Today’s been a rough day. My wife works overnight as a nurse and this morning she got pretty drunk. 2 buzzballs and 1 super sip jug. She ended up knocking out around 11. At 4pm I hear the garage opening and ask where shes going and she doesn’t reply. She comes back home with a bottle of vodka that she’s been drinking for about 2 hours now. I try and have a conversation with her about the drinking but it just leads to her telling me to leave her if I don’t like it and that she might hurt herself. She’s pretty drunk, so I’m not sure if anything I say will get through to her.

I am at a point where I can’t keep doing this. I’ve found her in a pool of her own piss multiple times in the past and although she hasn’t had an incident like that again, she drinks way too much almost daily. I don’t know what to do or who to talk to. Her mom’s dealing with chemo and I don’t want to bother her. I could talk to her sisters but I don’t want this to become a huge thing that just makes things worse.

I grew up with an alcoholic father, so seeing my wife become that is heartbreaking. How do I get through to her and how do I help her help herself?

I don't know the best course of action here. My sister who I love so so much is going to give birth within a month. She will be induced early. This is her first.

I just found out I am pregnant with my second. My original plan was to announce after my first OB appt (last week of Oct) but there is a chance she'll give birth the next week.

She struggled with conceiving her first and I want her to be celebrated properly. I just don't know if it would be better to announce before her baby arrives or wait until afterwards.

My plan was to say something before she gives birth but I want an outside opinion. TIA!

There’s no solution here - it’s over now. I’m sure he’ll come back to apologize once he’s back in his right mind, but man I didn’t deserve that. It makes me so sad for me. I made a snarky comment to him while I was carrying a heavy bag, “CAN YOU HOLD THIS, DAMN”. Honestly it was not supposed be offensive but he took it as disrespect and it all went downhill from there. He said he was done with me, and I’m like alright thats fine if that’s how you feel. And then he went on about how he’ll “bury me” if say anything out of line. I just said alright. It is what it is. And then he slapped me. I gathered my things and left peacefully. But now I’m just sitting here upset. How do I process this?

here’s my previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/u3GuQ9Ua3G

First, thank you to everyone who offered advice and support. Your words genuinely helped me see things for what they are. And to the women who felt comfortable enough to share their stories, I appreciate it and glad you’re here!!

so as for the update it’s only been a few days:

I haven’t been home as I’m afraid to go back since he knows where I live. My brother texted that a package arrived for me, but I never ordered anything. Turns out he sent a gift to my house and it’s a really expensive one. I honestly don’t know if it was ordered before or after the incident, either way I won’t be reaching out. I just hope he doesn’t see this as an opportunity to come by and ask for it back.

I’ve blocked him on everything and haven’t heard of him since. I have also photographed all my injuries except for one which is my jaw. There are no visible marks on it, but I can’t open my mouth as wide, and it hurts to touch. I didn’t realize how bad it was at first because I haven’t been eating. Wonder if this will heal on its own or if it cracked when he was crushing my head. This was probably the popping sound that was heard and not the earring…

I want to report him, but I’m terrified of what might happen if he finds out. He has a criminal past, and I know some of you might wonder why I even dated him in the first place. The truth is, I didn’t know about it until he told me. That’s kinda why I broke up with him initially. I would feel safe knowing all I’m doing is making a paper trail. Can anyone confirm that he won’t be notified?

I also haven’t told my family because they’re already dealing with so much, and I don’t want to add to their worries. Plus they’re going to look at me differently and I don’t want that.
Part of me feels like I need to take some of my power back by being strong and handling this myself since I was too weak to defend myself. But honestly, I’m scared, overwhelmed, tired and still trying to figure out what to do next to stay safe.
Thank you to everyone who has been kind to me. I really needed it. Sorry if this isn’t the update that most want to hear, I am too much of a wuss :/

I (F25) and my partner (M26) have been together for years and have been living together for a while now. Lately, I’ve been feeling completely defeated by our relationship, and I honestly need some outside perspective because I’m starting to question myself.
I work 12-hour shifts most of the time, and I pay ALL of the bills. The only thing I consistently ask him to do is help keep the house clean, which I don’t think is an unreasonable expectation considering he lives here too.
Every time I come home from work, the house looks exactly the way I left it, if not worse. The dishes are piled up, the garbage hasn’t been taken out, the cat litter hasn’t been scooped, and there’s always something else that needs to be done. We have two cats, so keeping the litter box clean is especially important.
Meanwhile, I’m working all day, paying the bills, and coming home to clean, cook, clean up again, take care of the cats, feed them, and handle pretty much everything else. By the time I’m finished, I barely have any energy left for myself. I feel like I’m carrying the entire household on my shoulders while also having to take care of another adult.
I’ve brought this up to him countless times, but whenever I try to talk about it, he says I come home with an “attitude” or that I’m always “bitching” about something. Yesterday, I finally sat him down and had a serious conversation with him. I explained that I don’t feel like he makes my life any easier because I’m doing everything by myself. I told him I’m exhausted and that I need an actual partner, not someone I have to constantly remind to do basic things around the house.
He agreed that he would start helping more and changing his behavior.
Well, today is Monday. I left the house around 9 a.m. and didn’t get home until 6 p.m. because I ended up working a little on my day off. He had hours to take care of things around the house, and I walked into an absolute disaster.
The dishes still weren’t done. If anything, there were MORE dishes than before. The garbage that I’ve been asking him to take out for two and a half weeks was still sitting there, piling up day by day. The cat litter hadn’t been scooped, and the cats had even gone to the bathroom on the bathroom floor because the litter box wasn’t clean.
I genuinely wanted to scream. We had literally JUST talked about this yesterday, and nothing changed.
His excuse was that he had been handling work calls all day. I understand that work can get busy, but I honestly feel like he’s using that as an excuse. He only started working a few months ago, and even when he was unemployed, the housework still wasn’t getting done. It feels like there’s always a reason why he can’t contribute, but somehow I’m still expected to do everything.
And the worst part is that whenever I express my frustration, he turns it around on me. Suddenly, I’m the problem. I have an attitude, I’m delusional, I’m complaining too much, and apparently no other woman would have an issue with this. Sometimes he gets so angry that he starts calling me names and comparing me to other women.
It’s exhausting because I can’t even communicate a legitimate concern without it turning into an argument about my personality or how I supposedly treat him.
I’ve tried to break up with him multiple times, but every time I do, he comes running back, says or does whatever he needs to do to make me feel bad, and I end up taking him back. I know I’ve allowed this cycle to continue for too long, and I take responsibility for my part in that. We’ve been together for years, and I genuinely do love him, but I’m starting to question whether what I’m holding on to is love, history, or the hope that he’ll eventually become the partner I need.
At this point, I feel like he mooches off me. I pay all the bills, carry the household responsibilities, and still have to beg for the bare minimum. I don’t feel supported, appreciated, or like I have someone I can depend on. Instead, I feel like I’m taking care of everything while being made to feel guilty for asking for help.
I know I should have addressed some of these issues more firmly a long time ago, but I kept giving him chances because I loved him and believed things would change. Now I’m wondering if he’s simply gotten too comfortable knowing that I’ll keep picking up the slack and that I’ll probably take him back if I leave.
So, am I actually wrong for feeling this way? Am I expecting too much by wanting my partner to clean up after himself and contribute to the home we share, especially when I’m paying all the bills?
Has anyone else been in a relationship like this? Did things genuinely change, or did you eventually realize that you were holding on to someone’s potential rather than who they actually were?
I love him, but I’m tired. I feel defeated, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life feeling like I’m doing everything alone while being told I’m the problem for speaking up. I could really use some honest advice, even if it’s hard to hear.

TL;DR: I (F25) have been with my boyfriend (M26) for years, and I pay all the bills while working 12-hour shifts. All I ask is for him to help keep the house clean, take out the garbage, and scoop the litter for our two cats, but nothing ever gets done, even when he has the entire day to do it. Every time I bring it up, he says I have an attitude, calls me names, and makes me feel like I’m the problem. He promises to change but never follows through. I’ve tried breaking up with him multiple times, but he always convinces me to take him back. I love him, but I feel used, exhausted, and completely defeated. Am I wrong for expecting more from my partner, or is it time to walk away?

Basically I told my boyfriend I notice him checking out women in front of me quite often or even repeatedly looking at an attractive girl. I find this super disrespectful because looking once is alright you can notice an attractive person, but glaring over and over again or doing full body scans is not. He immediately admitted to this being something he struggles with (lust) and he doesn’t know why he is this way. He admitted to me that he thinks about sleeping with multiple women “sometimes” and when I asked him if he felt he was polygamous he said “no because I wouldn’t want my partner to be able to sleep with others”. Which this felt super hurtful to me too because he’s admitting he would be happy to go sleep with other women tomorrow if I allowed it. He said he would fix this part of himself and he said he would never act on these impulses because of his “morals” but I find that hard to believe atleast down the line. I’m not sure if this is something fixable or worth breaking up over.

F (24) M (24)

My boyfriend and I have been together for around 2.5 years, and he’s genuinely my best friend. I love him to pieces, he treats me well in many ways, and I genuinely believe he’d be a brilliant dad. The thought of breaking up with him absolutely breaks my heart.

However, over the last few weeks, I’ve been questioning whether we’re actually compatible when it comes to our future, and it’s got to the point where I’ve been crying almost every day over it.
The biggest issue is our views on having children and what family life should look like.
He has quite a traditional view of relationships. Ideally, he’d want me to be a stay-at-home mum, looking after the children and the house, while he goes to work and provides financially. He says he would never stop me from having a career, but he believes that raising a family should be a woman’s main priority and that, realistically, I should be the one doing school pickups, taking the children to appointments, leaving work when they’re sick, etc. He’s said that he doesn’t want to be doing school pickups every day because he’s the one going to work.

I completely disagree with this. I want children, and I love the idea of having a family, but I also want a career. I don’t want to feel like my entire identity has to become being a mum, or that my career and independence have to take a back seat for 12+ years.
I understand that having children requires sacrifices, and I’m not saying I would never want to stay home with them or reduce my hours. I might even decide that I want to do that when the time comes. But I want it to be MY choice, not something that’s already been decided for me before I’ve even had children.

Financial independence is also a massive thing for
me. Growing up, I watched my mum have very little financial freedom in her relationship with my dad. Although she earned money, there was a lot of scrutiny over what she spent it on and who she was buying things for. My parents eventually divorced, and I don’t want to find myself in a situation where I’ve given up my career, have no income of my own and would struggle financially if my relationship ended.

We also disagree on smaller things that still matter to me. For example, I’d love an engagement party and a proper wedding party to celebrate with our friends and family. He doesn’t really want those things. Obviously, no couple will agree on everything, but I keep wondering how many things I’d end up compromising on. These are experiences I might only have once, and I don’t want to look back and feel like I gave up everything that mattered to me because it wasn’t what he wanted.

The problem is that neither of us seems particularly willing to change our views. He listens to what I say, but ultimately says that’s just not how he sees things. He thinks we’re possibly too different, and I can see why he feels that way.
We’ve had this conversation around four times now. In the moment, I’ll sometimes find myself half-agreeing with him and thinking that perhaps his vision doesn’t sound so bad. Then I’ll wake up the next morning and feel panicked all over again because I realise it’s not actually the life I want. I’ve been going round in circles for weeks.

For anyone who’s left a long-term relationship with someone they genuinely loved because of differences in values or their vision for the future, how did you know it was the right decision? Did you regret it? Did you eventually find someone more compatible?
I feel like I’m choosing between the person I love and the future I want for myself, and I honestly don’t know what to do.

For context, me and my boyfriend “Tom” have been together for nearly two years, and have known each other for eight years.

The item I’m talking about is a pendant that I’ve had since I was 15, it was a gift from my best friend “Max”. It’s a silver heart with the number 12 engraved on the back, which we consider our lucky number (long story). Originally it was kind of a good luck charm, but it’s become kind of a comfort item for me over the years (especially when Max and I didn’t see each other for long periods due to the pandemic or him being sent overseas) during some pretty tough periods. 

Nowadays, I sometimes wear it on a chain around my neck, as a bracelet, sometimes I clip it to the inside of my bag, sometimes it’s in my card holder. So I’m being totally honest about this thing going with me everywhere so it’s possible I just lost it. But at the same time I’ve been carrying this thing around for 13 years and I never lost it. You could look at it either way. 

Tom hates this pendant. He has never really seemed to have much of an issue with me hanging out with Max and is always polite when their paths cross, but he’s always hated seeing me wearing the pendant. He always said it didn’t go with my outfit, or that it looked old/cheap, or that he felt weird looking at it. Whenever he sees it around, he picks it up and makes big deal of handing it to me and telling me to look after it, even if it’s in a totally safe place. I never paid much attention to it, I just did make an effort not to wear it on dates or during intimate moments. Obviously I’m going over this for the context of the post but it doesn’t happen so often that I notice it as a red flag. 

Last month the pendant went missing. The thing is, I don’t know exactly where. The last time I’m 1000% sure I saw it was in my car. But I thought I took it out of the card holder and put it on the tray by my bed so it could go back on the chain. But I can’t be 1000% sure because that could have been a different time. 

I’ve torn my place apart looking for it. I’ve had the cleaner look out for it. I took my car to get professionally cleaned to see if it was in there in some place I couldn’t reach. I’ve looked all around my desk at work. Nothing. And it’s not even something anyone would want to take it’s a scratched up flat piece of silver. But it meant the world to me. 

And I just can’t shake the feeling that Tom took it. He has seemed oddly smug about me not being able to find it. He keeps suggesting I wear other jewellery, when he never cared about my jewellery before. He keeps asking if I’ve told Max I lost it (I haven’t) even though he never brings Max up otherwise because they’re not friends. When I mentioned again how upset I was about it he was like “parents take their kids plushies all the time when they’re too attached. This is probably just a sign you need to let go of it”. That seemed like a Freudian slip to me. At the same time, none of this is proof. Maybe I’m going crazy because i feel horrible and sad and guilty and I just don’t want to feel like losing the pendant was really my fault. Tom has never been malicious or cruel in the time I’ve known him. He just hated that thing and maybe he’s not sorry I lost it but that doesn’t mean he took it. 

But something inside me deeply believes that he did. 

And I feel terrible about it. Because I’ve known Tom since college and at no point has he ever caused me one bit of stress. He’s never been mean to me, never made me uncomfortable, never even raised his voice that I’ve heard. Never made an issue of where I went, or made it hard to trust him. He’s just a stable, solid, calming presence. So I feel terrible that suddenly I have this intense suspicion towards him. It feels unjustified, but I can’t make it stop. 

Do I bring this up? If I do bring this up, is my relationship pretty much dead, because how do you come back from accusing someone of stealing something you love? If I don’t bring it up, how do I stop myself resenting the fact that I don’t know for sure? Even if he did take it I guess he could just lie, so is there even a point in asking? At the same time, it’s making me slightly uncomfortable around him because I just keep watching everything he says for signs that he’s feeling guilty, and that’s not fair to anyone. 

I don’t really want to bring this up to anyone irl. Mostly because the people I talk things through with are Max and my parents. My mom is big into “gut feelings” so she’s just going to think he did take it and she’ll hold onto that bad impression. And I haven’t told Max the pendant is missing (I will at some point I just don’t want to introduce the Tom of it all right now).

So yeah I’m just looking for some unbiased perspective or advice? 

TLDR; I lost something important to me and I can’t shake the feeling that my boyfriend took it, despite not having any evidence. It’s driving me nuts and I feel like I need to talk to him about it but I don’t know how. 

Hello everyone me and my fiancé have been engaged for a year now, together for 5.

So a couple of nights ago, my fiancé and I went to a bar with my brother and sister. Now my sister I knew he had liked for years but we had already talked about it so it’s never really present in my mind.

Well I was obviously very intoxicated and I had noticed weird behaviors from him.
First he suggested my sister (28F) sleep in the bed with us as she lives an hour away. First red flag.
Second when I suggested she sleep elsewhere at my brother’s house, (30M) was opposed to it. Weird for him he never cares.
And third, my brother and sister told me he was openly flirting with her. Such as making comments like “there is enough of me to go around” and trying to make her sit closer to him.
Also slinging his arm around her waist, buying drinks, and having that type of energy where if we weren’t together I’d say he’s trying to hit. Right in my face. I was very intoxicated, but I didn’t know this was happening until my siblings told me. There is more, but my brain is kinda on power mode right now.

Now this is very out of the blue for him. He never cares about things like that. Very to himself but I don’t even know what to do about this situation.
I’m so hurt, he played in my face and embarrassed everything I stand for in front of my siblings.

Not only trifling behavior but now he’s taking his phone everywhere with him. Even in the gas station. Disconnected Bluetooth and everything.

For a little more context, we live together. With our two year old. I am a stay at home mom and he works full time.
He also has been putting off signing marriage papers. Money is not an issue he says it’s because in his mind he’s not thinking about it because he wants a house first.

Sorry for the paragraph, I honestly don’t know what to do or feel. So please, how do I navigate this? He’s a very “f everyone” type of person if that makes sense

I’m looking for some honest perspectives on a situation that has been weighing on me. I’m not looking for people to automatically tell me to break up or to just get over it.

For context, I’m a 29M, and my girlfriend is a 32F. We’ve been together for around two years (we live together in a foreign country now, and it’s also where we met)
When I first met my girlfriend, she was also in contact with another guy with whom she had a casual sexual relationship. Around that period, she had sex with him once, and that was it. At the time, however, I didn’t know about this connection.

My girlfriend and I connected quickly. We went on around three dates, and she seemed genuinely enthusiastic about seeing me and spending time with me. She texted me frequently and actively tried to arrange opportunities for us to meet. I later discovered that she had even told this same guy she was busy on multiple occasions so she could make time to see me instead.

Because of how she acted, I assumed she wasn’t involved with anyone else and that what was developing between us was already quite meaningful to both of us. I felt so strongly about her that I decided I wanted exclusivity earlier than I probably would have under normal circumstances. Her enthusiasm seemed genuine, and I interpreted her efforts to spend time with me as a sign that we were moving toward something exclusive.
We weren’t officially together yet, so I know that technically she didn’t cheat on me or break an agreement we had made.

What hurts is not simply that she slept with someone else before we became official. It’s the contrast between how I understood the situation at the time and what I later discovered. She was making an effort to see me, texting me frequently, and sometimes telling him she was busy so she could meet me. From my perspective, those actions suggested that she was already emotionally invested in what was developing between us. I assumed we were experiencing the beginning of something in a similar way, and that assumption influenced how quickly I wanted us to become exclusive.

I understand that someone can genuinely be excited about a new person while still having a casual sexual connection with someone else. I also understand that being enthusiastic about dating someone doesn’t automatically mean you have committed to them. But knowing that intellectually hasn’t made it easy to reconcile what I experienced with what I later learned.

Finding this out has made me look back at those early days differently. Moments that I remembered as the beginning of something special now feel more complicated. I find myself wondering whether I misunderstood what was happening between us, whether I was more invested than she was at the time, and whether the meaning I gave those first few days was partly based on assumptions rather than a shared understanding.

The difficult part is that our relationship today is genuinely good and meaningful. We’ve built a life together over the past two years, and I believe we bring a tremendous amount of value to each other’s lives. There is love, companionship, mutual support, and a shared life that matters deeply to both of us. We have something worth protecting, and I’m not looking for an excuse to leave her or trying to portray her as a bad person.

In fact, that’s precisely what makes this so difficult. If the relationship were bad, perhaps this would be easier to process. But I love what we have built, and I recognize what we mean to each other. I don’t want to throw away something so valuable over something that happened before we were officially together. At the same time, I can’t simply switch off the hurt by reminding myself that she technically did nothing wrong.

I also realize that people approach the early stages of dating differently. Some people continue seeing other people until exclusivity is explicitly agreed upon, while others emotionally commit much earlier. Neither approach is necessarily wrong. Perhaps I assumed we were on the same page when we weren’t.

Still, I struggle with the fact that her behaviour made me feel as though we were already moving toward something serious, while she was apparently still maintaining that other connection. I’m not saying that her interest in me was fake. In fact, her efforts to see me make me believe that she genuinely liked me. That’s partly why the situation is so difficult to understand emotionally: I can see evidence that she was interested in me while also knowing that she slept with someone else during that period.

I feel as though the story I had about how our relationship began has changed, and I’m struggling to reconcile that with the relationship we have today. It has affected how I remember the beginning, even though it hasn’t erased the love, support, and value we have built together since then.

For those who have experienced something similar, how did you deal with it? Did the feeling eventually fade as you focused on the relationship you had built together, or did the new understanding of the beginning permanently change how you viewed the relationship?

I would particularly appreciate perspectives from people who have been in a genuinely loving, long-term relationship and discovered something uncomfortable about its early days. I’m trying to understand how to process this without unfairly judging my partner for something that happened before we were together, but also without dismissing my own feelings simply because there was no technical betrayal.

I’m not asking strangers to decide whether my girlfriend is a bad person or whether I should break up with her. I’m trying to understand how to make peace with a changed perception of the beginning of a relationship that I still deeply value.

My 32F and 30M are due to get married in 4 months.

We have been together for 4 years.

We have had a lot of people put in money towards this wedding for us.

About 2 months ago I received a messages advising he had been virtually cheating on me and I managed to use a login and saw everything to confirm the very sexual messages.

I never thought he was this person, he's always seemed to want the best for me and would have laughed at the thought months ago because he has always told me how out of his league I am.

I thought we were happy, I was happy.

Ive always said cheating was a deal breaking for me, not realising how different it was when it's you. I stayed and we're going to counciling but I cant help but look at him and feel nothing anymore. I wanted to make it work but I spend my days wondering how much I'm going to regret this wedding, how long we're actually going to last. 6 months? A year?

He has seemed genuinely regretful but I dont know who

he is anymore, what else has he hidden or lied about? Was it just chance that someone who found out had the decency to tell me.

I dont feel excited to plan the wedding anymore only regret of trying to fix something that has clearly been shattered.

I have a full life with goals, aspirations and love for the future and he spend all his time playing games.

I think if there wasn't a wedding, a lot of money being lost and the nausea of having to explain to everyone in my life what happened I'm not sure I'd still be here. I think I would have walked.

Is there anyone out here that have broken a wedding off months before it going ahead? How did you do it? How do you deal with the thousands spent which will be lost?

I recently found out that a little while back my gf met up twice with an ex. The first time apparently it was a random drunk text and he was at the strip club. She made up some story, lied to me and went and met him had a drink and drove him home. Then a few weeks later.she once again lied about what she was doing and drove 40 minutes away to meet him for a drink. She said nothing is wrong with it because nothing happened between them and their were no romantic feelings that came up. I called it cheating and she got angry. Thoughts?

UPDATE: HERE IS HER APOLOGY, KINDA AFTER TALKING TODAY.

"I never cheated and don’t plan on ever cheating on you. I did lie and for that I’m sorry and I’m sorry if me meeting up with him hurt you in any way. I told you the truth the whole truth about why I met up with him and what happened."

WOW.

Is this normal? How do you communicate when you're unhappy with something?

I guess we all mess up from time to time. I had to go to work very early, and unfortunately woke up our 3 y.o. at 06:30 in the process. I have tried to be quiet and I thought I was, but she woke up. My husband was left to handle her, which is not always fun in the morning. I have apologized via message from the train and hoped they have continued to sleep.

Then I worked a bit, and 30 min later I get a hateful voice message from him, how I have messed up, and how come someone with a PhD is so stupid that they can't close their door quietly.

I understand his frustration, but I think the right way would be to criticize me not being quiet enough without insulting me. I honestly can't believe this, I am a very independent and strong person, and it makes me sick to my stomach that my husband talks to me like this. This wasn't the first time btw. Sometimes he deletes those messages before I hear them, but mostly not.

How do I handle this? I am considering divorce down the line if things don't improve, but it's not realistic in the next 3 years due to some other factors.

Hello! I went to a restaurant with my mother and once the host sat us down, our server came by to introduce himself. As soon as we made eye contact, I could tell he was interested. He came by to our table pretty frequently and I thought he was just being nice. When my mom got up to go to the bathroom, he came back and asked some personal questions about where I'm from, where I went to school. He was pretty cute! I kinda joked and asked if he flirts with all his customers, and he got flustered. It was really endearing. We exchanged Instagram handles, and once my mom and I were ready to leave, he said "I'll see you on Friday!" Very bold and ngl, it worked on me lol. Anyway, that evening I thought he'd dm me, but I ended up messaging him first... Was confused bc I thought he was interested. He eventually got back to me and we made plans to get dinner next week. After that first conversation, he hasn't said anything. I don't want to constantly be the one who reaches out first, especially since he's the one who pursued me. 10 year age difference is pretty significant, but I wanted to give it a shot. Is this just how Gen Z dates or is he actually not interested after all?

Edit: I left 20% on a $50 meal - it was a buffet so I guess his scheme worked

Edit 2: I did tell him I was 35, before we exchanged handles.

Edit 3: he did ask to meet that same night for dinner, but I couldn't, so he suggested this coming Friday

TW: depression- SH
TLDR: drained in the relationship

Hi, I’m a 26-year-old woman, and I’ve been with my partner, a 31-year-old man, for nine years. We’ve been married for four of those years.

For context, I’m autistic and have CPTSD, and he has ADHD. My childhood was quite traumatic, so I’ve been in therapy for the past nine years. I’ve also been polyamorous for eight years.

I met my partner back in 2017. I had a difficult childhood at home, whereas he comes from a happy family. At first, I was very happy with his outlook on life. He’s very much a “happy-go-lucky, not a care or problem in the world” kind of person.

However, over time and through therapy, I learned that I needed someone I could talk to who would understand my feelings. I tried to communicate this early on in our relationship, as my knowledge and understanding of my own needs became clearer.
I noticed that I couldn’t talk to him about how I was feeling. It genuinely felt like talking to a brick wall. There were no words, just maybe an “Oh, that’s…” or sometimes an attempt at a hug. For me, though, that doesn’t work because I need emotional closeness before I can accept physical support, such as a hug or a kiss. I voiced this to him six years ago.

During the first few years, I asked him if we could go to couples therapy or if he could consider individual therapy to better understand his feelings and learn how to handle them. His responses were, “I don’t see a need for therapy” and “What is therapy going to do about it?” So, I left it alone because I thought I was asking for too much.
Three years ago, I met a partner who I’m now friends with. Through that relationship, I realised that it wasn’t unreasonable for me to need someone who could understand me and talk to me, especially when that person is your spouse. So, I started asking again for us to go to therapy. By then, I understood that this was a key requirement for me in a relationship. However, he continued to ignore my wishes.
Last year, things got really bad. After losing my job in 2024, I was declared medically unfit to work. I slipped into depression. I felt sad about my situation, isolated, and alone, but I was also sad that I had to carry all of it by myself.

Whenever something emotional happens or something difficult needs to be sorted out, I’m the one who has to take matters into my own hands. Otherwise, nothing gets resolved. This has been draining me even more than the depression itself. I’m exhausted from having to think about and handle important things for both of us without any help.
I told him that I couldn’t do it anymore and that I would have to leave him and choose myself. He finally agreed to start therapy last year, but he kept forgetting to make appointments or show any initiative. He ended up having three sessions, and even those only happened because I had to remind him to schedule them.

In October last year, I felt so down, lonely, and unheard in the relationship that I attempted to end my life. I was prescribed antidepressants, and those thoughts eventually calmed down a bit. However, the realisation was still there: “I’m miserable in this relationship” and “I need to leave and choose my own mental peace.”
Don’t get me wrong: he accepts me for who I am, including my flaws. But that’s also where the problem lies. He doesn’t seem to experience or express any emotions other than happiness or neutrality.

Whenever something happens between us, I might feel upset, sad, and empty. I feel the need to talk about it so I can calm down and feel heard. But the moment he turns around, everything is back to normal for him. This has been breaking me for years.
Earlier this year, we finally went to couples therapy. The therapist acknowledged that what I was experiencing was difficult and that I wasn’t asking for too much. She also said that he struggles to access his emotional inner world.
We left that session with a question to consider: “Do you have the ability and willingness to stay while he works through therapy?”

In May, he started Past Reality Integration (PRI) therapy. He has had seven sessions so far.
But I can’t do this anymore. I care about him, and the thought of ending things makes me sad, but I don’t think this relationship can be sustained any longer.
My body no longer allows me to be physically close to him. There’s no sex, no kisses, and barely any hugging because my nervous system responds with feelings of disgust and stress due to the lack of emotional connection and emotional understanding.
I’ve been thinking about leaving for a long time, but I’ve finally reached my breaking point. I’m looking for a place of my own so I can finally give my nervous system some peace.

I’ve always been transparent with him about how I feel in our relationship, what my needs are, and what goes through my head. So, he knows that I’ve been looking for an apartment.

Three therapists have also stated that having our own spaces would be beneficial for both of us. It would allow us to focus on our individual therapy and take things from there. However, I don’t know if I can continue with the relationship after everything that has happened.
The thought of leaving gives me major stress and anxiety because I’ve spent my entire adulthood with him. I essentially grew up alongside him. He’s everything I know, and he’s the only person I feel I can fall back on because I’m not in contact with any of my family.

Two days ago, it finally happened. I told him, “I want to end the relationship.”
We cried a lot, and he said he was willing to go to therapy and tried his best. I told him that i can see and respect that, but that it might just be “a too late.”

I do love him, but I’m not in love with him.

My therapist and the two others have been saying, “Once you get your own place and have some time to yourself, you might feel like there’s more room for the relationship to grow.”

That thought and motivation been going through my head, but I genuinely can’t do this anymore. Not while we’re living together.
So, I told him that, at least until I get my own place, I can’t be with him. He understands and is sad about it, but he respects my decision.

Thank you so much for reading

Has anyone been in a similar situation, where their partner was finally willing to change, but they felt they’d already reached their breaking point? How did you navigate it?

I’m looking for some outside perspectives because I’m genuinely torn about this.

My husband went out wearing a shirt, and I later found a confirmed lipstick stain on the collar when I was doing the laundry. I don’t wear lipstick, and the stain is reddish-pink and waxy.

Here’s the context that makes this complicated.
My husband cheated on me three years ago. I found out myself, and it was incredibly painful. Since then, we’ve worked through it, and I genuinely rebuilt my trust in him. We’ve since gotten married, and I really believed we’d moved forward.

About a week ago, he told me about a woman who approached him twice while he was out. He said that the second time, she came up behind him while he was sitting on a couch in the bar area, touched his chest, and spoke into his ear.

According to him, the first time he told her he had a wife. When she approached him again, she apparently responded that she had a boyfriend too, as if that made it okay. He told me about the encounter himself and said he found her obnoxious.

Now I’ve found lipstick on the collar of his shirt, and I’m wondering whether she could have transferred it onto him when she touched him. Could lipstick get onto a collar during an interaction like that, even if nothing else happened?

Part of me thinks this could have a completely innocent explanation, especially because he told me about the woman himself. Another part of me is struggling because of his past cheating, and finding this has brought back feelings I thought I’d worked through.

I don’t want to accuse him unfairly if this really could be innocent. We’ve been married since the previous infidelity, and I don’t want old wounds to make me assume the worst. At the same time, I don’t want to ignore something that deserves an explanation.

Does the woman’s behavior he described make it plausible that she could have left lipstick on his collar? Would you see this as a potentially innocent explanation, or would you be suspicious?

I’d really appreciate balanced opinions from people who can consider both possibilities.

EDIT TO ADD: My husband was the one who showed me the stain, asking for a stain remover***

I (30F) and my boyfriend TJ (35M) have been together for 3 years, and friends for 8. His best friend Ian (35M), has been married to his wife Becca(34F) for two years, together 8. I met Ian and Becca 2.5 years ago.

When we first met, we got along relatively well, and would often plan group outings to see live music or grab a drink and hangout. The boys are best friends after all(+20 years), and even though Becca and I didn’t mesh perfectly, we had fun overall and it was chill.

However, there’s been a recent shift in our dynamic, and it came to a head when Becca expressed her decision to cut off TJ and I.

Apparently, she has been feeling resentful towards us for the past few months, and decided to tell my boyfriend the day before yesterday that she was done with us and done trying to be friends.

To give some context, TJ, Ian, and I all share the same friend group, so when the 4 of us are together, the 3 of us tend to get along and converse a little easier. Also, TJ and Ian are in a band together, with my boyfriend TJ being the main drive behind it. I help manage their social media stuff like IG and make their album art for them.
Ian and Becca are a little bit of a mismatched couple. They don’t have a lot of similar interests, and Ian has expressed some sadness over it but overall says he loves that they’re different from each other.
Becca herself is a sweet girl and nice enough, but if I’m being completely honestly, she isn’t someone I would naturally be friends with if it wasn’t for our proximity in relationships (our partners being basically brothers.) We don’t have a lot in common, and the things we prioritize in our lives are very different. That being said, I didn’t think it’d be an issue until this past year.

The last few times we’ve seen Becca, I could sense something was off. It felt like every time TJ and I came to visit, she would hide in her room and stay inside, or just leave for the day while the guys had band practice and we all hung out in the garage. She even snapped at me during one of our visit when I asked if their dog was 2 yet, and corrected me saying she was 22 months old. It wasn’t hard to tell something was wrong, and in return I felt myself getting frustrated. I even had a long and vulnerable conversation with TJ 2 months ago about how I know I’m a little standoffish and harsh, and that I needed some space to allow myself to be able to hangout again with feeling off around her. I know how much TJ and Ian mean to each other, so I wanted to be able to put my feelings aside and be more grounded to make things less awkward. He agreed and said it was probably for the best, being he feels she has been off towards him as well lately.

So, the day before yesterday, TJ heads to band practice without me. The day went normal until TJ goes to leave and Ian lets him know that Becca won’t be coming out to tell him goodbye. TJ was taken aback by that, and being a very direct and open communicator, told Ian to go get her so they could talk about what’s going on before he left. Ian did, and things got heated.

According to Becca, she is done with TJ and I because we don’t include her, she’s tired of being disrespected in her home, and she doesn’t want to be fake anymore. She states that we come over and we play with her dog and her cats, but that we don’t include her. She went on to say that she thinks I’m disrespectful to her by not engaging with her enough, not being more grateful for a gift she gave me, and for refusing to eat the food she cooked for us in her home the last time we visited. She stated more things, but ultimately the message I got was that she thinks that I haven’t tried as hard as her to build a relationship, that TJ and I don’t include her, and that she’s straight up done with me and, by partnership, TJ.

TJ defended me, letting her know that we feel like she doesn’t even want us around, and that she doesn’t include herself enough. When in conversation, TJ told her that I just try a little more to be present in it, and that I do have more similar interests with him and Ian so it’s easier. The gift was a bouquet of fake flowers she had arranged and given to me closing night of a show where my character has a full mental b and ends it. She said that she didn’t even want to go to the show, and that I should’ve been more grateful for the time she had spent making the bouquet. TJ told her I said a quick thank you as I was honestly extremely burnt out and mentally drained after my performance(v true). The food thing he explained was because I’m a vegetarian, and they had made carne asada tacos for dinner. She got mad and yelled at him why didn’t I say something then, but TJ reminded her that I have told them multiple times in the past 2 years, and that it’s tiring for me to have to constantly tell people something a friend would make note of. She then went on to say that I have “heavy blood”(Mexican slang) and that she just doesn’t want me around.

Ian was crying, and it was basically Becca and TJ arguing with each other. TJ said he was finally able to compose himself and got the conversation on the track of how to fix this. He told Becca that we’re all going to get past this and that he does love and care about her as a person, not just as his best friend’s wife. Becca took it well he said, and seems like she was able to hear him out at least a bit. He gave her a long hug, Ian a hug, and came home.

TJ told me everything, and we had a long discussion about how we will be moving to fix this, but also decided to allow our self some space to process how we’re feeling about it all. TJ feels like a lot of Becca’s hurt feelings are her projecting onto us, using us as an excuse to avoid other problems in her life/marriage, and I agree but it is what it is. We both want to maintain our relationship with Ian, so we intend to do what is needed to make that happen.

As for now though, I’m upset and angry and feeling guilty. I’m upset that in the moment where her and I felt similar emotions, I decided to take a step back and try and figure out how I can fix this, and she decided to blow it all up. I’m angry at the “heavy blood” comment, and feel like she’s using me as a scapegoat for her insecurities. I’m angry she said she doesn’t want to be fake anymore, implying she’s been fake for a while and has to be seen as a nice person rather than being honest. And I feel guilty that my boyfriend and Ian are having to deal with this situation all together, and that Ian was crying over it.

What makes me the most upset is that all of this could have been avoided if Becca had just taken the time to tell lan that she was feeling isolated or neglected, or if Ian would just consider her more as his wife in the first place, and not make that have to be on us as the guest/friends. TJ agrees that this all got taken too far and that they should’ve had a conversation about her feelings of animosity before it got to this point (but we’re here now and gonna work on it.)

Ultimately, I’m a little lost, hurt, and confused. I’m not sure what expectations she had for her and I as far as friendship goes, and I don’t know where to go from here. I’m trying my best to hold space for her and her feelings, while honoring mine as well.

If anyone has any advice on how to process a situation like this and begin reconciliation I’d be extremely grateful. Where would you begin?

Thank you for reading <3

(all names changed for privacy)

I (49F)have been married to my husband (45M) for three years. He has four children from a previous marriage and I have one. We dated for three years before we got married.

Living together for the last three years has been hard. I knew it would be difficult but it was worse than I anticipated. Our blended family didn’t blend for a variety of reasons. My son wants nothing to do with my husband or his kids. I have 50/50 custody.

My husband has his kids every second weekend. Because we have so many kids we need a 4-5 bedroom house. We have been renting for three years. I am tired of renting and I want to buy a house within the next year or two. My parents are giving us. 60k down payment.

My husband runs his own business but I don’t have a clear idea of how much he makes. I make six figures but he makes substantially less. The two cars and our current rental are in my name because he has very poor credit. I recently divorced that he hasn’t filed taxes for eight years.

I worry that I won’t be able to buy a large enough house on my salary alone. Only I can go on the mortgage application because he has no NOAs to give the bank. I am worried that he owes thousands of dollars of back taxes and if he doesn’t pay (he won’t) the govt will just put a lien on the house since we are married.

I am desperate to buy a house but I could probably only afford a small one for my son and I. I was thinking of suggesting that we stay married but live apart since our kids don’t get along anyways. But many of my friends think this is silly and we should just divorce. The other option is just keep renting until we die lol…

TLDR…. My husband brought financial issues into our marriage and I’m trying to decide to live apart, stay together or just divorce

My ex and I broke up at the end of June and stopped talking at the beginning of August. We were very in love, we met while he was working in my city and was here for a while but his job sent him back home eventually. He is planning on going to school here and thought his job would let him move here until school but they did not have anymore more work for him here.
He had to stay on the other side of the country. Hes still planning on moving here for school but of course that is months away. Long distance sucks we didnt want our relationship to be ruined. We decided breaking up and getting together when he moved back was the best option and it was so awful for both of us. We were still saying I love you up until we stopped talking in August.
We acknowledged it wasnt healthy and he said we shouldnt talk until he moves back. I love him so so so much. The two months we havent spoken has not changed how I felt. I know no contact is best because talking doesnt change anything. Us being together is also still contingent on him getting into the school he wants he wouldnt know until about April. I was kind of hoping he would text me on my birthday at the least. When my roommate called and said someone sent flowers I knew it was him. When I got home there was a card and it wasnt signed by anyone it just said happy birthday and my nickname. His phone number was on the receipt. I cried so hard. Its been a little over a week since then and I just miss him so terribly. I hate not knowing him. The soonest he would probably know about school is 6 months. Do I break no contact? Do I hold out? I literally dont know what to do with myself.

I tried to make it short but it’s long.

We were out the other night and I noticed him looking at a particular part of the room. When I looked to that part of the room, there was a group of girls. I was having a good time (on purpose) and I was unbothered at this point. But again, and again, I see him do this thing where it just feels like he’s being a little performative with me and then like glancing over to that corner- not super obvious but this has happened plenty of times. We were dancing, I was vibing but I do eventually sit down and just observe the environment. At this point, I have noticed one particular girl looking at him and then him looking at her. Not staring but definitely their eyes are consistently looking for each other.

There were also a group of guys in the area with as well, all with their back turned toward us, just chatting with one another which was drowned out by music. When he noticed me noticing he very casually said that “there is something about that group of guys that makes me want to introduce myself to them”. Mind you, they’re just huddling and haven’t interacted with us at all. And even when they left, he was still just looking at that in that corner of the room.

I wouldn’t be posting here if it wasn’t a common enough occurrence. We don’t even go out like too much, but 8/10 times that we do find ourselves in a place with plenty of other attractive people, he finds a favorite and oggles them the whole time we’re by them. I think he likes the attention because it’s not even always the most attractive person, but it’s whoever seems like him too. Not for nothing, but I definitely thought I looked a million times better than the one he was looking at, and her friends also looked better than her. Sometimes the other girl is very attractive. But mostly, it seems like if he caught anyone’s eye, he spends the night playing that game with them from wherever they are in the room.

I just feel like I’m picking up on an overall pattern that has developed over our years of being together; I have brushed off as “insecurity” the first couple of times but I’m done gaslighting myself because I’m not really even insecure as a person. What’s also concerning is that now we’ve escalated to proposing an “innocent” introduction out of it. It’s not like it ever happens with men and I wonder what it is that supposed to be so enthralling about a person just talking with their friends from across the room, other than the rush that they notice you? It literally just sounds like he wants to get to know her based off of a series of glances from across the room and not because she seems like a good friend or actually “interesting”, you know? And on top of that, if he is so emboldened with me there, what is he like when I’m not around? I’m pretty sure the only reason he didn’t introduce himself was because I was there and still too smart to think less of it.

It feels a little cucky for me to realize every time he puts me on his lap or whatever, he’s also glancing over my shoulder toward her. Like he’s trying to use me as a prop to be a little more interesting himself. He’s actually usually hard to get to dance and have a good time, in that type of setting. Even know this, I was trying to keep a good spirit because so many times before I felt like I’d ruin a good thing by being overly concerned, and this was supposed to be a special night, but I’ve already been fed up, so I did mention it super briefly on the way back home.

When he responded, there wasn’t even mention of the guys, as if he forgot what he said- the obvious “interest” was toward the girls. I just think as a man in a relationship, that specific display of interest is a red flag for sure, even if it never actually leads anywhere. I know other people feel differently but it’s like running around with a metal pole outside whenever there’s a lighting storm just because the odds of actually being struck are slim. I’ve made it very clear where I stand based on past times, I just want to be sure that I’m not being unreasonable since I only talk to him about it and literally never anyone else. I love him very much but this makes me never want to go out with him and I actually love going out and being social. It doesn’t feel safe to be myself because if that’s how he acts, imagine I had said “oh that sounds like a great idea! Let’s go talk to them” (which, when I’m with friends, im like that) I feel like if I would’ve left them alone they probably would’ve made out of the couch or at very least, he’s leaving that door open to interpretation.

Some things about him: sort of a home body, social but usually won’t initiate unless he’s hosting or there is a very obvious window where it’s welcomed, ego is subject to bruising, he’s slowly conceded from denial of even doing it to now “admitting” to these stares being because the other person is “interesting” and that day even thinking of introducing himself. I also have a lingering suspicion that he feels emboldened because he recently had a career boost and probably wants to drop his balls on everything (career boost is an ego boost). He has shown traits of “I’m bigger and badder now” type mentality where I can’t honestly say I’d put it past him. He doesn’t actually feel like a player though, and he doesn’t outwardly seem like one. He’s got a swagger, but he is outwardly modest, caring and generous. Responsible. He gives a sort of convincing air of humility, and while it doesn’t bother me much that it might be manufactured, I’d hope that he knows it never means he should disrespect me. I’m largely without complaint for him, but I’m fully aware for a persons ability to have two sides to them. Im not super clean cut and I give plenty of opportunity to let the man breathe and be accepting.

So I’m not even sure if I should feel disrespected, and I guess I kind of do. It’s almost like it’s not serious enough, but it’s toeing a line. I haven’t spoken to him about it yet, but I kinda feel like we’ve had this conversation multiple times anyway and I’m just over it so I’m considering just making my move but I don’t know what that move is. I’m just wondering if I’m overreacting? And even if I’m not, maybe a word on how to proceed? We’ve been together just over 3 years and I do mostly feel good about him. I also recognize that, while I don’t control people, I’m also not too tolerant of these things like a lot of people out ages (28F) (30m) seem to be, or they just say to do it back. Should it back?? As if tasting his own medicine will fix it. It seems childish. I’m also not an oggler. I will walk up to you and take it there, personally. But that’s also why I keep my eyes to myself when I’m in a relationship. So when I see it from him, it feels like he’s pussy footing the flirting stage and leaving it in a limbo but it’s close enough to stress me out and I don’t want to be stressed out. Cause then, if he actually did walk up to her and start flirting, I would definitely leave him and probably buy a drink just to pour it on him on the way out. So I don’t know but if you got to the end of this I would hug you, it’s my first time posting!

I’m in a bit of a rut right now. My boyfriend and I have been talking politics and world views quite a bit recently and I’ve come to realize that we are worlds apart. We got together fairly quickly, which in hindsight would have led to this problem.
We don’t think the same way at all… I used to think that it wasn’t a problem because why wouldn’t you want a partner that challenges you mentally? But now it’s come to a point where it’s almost always an argument rather than a discussion on a topic we don’t agree on.

He’s a much more optimistic person than I am and he tries to get me to be the same way but I’m really just not. He seems to get pretty distraught when I talk about how I view people and society and tells me that it’s not a good way to think, but he misunderstands how I apply my outlook to my life and doesn’t really listen when I do tell him. I never tell him that the way he lives his life is wrong…

If this relationship was in an earlier stage I might have had less trouble talking about this to anyone… and I know we should’ve had these discussions earlier on, but I feel really awkward telling him that I don’t feel compatible after almost 2 years together.

I would feel horrible wasting both of our time. I don’t want to make the wrong decision here…
How would I bring this up? What questions do I need to ask myself?

(Sorry for any errors)

Hi All,

For context I’ve been seeing this girl for about 2 months. Unfortunately whenever I was with her I was always quiet and anxious and didn’t know what to say around her.

She was very open and honest and I liked her so much but then she made me realise I wasn’t doing the same for her and it really ate me up.

We spoke today and she said that she was emotionally exhausted and now feels anxious around me and we should take a few days away from each other along with a lot of other things that she’s feeling.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to make this work which I think made me become quiet around her.

I’m going to start going to therapy this week just to see what I can do to work on these issues, cause I know that even if this doesn’t work out I will be the same with the next person I date.

Does this mean she wants to end it? I’ve started to drop the pressure of making it work and being comfortable being myself but idk if I did it too late.

Any advice would be appreciated, I’m starting to lose my mind.

Edit- I guess, like... My point of posting this is- is it wrong to leave him over this? I've talked to him about it, we were even briefly in couple's therapy. There are bigger problems, but this is the issue I'm sharing here. And why haven't I left? We have a child together and YES, my self esteem IS that bad.

Tldr- Partner expects regular oral sex despite not giving it in return for 10 years

I've been with my partner for 10 years...

When we first got together he was a virgin. He gave me oral, or attempted to, but threw up. He said it was gross and suffocating, but he'd work on tolerating it. That never happened, I just went 10 years without oral. He says pussy is just gross and he couldn't do it with anyone, period.

I'm rather sexually experienced, I miss oral. I've never had a man or woman grossed out by me before.

But through the relationship, I've given him oral regularly. The past year though, I've stopped. I'd get bitter giving him oral, struggling with frustration while pleasing him, and even finding him repulsive as of late. (For other reasons)

On a daily basis he pressures me over oral. Sending me memes about it, cracking pitiful jokes, passive comments, and just plainly complaining about it .

I'm not going to pressure him into giving me oral, honestly, I don't even have the confidence anymore. He's made me feel disgusting over the years.

I don't want to force myself into giving him oral. I've expressed how I feel, but his response is "well you know I CAN'T, don't pressure me. I feel sexually coerced. You're making me feel selfish. Do you want to leave me for a different man?"

He told me yesterday that my refusal to give him oral is eroding his self-confidence and he feels gross. That he misses the worship, connection and intimacy.