Advice Request How do you guys split domestic duties?
I work full time, my wife is a stay-at-home mom. We have two kids, 8 (3rd grade) and 5 (starting kindergarten next year). The 5 year old stays home most days, but my wife brings him to various ECFE classes and speech therapy and other things during the week.
I’m trying to figure out what’s “normal” to expect outside of the time where I’m working.
Here’s a general idea of our routine:
When we wake up, we each help one of our two boys get ready (making sure they get dressed, brush their teeth, eat breakfast, school lunch packed, etc). Then my wife takes the kids to drive the big kid to school, and I head off to work.
When I get home, we trade off making dinner each week. So if it’s my week, I’ll get that started basically right when I get home. If it’s her week, I’ll relax a bit and veg out on my phone next to the kids while they play. Then after dinner, whoever didn’t cook does the dishes. Then we all-together try to tidy up whatever clutter has accumulated throughout the day, and then we trade off bathing the kids (same deal as in the morning: I take one kid, she takes the other, then we swap who we help each night). We get their teeth brushed, PJs on, and read to them, tuck them in, and stay with them until they’re asleep (or close to it). On Wednesdays, my wife has a book club she goes to so I manage bedtime w/ the kids solo.
On the weekends, we usually have some kiddo related activities. Swim class, soccer games, etc. we both attend the vast majority of these, but maybe once a month my wife has a thing with her friends so I end up doing something solo.
As far as other chores, I do all my own laundry, she does hers, and we try to split the kid’s laundry but she probably ends up doing 75% of it. We try to set aside one “deep clean” day a month where we scrub surfaces, bathrooms, etc, and I try to tackle whatever home maintenance tasks need tackling (light bulbs, fix broken stuff, unclog drains, etc)
My wife is usually the one to schedule stuff for the kids. She signs them up for camp, soccer, etc. dentist appointments, check-ups, and stuff like that.
When I explain all this to different friend groups, they tell me I’m doing too much, and my wife’s friends all tell her that I don’t do enough. I honestly don’t really care what our friends think, since we have something that is working for us, but it does make me wonder how different households handle this stuff. How does this compare to what you guys all do?
10
u/Canadairy 8, 5, 2 1d ago
I work full-time +. My wife is a SAHM.
I do 95% of the laundry (although my eldest can mostly do his own, and my 5 year old helps fold his.). It stressed her out, and doesn't bother me.
She does most of the cooking, vacuuming, dishes etc. I help when I'm home, but usually I'm at work when it's being done.
I do bed time. She does the morning school rush.
It doesn't really matter what your friends think. It matters how you and your wife feel about it.
6
u/ThrillaWmanilla 1d ago
If it works for you, don’t rock the boat.
We both do a little bit of everything and always feels like too much and not enough
31
u/AwskeetNYC 1d ago
Sounds like you guys split the chores very evenly.
The implied here is that because you make the money, she should do all child related shit. I'm here to say that's bullshit, you sound like a good dad and partner. Don't listen to garbage idiots.
5
u/thebaine 1d ago
I thought the implied was that he works and she has whatever time when the kids are in school. But it can still be bullshit cuz there’s so many invisible tasks vs the highly visible ones of actually keeping children fed, bathed and clothed.
6
u/Tilt-a-Whirl98 1d ago
Yea the problem I've got in my house with me working and her SaHM is she treats me being work as "time away" from the chaos at home. So I walk in the door and its time for me to "start helping." Like i get it, watching kids is stressful. But it's not really recognized that work is also pretty damn stressful a lot of the times.
But its working out fine, jut wanted to voice that into the aether since I'm sure as hell not gonna gripe about it to the wife lol
3
u/Witty-Passenger-8568 1d ago
The mentality that work is “time away” is very demeaning and takes away value from what you do. Nip that attitude in the bud. One of us has to deal with the joyous mayhem of taking care of kids and the other is getting a page at 3am to throw stents in somebody’s heart. If one wants to trade for the other then by all means go ahead.
0
u/PossessionFirst8197 1d ago
Eh, also look at it like if your wife is home with the kids all day and then is meant to come to your work in the evening to help you finish up in time for deadlines would you expect them to jump right in or sit around on their phone cause they are so tired from their day with the kids? Youre tired too youve just been at work for 8 hours and have another 8 to go, you both need a break!
0
u/Witty-Passenger-8568 19h ago
I’ll respectfully reiterate what I stated before. One is at the comfort of home with the children, the other is responsible for strangers lives. One is clearly more taxing than the other and shouldn’t be treated as “time away”.
1
u/thebaine 1d ago
I think this is pretty common but it can feel really defeating, like I don’t want to dread walking in the door. This is also why I shit at work at the end of the day. As soon as I get home, I’m back on the clock.
12
u/According_Ad5863 1d ago
I’ll keep my answer short as you will find something that works.
Tons of relationships are one sided and the side that does less never notices it until the cracks start. Unless you’re in a seriously bad relationship , when you’re raising kids there isn’t a “doing too much”. Something is always there even if it’s just quality time with the family.
If you need to split things by a dedicated list then that works best for some. My wife and I don’t keep track of tasks. We just do what’s necessary to keep the house running. Some weeks I’m beat or sick and she will do 80%. Or she’s sick and I’m covering. Other weeks we’re both feeling good so we do 50/50. I find it best to check in with your spouse daily. Ask them how they are and then change my game plan to accommodate. I get it wrong some times but it helps me read her better and I’m getting good at it.
Good luck with your problem !
11
u/Cool-breeze7 1d ago
Sounds like you have a healthy marriage despite both of you being surrounded by toxic people.
I try to love my wife. My wife tries to love me. Our system is that simple. If someone feels taken advantage of a bit or they have an unmet need, we discuss it like adults who aren’t self absorbed AH.
Keeping score in a marriage usually results in both people loosing.
3
u/LeafCocoaPunkS 1d ago
The scoreboard mindset turns every dishwasher load into evidence, and that's a miserable way to live with you're partner.
4
u/MisterMath 1d ago
We don’t really “split up” duties formally. We tried doing something like that and it ended up being more stressful and fight-inducing. We just do things and they come up, but we do have our own sort of duties. Like, outside maintenance in mine. Laundry is her. Dance class is mine. Swim class is hers. Other than that, we just do things as they need to be done and communicate if we feel tired or we have too much on our plate. Check in occasionally to make sure the other doesn’t feel burnt out.
Works pretty well
3
u/brand-new-low 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think you have a pretty healthy split.
I never read too much into what third parties have to say (ie your friends/her friends), in my opinion expecting "50/50" all of the time is a mental trap.
Things will never be exactly 50/50, my own marriage has been at times let's say 70/30 in either direction, depending on the circumstances of each of our careers at the time and what support each of us needed at the time.
If you guys are both happy and both given close to equal time for downtime then there's no problem.
3
u/Mikemtb09 1d ago
It sounds like you’re both doing all the jobs. Would it be a disaster for one person to do both baths and the other to do both tuck them in routines? Or is that not possible?
If the week on/off for dinners works for you great, but I’d do better splitting days instead (even/odd or MWF vs T/T/S plus an order out or pizza night). That way you have some days to relax every week instead of week on one week off.
2
u/full_bl33d 1d ago
Although my wife is very crunchy granola about gender and femininity/ masculine archetype roles and all that, she’s admitted we basically fall under boy / girl chores. She’s more organized so we play to our strengths. We’ve had discussions over mental work load so we’ll often ask if we can take this or that off the others plate. Just keeping up with the schedule is a major task and I’m very appreciative of that so I don’t mind doing some dirty work. I cook dinners, she packs lunches. We both work full time and are always doing dishes. Sometimes I’ll take the kids out of the house all day so she can clean / organize and says that’s what she prefers so I just try to listen and be helpful. Same team conversations, not trying to keep score or micro manage. The house isn’t spotless but we like it tidy. A big part of that came from managing expectations and letting the little shit go but not letting shit pile up.
2
u/ImaginationNo7722 1d ago
From what I just read, you and your wife are a team and you a both doing a great job! If the two of you and the kids are happy that's all that matters.
2
u/log_killer 1d ago
I'm honestly a bit confused by all the go-getters here. In spirit, I completely agree. But in practice you gotta care for yourself too.
My situation and household duties are very similar to yours. But I had been getting burned out as I'd be on duty or doing something from 7am to 9pm without much of a break, if any. My wife would have 1-2 hours of kid-free time and a similar social life as yours, though it was a problem if I wanted to be out of the house for an evening.
My only advice would be speak up before resentment builds. You don't need to rationalize how you're feeling but just talk it over. I made the mistake of waiting until I was absolutely burnt out and resentful, so now we're going thru the grueling process of couples counseling and it's not looking too good.
1
u/2wheelzrollin 1d ago
Doesn't seem like you're doing too much at all. It's about the same in my household and it's not so black and white. Each of us take on more if the other is too busy and vice versa. We both know we got a lot on our plates so we help each other out to make sure everything that needs to get done does.
1
u/boston_shua 1d ago
My wife works part time but has a long commute on those days
I work from home
We have “assigned” chores in that they fit with our lifestyle. Ex: she does laundry in her days off, I do the shopping, trash, majority of cooking and dishes, and we split the kid stuff because it works with our schedules.
If she ever has to work more or is busy with a girls night, I make sure to do a load of laundry and she reciprocates with dishes, etc. when I’m busy.
1
u/LumpyPeople4 1d ago
Outside of work, I feel that it should be 50/50. And by 50/50 I mean that you both should be putting in the effort to get all tasks done, not that you need to split the work 50/50 or alternate or anything. But working is a full time gig, and so is caretaking. So you both have full time jobs and it sucks to not get a break, but such is life. If you all have a different rhythm that works for you both then great, dont rock the boat. But outside of the standard working hours, it should be equal effort.
1
u/The_Cheeki_Breeki 1d ago
Our approach is “don’t give up the ship”. We just do what has to be done, and what the other person requires of us, in order to keep the household running.
We both work (although she’s on mat leave). We have dedicated chores, like she loves doing laundry and I hate it. I do all the cooking because she doesn’t know how, etc. but then everything else is left up to who notices the problem and who has time to solve it.
The big thing is communication. Here’s a common conversation we have:
Me: Hey babe I’m going to do the garbages
Her: hey thanks! I was just about to actually, do you want to get his bath ready instead and I’ll put the garbage and recycling out?
Me: Sure! Hey while I’m down here I’ll restock the wipes, I noticed we were low
Her: I refilled your water for you btw it’s upstairs
^ my wife says she competes and treats it like a game to see how much she can remove from my plate in a day. In turn, I do the exact same thing. We don’t actually compete or keep score, but the energy in our household is effectively “are we doing enough to remove burden from the other person?”
Assigning chores helps though if both of you are bad at cleaning or if you have poor communication. It makes it easier to identify who the bottleneck is
1
u/PM_ME_YOUR_DND_SHEET 1d ago
It'll never be 50/50 and that's okay. Some days you'll do more, and some days you'll do less. Help your partner when they need extra support, and they'll do the same. If you make it a competition, you won't win even if you do 100% of the chores/childcare.
1
1
u/SigurdCole 1d ago
It sounds like you're a pretty great team!
My only 2c is, early on my wife and I talked about which chores we find soul-crushing, and do them for each other whenever we can. I do most of the dishes and laundry, she does most of the cleaning and yardwork.
Otherwise, keep communicating and keep up the good work!
1
u/markusbrainus 1d ago
Looks like you're doing a great job. I see a total mix across my friends and acquaintances, where some dads do jack-squat for chores and just watch football every spare moment, while others are doing half or more of the home chores. Find the split that works for your family. With her being the SAHM I think there's a bit higher expectation that she's coordinating more kid stuff, but you need to make sure she gets some breaks from the kids when you're home evenings and weekends; it's exhausting minding the kids all day.
Why do you divide the laundry? We just combine it all and wash everything together. She has some clothing that has to be hang-dried, but you can figure that out pretty fast reading a few labels.
1
u/NoCherry606 22h ago
We try to do 50/50, but it has ended-up imbalanced and I'm struggling after 22 months.
I work from home, she is a stay at home mum.
Our son goes to daycare 2 days per week, 9 to 5.
A normal day:
- He wakes at 6:15AM, I'm with him until 8AM - breakfast, get dressed, play, stories, etc
- I wake her up, she comes down, I make her breakfast, then I go to work
- I come down to make his snack at 10AM half the time, as she forgets
- I make lunch every day, and then do clean-up
- Some days I also have to help put him down for his nap
- She expects me downstairs at 5PM, but work meetings sometimes run until 6PM, in which case she has to cook, otherwise I cook
- I also clean when I can
- I do the weekly food shopping
Weekends are more of the same, but instead of work I entertain our son, and cut the grass if needed.
Yeah, now that I've put it on paper, this doesn't really make sense.
1
u/reol7x 21h ago
I've always been a big proponent of split the "free time", not the chores.
You only have so much time in the he day, there will always be chores.
You both work full time(SAHM, your job).
Set aside 30 minutes or an hour each, and do your preferred chores the rest of the time.
Some days update may work a little more on chores. Some days she might, it's all a balancing act, and if you both feel it's working. It is.
1
u/yourefunny 20h ago
Looks like a great split... although your and her clothes separately seems odd to me. Ignore what others say. Maybe get some more time to yourself if she is having days off and evenings at book club etc?
1
u/nvolker 19h ago
She’s got a weird hang-up with doing other people’s laundry - just one of those things she personally hates to do, and it’s been that way since we moved in together. She says she thinks it’s because laundry was one of her big chores as a kid.
Thankfully, she says she doesn’t mind doing our kid’s laundry.
1
u/yourefunny 19h ago
Ah, right makes sense. Well I think you do a commendable job splitting the chores etc. When I was with my ex we had a pretty good split of the chores. I was mainly on cooking and washing up as she hates cooking and she was on laundry etc. Still, look in to getting some time to yourself! Would have done us wonders!
1
u/poqwrslr 20h ago
Our general division is that the inside of the house is my wife’s responsibility (stay-at- home mom) and everything outside is my responsibility. But we help each other. If I’m outside working in the yard often my wife will come out with the kids (if they’re not already out there) to help. I often do laundry, wash dishes, sweep/vacuum, etc. as I have time.
The kids are also given responsibilities to help around the house from a young age. For example, our 3yo sweeps the floor after meals and then our 8yo goes back over because obviously the 3yo misses a lot. We work to help him improve but the main point is for him to learn responsibility and to help.
Our kids have a “responsibilities list” they are to complete daily and weekly. They don’t get any kind of allowance for these items because these are things to “serve the family.” They get “paid” for other things beyond that list. For example, recently our 8yo helped by folding all of the laundry one morning. She got up early and did it before anyone else was awake. I took her for ice cream and to the batting cage (she plays softball) that weekend. While laundry is on the “responsibilities list,” her folding everyone’s was above and beyond.
I think the big thing is that we see our home as “our responsibility.” I know I said above that everything inside the house is my wife’s responsibility and everything outside is my responsibility, and while it does kind of break down that way really we don’t even look at it like that. Our home is both of our responsibilities and we work together to accomplish the tasks that need to be done. If my wife is washing dishes in the evening, or completing whatever task, and I’m sitting on the couch doing nothing then likely there is a problem and I need to get up off my lazy butt and help with something. We’re a team working together.
1
u/Notawettowel 19h ago
I would say that sounds like a pretty good setup, as long as you and the wife are both happy with it, I’d keep it up.
I think her friends’ influence could make her unhappy with the setup, and yours sound like (no offense) dicks.
1
u/DavidJJ93 19h ago
If it needs doing it gets done. That way when we find a quiet hour we can enjoy it rather than flying through a list of chores
1
u/Randon-Wilston 18h ago
We both work full time with a 1 yo girl, a 4yo boy, and a 7 yo boy. She drops them off at daycare/school I pick them up dinner is a toss up. She does most of the laundry I do dishes. I coach soccer/fix most things around the house/mow Lawn/shovel snow. We are super busy all the time in a good way and help each other when we can. Good luck
1
u/dagodpapa87 17h ago
If I can do it, I do it. Trade off is I don't have a lot of personal down time and some may say I need to carve out time for myself but at this stage in life with 3 under 6, that may be a "nice to have". That's how I see it anyway.
1
u/Top-Current1189 1d ago
I am SAHM and my husband works full time.
He does cat care and litterbox, takes out trash, moves all heavy objects, takes in groceries, and some child care like holding her and changing diapers. He probably changes one diaper for every 10 I change.
I make 95% of meals and my husband only cooks if I am sick or if baby is unmanageable. He sometimes makes breakfast on his days off.
I also do 95% of tidying, cleaning, and laundry. I do all our laundry and prepare his work outfits for the following day. I also meal prep lunches for his work and do all meal planning and make grocery lists.
He works 50 hour weeks and pays the bills. He offers to do more but I try to ensure he has rest time. I am very happy with our arrangement and it feels natural.
1
u/Deathclaw_Hunter6969 1d ago
She does everything inside and I do everything outside. She picks out curtains and such and I get to hang them. She cooks, cleans and does the dishes, I fix all the broken stuff
60
u/SeeDeez 1d ago
We just go with the flow. Whoevers available to do it ends up doing it.