My spouse recently received a group text from a cousin regarding the cousin's mother's 75th birthday.

The cousin explained that she is planning to take her mother to Japan. She wants to book her mother in business class or premium economy for the long-haul flight, either one way or round trip depending on the cost.

She then invited extended family members to contribute any amount they wanted toward the upgraded airfare. She specifically said there was no obligation to contribute and that any amount would be appreciated.

For some context:

• We are extended family, but we aren't particularly close. We probably see her once every year or two, usually at larger family gatherings.
• Her mother is also extended family rather than someone we have a particularly close personal relationship with.
• This isn't a situation involving financial hardship or an emergency. They appear financially stable and the Japan trip is already something the cousin intends to take with her mother.
• The money being requested isn't to make the trip possible. It's specifically to help pay for a premium-economy or business-class upgrade as a birthday surprise.

My spouse and I had different initial reactions to the message, so I'm curious about the general etiquette here.

I completely understand siblings, children, grandchildren, or very close family members deciding together to pool money for a milestone birthday gift.

What felt unusual to me was reaching out to more distant relatives and asking them to financially participate in a fairly expensive luxury gift that had already been chosen by the person organizing it.

At the same time, the message was polite and clearly said there was no obligation, so perhaps this is becoming normal for group gifts.

Would you consider this a perfectly reasonable invitation to participate in a group gift, somewhat tacky but harmless, or inappropriate etiquette?

I'm genuinely interested in how others would perceive the request rather than whether we personally should contribute.

I'm an assistant manager at a gas station, and I've been given the task of letting one of my employees know that there's a problem with how she smells. I don’t really know how to have that conversation in a way that's considerate of her feelings, and I'll take any advice I can get. I'm ok with being uncomfortable myself, but I want to keep her dignity intact as much as possible.

Here are some things to know about the situation. I don't know if they make a difference.

She's an older lady (maybe mid-60s). I'm a man in my 40s.

The smell is like a microwaved fish. It can be overwhelming. I don't know what causes it.

The smell has been off and on. Sometimes it has been less intense, but it has gotten more intense lately.

I'm trying to think of how I would like to be told about it myself, but I'm coming up blank. Does anyone have any suggestions? The only thing I can't do is politely ignore it.

For context, I had plans today with some classmates to meet up and cover some of the course material to prepare for an upcoming test, and they both cancelled over text last minute. I am not angry, sad, annoyed, or anything; but I am not sure how to respond without sounding like I could be. I feel like my gut responses (All good, No prob, No worries) sound like they might be passive aggressive. I want to simply acknowledge that they have cancelled, without any sort of emotional charge.

Edit - Added context

I believe there are a handful of pretty clear basic etiquette understandings about casual house/backyard parties.

As a host, I make sure I show every guest interest and politeness, make introductions, circulate to check in, add to conversations in a positive way *and/but* also know when to give guests space and let them have their own enjoyment of the time and company.

As a guest, I need to rsvp on time, show up per the invite, and be gracious to the host and respectful of other guests. Before all that though, I am a firm believer that an invite is not a summons, so if you really don't want to go, RSVP with a polite no.

What prompted this was a discussion I had the other night with some friends where one of them was invited to a backyard 55th birthday party where the host said there would be a "silly hat contest" and that if you didn't bring a silly hat there would be ones provided for you. He (my friend) said there was some awkwardness because some guests not only didn't bring silly hats but also didn't want to wear a "house" one.

I think a polite host in that situation lets his guests choose not to participate. A polite guest who doesn't want to participate should nevertheless be cheerful and watch the contest and not go off in some corner to isolate on their phone. After all, this is a casual birthday party and a "silly hat contest" is just an activity and not the specific reason for the gathering.

What apparently happened is the host was a little aggressive with goading the reluctant guests to wear hats and the vibe was sort of off.

I made the contrast to, say, a party at a mini-golf place where if you go expecting *not* to play mini-golf that's sort of being a difficult guest. or any party where the activity is the party itself and by not participating you're sort of choosing to isolate. A compromise I brough up was a couple of weeks ago I was invited to a friend's poker night and I don't play poker but i went and took care of food and beverages and occasionally deal.

Thoughts?

Curious on social etiquette for parties in the United States.

I recently hosted a birthday/ get together at my house. I wanted to keep it fairly casual, invited about 30 friends from various circles of my life ( lots of overlapping groups so generally folks knew each other or atleast a few others). I planned it for early afternoon since most of it was going to be outside to enjoy the nice weather ( snacks, wine, some bbq, yard games etc). Overall I think 20 or so folks showed up throughout the afternoon.

Because it wasn't a formal dinner or anything I didn't expect folks to be super punctual but the range of folks arriving surprised me a little bit.

A few folks were right on time so it was a small group, not awkward but the 3 folks who were on time didn't independently know each other. For the first hour and a half it was just me and these 3.

The bulk of the rest of the crowd showed up about 2 hours after the start time. By the time they were showing up the original few who got there on time started to leave, and then 3-4 hours after the start time another round of folks ( maybe final 5-6 people) came. For me, a few folks arriving late that might make sense but seems standard to me if you're running that late to shoot a text saying you're still coming but late? Since so many folks were that late it turned into a second little party with the last 5-6 folks which was nice enough but it was a bit awkward in the sense by the time they came bbq was off and done and all that so had to restart that.

I guess whenever I'm invited to a birthday or picnic etc, I try to be there within 30 mins of the invite time since it just seems polite. Like I said this was fairly casual and overall the flow was okay but I was genuinely surprised so many people came so late. Is this typical now? Should I have included an end time on my invite? It was also interesting because for me, if I'm running more than 30 min late or so I'd shoot a quick text to the host to say I'm coming just running late. For the folks who arrived 4 hours late, who knows those of us at the party could have decided to go to a bar or something by that point!

I want to host another party for Halloween/ pumpkin carving but for that ideally folks would more or less show up around same time and I want to avoid a 4 hour+ spread of folks arriving.

Curious on social expectations and other people's experiences!

For context, the folks invited are all in their 30s and a few low to mid 40s.

What is the etiquette for when you are invited to a toddler's/kid's party and the invitation mentions "just bring yourself, please no gifts" ? Do I really not bring a gift?

I live in an apartment building.

I try to be patient and understanding when it comes to taking out your laundry.

My question is,how long do you wait for them to take out their laundry?

I have had to 5 minutes to almost 2 hours on multiple occasions (mostly it was between 5-20 minutes).

I’m curious what other people would do in this situation.
A girl I’ve known for years we went to both high school and university together is getting married. Over time, we’ve naturally drifted apart a bit. We still live in the same area, but we’re both doing our own thing now, and honestly, I’m completely okay with that. I don’t have any resentment about the friendship changing.
We also share a friend who we met in university. That friend was in my class, as we were doing the same degree, and I still talk to her occasionally since uni. All three of us used to be inseparable back then.
The friend I’ve known the longest shared with our mutual friend that she was getting married, told her the date and everything. Our mutual friend then mentioned the wedding date to me around April/May.
At some point afterwards, I messaged the girl getting married wishing her a happy holiday, but I deliberately didn’t mention knowing about the wedding. She didn’t bring it up either, which is completely fine. It’s her wedding and her choice who she tells or invites, and I’m not upset about it.
Now that the wedding is actually here, I’m wondering whether I should message her congratulations.
Part of me thinks, why not? I genuinely am happy for her, and I want to be the kind of person who can celebrate other people even when we’re no longer as close as we once were. I don’t want my decision to congratulate her to be dependent on whether she included me or told me personally.
At the same time, I’m wondering if it would be strange because, as far as she knows, I don’t know about the wedding.
Would you send a simple “Congratulations, wishing you both a lifetime of happiness” message, or would you just leave it alone since she never told you herself?
I’m genuinely not upset about the friendship changing or about not being told. I’m more interested in what people think is the natural and polite thing to do here.

Edit
Thanks you guys, for your reply. I totally understand your point, I definitely what to keep it respectful and not come off like I’m subtly begging to come, I don’t want that. I read what I wrote again, I should have put that the wedding happened yesterday. Would your answer change, leave it for a day I meet her in person?

Just had a random thought, when wife daughter and I are out with my mother and father the wait staff looks at me first for my order.

I nod them to my mother.

Not easy on them and would think to change up how we sit, but my father then nods to my wife or young daughter in a Z basically.

As the youngest male, I figure I order last.

I’d never order before my mother or my wife… right?

Also, USA if that maters and to be honest non of this is important. I’ve just been in my shop and this was a random thought while at the saw.

When we have good friends over and serve cheese and crackers, we don't worry too much about folks using their fingers to hold the cheese in place while they slice it. But what is the etiquette for first-time guests? For slicing bread, I know you leave a cloth napkin out for people to hold the bread with, but that seems a weird choice for cheese. Or am I totally overthinking this (entirely possible)?

Picture this, it's your anniversary and you show up to your bed and breakfast embarrassingly early. You go shopping and decide to pick up a pumpkin for them as a sort of make up gesture to place on their front porch. You're fiance says it won't be received like you would think, and that city folk don't appreciate that sort of thing. That it would be a waste of money. So you leave it confused, because you've never heard of such a thing. What do you think?

We’re flying internationally for a friend’s black tie wedding and just with plane tickets, hotel, rental car (needed since the after party is 50 min from the ceremony/reception 🥲), and attire we’re already $3,500 in on costs. They’re asking for contributions to their honeymoon in lieu of gifts, so it would be a cash gift. What’s the gift etiquette in this situation?

Hi everyone,

I often see the discussion of 'who should pay the bill on a date". A silly discussion if you ask me. I was raised with the rule that whoever invites pays, and if it is a group gathering we split. However, I also was taught to be independent and only go places I can afford and always count on paying. I also have the attitude of 'you got the tickets', "I will pay for x". So it feels fair. I do not like to feel like I am imposing or making plans with other people's money. I am more than happy to pay my share of the bill or even cover everything at times. I genuinely don’t mind.

That said, I have ran into a few awkward situations in the past during dates. I find it super odd when the bill is brought to the table and the guy doesnt react. What I was taught is that the bill is given to the man (in high class establishments), so that is why I expect them to look at it when it arrives. However a few things have happened in the last year with different dates.

- They don’t even look at the bill and act like it is not their business.

- I offer to share before they even say anything/look at it.

- They get offended when I offer to pay/split.

- They get annoyed when I don’t offer.

I genuinely do not know how to act at this point. I do not intend to sit there and argue about a bill. This should be the last thing to focus on when on a date. But I don’t know how to behave.

What are some classy and sophisticated ways to act, what to say and how to properly behave on these situations. I would really appreciate advice here.

This is not a discussion on who should pay. I want to learn how to behave in a polite, kind and considerate way towards the person who is with me to avoid giving the impression I am unwilling or arguing about the bill. Thank you and appreciate all your replies in advance.

Multiple members of my family (all different households in different parts of the country) are supposed to meet on Zoom with a religious leader (50s M) who will be officiating a wedding for us soon. The meeting is tomorrow night and as I’m writing this it’s 8 am the day before. The meeting was confirmed with myself and the officiant over email about a week ago, he said he would send a meeting link to me “later.”

My question is— do I follow up and ask him for the link this early? Do I wait? I need to email it to other people so they can join the call too. I know that sometimes meeting links get shared a minute or two before the meeting starts, and I don’t want to be annoying. But I’m not a frequent Zoom user, so just unsure what the current expectations are for link sharing. I’m obviously going to email and follow up sometime before tomorrow night, but looking for insight about how much time is respectful/normal to wait.

As I was sitting on the bus today, I noticed that the vent on the jacket worn a woman standing in front of me was still basted down. That's kind of an easy one because it's not really deeply personal, and I have politely mentioned it to people from time to time (not this time because it would have been a bit of a production to stand up and telll her quietly).

But what does one say to a man whose fly is open? If it's a stranger, I would generally leave it alone, but someone I like stopped by my desk recently and when we were chatting I noticed that his fly was open and on the fly I decided not to mention it so that he would eventually discover it by himself and be relieved to think that no one had seen it.

But what's the best strategy and what are the best words to use? I feel like there was some kind of code phrase that we used to say in elementary school that could make the mention funny rather than embarrassing, but I don't remember what it was.

My friend’s birthday is coming up, and he wants to go to an expensive Brazilian steakhouse. I’m currently struggling financially, so I told him I probably couldn’t afford to go.
Another guy in our friend group (we aren’t particularly close—we hang out in the same group but rarely talk or see each other) offered to pay for both the birthday friend and me so that I could come.
The thing is, I have a really hard time letting people pay for me. It’s not really pride, and I don’t think I’m “too good” to accept help. I feel a lot of shame and discomfort when someone spends money on me, especially when I know I’m struggling financially. I would probably feel uncomfortable the entire time knowing someone else paid for my meal.
I also don’t even have the guy’s contact information, so I can’t really thank him or talk to him directly. My birthday friend keeps insisting that I come and says the other guy is willing to pay for me.
So I’m torn between:
Accepting the offer and going to celebrate my friend’s birthday, even though I’d feel uncomfortable having someone pay for me.
Politely telling my friend that I really can’t afford the restaurant and sitting this one out.
What would most people do in this situation? Would you accept the offer, or would you decline and stay home? And would declining be rude or make me a bad friend?

I was standing in line for ice cream and the hiccups came. Then, the lady in front of me turned around and said, “excuse you”. She was pretty rude about it and I was embarrassed but the hiccups didn’t stop, so then it was just awkward.

I went to a lovely party the other night to my friend’s house. She has the greatest parties. She always has a signature cocktail and she’s just a really all-around great hostess so I brought hostess gift. My new thing now is bringing one or two bars of nice soap wrapped on a really pretty dish with a velvet ribbon wrapped around it. I saw someone on Instagram and I thought that was a great hostess gift. I was the only one that brought hostess gift. I’m wondering no one brings hostess gifts anymore.? Ps my grandmother used to say “when you go to someone’s house don’t have arms a dangling!

TL;DR: can we invite exactly who we want to our party? Or if we invite 1 cousin, should we invite all cousins on all sides?

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My partner (37M) and I (36F) got married in 2020 and had a COVID micro-wedding (under 20 people). It was nice, but I regret not doing the father/bride dance and not being able to invite more friends.

So, I recently thought, since we had an "unconventional" wedding, wouldn't it be fun/silly to have an "unconventional" anniversary party and celebrate our 7th year of marriage this coming summer (7's a lucky number, so why not)? Plus, a lot of our friends are scattered with kids now, so what a nice excuse to get everyone together, you know?

I'm drafting a guest list...and I'm getting stuck between the people we would actually want to invite (50-ish friends and family we've built/maintained over the last 7 years) ...and the people it feels like you're supposed to invite to these events (+50 relatives like your drunk uncle who never says anything nice, the step-cousins you only see at Xmas, etc.)

There's a lot of wedding guest list advice out there, but since this isn't a wedding, are the rules more lax? Can we simply invite who we want because it's "our party"? Is it an etiquette faux pas to invite 1 cousin and not the other? If we invite 1 couple's children, do we have to include all children? Help, what are the rules???

When people are atrociously late, talking super loud or speakers blasting in public places, car pulling into the bike lane, etc

What is your general delivery pattern?

This coming Friday there is a colleague of mine that is getting a surprise baby shower before she goes on maternity leave. Unfortunately I got an invite despite me not really knowing or ever talking to this person (she works in a different department).

The surprise baby shower is happening during the work day, at lunch time and the rest of my department is going. So not showing up at all is unfortunately not an option as it would definitely be noticed. And of course they did it during lunch so I can't even fake being busy.

I'm wondering if I need to get this person a gift.

If she was a friend I wouldn't be asking this, but I can count on my hands how many times I've talked to her since starting this job 3 years ago.

I don't really want to spend money on this... Money is tight. Is a gift absolutely required?

My best friend from college is visiting from out of state. I know work has been rough and money is tight for him lately.

I want to treat him to a nice steak dinner at this great local spot, just let him relax. But I know for a fact he'll insist on splitting it.

i really want to avoid that whole awkward fight over the check at the table. It's embarrassing and kind of kills the vibe.

So here's my half baked idea.

The restaurant uses a QR code online ordering system, MenuForma. My plan is to just order for both of us on my phone, put it all in one cart and pay for it right away. Then when the server says the bill is handled, I'll just act surprised and be like "Oh, must have been some promo on the app or something. Cool."

Will this work or is the 'acting surprised' part totally lame? Or does anyone have a better move?

Hello! Currently struggling as my partner and I are traveling to Europe for the first time and will be staying in a city which my co-worker has lived in for 60+ years. When we booked our tickets, I mentioned to the co-worker that we will be in the city for a few days and they told me not to book a hotel or anything. Basically, they bought a flat for their son to live in, but their son has moved in with his girlfriend so that flat is currently empty. I was told we could stay there and that it is close to the city, walkable to restaurants, right near public transportation and so on.

I'm 23M, and I'm not sure what the proper discourse is for a situation like this. It would save us roughly $1k USD (we would definitely take them out for a nice dinner as a thank you), but I don't want it to create a weird dynamic as I work closely with this co-worker. Of course, I am in the US so not literally close, but we work together on different projects/workstreams. Keep in mind our travel is around Christmas/NYE, so prices are the highest they'll be for any hotels/BnBs.

I asked my mentor and was told not to stay with the co-worker because we shouldn't have to worry about how clean to keep the place, or if something gets knocked over, etc. I agree, but my partner and I are very clean, respectful, and would likely just be using the place to crash while exploring all the city has to offer. Open to ANY recommendations, perspectives, or points of view on this subject. Thanks in advance all.

EDIT -

After reading your responses, it is clear we would be missing out on a great opportunity if we didn't take the offer. Thank you for the quick responses and wish you all a great week ahead!

I have a friend that I see about once a month. We usually go out for dinner, cocktails, wine bar, concerts, shows, etc. together. We always exchange birthday and Holiday gifts. We usually will meet around our separate birthdays, treat the birthday girl to her meal and give a gift. This year, we weren’t able to meet up on her birthday. By the time we do meet up, it will be a little over a month past her birthday. This year, she’s chosen to go have afternoon tea at a hotel/casino. This would normally be fine, but the tickets for the event are $150 each, which I think is a little steep. Dinner somewhere else would have cost me half the price of these tickets. I have also bought her nice necklace as a gift. My dilemma: Do I offer to pay for the tickets, since it was her birthday?

Saying “What?” sounds very rude to me. I have no idea why it was ever considered U, and I rather like “Pardon?”, but Nancy Mitford says that saying “Pardon” is one of the seven deadly sins, and that it immediately marks you as non-U.

I wonder whether “I beg your pardon?” sounds theatrical, or whether I should simply say “Sorry?”, “I’m sorry?”, or “Could you repeat that?”