write/game today!”
And then the time comes to go do it and I just, I don’t even know,
I went to type out “I think to myself” but I don’t think even.
It’s like I get hit with a beam of “we live in a world without allison” and I just, I don’t know, I want to live & be happy and grow in life for her & myself.
But I just can’t bring myself to do anything that feels like growth right now & I don’t know what to do, I hate the feeling of stagnation, and I feel so guilty just sitting and doing jack, not being productive, barely even doing the minimum to keep living & honestly if I lived alone idek how much of THAT I’d be doing.

OKAY (sry also) TRUE TL;DR

If you “found your sparkle” again after it felt like someone put matte spray on anything that glimmered,
please let me know what I can do to start living right again. I hate being this version of myself, but I worry it may just be me now.

Is there any kind of timeframe? My therapist says it’s still pretty new & no matter how long it is I will always have some sadness in my chest knowing she’s not here.
But how do I start feeling more just grateful that I got to be loved by her & less like nothing has a point because I’ll never walk up those steps & see her bright smile as the door opened (please look at her smile! She was always, always smiling)

Thank you, I pray that peace finds all of us, and eventually joy comes knocking too☀️🌅🌻