A frustrated Shaolin acolyte walks up to his teacher and tells him, "Master, it has been years now and my technique is not improving. What must I do to be as good as you, Master?"

The older man looks at him with kind eyes and says, "My child, have you ever observed the ants - how they work tirelessly day and night to build something that can be swept away with a single wave of the hand?"

"Yes Master, many times," the young one says.

"Have you ever noticed how, in the fiercest storm, bamboo always bends, but never breaks?"

"Yes Master."

"And have you ever stopped to contemplate the reflection of the full moon in still water?"

"Of course Master, many times."

"Now I see your problem, young one. You keep looking at stupid shit instead of practicing."

I met a girl online one day, we got really

intimate. We sent pictures to each other,

sometimes intimate. This went on for

months. And one day my mother passed

away and because of my depression i

didn't open my phone for 2 weeks. And

after the 2 week phase I tried texting her

but she never responded. After being

heart broken by that as well I was really

depressed. Then a few weeks later, my

mom's colleagues needed a picture of

her for a memorial so I went through my

mom's phone's gallery, and there I found

the intimate pictures I sent to my online

girlfriend...

The nurse asks the rabbit, "what's your blood type?"

The rabbit responds: "i think I'm a type O."

I thought they were pretty coo.

Coma toes

…but I can only fascinate.

Wetty Fap

being scalped

I didn't realize it until I crossed the Finnish line.

Apparently he couldn’t see that well

Mom: “POOF! You’re a sandwich!”

The guy says, "My wife just left me, right out of the blue!"

"Did she say why?" asks the bartender.

The guy says, "She said I didn't care about her, and that my entire life just revolves around football."

The bartender says, "That's terrible. How long were you married?"

And the guy says, "We were together for seven seasons."

Three rich brothers each wanted to do something special for their elderly mother on Mother's Day.

The first brother bought her a huge house.

The second brother gave her a limousine, with a driver.

The third brother remembered that his mother used to love to read the Bible, but couldn't see well anymore, so he got her a specially trained parrot that could recite any verse from the Bible on demand.

Soon, the brothers received thank-you notes from their mother.

The first son's note said, "Thank you for the house you bought me, but it's too big! I only live in a small part of it, but I have to clean the whole thing!"

The second son got a note that said, "Thank you for the link and driver! Unfortunately, I rarely leave the house anymore, so I hardly use it. And when I do, the driver is very rude!"

The third son's note said, "My darling baby boy, thank you, you know just what your mother loves! The chicken was amazing! It even prayed before I cooked it!"

An older priest has a younger colleague over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest notices how attractive the housekeeper is. He can't help but wonder about the exact nature of the relationship between the older priest and his housekeeper. Noticeable of the young priest's glances, the old priest assures him: "I promise you, there is absolutely nothing going on between my housekeeper and me."

A week later, the housekeeper mentions that a spoon has been missing for a week. The older priest decides to write a letter to his young colleague: "I am not saying you took the spoon, and I am not saying you didn't take it; but the fact remains that it has been missing for a week now."

A few days later, the older priest receives a reply: "I am not saying you sleep with your housekeeper, and I am not saying you don't sleep with her; but the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found it by now."

It ran out.

What is the difference between a Brazilian and a European wax? 'Taint much.

Cowboys

I hear he has become a maths teacher. He's loving angles instead.

The wife writes, "honey, I want to build our garden in the backyard in celebration of you being released in a few months. But the landscaper wants $10,000 to dig up the backyard. What should I do?" The husband writes back "Don't worry honey. I have buried thousands of dollars in the backyard that the police didn't find. Just go look for the buried money and pay the landscapers with that money."

A few weeks later, the wife writes back "honey! The police came and dug up the whole backyard looking for that money! But they didn't find anything. And now the backyard is completely destroyed, just loose dirt is left."

The husband responds. "Perfect! I never buried any money. Now start planting your garden."

A guy is visiting a friend for the first time and notices the house is full of Michael Jackson merchandise.

"I always knew you were passionate about Michael Jackson, but I didn't realise you were THIS passionate!"

"Oh, yeah, I am! I have been to all his concerts, I bought all of his t-shirts, do you wanna hear one of his albums? I have a room with the whole collection and a stereo with his autograph. I even have a Jackson-brand fridge where I only store his favourite foods, if you want a snack before the album."

"Sure, but can I use the restroom before that?"

"Down the hallway, the door with the giant painting of Michael Jackson. Did you know he goes every day at 7:30?"

"Woah man, you love that guy! I bet you were devastated when he died"

"...he WHAT?"

Edit: minor corrections

He also has an absolute fascination with etymology which he reliably informs me is the study of the history and origin of sword.

A boxing coach tries to comfort his defeated fighter.

“But you really scared your opponent in the third round.”

“How?”

“He thought he’d killed you.”