An older priest has a younger colleague over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest notices how attractive the housekeeper is. He can't help but wonder about the exact nature of the relationship between the older priest and his housekeeper. Noticeable of the young priest's glances, the old priest assures him: "I promise you, there is absolutely nothing going on between my housekeeper and me."

A week later, the housekeeper mentions that a spoon has been missing for a week. The older priest decides to write a letter to his young colleague: "I am not saying you took the spoon, and I am not saying you didn't take it; but the fact remains that it has been missing for a week now."

A few days later, the older priest receives a reply: "I am not saying you sleep with your housekeeper, and I am not saying you don't sleep with her; but the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found it by now."

The wife writes, "honey, I want to build our garden in the backyard in celebration of you being released in a few months. But the landscaper wants $10,000 to dig up the backyard. What should I do?" The husband writes back "Don't worry honey. I have buried thousands of dollars in the backyard that the police didn't find. Just go look for the buried money and pay the landscapers with that money."

A few weeks later, the wife writes back "honey! The police came and dug up the whole backyard looking for that money! But they didn't find anything. And now the backyard is completely destroyed, just loose dirt is left."

The husband responds. "Perfect! I never buried any money. Now start planting your garden."

The guy says, "My wife just left me, right out of the blue!"

"Did she say why?" asks the bartender.

The guy says, "She said I didn't care about her, and that my entire life just revolves around football."

The bartender says, "That's terrible. How long were you married?"

And the guy says, "We were together for seven seasons."

A guy is visiting a friend for the first time and notices the house is full of Michael Jackson merchandise.

"I always knew you were passionate about Michael Jackson, but I didn't realise you were THIS passionate!"

"Oh, yeah, I am! I have been to all his concerts, I bought all of his t-shirts, do you wanna hear one of his albums? I have a room with the whole collection and a stereo with his autograph. I even have a Jackson-brand fridge where I only store his favourite foods, if you want a snack before the album."

"Sure, but can I use the restroom before that?"

"Down the hallway, the door with the giant painting of Michael Jackson. Did you know he goes every day at 7:30?"

"Woah man, you love that guy! I bet you were devastated when he died"

"...he WHAT?"

Edit: minor corrections

A frustrated Shaolin acolyte walks up to his teacher and tells him, "Master, it has been years now and my technique is not improving. What must I do to be as good as you, Master?"

The older man looks at him with kind eyes and says, "My child, have you ever observed the ants - how they work tirelessly day and night to build something that can be swept away with a single wave of the hand?"

"Yes Master, many times," the young one says.

"Have you ever noticed how, in the fiercest storm, bamboo always bends, but never breaks?"

"Yes Master."

"And have you ever stopped to contemplate the reflection of the full moon in still water?"

"Of course Master, many times."

"Now I see your problem, young one. You keep looking at stupid shit instead of practicing."

I didn't realize it until I crossed the Finnish line.

The nurse asks the rabbit, "what's your blood type?"

The rabbit responds: "i think I'm a type O."

Three guys die and arrive at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter says, “We have one rule up here. You may have anything you want, but you must never step on a duck.”
The gates open. Heaven is full of ducks. Everywhere. Ducks in the streets, ducks in the gardens, ducks in the clouds.
The first guy lasts about ten minutes before stepping on one.
POOF! St. Peter appears, chains him to the ugliest woman imaginable, and says, “Your punishment for eternity.”
The second guy lasts a month. Then he steps on a duck.
POOF! Same thing. Chained to an equally unfortunate woman.
The third guy is careful for years. Never steps on a duck. Never even comes close.
One day, St. Peter appears with a gorgeous woman on his arm, chains her to the guy, and walks away.
The guy looks at her and says, “Wow. I must have done something really good to deserve you!”
The woman sighs and says:
“I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”

Three rich brothers each wanted to do something special for their elderly mother on Mother's Day.

The first brother bought her a huge house.

The second brother gave her a limousine, with a driver.

The third brother remembered that his mother used to love to read the Bible, but couldn't see well anymore, so he got her a specially trained parrot that could recite any verse from the Bible on demand.

Soon, the brothers received thank-you notes from their mother.

The first son's note said, "Thank you for the house you bought me, but it's too big! I only live in a small part of it, but I have to clean the whole thing!"

The second son got a note that said, "Thank you for the link and driver! Unfortunately, I rarely leave the house anymore, so I hardly use it. And when I do, the driver is very rude!"

The third son's note said, "My darling baby boy, thank you, you know just what your mother loves! The chicken was amazing! It even prayed before I cooked it!"

Wanting to make sure she hit her heart and didn’t just cripple herself, she called her doctor.
“Doctor, where exactly is a woman’s heart?”
“Right below the left breast,” he told her.
That night Gertrude was admitted to the hospital with a bullet straight through her knee.

Because they dilate….

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating, and although she isn't completely sure yet, she goes ahead and buys a gun anyway. When she suddenly walks into his apartment unexpected, she sees him lying in bed with another woman. The blonde completely loses it! She opens her bag, points the gun at herself, and cries out. Her boyfriend jumps out of bed and screams, "But honey, don't do it!", to which the blonde replies, "Oh shut up, you're next!"

Not a fancy motel room, but not a crappy one either. His bed is clean and pretty comfortable, he flips on the TV to find the place has basic cable and Netflix. He takes a shower in the shower/tub combo (decent water pressure), and finds some of his clothes in his closet. Eventually, Bill makes his way outside to find the motel sits on a 9-hole golf course. The weather is reaching the mid-80s and is a bit balmy, but not unbearable.

As he stands outside his room, wondering where he is and what he should do next, a young man with a pointed goatee and wearing a red suit approaches in a shiny black golf cart.

“New guy!” The man calls out, driving up. Now that the man is closer, Bill notices he has two small horns protruding from his forehead. “Welcome to Hell! Hop aboard, I’ll show you around!”

Reluctantly, Bill takes the leather seat next to Satan and they take off. It doesn’t take long for Bill to realize, however, that Hell really wasn’t so bad. His eternal accommodations had a few decent restaurants on site, a nice sized pool and hot tub, air conditioning in his room, and even his own golf cart (not as nice as Satan’s, of course).

“Sure, it’s a little hot and the amenities are nothing like you’d see in Heaven, but we get by.” Satan told him as they turned back towards Bill’s room. “Now, we’ll see you at the mixer tonight, right? It’s at the Italian place. Just something I like to do for the newbies.”

Before Bill could respond, the golf cart crested a hill where, in the distance, he could see a fiery pit of unspeakable torment. Bill stared, dumbfounded as naked souls wailed in agony as they soared into the sky only to plummet back into the horrors that waited below.

“What the here is that‽” Bill cried out, unable to tear his eyes away from witnessing punishments not meant for the eyes of man.

“Oh that?” Satan glanced over to the pit and kept driving, “you don’t have to worry about that. We built it for the Catholics. They insisted on it.”

Three:

A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear 😄

Apparently he couldn’t see that well

Coma toes

A boxing coach tries to comfort his defeated fighter.

“But you really scared your opponent in the third round.”

“How?”

“He thought he’d killed you.”

I thought they were pretty coo.

All the tests come back normal. When he returns for the results, the doctor explains that everything is fine physically. He asks, "How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you satisfied with your situation, and how is your relationship with God?" Maurice replies, "I have a great relationship with God. He knows my eyesight is bad, and for example last night, He made sure that when I have to go to the bathroom, the light turns on by itself. And when I'm done, the light goes out by itself." "Wow," says the doctor, "that is truly incredible!" Later that day, the doctor calls Roza, Maurice's wife. He says, "Maurice's health is perfectly fine, but I wanted to ask you something about his relationship with God. Is it true that when he has to go pee at night, the light turns on by itself and then goes back out by itself?" Roza shouts furiously, "GOD DAMN IT!! That old bastard peed in the fridge again!!"