My friends (brothers in their 20s and 30s) have a mom with what I’m sure is a combination of personality disorder and psychiatric disorder so naturally they grew up in a household with friction. Younger child has OCD. Older child has an addictive personality, first it was marijuana addiction now it’s a gambling addiction. Gambling is not something anyone can keep up with. He’s getting psychiatric help and his gambling accounts are being shut down. But genuinely curious, how do addicts get through life and find success?

Yesterday I told my spouse how I feel, how his gambling debt makes me feel, I even made him read something I wrote in hopes that he will understand how his actions have hurt me.

No remorse, no apology, he just sat there, didnt even look at me. How do you see someone crying and feel nothing.

I asked for space, all he said was well what kind of space do I need. And now it seems as if he's upset with me?!

I feel totally devastated, and deeply hurt. I don't know if i can forgive or rebuild from here. Not with someone who doesn't care about me, or our child.

Am I missing something

Last year October my husband told me he has incurred a large amount of debt (approx 2 million ZAR) debt incurred over 3 years, and we need to go under debt review and consolidation.

I was absolutely shocked, but at the time I said I will support him emotionally and forgave him for keeping it from me, and I thought it would be manageable since it didnt look like such a big life adjustment, he did show me some calculations on how the money would be handled and we will still have some left over for basic day to day necessities.

I am unemployed, left work when our child was born 3 years ago, so I don't have much expenses, but completely dependent on him.

My husband took care of everything financially, even when I was working, he earned 3x my salary so I didn't contribute much to household expenses. But I did have medical aid cover for myself and child, which i was still covering for 2 years after leaving work.

He has since taken over medical aid for a year now, since starting a better paying job.

However in August this year, he stopped our medical aid without asking or telling me. He said it was because the debt consultant company increased the monthly payment, and he couldn't afford medical aid anymore.

But will reapply in December this year when he gets salary increase.

I was devastated; we were trying for a second child for 6 months already, but now I decided that without medical aid, i cannot fall pregnant now, I don't want to use public health care because im high risk (age and prior pregnancy complications), the fact that I can't have a baby now has really broken my heart, but I have since made peace (somewhat) with the fact that I cannot have another child, in these circumstances, the instability and stress is not fair on a child and myself.

I have been feeling alot of resentment towards my husband which im trying not to show, because I don't want him to feel stressed and push him to a relapse.

I have been trying to decide what to do next to protect myself and child, im trying to get a job so atleast I can afford medical aid for my child and I, in that way I know it's not at risk off cutting off suddenly.

I also do not want to help pay of any debt my husband incurred whilst gambling, I feel it's unfair for me to pay for something that was hidden from me.

My husband says he has everything under control and doesn't need help regarding the gambling, he also did not hand over financial control to me, I don't think he will. I do not know if I trust him, I feel very unstable.

He also has not told anyone, both our families do not know, this has made me feel isolated and stressed, i really wish I had the support of my family, i am contemplating confiding in my parents.

My husband is very withdrawn lately, he hardly talks to me or our child, he sleeps and naps most of time, when he's awake he's always watching tv or on his phone. He doesn't tell me anything. I also do not want to push him in a corner in fear he might relapse.

I am so stressed, im thinking about leaving with my child, just to avoid a complete fall out, i just want to keep my child stable and away from the stress. But I also worry about it affecting us negatively, especially my child.

What should I do? Any advice is much appreciated!

Not Mormon myself, but I grew up in Mormon country, and I just saw that the Mormon church came out HARD against all forms of gambling & especially sports betting & prediction markets. WOW. The speech completely blew my mind. It captures everything I'd want someone to say about this episdemic. Glad that a major religious institution is taking this seriously. I've linked the video in case you want to watch it.

I just finished Madeline Miller's new book Mestra -- and the entire time I was like "WOW, this is EXACTLY what it's like to be married to / in a relationship with a gambler." I know it might sound like a stretch based on the book description, but I've never read a fictional story that so closely paralleled my own experience. It's a short 65 pages if you're intrigued.

Last week, my partner (34M) of 10 years told me (30F) that he has a serious gambling addiction and kept it a secret for almost 2 years. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I genuinely did not see it coming.

At first, I think I was mostly in shock and needed a few hours to even process what he had told me. Then it completely devastated me.
He had first struggled with gambling about three years ago, and at the time, I encouraged him to see a therapist who specialized in addiction before things got worse. It wasn’t huge at that time, but definitely saw some red flag enough to tell him to consult, which he did and started seeing a therapist, so I thought he was working on the problem, but he was probably avoiding the subject all this time. But he stopped gambling when he saw me crying when I first discovered, at that time.

This time, things have gotten much worse. He is now heavily in debt (-30,000$).
Thankfully, his debt doesn’t directly affect me financially because we don’t own anything together and have always kept our finances very independent. But emotionally, this has affected me more than I could have imagined.

When he first told me, I almost felt like I didn’t recognize him. I couldn’t reconcile the person I have known and loved for ten years with the person I was suddenly imagining living this secret life. I hadn’t been worried because, as far as I knew, he was seeing a therapist and dealing with his issues. In my mind, everything was okay.

Now that I know the truth, I’ve spent the past week overthinking and questioning everything. I’m looking back at the last few years, and suddenly so many things seem to make sense.
There have been other addiction-related issues in the past. Years ago, he struggled with cocaine. He eventually stopped on his own after I told him I would leave if he used again. His relationship with alcohol has also always been somewhat problematic. Looking back now, I can’t help but wonder whether he has been moving from one addiction to another as a coping mechanism all these years.

Some days, I can look at the situation rationally. I understand that his addiction isn’t about me, that this is his battle and his responsibility.

Other days, my negative thoughts completely take over. I feel guilty. I wonder how I didn’t see it. I wonder whether I failed him somehow. For the past couple of years, there was this little voice in the back of my mind telling me that something wasn’t right, and I kept trying to silence it. Now I realize that maybe I was picking up on something all along.
At the same time, I know I couldn’t have known what he wasn’t telling me.

And I think one of the hardest parts for me isn’t even the gambling itself. It’s the lying and hiding. That has hurt me tremendously. I suddenly don’t feel emotionally safe in the same way I did before. I have the impression that he can lie to me at any time.

Since finding out, I’ve been struggling to sleep. I wasn’t able to work this week. It has also reopened some old wounds because addiction has affected several people in my family, so I’ve witnessed what addiction can do in some ways.
Because of my family background and a traumatic childhood, I always thought that I would be the one who would end up the most “messed up” later in life. That I would be the one more prone to developing an addiction. This situation is making me realize how much more complicated trauma, coping mechanisms and addictions really are, and that what we experience growing up doesn’t simply determine the adults we become.

There is one very positive part to all of this: he has acknowledged that he has a problem.

He told me. He told his family, his therapist, his friends and his employer. He has already reached out to an addiction counsellor and is taking steps toward entering treatment. I’m genuinely proud of him for finally admitting how serious this has become and for asking for help. I know that isn’t easy.

But even though those steps give me hope, they don’t erase what I’m feeling right now.
I’m experiencing such a strange mix of emotions: disappointment, anger, frustration, pride, gratitude, sadness, guilt, emotional insecurity and an overwhelming amount of stress.
I’m trying to understand how to support someone I love through recovery without losing myself in the process. I’m also trying to figure out how you rebuild trust after realizing that such a significant part of your partner’s life was being hidden from you.

For those of you who have been the partner of someone struggling with gambling: what helped you get through the early days after finding out?
How did you deal with the overthinking and the loss of trust?
And if you stayed in the relationship, what helped you eventually feel emotionally safe again?

I would really appreciate hearing from you guys who have been on either side of this. Right now, I think I mostly need to know that what I’m feeling is normal and hear from people who understand what this is like.

Thank you (and sorry for this huge text),

Hi all,

I’m new to this group but needing some advice of reassurance.

Me and my fiancé are both 31 and he’s had a gambling addiction for years to say the least amongst other addictions.

I’m not going to go into details simply because I’m that exhausted from him I just don’t have the energy to name every single things he’s done to hurt me and our young 3 children.

My wages goes on bills for the house. His wage goes in the family to live off for the month. He got paid Friday, it’s gone.

Told me he got “emergency taxed” at first so told him to show me his payslip and asked him why he never told me it when he got paid. Refuses to show me his payslip and said he can’t access his payslip.

So I said well how do you know you’ve got emergency taxed if you can’t access it.

We had back and forths, me asking is he gambling again, him compulsively lying making out as if I’m going mad. Eventually he tells me he has. So I said how much are we left with, his reply “nothing”.
No remorse
No guilt
No nothing

We haven’t even done a food shop yet.
He’s left us with nothing, we have no food in the house, we have 3 children, no petrol in my car. Yet no remorse for what he’s done.

I called his mum and found out he’s been asking her for money saying it’s for me. (Which she sent him) I’ve not seen a penny.

Also found out she gave him £1300 before we went on holiday in July as he gambled all of our holidays savings. I’ve only just found out today.

I’m at my wits end, I’m furious. I’m hurt. I’m upset how he can treat me and the girls like that like we are nothing to him.
I care about him and love him yet it doesn’t seem to be reciprocated.

His mum doesn’t want anything to do with him now, she told me he’s always been the same a complete compulsive liar and manipulator , he’s selfish.

His dad didn’t spend much time with him growing up and his dad seems to be the only person he respects and listens to. Always makes an effort for his dad but he keeps all his little secrets from him because he’s “embarrassed”

Well now his dad knows and is apparently going to get him “help”

I haven’t spoken to him all day. Then he texts me trying to end our relationship and basically walk away from his family OVER TEXT. Says I’m the reason he’s “acting up” and he needs to be alone and sort himself out. Basically blames me, I don’t do a foot wrong to him, I do everything for him and our children, yet I’m the one causing him to gamble? He never stopped and was doing this way before we got together.

I’m just venting now, but I’m at my wits end. I want to walk away as I don’t think he has it in him to change, I’ve heard the I’ll get help, I’ll not do it anymore, I’ll stop excuse 1million times over.

I just want to feel like I’m not alone and if someone who has an addictive personality can change?

Any reassurance would be helpful 🙏🥺

If I’m being honest I (18F) am considering leaving my (19M) boyfriend we have been together for 3 years. We moved in together for university and he waited to tell me until we were moved in and unpacked that he had gambled away all of his money (after we signed the lease agreement) luckily his parents were super supportive and told me I don’t have to feel obligated to stay (I did I just moved far away from my home I have nowhere else to go and a unstable family life) I have been trying so hard to make things work and be the best I can for him I’ve been supportive and loving and telling him I’m not going anywhere even when he was crying on the floor telling me I should just leave. I have taken on all the finances and it’s been stressful I feel like I have nothing and nobody and nowhere to escape to. I don’t want to tell anyone about his addiction he’s ashamed of it but I need to vent. But I’ve been trying to get him to talk to me like deeply and stuff and he said “he doesn’t talk about that kind of stuff” and I guess I’ve been angry he’s lied to me for months about money and asking for money telling me his e-transfer doesn’t work or he’s just waiting for a check and has gotten angry at me for “wasting his money” meanwhile he’s thrown thousands of dollars in to gambling. I just feel like I can’t trust him and it’s been causing me to not talk about my feelings either because why bother. I just feel like I’m owed a heart to heart conversation.

Backstory:
My husband (33M) told me (32F) on Friday that he has a sports gambling addiction that's been going on since before we met. We've been together for 7 years and will be married for 1 year in November. So much has happened this year with our dog becoming paralyzed; luckily, she can walk a little now, but we have to carry her up and down the stairs, my sister passing away from cancer, and me starting back at school full time and working full time. I've been extremely stressed and honestly still grieving. We live in an upstairs apartment. I've been begging him and telling him I'm at my breaking point, and I want to rent a single story home or a downstairs unit with a washer and dryer so it's easier for me to do chores and care for our dog because going up and down the stairs is a lot for me, and for months she was incontinent.
But he dragged me along with so many lies. (One being that he had identity fraud, which caused his accounts to be frozen, and he was meeting with Social Security to get a new Social, pushing it months and months back) I gave him one of my credit cards to use in the meantime, and he was racking up $ 1,500 a month, and I've been paying it. I'm very good with money and don't live above my means, so when he was doing that, I was cutting back on certain things. We've been saving for a new build home, and he's been in charge of our retirement, savings, and paying rent. I pay for everything else; I trusted him 100%. He told me he was putting our extra funds into savings and maxing out our retirement, so we decided to put everything through his work(family business) because they offer a 100% match. So he says. Still finding out, as the days go by, more shitty news. So far, our savings have been depleted, and he hasn't been putting the max into retirement; he only has 2k in it.

My feelings:
Honestly, I want to leave so bad. But I'm going to try because I know it's a sickness. I lost all trust in him. He saw me struggling and busting my ass while he was gambling away around 3-5k a month and sometimes more. The pain I feel is so bad my heart has ached every single day since he told me, and I have these bursts of tears and dread throughout the day. I've had many bad things happen in my life, and I finally felt secure; this new information has made me feel a way I've never felt. This type of sadness, betrayal, and hate. I want to run away and be by myself. My dream of a future with him feels extremely blurry, and we were trying for a baby
Something I've wanted so badly with him, but that's changed. I don't want a baby with him anymore and honestly ever.

The plan:
I told him he has to pay off the debt in a year; he's at $57k. I'm taking over all of his accounts, and I will send him the funds to pay for all his debt and bills. He is starting GA and had his first meeting Saturday. We currently have our finances separated. I need to know whether I should open a joint account so I can take full control of his finances. I'm worried that if I do, it'll link all that debt to me, but I feel like I need access. I don't want him to have access to my money either. Any advice that I haven't thought about, please feel free to share.

Hi. My (27F) bf (25M) of nearly 6 years told me last october that he has a gambling addiction. I have stuck with him and had taken over 85% of the finances. However, the last couple of months things just....weren't adding up. Literally.

We gave each other blanket permission to go through each other's phones, we know each other's passwords and such. I trusted him. But something wasnt right and I knew it.

I checked his bank account and saw he was negative over 500$. I checked the transactions and saw 2 for a casino nearby, and at least 20 others from online betting. I cried. It was 6am. I woke him up and we talked.

Days later, he came to me and told me he hadn't been truthful about something else.

Context: He's been physically disabled from a work injury for 3 years now. He gets disability bc of some BS about workers comp. (Something that is 100% legit, I've been privy to those discussions for a while, its a mess.)

He told me that 2 months ago, his disability check went up a grand. And suddenly, with the context of the first 1k....and the two months of extra disability he wasnt sharing....it all made sense where that money came from that he gambled away.

I work. I work 50-60 hours a week to support us, because his mistakes have put us both in debt. He filed for bankruptcy. My debt is much smaller, so I chose to eat it and solve the problem myself by paying it down. But I have been struggling to buy our groceries and cover our bills, let alone pay down my debts, and he was pissing away thousands of dollars??

I now have 100% control of our finances. He uses a joint card so I can see every time its used. I manage the bills and all income. This was what I wanted, but he 100% agreed to it without me trying to guilt him into it. Our money will be safe, and we will be safe. We have no loans sharks or anything up our asses, so we will be okay.

Im so angry. Im so upset. I feel so betrayed.

I love him dearly. I dont want to leave him. I want to help him and guide him toward resources to help himself. I just wish none of this had even happened. Im sitting in the bathtub crying on a friday night because of the choices he made.

My heart hurts. Sometimes im okay, and we're okay, and other times I look at him and just feel so much betrayal. Its so fucked. I dont know what to do. All I do is work so we can live comfortably. And I feel so bitter every time I go to work now, this past week.

Hello! Im a 24f and my boyfriend 23m has a bad gambling addiction. I was naive and didn’t realize the full extent of how bad it was until very recently. Before we got together he had gotten evicted and had his car repossessed because of his gambling, he told me he was better. I pay all the bills since he lead me on to believe he was paying his debt, which I was willing to do to benefit us in the long run. Well I looked through his phone(not great on me i know) and saw that literally most of every paycheck was gambling. I want to be so mad. I am so mad and feel betrayed but I know its an addiction. Ive been checking his bank accounts every night now and he is still going behind my back and spending HUNDREDS everyday. Money is getting tight and we were almost evicted from our last place since it’s hard to hold up everything myself. I got a way better paying job since but it takes a huge toll on my mental health. I dont want to work myself to death from this. I signed him up for a few therapy consultations but he doesn’t have the attitude that he wants to change and it scares me. Sorry this turned into more of a dump, i have no one i feel like I can talk to about it all. I would love to hear what helped
Thank you:)

Hi everyone. I’m struggling right now. Really kinda all day.

I found out my husband is a gambling addict 2 months ago. My world was flipped upside down. It apparently started 3 years ago and he kept up the most intricate lie over those years. He feels deep shame and has been sober since I found out. I decided I want to work on things and we have been doing so since.

But this weekend I’ve been struggling. I go through these emotional rollercoasters where I feel like I’m stuck. The amount of money he is in debt will take YEARS for him to pay off (it’s all on him-I separated my finances once I found out and I manage the bills and take part of his paycheck to help cover what I can’t). He’s been working with Achieve, which does seem to be very reputable, but they told him he can get everything paid off within the next 5 years. Mathematically, though, I don’t see how that’s possible. I’m think at least 12-13. It makes me sick to think about what all of this money could’ve gone towards, especially because I’ve always been very frugal and financially conservative. I am so tired, so exhausted, of all of this shit. I’ve been through some shit in my life but I have never been this mentally drained before.

Recently my husband has said he lost trust in me and he has started to turn to gambling as a form of coping and avoiding me and our problems. All of a sudden he says he decided that he doesn't like me for me and that I need to change so I try, but when I asked him to change then he starts gambling more.

Recently he has been letting his phone die not answering my calls not telling me where he is gone all hours of the night all hours of the day and searching off his responsibilities and just being a husband and spending time with his wife he's not doing and he says it is because he doesn't want to be around me and that is why he gambles and when I asked him to come home he says yes and then he does not and says it's because I'm going to fight with him when he comes home. This was not the reality of the situation I was waiting at home happily for him to come home and happy that he was alive and okay as I was worried that he didn't contact me for 18 hours prior. I was just happy that he was going to be home but he never came home and then he says it is my fault that I'm going to argue with him and then that he's not done gambling yet and that he's really going to ignore me now since I thought he was ignoring me when his phone so called died all night.

My question is is he using my actions as an excuse to get away with a gambling or as an excuse to start gambling again? Is any of this really my fault at all or is he making a problem so that he can run away to gamble and making me feel ashamed about it so that I am not angry with his gambling.

And has anyone else had this problem of their boyfriend or husband or girlfriend or wife avoiding them and ignoring them and leaving just to gamble and then blaming it on their partner instead of themself?

And my other question is does anybody have any advice on what I do in this situation to get him to come home and spend time with me instead of gambling?

I really love this man and I want to do what I can to fix things and I didn't want to ask him to give up his gambling before because it made him happy but now it's got to the point that he's ignoring me and lying to me and avoiding me and blaming it on me and I just don't know what to do.

I found out because a realtor came to our door. I am completely blindsided and don’t know what to do. My fiance (36M) bought our house 3 years ago, and I’ve lived here for 2. Thankfully my name isn’t on anything so legally I’m in the clear. But I am just so devastated to loose the life I thought I had. He has always been such a loving, funny, caring man that has treated me like a princess. The fucked up thing is we weren’t even struggling. Like yeah saving for a wedding can be stressful but we had until next October.

We owe almost 17k to keep the house (we have until sept 18). He has taken the money I and his brother (he lives with us) for the bills and just gambled it all away.

I have been stuck in bed unable to move. All I can do is cry.

Someone please tell me it gets better. Please tell me he can get help. As angry as I am I don’t want to loose him. I just hate that I wasn’t given the option to choose.

My story is not unique. I’ve read dozens of posts with similar experiences. But I’m so hopeless right now and I’m looking for guidance/support.

I’m just now getting truly educated on how horrific gambling addiction is. I’m scared for my children to inherit the gene, to eventually learn what their father is dealing with.

My question - Do I treat this like any other disease?? In sickness and in health?? How can I devastate my kids lives by getting divorced? Losing our home that we love and worked so hard to create?

Long story long - I’ve been married for 10 years, have two young children. If I didn’t have kids that absolutely love, adore and admire their dad I would separate/divorce no questions asked.

I grew up with a father that always said the worst thing you can be is a liar, an addict or a mean person. I had zero experience with addiction aside from a cousin who was an alcoholic.

Before getting married my boyfriend told me about a past issue with gambling when he was much younger, said his parents bailed him out - that scared the shit out of me but I knew him to be financially responsible and had no reason to think he was gambling. FF a few years, married, bought a house, he tells me he won some money I said cool but it makes me uncomfortable please don’t do it, says it NBD. FF a few years, now we have two kids one is a newborn, I see on his phone some gambling notification while he’s showing me a picture I confront, says it’s NBD, just a pass time but will stop - nothing in our finances to signal an issue. FF two years, catch gambling on his phone again not by snooping, I lose my shit and tell him he needs to see a therapist and for us couples counseling. At this point I’m still not educated on how bad an addiction gambling is and nothing in our finances points to major spending - in hindsight huge red flag. Crazyyyy that I didn’t dig deeper like wtf! I feel so stupid.

Eventually gained trust back, FF two years catch gambling on his phone again while he’s showing me something, initially lies then admits he’s lost thousands of dollars on personal loans, dipped into 401k and our savings - I had stopped checking closely since nothing had been concerning and I would check in with periodically on how he was feeling and if anything triggered him. I TRUSTED him (like a fool). This whole time we both work full time with good paying jobs, he’s great at work and a great dad. Luckily still have comfortable amount in savings and retirement accounts that will be protected going forward. And he makes more $ than I do so that adds to the complexity of the situation for my kids.

It’s NOT just about the money (although that part pisses me TF off). It’s the loss of trust, the fear that this could happen again, scared for my kids financial safety in the future, the lost sense of self, I’ll never be the same person again even if we reconcile. Am I supposed to take on a caregiver role?? This feels like a life sentence.

He’s doing all the “right things” GA 3x a week, therapy, self excluded, journaling, is remorseful, has apologized, taking accountability. I’ve taken control of most finances but he still needs access to a cc and cash for work.

I DONT WANT TO DO THIS. I’ve never even snooped on his phone our entire relationship because I don’t want to live like that. How am I supposed to now be vigilant at all times and live like this forever???

Can anyone relate? How do you rebuild trust without deep resentment for the deep deep pain and financial set backs? Rebuild trust with a professional liar? Manage guilt of leaving them on their own to deal with this horrible disease?? I’m so lost.

Is there something I can do to support my partner? I’m planning on leaving him tho. I just have to support him so he won’t gamble out children’s money. You see he’s cheated on me multiple times too so I’m not really leaving him bec of gambling.

Hi everyone.

On July 9, I found out my husband has had a gambling addiction for the last 3 years. TLDR: 8 years I found out he had a spending addiction and was in CC debt. Starting 3 years ago he began elaborately lying to me about CCs I was seeing in his credit report and I stupidly believed him (or chose to believe him, idk). On July 9, I found out about the lies and he admitted he had gone from a spending addiction to a gambling addiction. He was $39,000 in debt.

He’s been doing all the right things-therapy, GA meetings, deleted apps, whatever. He’s working with Achieve to negotiate with the CC and loan companies to hopefully bring down the amount owed. But in the meantime he’s not making the monthly payments while Achieve negotiates.

I just checked his credit report again and it says his total debt is now $74,413. I can’t see card activity to see if it’s from more $ going on the cards or if the missed payments is racking up interest so high that his debt nearly doubled in 6 weeks. I can see that there are no new accounts. The highest amounts of debt are from loans so maybe it’s the interest in those? Idk…I’m sick right now

What do I do??

Edit: I had miscalculated his total debt back in July. Somehow didn’t add in the loans he took out.