How do you guys split domestic duties?

[u/nvolker]

I work full time, my wife is a stay-at-home mom. We have two kids, 8 (3rd grade) and 5 (starting kindergarten next year). The 5 year old stays home most days, but my wife brings him to various ECFE classes and speech therapy and other things during the week.

I’m trying to figure out what’s “normal” to expect outside of the time where I’m working.

Here’s a general idea of our routine:

When we wake up, we each help one of our two boys get ready (making sure they get dressed, brush their teeth, eat breakfast, school lunch packed, etc). Then my wife takes the kids to drive the big kid to school, and I head off to work.

When I get home, we trade off making dinner each week. So if it’s my week, I’ll get that started basically right when I get home. If it’s her week, I’ll relax a bit and veg out on my phone next to the kids while they play. Then after dinner, whoever didn’t cook does the dishes. Then we all-together try to tidy up whatever clutter has accumulated throughout the day, and then we trade off bathing the kids (same deal as in the morning: I take one kid, she takes the other, then we swap who we help each night). We get their teeth brushed, PJs on, and read to them, tuck them in, and stay with them until they’re asleep (or close to it). On Wednesdays, my wife has a book club she goes to so I manage bedtime w/ the kids solo.

On the weekends, we usually have some kiddo related activities. Swim class, soccer games, etc. we both attend the vast majority of these, but maybe once a month my wife has a thing with her friends so I end up doing something solo.

As far as other chores, I do all my own laundry, she does hers, and we try to split the kid’s laundry but she probably ends up doing 75% of it. We try to set aside one “deep clean” day a month where we scrub surfaces, bathrooms, etc, and I try to tackle whatever home maintenance tasks need tackling (light bulbs, fix broken stuff, unclog drains, etc)

My wife is usually the one to schedule stuff for the kids. She signs them up for camp, soccer, etc. dentist appointments, check-ups, and stuff like that.

When I explain all this to different friend groups, they tell me I’m doing too much, and my wife’s friends all tell her that I don’t do enough. I honestly don’t really care what our friends think, since we have something that is working for us, but it does make me wonder how different households handle this stuff. How does this compare to what you guys all do?

[u/AwskeetNYC]

Sounds like you guys split the chores very evenly.

The implied here is that because you make the money, she should do all child related shit. I'm here to say that's bullshit, you sound like a good dad and partner. Don't listen to garbage idiots.

[u/thebaine → u/AwskeetNYC]

I thought the implied was that he works and she has whatever time when the kids are in school. But it can still be bullshit cuz there’s so many invisible tasks vs the highly visible ones of actually keeping children fed, bathed and clothed.

[u/Tilt-a-Whirl98 → u/thebaine]

Yea the problem I've got in my house with me working and her SaHM is she treats me being work as "time away" from the chaos at home. So I walk in the door and its time for me to "start helping." Like i get it, watching kids is stressful. But it's not really recognized that work is also pretty damn stressful a lot of the times.

But its working out fine, jut wanted to voice that into the aether since I'm sure as hell not gonna gripe about it to the wife lol

[u/Witty-Passenger-8568 → u/Tilt-a-Whirl98]

The mentality that work is “time away” is very demeaning and takes away value from what you do. Nip that attitude in the bud. One of us has to deal with the joyous mayhem of taking care of kids and the other is getting a page at 3am to throw stents in somebody’s heart. If one wants to trade for the other then by all means go ahead.

[u/PossessionFirst8197 → u/Witty-Passenger-8568]

Eh, also look at it like if your wife is home with the kids all day and then is meant to come to your work in the evening to help you finish up in time for deadlines would you expect them to jump right in or sit around on their phone cause they are so tired from their day with the kids? Youre tired too youve just been at work for 8 hours and have another 8 to go, you both need a break!

[u/Witty-Passenger-8568 → u/PossessionFirst8197]

I’ll respectfully reiterate what I stated before. One is at the comfort of home with the children, the other is responsible for strangers lives. One is clearly more taxing than the other and shouldn’t be treated as “time away”.

[u/thebaine → u/Tilt-a-Whirl98]

I think this is pretty common but it can feel really defeating, like I don’t want to dread walking in the door. This is also why I shit at work at the end of the day. As soon as I get home, I’m back on the clock.