Advice Request How do you guys split domestic duties?
I work full time, my wife is a stay-at-home mom. We have two kids, 8 (3rd grade) and 5 (starting kindergarten next year). The 5 year old stays home most days, but my wife brings him to various ECFE classes and speech therapy and other things during the week.
I’m trying to figure out what’s “normal” to expect outside of the time where I’m working.
Here’s a general idea of our routine:
When we wake up, we each help one of our two boys get ready (making sure they get dressed, brush their teeth, eat breakfast, school lunch packed, etc). Then my wife takes the kids to drive the big kid to school, and I head off to work.
When I get home, we trade off making dinner each week. So if it’s my week, I’ll get that started basically right when I get home. If it’s her week, I’ll relax a bit and veg out on my phone next to the kids while they play. Then after dinner, whoever didn’t cook does the dishes. Then we all-together try to tidy up whatever clutter has accumulated throughout the day, and then we trade off bathing the kids (same deal as in the morning: I take one kid, she takes the other, then we swap who we help each night). We get their teeth brushed, PJs on, and read to them, tuck them in, and stay with them until they’re asleep (or close to it). On Wednesdays, my wife has a book club she goes to so I manage bedtime w/ the kids solo.
On the weekends, we usually have some kiddo related activities. Swim class, soccer games, etc. we both attend the vast majority of these, but maybe once a month my wife has a thing with her friends so I end up doing something solo.
As far as other chores, I do all my own laundry, she does hers, and we try to split the kid’s laundry but she probably ends up doing 75% of it. We try to set aside one “deep clean” day a month where we scrub surfaces, bathrooms, etc, and I try to tackle whatever home maintenance tasks need tackling (light bulbs, fix broken stuff, unclog drains, etc)
My wife is usually the one to schedule stuff for the kids. She signs them up for camp, soccer, etc. dentist appointments, check-ups, and stuff like that.
When I explain all this to different friend groups, they tell me I’m doing too much, and my wife’s friends all tell her that I don’t do enough. I honestly don’t really care what our friends think, since we have something that is working for us, but it does make me wonder how different households handle this stuff. How does this compare to what you guys all do?
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u/poqwrslr 21h ago
Our general division is that the inside of the house is my wife’s responsibility (stay-at- home mom) and everything outside is my responsibility. But we help each other. If I’m outside working in the yard often my wife will come out with the kids (if they’re not already out there) to help. I often do laundry, wash dishes, sweep/vacuum, etc. as I have time.
The kids are also given responsibilities to help around the house from a young age. For example, our 3yo sweeps the floor after meals and then our 8yo goes back over because obviously the 3yo misses a lot. We work to help him improve but the main point is for him to learn responsibility and to help.
Our kids have a “responsibilities list” they are to complete daily and weekly. They don’t get any kind of allowance for these items because these are things to “serve the family.” They get “paid” for other things beyond that list. For example, recently our 8yo helped by folding all of the laundry one morning. She got up early and did it before anyone else was awake. I took her for ice cream and to the batting cage (she plays softball) that weekend. While laundry is on the “responsibilities list,” her folding everyone’s was above and beyond.
I think the big thing is that we see our home as “our responsibility.” I know I said above that everything inside the house is my wife’s responsibility and everything outside is my responsibility, and while it does kind of break down that way really we don’t even look at it like that. Our home is both of our responsibilities and we work together to accomplish the tasks that need to be done. If my wife is washing dishes in the evening, or completing whatever task, and I’m sitting on the couch doing nothing then likely there is a problem and I need to get up off my lazy butt and help with something. We’re a team working together.