r/tryingforanother • u/kmwilliams09 • May 03 '26
Discussion Dealing with sadness and disappointment over large age gaps
As title states. Looking to chat with others dealing with the same sadness and disappointment and how you are dealing with it. I have two beautiful children aged 9 and (soon to be) 6 who I am beyond grateful for. But I thought that age gap was pushing it (though alas, it is all good and well). We have been ttc our third for a year now and at this point, even if we conceived this cycle the age gap would be 10 and nearly 7 and it’s starting to feel like the moment is passing but I wish desperately that it wasn’t. To be completely honest, I’d love 4 but looking like we may not even get to 3 and I’m struggling with mourning the age gaps and closeness I had imagined and hoped for for my children. I’m also wondering if it’s just too unfair to a third at this point to be so removed from the closeness and shared experiences of my current children. Worst thing is, I have encouraged others in this area but I myself am also struggling. I have 1 brother 10 years younger than me and we have no relationship. This is not what I want for my children. Who’s sitting in this sadness with me? What has helped? Did you choose not to keep TTC purely for the reason of a large age gap?
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u/LoveYourLabTech 28 | Grad 6/26 | MC 8/25 May 03 '26
Just sharing that my mom and her sister have a 10 year age gap, and they are each other's best friends. I know that's not your experience, but I wanted to give you the alternate possibility. <3
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u/kmwilliams09 May 06 '26
This is exactly what I was reaching for, to hear that it is more than possible and that my experience doesn’t necessarily determine my children’s experience so thank you!
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u/sparklesequin 36| TTC#2 since 1/25 | 🩵 1/24 May 03 '26
I’m not sure if this will help at all, but sister in law had an 8 and 6 year old when their third was born and I vividly remember her saying babies should come with 8 year old siblings because of how invested the 8 year old was in the baby and how much they helped. As they’ve grown up, the older 2 absolutely adore the youngest, who in turns adores them.
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u/kmwilliams09 May 06 '26
Aww. that does help. I also love hearing it has continued as they’ve grown
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u/CreativeJudgment3529 May 03 '26
I have a 25 year age gap with my little sister lol
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u/kmwilliams09 May 06 '26
Wow! Do you feel like her second mom? I recall feeling somewhat maternal with my baby brother when I was 10 and 11 lol.
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u/CrazySheltieLady TTC #2 since 2017 May 03 '26
We have a 6 year age gap between my first and second and 4 between my second and third. My oldest is the absolute sweetest with his younger sisters. It’s honestly been so awesome having a kiddo old enough to age-appropriately (mostly) entertain a younger sibling in the car or while I grab a quick shower. He could make a bottle for me. His reading really made huge jumps when his middle sister was born and we sat him down to read to her. I had wanted more kids and did not expect to have to be still pregnant at 38. But while bittersweet, the age gap itself is mostly sweet.
Edit: oh also, it’s awesome to not have two kids to diaper at the same time. I often thank my lucky stars for that.
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u/kmwilliams09 May 06 '26
Love this! Yes I agree, not having 2 in diapers was so amazing with my 2 and I am very glad there’s no chance of that ever happening for us, so that’s a positive lol.
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u/SmartPomegranate4833 May 03 '26
I’m closer to my sister with the 9 year age gap than I am to the one with the 4 year one 🤷♀️
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u/kmwilliams09 May 06 '26
Interesting and also wonderful to hear that the age gap did not make a difference
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u/_juniormint 36 | Grad | 2 MMC 01/25 & 05/25 | 🩷12/22 🇨🇦 May 03 '26
I know it’s slightly different than your question but I have 2 siblings who are 4 and 10 yrs older than me, and I have the closest relationship of us 3 with my parents. I often think if they didn’t end up having me, they would be pretty lonely empty nesters.
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u/tabbytigerlily 40 | 💗 2019 | 🌈 Grad due Dec. 2025 May 04 '26
I was in a similar boat and ended up getting my long-awaited second (and almost certainly final) baby when my first was 6. Baby is still new and we are all still adjusting, but I had a lot of similar worries. I still do, to be honest. Their needs are so different at these two stages that I find myself struggling to meet them both fully. And I worry they’ll never be close, though I’m doing all I can to nurture closeness at this early stage. But, again, it’s all still new and I have a lot of hope that things will improve as I gain confidence and experience as a mom of two.
On the plus side, there’s no doubt that logistically things are way easier. Having a kid who is old enough to be left to her own devices for a while and who can be trusted not to smother the baby with love when I look away is so nice! It’s hard for me to imagine handling an infant and a 2-year-old who is actively endangering themselves every time I turn around.
One thing I think you have going for you is that this will be your third. I think it’s tougher for my daughter because she had 6 whole years of never having to share her parents. It’s a big adjustment for her.
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u/kmwilliams09 May 06 '26
That jump from 1 to 2 😮💨 it’s so hard because you go from giving 1 child all the attention to now you have to divide it and they almost always want different things at the same time lol. I can see what you mean with yours having such widely different needs now but I do think it’s sweet that your older child can actually help meet some of the needs of your younger. This is something I remember doing with my brother when he was a baby as well. I actually think it wasn’t until my teenage years and other stuff happening in our household that caused a riff between me and my parents that ultimately caused the same riff between me and my brother, simply because he was so much younger so they were as a unit, if that makes sense. I was also angry and selfish, dealing with my own stuff I know some of it falls on me not being the older sister I should have been. Sounds like you are doing all the right things, fostering their relationship early and I think it’s reasonable to assume that will carry on 💕
I agree, my children will have already had experience sharing parents, items, space, everything. My youngest doesn’t know any different, actually because of this she struggles with self entertaining lol. But in the same breath, I worry she would also really struggle with not being the “baby” anymore but I can see her loving to help with a baby so that would hopefully ease things. I can sympathize with your daughter as I was the only child for 10 years when my brother came on the scene and I had a big adjustment period. but I’m thankful my parents did help me through, reassuring me we were both loved and important to them and that went a long way for me so I’m sure it will for your daughter too 💕.
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u/AtmosphericPresh May 03 '26
My favorite sister is 12 yrs younger than me...and the one that drives me insane is a year apart. Age gaps aren't that big of a deal. I think it's how we raise them that matters most.
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u/kmwilliams09 May 06 '26
Love to hear that. I agree, the way they are raised matters so much. I think I just let my anxiety and worry take over sometimes
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u/Freezingblade491 May 03 '26
Following to here others opinions because we wanted 3 years but due to multiple MMC we’re now in the middle of ivf and looking at a 5 year age gap minimum
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u/kmwilliams09 May 06 '26
I’m so sorry for your losses. Hoping this thread brings you some comfort and you have success in your IVF journey
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u/FrenchGray May 03 '26
One of my sisters and I have a 9 year age gap and we talk every day! I love having a sister that much younger.
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u/Upstairs-Lemon-5585 May 04 '26
My husband has a sister that’s 2.5 years younger and they get along but are not super close. His younger brother however is 10 years younger and they are VERY VERY close.
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u/kmwilliams09 May 06 '26
I do think I give the ages all the weight and haven’t taken personality types into enough consideration. Love hearing about these close relationships with big age gaps!
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u/beachqueen5793 32 | TTC#2 since 11/25 | 4/24🩵 May 03 '26
My sister had her third when her boys were 11 and 8 and they have the sweetest relationship with their little sister (she’s now 2) 💕 also to note my older sister and younger brother are 9 years apart and they always had a solid relationship
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u/kmwilliams09 May 06 '26
Thanks so much for sharing. These age gaps are more what we would be dealing with so it’s especially good to hear
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u/No_Oil_7116 May 04 '26
My brother and I were six years apart. While we weren’t always the closest, it was never something I thought about while growing up. My best friend and her sister are also 6 years apart and have always been very close, even sharing a room most of their lives
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u/jellybean_pudding May 04 '26
My husband and I have a almost 6yr old and a 4yr old. They are 20 months apart and have a great brotherly bond which is amazing.
Because they were so close together my husband and I were careful about not getting pregnant again too quickly.
I finally got my husband on board with a third about 10 months ago and we still haven’t conceived.
We thought it would happen the first time we tried as our boys were both a one time thing.
My husband has a 7 and 5yr age gap between him and his older siblings.
He really didn’t want that for our children but it’s looking like that will be the case for us.
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u/kmwilliams09 May 06 '26
One thing I am learning through this thread and with my own friends, is that it really is a family by family, person by person experience and dynamic that determines sibling connection and to not let my own experience with my brother decide the only outcome for my kids. It could be totally different! And given my experience, and your husband’s, hopefully we would go into it with more awareness and be more equipped to better foster their relationships.
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u/nightshadeaubergine 35 | TTC #3 since late 2024 | 🌸 2021 🌸 2023 May 04 '26
Just chiming in to say that I’m past a year trying for a third as well and feel you! I thought I might want four. Now I would be really thankful to have three. My older two are younger than yours, but I do think about the gap all the time. I’m starting to let go and move toward just letting it happen if it’s going to. I’m really Type A so this is a big deal. It has helped me to read stories of siblings who have a gap but are close. Also my parents are from really big families. But one is closest to a sibling 10 years older and the other to one 6 years older!
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u/kmwilliams09 May 06 '26
I too have been trying to just let it go and let it be, overall. But then at certain moments it hits me and I feel almost panicked that time is slipping right past us. Stupid anxiety haha. I also sometimes think, well if we were able to have 4 then maybe the younger 2 siblings could at least be close. But I know that is very wishful, unreasonable thinking considering our infertility struggle. Ever since having my kids I had hoped for 3 but life circumstances for a few years were not at all conducive to that and then we had a shift of life events and so this is why we are here trying for our third so late and of course I’m wishing we could go back and change things sooner but alas that is not how life works! I really hope you get what you are wishing for
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u/nightshadeaubergine 35 | TTC #3 since late 2024 | 🌸 2021 🌸 2023 May 06 '26
I have the same thought about having a gap then two close together! In my head maybe surprise twins are coming so I will be thankful for the gap. It really is mind games. Thanks so much for the good wishes, and all the best to you in getting the larger family you envision ❤️
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u/Similar_Advance2351 May 04 '26
I’m in a similar boat hoping for a second with a 5 year old, it’s hard but I’m not giving up yet
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u/kmwilliams09 May 06 '26
Hoping this thread of positive comments gives you a boost of positivity like it has for me 💕
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u/hellotoday5290 36| grad 10/13 🩷 May 04 '26
Im extremely close to my cousin with a ten year age gap- she’s basically like a sister ( we lived together when we were younger.) my son is 6 years older than my daughter and they are obsessed with each other. Shes just five months and the way she lights up when hes near her…. and he loooves making her laugh and playing with her and just helping with her in general.
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u/thebotanicalbandit May 04 '26
I am 8 years from my sister and we are best friends. Took us getting a little older but so glad to have each other!!
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u/Jojo_yo_1 28 | TTC#2 since 10/25 | 🩵 8/24 May 04 '26
My half sister is 12 years younger than me and we are pals!
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u/Here-to-search-learn 40 | TTC#2 since April '25| 👧 April '22 May 04 '26
Hi I am writing this comment lying at the hospital after my hsg. I have a 4 year old girl, and we are hoping to give her a sibling some time soon. I am not too worried about the age gap but because I am 40, I also feel like we are racing against time.
Anyway, I myself am the number 4 of my siblings, I was an accident. My older siblings are 9,11 and 13 years older than me. I love them and I had a happy childhood. Yes, with that age gap perhaps I was a bit like an only child, but with three extra young people at home that loved me and also loved entertaining me. I never felt like I missed out. Ok if I am being honest maybe at times when I was a teenager. But it was never a big deal for me.
I wish you and your family the best!
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u/kmwilliams09 May 06 '26
I do understand your feelings of racing against time. I am mid-late 30s so I do have some more time but I have only 1 ovary left with a dermoid cyst on it. It isn’t affecting the function of my ovary yet, but it is slowly growing and only a matter of time before it does, just like my last one did that resulted in my oophorectomy. That coupled with knowing I would be having a repeat c-section and recovery at my age now being much different than with my others.
I do really enjoy hearing about your overall pleasant experience as the youngest. I know some feelings of being left out, etc are unavoidable but if my kids can have a positive relationship with each other, I’d be content no matter what that looks like. I appreciate you sharing.
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May 04 '26
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u/kmwilliams09 May 06 '26
I can completely understand that. For me, I don’t mind so much the idea of “starting over”. I really enjoy those early stages (enjoying the stages my children are in now as well). But I often think about all the activities and interests my children are outgrowing and how having those around again with a much younger sibling would coincide with their current interests and activities. Specifically, when we want to do things as a family. Of course my kids now have different interests from one another other, but their ability level is closer so we can do shared activities more easily. I think of my best friend who has a 6 year age gap with her oldest and youngest and often when we get together with our kids, her oldest isn’t there because what we are doing is “boring”. It’s a totally normal, age appropriate thing for her oldest but it makes me so sad imagining myself out doing things without my oldest simply because we are doing younger kid stuff. Idk maybe this doesn’t make sense to anyone else.
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u/BrothersGrimmly May 04 '26
I have a 6.5 year age gap, a 9.5 year gap, and a 21 year gap with my siblings. We are all close.
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u/kmwilliams09 May 06 '26
I love that. Is there anything specific that your parents did that you think contributed to your being close?
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u/BrothersGrimmly May 06 '26
My brother who is 6.5 years younger and I always just clicked. He’s my best friend. My grandparents (who I lived with) made sure he and I had activities to do together and all that. Nothing fancy.
And then my youngest brother and I just spent lots of time together. I put in the effort with him as I was old enough to understand that importance. I knew I wanted to be a part of his life and not just someone he saw on holidays
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u/Sxemami May 04 '26
My son is 7. I have a 9 year age gap with my brother and have a terrible relationship with him. Part of me is thinking of throwing in the towel and not even thinking about having more. The older my son gets and the more self sufficient he is the more I think about restarting and how much it doesn’t seem appealing.
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u/kmwilliams09 May 06 '26
I am in the same boat. I am having a hard time separating what I actually want to do next with what I wish had already happened, if that makes sense. I would have loved to have had a baby by now, but I am also not sure continuing to try at this point makes any sense. It is comforting to hear everyone’s experiences with their siblings that have a large age gap, but my personal experience with my sibling weighs in the heaviest, for obvious reasons. I have CD21 labs I’m having drawn tomorrow and my husband has a semen analysis already scheduled so we are going to continue with those and see the results and then re evaluate our plan. Hoping we (you and I) both land on a decision that we can feel at peace with.
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u/passion4film 39F | TTC#2 since 2/26 | 🌈🌈🩵 1/25 May 05 '26
I have one sister, 11 years older, and because of that, I really understand this. 🫂
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u/kmwilliams09 May 06 '26
It can be very difficult to connect when you are in completely different stages in life. I think I’m also realizing as I work through this, that age was not the only factor for me and my brother’s disconnect but because of other stuff, the age gap makes it all that much harder
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u/pagingdoctorbug May 07 '26
Large age gaps are different than small age gaps, but not necessarily worse! My dad and his sister are 13 years apart and very close...I know people only 1 year apart from their sibling that don't speak. Personality is much more important than age, in that regard. Having a much older kid with a new baby I think is an easier adjustment for them, and also for you.
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u/Important_Editor5022 May 07 '26
I have a little brother 9 years younger than me, and he is my literal twin, we have the same hobbies and interests and I'm his go to adult. I have a sister 18 months younger than me and even though we are close as well, my brother is just super close to me and even my husband.
Sometimes I'm like how did my mom do it all over again almost a decade after her first two, but my brother really completes our trio and I'm not sure what we would be like without him.
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u/Cute-Sandwich8366 May 09 '26
My sister is 20 years older than me and we are best friends im 35 and she is 55 we call each other daily eventhough were in different countries
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u/Best_Try4256 May 19 '26
I don't have any particular advice just to share I'm in almost the same boat - hoping for a third, and even though we conceived easily both times, this time it's just not happening. There's a 2 year gap between our two and they get along really well, and now my youngest turned 3 and I feel #3 is never going to happen, and my dream of them three growing up together is vanishing with each and every cycle we don't conceive... Initially I was hoping for a 3 years gap max, then 3.5 yrs max, now we're looking at about 4 years gap and I'm thinking the third will feel left out, grow up as an only child, us having to "start again" when they're finally both potty trained, in school, etc. It feels like it's a worse and worse idea just with the passing of time, and my heart breaks for all the love I had for the third child. My brain knows I'm a tad dramatic, but I can't help these thoughts whirling in my head from time to time.
That said, my cousins are a three siblings, two boys with a 15 months gap then 5.5 years gap third girl - and now they're grown ups and love and support each other beautifully. I hang out with them a lot as a child and it never crossed my mind that they're not "growing up together". I think of them a lot when my heart goes into sad mode.
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