I have been diagnosed with DID for years. Because of this diagnosis I was never able to receive care, as all the trauma treatment centers have DID as an exclusion criterion. Two years ago I went to a new treatment center and I didn't disclose the DID on intake. I just talked about some recent trauma, my depression and my wish to work through the recent trauma. They started working with me. Soon it became clear I couldn't just emdr the recent trauma, and we did the chronological order thing, I then mentioned the DID and they said no problem.. But now I have had over a 100 sessions and recently my therapists are taking about me going over budget and how no one is going this long in trauma therapy. I've only done a year of EMDR and it doesn't feel that long. They say did needs around 3 years of emdr + stabilizing treatments. I am not getting any stabilisation. That last part is messing with me a bit, they expect me to be able to handle it all, not to destabilize but I am feeling them not at all understanding what is happening when I switch or like they think I am being difficult if I disagree with myself. They clearly do not notice the switches besides thinking I sometimes show up angry (that just the face my other part makes) which keeps leading to confusion and them then trying to challenge my anger or something which is non existent but then I get frustrated because well im accused of being angry. And furthermore when I do set boundaries THATS often when I get asked 'oh is this a defensive part?' while the did is still ignored in emdr and I am now experiencing this thing where my adult daily life parts have worked through mist of their triggering stuff, but the younger parts and the emotional fragments are as loose cannons as ever, and I have zero skills to deal with situations when they get triggered.

So right now I am doubting my entire treatment. I am not sure if emdr is still the way to go, if it's even helping at all. Or what modality I do need to actually help the younger and traumatized parts. Does anyone have any experience with this? I sometimes feel like the devide between my 'healthy' parts and sick parts just gets bigger. How do I help the traumatized parts.

I've seen my therapist for 7 months and she used to email me after our sessions and respond to my emails. Sometimes they were emails I would send in distress and she would respond or get someone from the office to reach out.

After I disclosed my attachment she responded twice and is now not responding at all, even to genuine emails where I am asking questions, not therapeutic material. I'm struggling with the change in boundaries and can't help but feel rejected and that shes changed her view on me. It feels as if I'm being punished for feeling things so deeply.

I wonder if she regrets how she dealt with me in the beginning and would do things differently if she could go back. She knew about the issues I had with my mother and still chose to be that warm caring person. I'm angry and feel like I've been manipulated.

I've been in therapy for about two years with a DBT therapist (video sessions and WhatsApp support between sessions). I have MDD, GAD and BPD, I live with my parents (a hard environment for me), and I'm isolated and out of work.

I went into my last session (mid September) after a good week where I'd stepped out of the house several times. The session focused on tasks I hadn't done while I was sick, my social life, and random stats that put me down and felt like a personal attack. I left feeling deflated, especially since I'd wanted to talk about my upcoming birthday, which is always hard for me.

I texted her that the session hadn't sat well with me. She replied with "splitting" and "devaluation" and said “I wasn't willing to change”. I pushed back, sometimes sharply. She said she doesn't resolve conflict over text and suggested we talk in session.

On my birthday I reached out in a bad place, and the conversation kept going over text, not conflict resolution but where my distrust and discomfort were coming from. She apologised that I felt hurt but said she'd never say these things were wrong, only that I was painting her in a light she didn't deserve.

She told me to book a session and I did to fix things on multiple days. She cancelled it on the day without explaining, refunded it, and asked me to take a few weeks to reflect on my behaviour. She said she'd only continue if I committed to collaborating instead of combating and understood "my limitations."

When I asked what that meant, since I couldn't tell what I was meant to take responsibility for, we went back and forth a bit and she ended with "let's revisit this later." Nothing since. Been about two weeks now.

Her side, as I understand it: my messages were disrespectful and combative in tone, I cast her as the villain, and I read disagreement as an attack.

My side: I was angry and sometimes sharp, and I could have communicated better. But it felt like every disagreement was read as a symptom, the labels weren't tied to specific behaviours, and the terms for coming back are too vague to meet. My trust has taken a hit, and I'm more hesitant to be open with her.

Questions:
1. Is pausing treatment with conditions like this standard, and is the delivery reasonable (text, same-day cancellation, vague terms)?
2. How are ruptures normally repaired in DBT?
3. She said she needs time to regulate. Should I reach out, or wait for her? I don't want a message to count as another breach of boundary.
4. My tone was no different from what she's always handled before, and she never raised it. Is there something I'm missing?

I'm getting a therapist soon, and I feel like I won't be able to change but I really do want to change to be a better person. I was hoping if I could request for a therapist to convince me to change even if I know I probably won't be able to change anytime soon into the person I want to be. But I really do want to change.

I'd been fighting anxiety and depression for years and kind of expected therapy to have a finish line... well, this is what it feels like

If you have had your therapist lie to law enforcement and abuse their position this way and may be interested in being in a journalism story about it, please lmk. Comment and someone will dm u or dm. I am trying to help someone getting this together i am not the journalist. This is to help the issue not to take ur hardearned $.

I can't really sleep. And I keep attempting to invalidate the strong feelings I still feel towards my previous therapist, because how could someone I spent less than 2 years with have had such a profound impact on me? I know time doesn't always matter, but I went through the math anyways.

~260 sessions with my previous therapist over the course of 1 year and 8 months. Not even counting the "unofficial sessions".

There was only a handful of sessions we didn't go over time. Almost every single session we went over a minimum of 20 minutes. Mostly 30 mins over. Sometimes hours longer. There were a couple of times she rescheduled another client or cancelled the session after ours so we could run our session longer. Even though I refused. She would do it anyways. Sometimes she would block out the hour after our session in advance and wouldn't charge me for it. We had one or two emergency weekend sessions despite her clocking out at Fridays at noon. Check-in calls. Occasional hour long phone calls on weekends, week nights, afternoons, mornings. Frequent texting. Letters. Voice messages. So much more.

I didn't ask for any of it. I didn't hint at any of it. She insisted. Repeatedly. Even when I refused. She insisted.

We still spoke for maybe 5 months after she ended things. Purely logistical after the 1st month.

I don't know.

She regularly told me how exceptional I was to her, and her 18 years of experience added weight to those disclosures.

It's been almost a year since she ended things. I still think about her everyday. I don't know if I'll ever get over her.

-----

Reporting her has already been suggested enough times. I don't really need to hear that again, but I understand if someone suggests it again anyways.

I’m a guy that’s in therapy for a very specific issue. I found a very rare therapist in my area that specializes in my specific background and she is absolutely great. I’ve made so much progress under her care the past two years.

My problem is that I’m becoming attracted to her. She was not the type of woman I’d normally go for, but after consistently talking for two years, I’ve developed a pretty big crush on her. She seems like a very likable person. And it doesn’t help that she has been working on her health and appearance; she’s really turned into eye candy (for lack of a better term) to me. I’ve had many sexual dreams about her the in the past months. I worry that I’ve begun looking forward to just seeing her in our sessions more than I look forward doing the actual work I need to do. I’ve tried to regroup and focus but our last few months feel like I’m very distracted and I think she has noticed that I’ve hit a wall.

She has no idea about my new feelings and I would never tell her. My therapist has been nothing but professional this entire time. She has never remotely said anything of a suggestive or inappropriate nature to give me any idea that she was interested in me. I’ve also never said anything of the like to her. I know very little about her life and she doesn’t share much personal information with me. There is a firm boundary there that I respect and expect. This problem is all me. Would it be advisable for me to consider finding a new therapist? Or is developing a crush/attraction just a common thing for therapist/client relationship that can be worked through?

This is messy and complex so try not to assume everything is covered in this text...

I was very attached and trying to weigh up all the pros and cons. I brought up about 7 or so different times that I wasn't happy with things. But in-between that things were good.

Sometimes things were great, she felt warm, I felt understood, I learnt more about myself, and got a solid new perspective. But those great times were so rare.

I felt like I was being breadcrumbed by my therapist.

She was clearly capable so why not be like that all the time...

It felt like she dodged difficult work sometimes and was more likely to emotionally engage in small talk and things like that.

This was frustrating because I was trying so hard to grow and fighting incredible anxiety just to show up and let myself be seen.

I had her on such a pedestal...

I needed to, I found her at a very dark time, a time I wish she did more to help me through... But when you are absolutely starving breadcrumbs are better than nothing right?

Until they aren't.

I kinda threatened to/ did leave a few times for a short period.

But I didn't really want to, I just wanted her to show up better or definitively tell me she couldn't or wouldn't...

The last time she said it felt different to the last times I said goodbye. Then I emailed her all my feelings about it, good and bad. As if I explained myself enough times using the right words it would all click into place and make the work we were doing more efficient and meaningful...

So many words, I was so raw and honest. She thanked me and gave what felt like a slightly clinical and very brief goodbye.

When I received her response it all set in.

Feeling breadcrumbed, exposed without being guided, the off comments she made, feeling totally dropped so many times...

I cried 6 times in one day and sent her a poem.

She didn't respond.

A few weeks later I finally for the first time in the relationship called her out, she wasn't on a pedestal anymore. It was very cutting, but not totally feral.

She didn't reply.

A week later I have an extremely heartfelt and insightful apology, I took accountability and said I was ashamed I spoke to someone I respected and relied on that way.

She didn't reply.

I'm not going to message her again.

I just thought after like 4 years, all the time, all the times she complimented me, how raw and generous I was with my emotions, that she would idk.

It just really feels like she couldn't give a shit.

I already told her I struggle not to assume the worst in silence, I told her this in the apology and years ago when I was disclosing trauma.

I guess I just have to deal with the fact that she was largely absent the whole time, the ending is just a final reflection of that.

And it hurts to accept.

She was the best therapist I ever had, and I had loads growing up.

I honestly doubt this entire profession now...

Really struggling to get it all out of my head, it aches so much... I keep trying to solve the unsolvable, starving for answers I'll never have so I try to just shift my attention.

It's tough, but I'm still moving forward with life at least.

I’ve been seeing my therapist for 3 years, and over time I’ve developed a very strong attachment to her.

We’ve discussed my attachment and difficulty with separation, but I feel like most of the focus has been on my attachment history rather than how the therapeutic relationship itself may have contributed to these feelings.

My therapist has been incredibly accommodating with scheduling, additional sessions, and contact outside sessions. While I’m grateful for her support, I’ve started wondering whether that level of availability reinforced my dependence on her.

She’s occasionally shared how my decisions to withdraw or consider termination have hurt her, as well as concerns about whether I think she’s a good therapist. Those disclosures have sometimes left me feeling responsible for her feelings.

I’m considering termination because the relationship has become emotionally painful, and I feel we’ve missed opportunities to examine what’s happening between us.

My question for therapists is: At what point is it a therapist’s responsibility to examine their own boundaries, self-disclosures, and contributions to a client’s attachment rather than primarily exploring the client’s attachment patterns? And how should that be addressed clinically?

Edit: Something else I’ve been struggling to understand is that my therapist has said she won’t share how I come across to her or what she personally thinks of me. However, she has shared that my withdrawals hurt her, that she worries I think she’s a bad therapist, and that if our relationship were a friendship, she would have left to protect herself.

What’s confusing is that I actually appreciate some of these disclosures because they make me feel closer to her. But I also wonder why she’s comfortable sharing her own hurt or insecurity while maintaining boundaries around sharing her perceptions of me

Hey all, I've never done therapy before so am pretty inexperienced with the whole process. I've been doing some free consults (specifically for sex therapy, so quite sensitive especially for someone who's never done therapy before), and I've found a few therapists who seem like a great fit but they do not accept my insurance.

There are only a few AASECT-certified sex therapists in my state who do accept my insurance (I have an HMO so out of network reimbursement is not an option). I haven't had a consult with them just yet, but if they're not seemingly as ideal of a fit as the other ones, I wonder if I'd be shooting myself in the foot by going with the cheap (or free, in my case) option even if I don't vibe with them as well.

Any experienced therapy-goers have any thoughts or wisdom?

Hi it’s me again (22F)! I just wanted to know how do you address instances where parents might have been abusive or neglectful without outright saying it? Or at least in a way that avoids the whole mandatory reporting thing? I currently reside in Maryland and I just googled the rules here. It basically said that there’s no statute of limitations for abuse, it still has to be reported, and that the person could potentially face criminal charges even if you refuse to cooperate because the state can sue them? Correct me if I’m wrong.

I still live with this parent and they don’t cause me physical harm anymore and haven’t really since I became an adult. IThey actually encouraged me to go to therapy when I was unsure. I only want to discuss it so I can vent, heal emotionally, and so my therapist will have a better understanding of why I am how I am as it relates to my parent.

I don’t believe I deserve to be loved or cared for and I don’t know why really growing up I typically pushed myself to like outside loner roles and such not because I was try to be cool or a phase it was because I kinda like being the clown the chaos but also watching because people didn’t expect the kid or guy that’s weird or talks to much to actually be listening but I also keep an internal debt counter remember all the nice things and good things people have done for me and I try to do more than they did not to compete but because I feel like I gotta repay the debt in interest even tho the other person doesn’t see a debt

Hi everyone,

I’d love to get your thoughts on this! I would like to learn more about this, because I think I don't really understand what being ethically truly means. :-)

A therapist defended their online presence on their professional Instagram account with the following message:

"If you don't like a psychologist being on Instagram, that's fine. But someone else deciding for me what I can or cannot do... I don't agree with that. As long as I stay online ethically and keep my therapy and online presence separate, I genuinely believe we as care providers are allowed to take up space here."

The argument is that clients are autonomous adults who are responsible for their own boundaries, so they can simply unfollow if the content bothers them. But if the client carries 100% of the responsibility in that, what is left of those ethics?

The therapist strongly believes they can post whatever they want about themselves. Which probably is true? But then again, what is considered ethical in this case?

For example: the therapist had a miscarriage and posted about their raw grief, a couple of days after it happened. I thought disclosure is safer when the therapist has processed their experience enough to speak about it from a stable place. In another video (on another platform) the therapist said they felt very lonely because nobody around them had been through it, so no one really understood them... And that some clients later brought up their own losses after seeing their post. The therapist described those sessions as beautiful. I know therapists can get something meaningful out of their work and I’m not saying those sessions did no good for the client. But it feels to me like the therapist may have gotten a lot out of them because she was lonely and still grieving.

And I genuinely wish therapists can find meaning in their work. I know it’s a hard job.

But I wonder when a therapist is still in the middle of their own grief, are those sessions mainly for them or really for the client? Where do you draw the line between healthy self-disclosure and using clients for support?

Is it ethical to post specific therapy themes discussed in sessions that week on IG stories? (for example: playing the 'glass child' role in a high-stress family, struggling to check into the body, romantic relationship issues)

What about posting a reel about a client who made a presentation summarizing everything that happened in their life while the therapist was away for two months?

Is interacting in the comments with clients considered ethical?

Or does ethical mean they can't sent messages with their clients? (Although I've read quite often that it's okay to sent each other memes? Or is it about following clients accounts? Or politics?

And if you place 100% of the responsibility on the client, haven't you completely removed "ethics" from the equation then?

What does "being ethically online" actually mean in practice if it doesn't include protecting the therapeutic bond and avoiding power imbalance dynamics?

I’ve been seeing my current therapist over zoom for 5 years. It’s been going ok, but I don’t feel we have much of a connection. I have a previous therapist I saw in person for 14 years. With that therapist I felt a strong connection. When I ended with that therapist a decade ago, she gave me a card:

Dear Client,
It is with a heavy heart that I say goodbye to you today….Although it is a goodbye, I want you to know that I will continue to think of you, wonder how you are doing, and “pray” for you and your continued healing. I know your illness makes it very difficult to believe me and trust me…please fight off those negative feelings and thoughts. The amazing and unique (and sometimes painful) relationship we have shared does not deserve doubt.
Continue your journey of healing with the knowledge that you are loveable and cherished. I care about you very deeply and will continue to do so.
Goodbyes are painful but inevitable in life. I have faith in you. I believe in you.
Much love,
Therapist

She also gave me two lists she made, not from templates I think. And stones that said “love & faith” on them. I had transference towards my previous therapist and brought up to my current therapist how I got over that transference after we ended. I tell myself that the previous therapist did not love me romantically or personally but therapeutically she did. My current therapist got a look on her face and said “therapists do not love their clients, we care deeply but it’s not love” I reiterated that I meant this previous therapist did love me, only as client, but I felt like she did. I told my current therapist it is important for a therapist I see to like me as a person. She gets another look on her face and I said “you don’t dislike me do you?” She paused and said “uhhhh no” like she was just saying that to not hurt my feelings or she was unsure.

My question is: Do some therapists love their clients? Is it too much to ask to have a therapist again like the previous one that made me feel seen and cared for? Should I switch therapist?

​

Hi (name),

I get a bit awkward talking about this stuff, and I think it's easier to say it with a bit of distance, so I don't have to try to explain it all live.

I've had a pretty rough week being ill with a chest thing, and it's been a bit harder than I'd like to admit. I'm tired, and it's been difficult to express this to my partner. I miss running, swimming, work, and connection, and even though I know the physical distance is what it is, I still want closeness. Instead I've felt disconnected and quite guilty that my partner is carrying the business while I'm out of action. That push and pull I get around attention has been coming up a lot. I want to be cared for, but it makes my skin crawl, and I do a lot to avoid it.

I think that's partly why I escape into fiction, its familiar and comfortable for me. It gives me a certain feeling without having to be vulnerable with another person, though I'm not really sure what to make of that yet. I think it's partly the same reason being kind to myself feels strangely empty. I'm okay at looking after myself in practical ways and getting on with things, but the softness feels like pretending, or like I'm waiting for someone else to tell me I'm allowed it.

I just wanted you to have a sense of where I'm at this week, because my battery may be a little low!

See you later on.

Thanks,

(Name).

My therapist of five years is gone a month on what sounds like an amazing vacation. My attachment has gotten better about gaps but it's never been a gap this long. I had a chance to visit family sometime this year and I purposely planned it for during this gap. I even watched the movie What About Bob? To amuse myself. I still have a few weeks left of this but I just miss my T. That is all

So, I don't currently have a therapist as of this week but I'm wondering for possibly when I go back. How can I talk to a professional about this when it could be about them? Didn't have it with my most recent one though. I'm 19(ftm).

I come for mental illness, so there's not usually space for this kinda stuff. However... I think it's genuinely taking a toll on me. Even with my previous therapist I couldn't really discuss it at all.

When I was 15, I fell in love with a teacher. Everyone disliked her at first but I instantly loved her. We often talked and texted (I had her number because she specifically mentored my class). Basically she supported me a lot and she was very funny. So I fell in love with her. Everyone I fancied resembled her in some way. After she left we texted a bit and then after two years I was finally over it.

Over time, I had crushes on like 3 teachers (to the point of only falling asleep to the thought of them beside me). And therapists or care workers. It's horrible because I know I can't have them at all. And I feel incredibly guilty about it because I do respect them.

I might sound weird from all this, but I'm a regular person. I go to college, completely normal. I have dates with people my own age occasionally. I read and write and I don't really go out, but sometimes I drink with friends. I have friends and a life. But this just keeps sticking and it makes me feel awful.

Does anyone have any tips? I know it's weird and that's exactly why I don't know how to mention this to anyone. It's genuinely a problem.

I ran into my therapist at the post office shortly after our session concluded. I was in line when they walked in. We smiled at each other…I was shook and visibly took a deep breath. They texted me “Hi :)” to which I replied “🫪”.

That is all.

I have a very negative experience with therapy due to how messed up and poorly handled mental health services are handled in the UK.

The one before this one dropped me after a mental breakdown which messed me up badly, trust issues worsened.

I was upfront with this therapist from the beginning that I have trust issues with therapists and explained the previous situation to her which she felt was very irresponsibly handled. We got off to an okay start, I took a while to open up properly and trust her with some heavy stuff but I felt like we were building up a decent dynamic, but one session I said how I feel like she didn’t believe me and then she responded in a defensive tone saying “or maybe I was trying to understand better because I believe you” and she then stated she, and I quote: “felt this dance between us” which felt a bit out of left field and quite antagonistic to essentially say she felt there was tension between us.

There were a few more incidents too which made me feel she wasn’t a good fit for me, not only did she not help me properly process a lot of trauma which occurred to me instead just muddying the waters and making me more confused, not intentional but still a very negative effect of therapy, but one time I emailed her an important life decision about me coming out to my father as trans and the following session she started with a moody tone and said “I just don’t understand why you’d tell me this” when she’s handled life updates via emails before like when I came out to my mother etc.

Another case was me describing a situation where I was unaware I made a mistake and she bluntly told me what I did wrong and kept doing so despite the fact I sounded quite distressed and upset and whilst what she was saying was true it felt quite cold to then rub salt in the wound adding justification to the other person’s side by saying how my actions made things worse, it was quite harsh and it made me feel nervous to open up about my mistakes.

As well I described how a big feeling I have is because of constant rejection in my life I often feel like an alien in human skin and her response was one of blame towards me how because I feel this way it’s my fault and a frustrated energy which made me feel needlessly attacked when I do my best to try and make connections in spite of these feelings.

I confronted her about a lot of this in one session, prefacing in an email about talking points for next session being wanting to discuss our dynamic (as said previously I would send emails with talking points for each session just so I could remain focused) and she interrupted me as I was talking stating how she was confused and again got quite defensive over a lot of my points. She acknowledged she had interrupted a fair amount in the session and I brushed it aside because I was trying to be understands but It was after that final session I just didn’t feel comfortable with her anymore.

More time has passed a lot of these incidents have grated at me. My current therapist since is okay but it just rubbed salt in the wound that I have a hard time trusting people since I was a kid. I felt very judged and uncomfortable after a while and nervous a session would go wrong.

She wasn’t a god awful therapist by any means but I felt she was too emotionally detached for my needs and for me I need someone more warm and supportive towards my pain.

I've been really struggling. I haven't been in a place this dark for quite a while. I have an appointment in two days and I'm really anxious about how it's going to go. He knows I'm not doing well, but I'm scared to tell him that I have a plan to kill myself (although not sure if I would go through with it), even though I know I need help and I trust him. I really am worried about his reaction, and the possibility of hospital or the police getting involved.

I feel like I'm going to throw up when I think about telling him, but then I think about 𝘯𝘰𝘵 telling him and I am so scared and feel even more alone. I know I should tell him and clearly part of me wants to, but I also really don't want to.

It’s been a shit show, but for a while I thought I had risen above - got a good education, worked since I was 15 as much as I could so I has some independence / didn’t have to rely on the unreliable (my family while I was a minor)
Thought I was doing ok,
Then covid,
Cheating,
Relocation impulsively on someone whos been flirting with for a while and insisted he wanted me to- he didn’t, jsut liked the sex and I got used to knowing /believing that’s all I’m worth, the only reason people would stand to be around me. And now i got myself
Out of that situation by being blamed for miscarriage that I didn’t know about / plan,
But..,..have no one anymore. Friends had babies and are preoccupied which I get but I made so much effort to be there for them without being overbearing, text them just to say I was thinking of them their family here for you love to see you when you’re up for it but lmk if you need anything or if I can grubhub something to you” - not wanting to intrude on a sensitive time but be known I love and am available to them when ready. One disappeared completely for 2 years (ppd - which I get, but at a point I reached out to her husband cuz I haven’t even get a thumbs up or a “.” Sent like we would during covid during a check up - we were all so exhausted and burnt out we’d send a “pulse check” to our besties/ anyone that had a really rough shift and knowing you don’t always want to talk about it, even a nonsensical emoji or letter was always sent back, just some sign of life. She didn’t respond for a week. I ended up calling her husband cuz I was scared at that point - if she didn’t want to associate anymore at that point I didn’t care if that’s her choice - but I was genuinely concerned something happened to her /the baby. They were fine. Just not up for talking. Another bff I was with through all her labor bc her bf/“husband” was out of the country with his other family wasn’t…..had a broken arm and tbi then but still showed up, stayed for hourse, monitored every vital and medication change, hadn’t eaten since i was fasting for a morning physical/ bloodwork, when her husband did show up around 2 am he ate my sandwich told me I could leave and then called me 30 min later cuz she woke up and was crying for me…of course I turned immediately around and stayed till 7 am when she was pushing, and came back the same day to check on her postpartum and see the baby, but she went full post partum psychosis said I was only there for 30 minutes and was dead to her…..I let her berate me for a while cuz she was one of my best friends and. Yknow, baby hormones. But it never stopped, and whenever her bf/“husband” went back to PR she took it out on me and all it took was one time of me being like “stop, take a minute, a day, a week of you need, but reassess the situation, go through messages, whatever you need to, and we can try to resolve this but I’m not going to engage when you just want to attack”
Apparently that meant I want her baby deported (even tho PR is part of the US but logic has no use at this point)

Just, everything’s going to shit. I’m drinking more that I should. With moving and moving back I haven’t been able to get an appt with a primary / psychologist yo get back on my adhd meds that I’ve been on for 12 years as well as medication for depression, also long standing

I have no support, my “best friends” are either consumed with their babies or blaming me for taking travel assignments around the country and not being as available for them after birth as I was before (even when I was there for them more than their husbands)
And my last two bfs, one who proposed to me and one who demanded I move out to him and took me too long to realize he loved the idea he made of me, not me,
I thought I had better judgement
I was selective of who I believed. Deserved my trust/attention/affection,
And for those people I would move mountains

But turns out I was an idiot all along and played as such. It was only one sided, me thinking we were in the same page/wave length

I don’t trust anyone anymore. I don’t trust myself to trust anyone. And I think it’s for the best that I way, but the isolation is painful. Idk what I want / am hoping for,
But I’ll try anything at this point. I just don’t want to feel like this anymore, I want to move on, and I don’t any drugs I’ll have to taper off from to dull everything and just delay me dealing with the inevitable. I guess like getting a leg amputated versus a year stay for multiple skin grafts/medications/operations….. just want to cut the leg off and be done.
But the leg is my stupidity in trusting people I shouldn’t have. Making myself smaller, more subservient, more agreeable to not cause drama….

And it still didn’t work.
I don’t know what to do

I had my first therapy session in years today. it don't think it went very well and im not sure what to do from here.

going through a bit of a rough patch, obviously. I lost a loved one due to cancer, and dropped out of high school. feeling a bit passively suicidal as well. so I decided to start therapy again.

today was my first real session with my new therapist and im not sure if I want to continue seeing her.

to start, within 20 minutes of the session she recommended I see someone else. she let me take the lead so I decided to talk about how i can myself disciplined. she gave some good advice about keeping my goals small, but it started derailing into a conversation that left me feeling more hopeless than before.

she told me she suspected i wasn't living in reality, and that if i wanted to be comforted, or someone who would be "nice" with me, that I should see this other therapist. but if i REALLY wanted to make a change, I should stick with her because she'd be direct and "wouldnt lie to me like other therapists would."

now that its been a few hours and I've reflected on everything, I get her point, but I can't help but feel strange about now she went about this. for one, I feel like its weird to imply that I could see someone else if I wasnt comfortable, but I'd only be comfortable because everyone else would just lie to me?

she kept reiterating that life is just hard. and that we just have to get through it because we don't have a choice, and that we have to suck it up. I can't help but feel like this is a bit insensitive to tell someone whos still grieving.

I understand that therapy isn't just to make you feel better. theres a lot I need to change for my own good, and I want too. but i felt so hopeless and ashamed after this session. I tried to explain that I didn't think this direction was helpful, but she brushed it off by saying I was supposed to feel uncomfortable. which i can agree with, but i dont know. this whole thing just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

she kept mentioning how she wouldn't "gaslight" me into believing a reality that isn't true, but is it not kind of manipulative to imply that if i want to see a different therapist, that I wouldn't be getting the help i need?

I won't lie, I am a bit of a sensitive person and tone means a lot to me. is it wrong to expect a therapist to be willing to work with that?

idk what to do, she didn't even reschedule another session with me and just told me to reach out if I wanted to start seeing someone else.

are these red flags? should I see this other therapist?

I assume the answer is no, and that if it really matters I should find a different therapist.

I normally wouldn't ask this here, but with so many bots down for the moment figured it's worth a try.

I'm not interested in any comments shitting on my therapist, that's not what this is. He might not be right for me anymore, but he's a good therapist.

My therapist works under the impression that it's harmful for a therapist to share their own feelings with a client, or even admit that he's ever felt any emotions for a client. He's okay with other self disclosure (I know he has ADHD, what bands he likes, even who he votes for) but just not there.

I struggle a lot with emotionally believing I'm actually human, that my own feelings matter. I'm not delusional, logically I do know I was born a human like anyone else etc. Just on an emotional level I've internalized I'm not really a person, I don't have worth, I only exist to be useful to others, that my only purpose was being my mom's emotional support doll, or other less wholesome kinds of doll.

Multiple times it's come up, where just knowing he's felt litterally anything, even if it were negative, would have made a huge difference for me. A few times I've misunderstood and thought he actually did say he'd felt something, and I'd have a lot of progress until it was cleared up.

Most recently it was asking if he was proud, as I'd told a friend about Trauma from my past (like he'd recommended) and he said something like "well done" and I just blurted the question out like an idiot.

I'm middle aged, I shouldn't care so much but I do. I started apologizing immediately for asking (he said it was an emotional flashback which makes sense but I was terrified).

Just this continual reinforcement that he feels nothing, also reinforces to me that I just don't matter and am meaningless.

I know it's not what I should think or how I should feel but it doesn't help me to remind myself that.

He's otherwise a fantastic therapist, and like he acts caring, there's empathy in his voice. It's ridiculous to think he doesn't feel anything, he just won't admit it. I know it's stupid for me to care. I only have 7 sessions left before he goes on paternity leave. I might find a new therapist at that point (who works differently) or take a break from therapy for a while I'm not sure.

I was planning to resume with him when he returned but I'm not sure this really is healthy for me.

Is there any point at all in trying to explain to him that denying he feels anything doesn't just hurt but is reinforcing exactly what I'm trying to change? Or am I just not understanding and this actually is good for me?