Help pls

[u/Ok-Pen-3947]

Hi all,

I’m new to this group but needing some advice of reassurance.

Me and my fiancé are both 31 and he’s had a gambling addiction for years to say the least amongst other addictions.

I’m not going to go into details simply because I’m that exhausted from him I just don’t have the energy to name every single things he’s done to hurt me and our young 3 children.

My wages goes on bills for the house. His wage goes in the family to live off for the month. He got paid Friday, it’s gone.

Told me he got “emergency taxed” at first so told him to show me his payslip and asked him why he never told me it when he got paid. Refuses to show me his payslip and said he can’t access his payslip.

So I said well how do you know you’ve got emergency taxed if you can’t access it.

We had back and forths, me asking is he gambling again, him compulsively lying making out as if I’m going mad. Eventually he tells me he has. So I said how much are we left with, his reply “nothing”.
No remorse
No guilt
No nothing

We haven’t even done a food shop yet.
He’s left us with nothing, we have no food in the house, we have 3 children, no petrol in my car. Yet no remorse for what he’s done.

I called his mum and found out he’s been asking her for money saying it’s for me. (Which she sent him) I’ve not seen a penny.

Also found out she gave him £1300 before we went on holiday in July as he gambled all of our holidays savings. I’ve only just found out today.

I’m at my wits end, I’m furious. I’m hurt. I’m upset how he can treat me and the girls like that like we are nothing to him.
I care about him and love him yet it doesn’t seem to be reciprocated.

His mum doesn’t want anything to do with him now, she told me he’s always been the same a complete compulsive liar and manipulator , he’s selfish.

His dad didn’t spend much time with him growing up and his dad seems to be the only person he respects and listens to. Always makes an effort for his dad but he keeps all his little secrets from him because he’s “embarrassed”

Well now his dad knows and is apparently going to get him “help”

I haven’t spoken to him all day. Then he texts me trying to end our relationship and basically walk away from his family OVER TEXT. Says I’m the reason he’s “acting up” and he needs to be alone and sort himself out. Basically blames me, I don’t do a foot wrong to him, I do everything for him and our children, yet I’m the one causing him to gamble? He never stopped and was doing this way before we got together.

I’m just venting now, but I’m at my wits end. I want to walk away as I don’t think he has it in him to change, I’ve heard the I’ll get help, I’ll not do it anymore, I’ll stop excuse 1million times over.

I just want to feel like I’m not alone and if someone who has an addictive personality can change?

Any reassurance would be helpful 🙏🥺

[u/WifeOfGambler]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I know this story intimately, as most of us probably do. Lies, cons, selfishness, and refusing to take responsibility. They dig a hole that we need to pull ourselves out of with no help from them. It's bullshit.

You ask a few questions in your post, but to me, it seems like you are really asking one question.

Yes, you will be better off alone. Kick him out, change the locks, go stay with family. You did not do this to him. HE did this to YOU AND YOUR KIDS. If you are separated you can get a child support order that comes directly out of those paychecks he won't show you. Since he's not helping now, he is literally more help being gone (or dead, but we don't condone that kind of behaviour).

Take it from a middle-aged woman going through something similar (though my husband is grovelling for my forgiveness, as he should be), there is so much more life and happiness for you and your girls far away from his poison.

You are not alone. ❤️

[u/forestwanderlust]

My ex also has a dual cocaine and gambling problem. I went to both Naranon and Gamanon for support. I'm convinced he used gambling to cover up the cocaine spending but I have no doubt both are a problem. I truly recommend taking it one day at a time and go to meetings for support.