r/etiquette • u/FishingEquivalent845 • 18d ago
Who orders first.
Just had a random thought, when wife daughter and I are out with my mother and father the wait staff looks at me first for my order.
I nod them to my mother.
Not easy on them and would think to change up how we sit, but my father then nods to my wife or young daughter in a Z basically.
As the youngest male, I figure I order last.
I’d never order before my mother or my wife… right?
Also, USA if that maters and to be honest non of this is important. I’ve just been in my shop and this was a random thought while at the saw.
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u/Evening_Culture_42 18d ago
Sometimes, if you're planning on paying for everyone's meals, it's nice to order first so everyone else can follow your lead. Sometimes as a guest, it's uncomfortable to know whether you're expected to skip appetizers, or just drink water. If the host goes first and orders themselves filet mignon, crabcake appetizer, and a glass of wine, you know what you're "allowed" to order. If the host orders first and chooses the cheapest thing on the menu, no sides, and water, then you have an indication that you should scale things back as well. I used to do this when I would treat my employees to coffee, I'd order a large specialty drink so they'd know it was OK to get one too - sometimes saying "order anything you want!" doesn't quite cut it.
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u/FishingEquivalent845 18d ago
I understand the idea, just never been in it.
Took a group out for my birthday with them thinking we would split the check and it was “I’m paying get whatever you want”.
There is a good Joe Rogan interview about this. It was after the fact and he basically said idgaf. He is also a half dozen zeros richer than me though.
I’m here for a good time not a long time.
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u/SplashnBlue 18d ago
We start with the first person that is willing to speak and then work clockwise or counter clockwise around the table. We certainly don't jump around based on age or gender. If separate checks we let the server dictate the order based on where they look after the first person orders - this way it's up to them if we go in circle order or by check.
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u/moinatx 18d ago
In our group the ones who have made up their mind orders first and the rest of us decide really fast.
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u/Elohims-sixth-wife 13d ago
This. Anything else is overthinking it. Person who decides what they want goes first, and then it usually goes in a circle.
The only exception I would make is in overly formal settings with bosses or coworkers. I’d let them order and not jump in, or wait to see if they’re ordering beverages, appetizers, etc. Same goes if I’m ordering with new friends.
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u/Summerisle7 18d ago
My understanding is that it’s supposed to be the oldest lady who’s served first. So, your mother is who should get her order taken first. Then they can just go around the table for everyone else’s order.
Most young waitstaff don’t know this anymore. They’re probably looking at you first bc you’re closest to their age. You’re correct to refer them to your mother first.
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u/titscapades 18d ago
You place your order in the order you are asked. Tables often have seat numbers, so seat number one at a table is the first order to be taken. That way whoever is running the food can understand where to put the plate.
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u/GladClock2212 18d ago
As a server for many years there is a way to write by seat number and still start with the eldest woman or the woman to the left of the eldest male then addressing guests clockwise. More casual restaurants can go by seat number because etiquette rules are more relaxed but it's a good skill to remember if the server wants to work in fine dining.
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u/titscapades 18d ago
Yes, but if the server starts with the non-oldest woman, that's who should order first.
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u/FishingEquivalent845 18d ago
But I have been asked first as the youngest of two males multiple times with 3 other females at the table.
I always nod to my mother.
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u/justmekab60 18d ago
The tables have numbered seats but the oldest female starts. She is entered under #3 (or whatever) and it's OK to then go around the table. Fine dining will zig zag, but a mid restaurant can go in a circle.
The POS system doesn't trump common sense and etiquette.
It's rude to ask the guy first. If your server doesn't know this, they are ignorant and should be taught.
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u/SusieQ4848 15d ago
I’m an old female. don’t take my order first. and don’t assume that my daughters will do all the housework and childcare.
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u/justmekab60 14d ago
Do you refuse to leave an elevator first, too?
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u/SusieQ4848 14d ago
of course not. I don’t refuse anything. I simply don’t expect or require it. the people standing in the front, closest to the door, should exit first. if women want full gender equity, we need to let go of old-school “etiquette.” and I’ve reached an age when any extra consideration I might enjoy should be more about my age and infirmity than my gender. if that doesn’t work for you then you do you.
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u/titscapades 14d ago
I hate it when men are standing closer to the door of the elevator and they still wave for me to get off first. Just get off!
If I'm nearest to the door, fine. Don't make me step around you for some antiquated ideal of etiquette. Also it makes me think they want to stare at my ass.
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u/titscapades 18d ago
Saying it's rude to ask the guy first is definitely a bridge too far for me.
Yikes.
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u/MagicianOdd4790 18d ago
Traditionally it would start with the eldest female. I think it reflects your good character to be aware of that!
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u/BrotherNatureNOLA 18d ago
You start with whoever the server picks and go clockwise from there. Why are you making a simple task unnecessarily difficult?
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u/Live-Anteater5706 18d ago
I have literally never thought about who orders first. It’s normally just whoever is closer to the server? It’s not like the order of placing an order impacts when the orders come out? I don’t understand this at all.
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u/Logicallylit_21 18d ago
🤔 Think holding the door open for the woman in your group. Also doesnt matter but it matters.
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u/travelbig2 18d ago
It’s rare, actually, that I encounter a server who doesn’t automatically go to the women first.
A little different for us because my in laws don’t really speak English so my husband will always look at me first (if the waiter doesn’t go to anyone first). I order for myself and the kids when they were younger but now they order their own food (I have a 17f and 11m), then my husband jumps in and orders for his mom, then his dad, then himself.
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u/FishingEquivalent845 18d ago
That makes sense. My grandfather was in town and we were a a bar/restaurant. He drinks corona, we don’t around here. So I asked for some samplers for him to try because he goes out and just orders a corona.
What are you having?
A Rainer
I’ll have that
You won’t like it, try one of these 4 pilsners.
He knows what burger he wants though that was east. He wants what ever is closest to an inn n out double double 😂
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u/Theabsoluteworst1289 18d ago
I think whoever is ready goes first. I tend to prefer to go last if possible, as I usually have a few options in mind and like to choose at the last minute. I don’t like being pushed to go first if I’m not ready just because I’m a woman / the oldest woman at the table lol.
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u/Zizi_Tennenbaum 18d ago
Most nice restaurants will ask the ladies first. More casual places will just frantically scan the table waiting for someone to pipe up lol. In my dining group the senior lady will take the lead and order first, then we go clockwise round the table to make it easier on the server.
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u/tonyabionda 18d ago
Much of this depends on how formal your dining experience is. Denny’s will not be the same as a Michelin-starred restaurant. Most of the time I would go with whoever the server indicates and then whoever they look at next. In a more formal setting, I usually defer to the host if they are paying, or the organizer if we are all chipping in as a way to show respect to the one paying or doing the work. The eldest lady is probably a throwback to when she was in charge of planning everything, but that’s not necessarily the case anymore.
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u/Unlikely_Cattle7212 18d ago
We do my daughter and children first, then any other woman next and last go the males. We don’t do that go around. Its females first.
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u/imollyq 17d ago
In the old days, the man would ask the women what they wanted to eat, and then tell the waiter what everybody's order was. Many nice restaurants still lean into this custom. I don't find it offensive, as a woman, because I'm getting what I want, and I don't mind if the man I'm with orders for me. Also in the old days a man would be handed a menu with prices on it and a woman would be handed a menu with no prices so she would feel comfortable ordering anything she wanted. That used to drive me crazy.
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u/Tanya3003 17d ago
My husband always says to the waitstaff " you can start with my wife" and show with his hand towards me, then he will let our daughter order last he will order. So if the staff look at you do the same with your Mom or Wife/girlfriend ect.
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u/Wooden_Employer_2287 17d ago
I was recently seated w 4 women/1 man, and 3 staff/owner visited our table. Every single one of them looked to the man w questions and ordering first. Couldn’t believe it.
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u/SVAuspicious 17d ago
I wrote a research paper in elementary school about the history of etiquette comparing and contrasting four editions each of Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt. I never recovered. As an adult I became acquainted with Judith Martin.
Equality and etiquette have never really sorted things out. Women first, eldest first. Then men eldest first. Host last. Exception is if you order appetizers or other dishes to share which host orders first. Server should look to the host for guidance, not to order first. YMMV.
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u/Responsible-Fly9976 17d ago
It used to be that correct etiquette was oldest woman. Sometimes, however, it's obvious who is 'in charge' or will be ordering group appetizers. This can be the case where there's a reservation service etc, or if someone just seems that way.
Another case is where there are parents with young kids - sometimes kids need their food/drinks ordered prior to everyone else.
I think these days servers are just looking at what they think will be most convenient to the parties.
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u/catsaway9 16d ago
I let the server lead. Wherever they want to start, and whatever order they want to proceed, so they can write it down in a way that makes sense to them. I figure the order's more likely to be correct that way. No need to stand on ceremony.
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u/SusieQ4848 15d ago
I used to work in an all-male field and often went to dinners where I was the only female at the table. I never knew the protocol for ordering alcohol at these things but I did know that I was going to be the first one asked, and if I ordered a drink, everyone else would too. I really don’t drink but I always ordered one. the guys appreciated that.
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u/SusieQ4848 15d ago
I’m an old female and a lot of folks are suggesting an etiquette of asking the oldest female first. but tbh - I’m a serious feminist and I’m willing to have things like ordering food go in whatever order makes sense. don’t assume that I order first; don’t assume that a guy gets the check!
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u/FishingEquivalent845 9d ago
Since forever my mom has paid. Unless it’s business my dad rarely carries his wallet, or phone for that matter.
There was a dinner out the he pulled out his card to pay and at 40 some years of age I think it was the first time I’d seen him pay for dinner. He also silently paid for the single mother with a couple kids next to us. It was a couple days before Christmas.
The money all came from him, he just wants to go out when he goes out.
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u/SusieQ4848 9d ago
I love that he paid for that single mom and that he doesn’t need to make a show of who pays. He sounds like a good man
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u/FishingEquivalent845 9d ago
He is an inspiration. Almost to a fault.
He has F U money. I don’t. But I still do what I can with me being inconvenienced monetarily . That’s a fault of mine. Every body eats before me. I’m fine with it but also I leave myself behind.
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u/SusieQ4848 9d ago
There are lots of people with money who aren’t observant, thoughtful or generous and then there are some of us(?) that go beyond to share. I hope you can do a little backtrack and pick yourself up and treat yourself with the kindness you show others. sounds like you deserve that.
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u/pdperson 8d ago
I'm torn and wonder if it depends on the setting - eldest women if it's family/a date/social, host if it's a business affair maybe?
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u/Careless-Ability-748 18d ago
Sometimes my husband orders first, sometimes I do. It's not something I care about.
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u/Electrical_Parfait64 18d ago
Never heard their was etiquette to ordering. Usually you just go in a circle, makes it easy to remember too. It wouldn’t be that weird if you wanted to let your parents go first, but then continue in a circle
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u/lokiandgoose 18d ago
The server is working, whoever they ask first goes first. They're writing the ticket and I want it to be as easy as possible for them. Otherwise, I speak up because I'm the mom and I have to pay attention to everyone else after me anyway.
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u/Aromatic-Prune-8484 18d ago
I am an adult who normally only goes out with other adults. If everybody isn’t ready to order, we wait until we all are then whoever is the hungriest goes first. I prefer to be last. But I really don’t care kids are different. I always made sure they ordered first. I think it takes the pressure of them to want to macaroni and cheese or the mini cheeseburgers. Tough decision kids. If you don’t decide in time, I will for you.
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u/WorriedTurnip6458 18d ago
Waiter guides it. They pick the first person ( may be some pattern at that particular restaurant, like person on the reservation or oldest female, or it may be the back left is always first) then circular. Going back and forth across the table because of some random hierarchy in your family is totally inefficient and confusing when the food comes out.
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u/CasperAverage 18d ago
My family always does whoever the waitstaff looks at first and then we go around the table in order. The only time we do something different is if it’s someone’s birthday (they order first then) or we are at a restaurant where we’re going to be sharing a bunch of things rather than all ordering individually, then I usually am the one to tell the waitstaff what food we would like.
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u/IDontLikeYourToan 18d ago
When I was a server at a nicer but not super fancy restaurant I would say, “Who would like to go first?”
Normally the table would gladly volunteer who they thought should go first for whatever reasons (Age, gender, guest of honor, client, etc…) from there, I’d pick whatever felt right in the moment. If it was obviously couples, I’d go to that persons partner next, then to the next couple, and so on. If one big family, probably by age.
If nobody spoke, I’d ask if they need more time or if they would like some suggestions. If there was still no response, I’d say “I’ll give you some more time.”
When I came back, I asked again. Once again, if nobody spoke, I’d pick whoever made eye contact or at least seemed like they knew what they wanted. From there, eye contact all the way. Whoever was ready, they order next.
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u/RRR-Mimi-3611 18d ago
When we go out (very indecisive family who can only decide when on the spot) it’s whoever can make the quickest decision. Then the rest of us are under the gun and are forced to decide. The hell with age and sex
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u/everydayimsarcastic 18d ago
I've never heard of etiquette on who orders first. Whoever is ready first just orders first.
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u/OkPickle2474 18d ago
Server here, Midwest US, casual restaurant. But I am over 40.
For a small party I usually go oldest to youngest women, then oldest to youngest men, unless the women defer to someone else. If it’s a large group I go in order around the table. If there are young kids I ask parents if they’d like to order their dinners with appetizers.
Seat numbers really shouldn’t interfere with this. A decent server can keep that information organized themselves.