I wish I was a woman

[u/SlothSoep]

I realise this is an unhinged rant, sorry. I just want to scream into the void.

I hate being a man, despite how good it is. I have never been mistreated because of my gender. And yet I can't keep staring across the grass on the other side.

I will never experience sisterhood. As a man, I'll never have an equal friendship with a woman. I'll always be a male friend at best or a potential danger at worst. I look in the mirror and I see a monster, knowing the harm people who look and sound like me inflict on others. And, vain as it sounds, I wish I was beautiful and confident like women. I hate being grouped with men, I hate being addressed as "sir", "son", "gentleman", etc. I hate everything being so damn gendered, despite the benefits it offers me. I wish we were just all grey blobs. I don't relate to other men, I don't feel kinship or brotherhood, if that even exists. I hate misandry, but when I think of myself, I think very ugly and shameful things of men.

And on top of that, I feel guilty for having these thoughts. For example, that sisterhood I envy is a defence mechanism against patriarchy and the abuse of men like me. Or I'll look at women in public and feel envious, wishing I could look like and befriend them, but then feel terrible cuz I'm creeping. I'm fetishising womanhood.

I first had these thoughts roughly 5 years ago when I was a depressed student. I had a lot on my plate back then so I figured I'd either figure it out by the time I graduated or I'd be dead. Things looked up after I graduated, but since my dad died last year, it's only gotten worse. I think about this daily and many post on my feed make me sad.

And yes, I know transgender people exist. I wish I was transgender, but I'm not. I don't have a woman's soul like transgender women do. I never felt like a girl when I was young, nor have I ever crossdressed. I have masculine tastes, hobbies, and mannerisms. I know I'm a man, I just wish I wasn't. Moreover, I'm hairy, have masculine features, and have a very deep voice. I'd just end up looking like a man in a dress and no one would accept or respect me. Plus I'm nearly 30. I'm too old to change any of that now.

I also know non-binary people exist, but, again, I know I unfortunately possess a man's soul. And if I am non-binary, I would just present as and be treated like a man by everyone anyway. My family and work would never accept me as a woman and they definitely would not accept me as non-binary.

In short, I hate being a man and knowing I cannot change that. Despite knowing my life would be worse as a woman, I can't shake the envy. And then I feel like a fetishistic weirdo for having that envy. I wish I could accept and be grateful of the gender I got.

Dinner is kapsalon (Dutch fastfood dish with döner kebab, chips, cheese, and veggies).

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[u/Sad_Cup_8012]

It sounds like you need to get off the internet for a while and stop watching the news. You cant let what others do or think have such a strong reaction about your own image.

[u/SuburbaniteMermaid → u/Sad_Cup_8012]

And while he's off the internet, get a therapist and work on his grief and other issues.

[u/GingerMarquis → u/Sad_Cup_8012]

Seconded. Living off everyone else’s negativity is like a cancer in your soul.

[u/Natural_Artichoke_88 → u/GingerMarquis]

You're saying like this is... a... CANCER OF THE SOUL!!! iykyk

[u/No-Insurance-5688]

If it makes you feel better, I'm a woman and wouldn't say I've experienced that "sisterhood feeling", and used to feel jealous of what seemed like the easy friendships of men. So yeah to say I get it, I think it really is just grass is greener, and that concepts of "fraternity" or "sisterhood" etc. are actually idealistic that don't apply cleanly to real life relations. We are all just sufferers of this world in our little flesh sacks on the spectrum of humanity. I think the gender wars stuff is getting pushed HEAVY right now for the election, I'm getting it too.

[u/Human_Revolution357 → u/No-Insurance-5688]

I’m a woman who is lucky enough to have that feeling with many of my friends… but there are also a bunch of men included in that, it isn’t limited to other women. Men can be (and have) amazing friends.

[u/-sly1 → u/No-Insurance-5688]

Thank goodness I’m not the only one here. I’m 32F and this “sisterhood” bullshit is weird to me? (I’ve seen it mentioned online a few times) The closest women that I know are my sister and my mom. Sure, I have acquaintances that are women, but I have male centered hobbies generally so I have more friends that are men. All my closest friends are men. Being a certain gender doesn’t allow you access to the same the way movies or shows portray them. I grew up never having a girls sleepover or anything of the sort.

OP I think you need to speak to a therapist about how you’re feeling or atleast ask yourself why you feel the way that you do. The grass is only green if you water it, and if you want to change yourself, then do so. We only have one life to live anyways. Make the most out of what you want with it

[u/Various_Cat1763 → u/-sly1]

The sisterhood thing is weird lol

[u/ItsHanzyy]

Buddy. This ain’t something Reddit can help with. Seek professional help and take a break from the internet

[u/Business_Sherbet8737]

Hey dude, you’re experiencing text book dysphoria.

It doesn’t necessarily mean you are trans or NB, I really reccomend talking to a therapist about it. You are clearly very thoughtful on the topic.

And also if you like the idea of dressing as a woman fuck around with it in your free time. Drag is a thing. It’s fine for you to explore whatever you want. Tune out the bullshit on both sides when it comes to this and focus on yourself, what is authentic to you and how you want to express. There arnt wrong answers as long as you arnt hurting yourself. I think the search to define all this so rigidly has really erased the part of it that can be beautiful, undefined and nebulous.

[u/risky__cake → u/Business_Sherbet8737]

Yeah no this is exactly what it feels like. I'm transmasc and I hated being a woman and I did not understand why trans women would choose the bullshit I hated when they'd won the lottery by virtue of their birth.

And now I get it. And I feel stupid for ever thinking that transphobic thought.

But I'm the same. I have a feminine frame, feminine tastes, feminine style and for a long time that really threw me off because I thought I wasn't masculine enough to be a trans man.

But masculine women and feminine men exist.

You're allowed to be a masculine woman even as a trans woman, you're allowed to do and enjoy masculine things and still be a woman. It's ok. I promise we'll still accept you and you'll find that sense of belonging you're clearly missing.

[u/Justanotherphone → u/risky__cake]

I’m a fellow trans guy who thought he wasn’t masculine enough to transition. Having trans women in my life who possess some typically masculine hobbies/traits/etc. made me realize I could embrace my more effeminate side and still be trans. I saw and respected my trans fem friends who spend their time fixing cars and playing contact sports as women, so why did liking drag and dance disqualify me from the same?

[u/Single_Shoe2817 → u/risky__cake]

Yo dude. Just want to say, that I am proud of you for being who you are and helping others to get there too.

[u/risky__cake → u/Single_Shoe2817]

We gotta have each other's backs right?

[u/bittersandseltzer → u/Business_Sherbet8737]

adding some validation to this and also - find folks who are similar. All queer spaces are different. I'm in brooklyn and the queer space for people like you exist in abundance here. I'm actually dating two nb/trans folks (I'm poly - not cheating) and they are both AMAB and voice realllllly similar sentiments about their gender. They also both tend to think its too late to transition / they are too masc to transition and I 1000% dont believe it. I also am very attracted to gender fuckery so I find trans women who dont pass to be super hot! All this to say - explore you and the people who appreciate you will find you. You will have better, more supportive community, by fully exploring and embracing yourself. Whoever you end up being!

[u/s0ngsforthedeaf → u/Business_Sherbet8737]

'Dysphoria' puts a very big word on something that is maybe a bit more benign. To me it sounds like OP doesnt feel like a sterotypical man and like the stereotypical masculine ideals. He doesnt like the way a lot men relate to each other, or women.

That doesnt inherently make him feminine either. The binanry is a lot of self-enforced BS.

You can be a straight man and ....not be inerested in being tough, be extroverted in your feelings, forge deep and emotional friendships with your buds, have lots of platonic meaningful female friends. A lot of this is against the grain of being a man, but its still being a man. By definition, it is.

[u/f3nnies → u/s0ngsforthedeaf]

OP is literally describing himself in the textbook way someone with body dysphoria would.

[u/Business_Sherbet8737 → u/s0ngsforthedeaf]

Dysphoria doesn’t have to be a big deal and that’s the point of my comment

[u/Alina_Swift → u/Business_Sherbet8737]

I totally agree. I experienced very similar things to OP (but in reverse bc I’m a woman), it doesn’t mean I’m trans or NB.

People need to be able to work thru their thoughts and decide what’s best for them without being pushed in either direction

[u/everender8 → u/Business_Sherbet8737]

Actually, diagnosing people IS a pretty big deal... that's why we usually leave it to the doctors

[u/Business_Sherbet8737 → u/everender8]

Where did I diagnose him dumb ass? I said it sounded like dysphoria because it does AND RECOMMENDED SPEAKING TO A PROFESSIONAL IMMEDIATELY AFTER.

Then I literally tell him to not get swept up in the bullshit about this issue on either sides of the isle on this issue and be true to himself, whatever that ends up meaning. Which could easily be NOT a diagnosis.

So just move on, you didn’t read my comment or if you did you just read what you wanted to hear.

Lots of people experience dysphoria without it being anything, I have myself and I am cis and straight. It is not and should not be a big deal to discuss. Admitting to dysphoria is not becoming trans.

[u/everender8 → u/Business_Sherbet8737]

"Textbook dysphoria" is what you said... Tik Tok is not a text book, but it's a great way to get into an echo chamber and believe you're an expert cuz an influencer said something that "really resonated" with you

You came into a space for men to talk about men's issues and you started with "actually your perspective is wrong".... half these comments here are women informing him his own perspective is incorrect.... it'd be obscene if our society hadn't set the bar so low for obscenity

[u/awolfwithoutaf00t → u/everender8]

Actually you're the one that lead with "actually." And I think you meant to say that the bar is so high for obscenity now. See, when women say the bar is in hell, they mean that a lot of behavior that shouldn't be good enough is treated as enough or even celebrated when men do it. Your point is that things that should be considered obscene no longer meet the definition, i.e. they don't reach the standard. Hope this helps and REALLY hope you stop talking to women like that!

[u/everender8 → u/awolfwithoutaf00t]

Always a sure sign of intellect when they go for the error instead of the concept.... talk to women like what? Using ad homonim attacks?

[u/awolfwithoutaf00t → u/everender8]

Your error was your most redeeming quality. A whisper of a suggestion that you may be more human than troll. I clung to that whisper like a child to mother's teat. Alas, it rendered no sustenance.

Your comments were very condescending. Also, it's *hominem.

[u/qubytecodes]

Ok, so I'm not going to tell you you're transgender, but I want to dispel a couple of your points here using my own experience. I did not cross dress at all before starting to come out. I had no memories of behaving in a stereotypically girly way when I was young. I cultivated masculine hobbies (and still enjoy some of them). Yet, here I am, out for nearly two years and nobody had any idea (including me for the longest time). For me, coming out allowed me to embrace feminine things which I didn't feel comfortable doing until I was out. It may or may not be the same for you, but don't discount the possibility based on these points!

[u/CaitVi587]

Hey friend, first off--30 years old is not too late to change your appearance or transition.

And I'll be real with you, I'm not sure what a men's soul vs a women's soul is supposed to mean. Do you want to look like a woman? Do you want to be friends with women? You CAN actually have that, you know. Just because you have masculine tastes doesn't mean you can't be trans, either. I'm a feminine trans guy. I would happily dress up as a princess. Some lesbians look nearly identical to men, they're women. Gender is more fluid than you think.

Maybe, do some more introspection. I don't think you're as doomed as you think you are. I know it all feels like a lot, but seriously--you can have some of these things you are wishing for, I think.

[u/PabloTheGod]

Go seek professional help. Get off Reddit.

[u/Talking_Tanuki]

As others have said, I think you need to take a break from social media and definitely from any “gender war” content you might be consuming. You view yourself and men in general through the lens of online rage towards certain men, and that’s not healthy. Most men are not monsters, and most women aren’t beautiful angels unconditionally supporting each other.

It seems you struggle with connecting with other men. Could you elaborate why? Also, men and women can be friends and be emotionally close without it being romantic. It is more complicated than same-sex friendships, sure, but it is possible, and there are people with close friends of the other gender.

[u/smolbirdfriend]

One thing I wanna say that no one else has touched. Whether you’re trans or not, if you don’t take care of these really toxic thoughts about men and worshipping thoughts of women you’ll go on to project this into all aspects of your life. I’ve seen it too many times and it causes real harm.

Let’s say you are trans, if you don’t take care of this outlook on the world and you do transition, you could then become very toxic and hating towards men and trans men in particular, or any kind of masculinity. We see it a lot. This hurts those around you and will isolate you in radical spheres with toxic ideologies. You will continue to put women on a pedestal which both makes you vulnerable to being abused but also abusive.

Let’s say you’re not trans, you will continue to not only live life hating every aspect of yourself, you’ll hate all the men around you and not be able to make the connections you need to live a healthy and long life. And again, you will continue to put women on a pedestal which both makes you vulnerable to being abused but also abusive.

There is nothing intrinsically good or bad about gender and if you see the world in such black and white ways it’s only going to hurt you and all of those around you.

Please speak to a professional therapist and work through these feelings and thoughts and learn to understand that on an individual level people are just humans. We’re all flawed and we all have the capacity to be good, bad, mediocre, everything. You really need to get your head straight.

I hope this “tough love” gets through to you as much as those encouraging you to explore your potential gender dysphoria. It’s really important to do both. It won’t be easy, but do it for you and everyone around you.

And like others have said, start learning to see extremist content for what it is and learn to see the nuance of issues.

[u/newpsyaccount32]

As a man, I'll never have an equal friendship with a woman.

brother what??? stop internalizing stupid gender war social media bullshit that knocks you down and leaves you feeling like a monster for being born male.

i'm a cishet dude with a bunch of equal woman friendships. just treat women like people, listen to their experiences, and don't make a big show about being different from the average dude. if you're truly an ally to women they will see it in your daily actions without requiring you to opine about how much men suck or something.

[u/sour_heart8 → u/newpsyaccount32]

Yeah I wanted to mention something like this as well. I do think there is some truth to what OP said, especially early in a friendship, that women will (rightfully) be more wary of a guy. But I agree with you, if you show with your actions that you are a kind person who believes women are equal to you, I don’t think you will have a problem finding a strong friendship.

[u/Rxorcistt]

This is just self loathing directed towards your gender. You'd probably feel the same if you were a woman but find a different way to channel it. On top of that, it sounds like you've absorbed way too much gender war content. You talk about how much harm men have caused and how they're "monsters" when in actuality men are just humans, and humans are flawed.

[u/FellowHuman420 → u/Rxorcistt]

In a sea of “you’re trans, homie!” responses, I’m glad I found this one. OP sounds young and I don’t envy young people who are constantly being beaten over the head with “cismen are the worst” messaging.

[u/DigitalWraithToly → u/FellowHuman420]

I agree with you. I was one of those people like ‘hey homie maybe reflect a little longer on the potential of being trans’ but I acknowledge this might be it too. Unfortunately as a trans man you generally don’t reap the benefits of masculinity but you get all of the blowback that the world seems to be throwing at all men atm so having felt that like ‘shit I wish I could be anything else’ and even having delayed my own coming out and transition to try to pretend I’m not what I am because I felt like I was becoming the enemy - I can only imagine how a lot of cis guys feel right now. (I should note I no longer feel that way and accept I’m a guy but it’s bitter sweet in its own way because it’s not like the external negative sentiment towards men and masculinity has really stopped)

Commenting to add perspective and agree but I hope this bumps the whole thread up as well as I think both possibilities are worth considering.

[u/Valuable_Bat_262]

Have you considered talking to a therapist who is well versed in gender issues? Not necessarily for transitioning purposes but just to work through these thoughts? Also for general support because it sounds like you've got a lot on your plate with your dad recently passing away and you having this feeling for a longer time

Ik zie dat je Nederlands bent aan de kapsalon dus ik kan je ook wat specifiekere aanbevelingen doen als je dat wilt!

[u/Rihhah]

Oh very relatable, and I'm sorry. I am a man through and through, but even I wish I could have the friendship and trust of a sisterhood. And to be vulnerable without people berating me. Male friendships are not for me, too competitive, too misogynistic, and lacking any real depth.

[u/Low_Recognition_1557]

I definitely suggest finding a reputable therapist and talking this out. That is a heavy thing to carry, that distaste for a piece of yourself.

“Sisterhood” isn’t universal. Just because women have shared experiences (as men do as well) doesn’t automatically mean we all experience this camaraderie the way you seem to imagine it. Women aren’t automatically better humans just because they’re women.

Not all women see men as monsters; I don’t. Are there men who are monsters? Yep. There are also women who are monsters. I don’t walk around assuming every man I see is going to harm me just because of his gender. Do I actively avoid situations that put me in potential danger? Absolutely, that’s the responsibility I have to keep myself safe. That is not the same as actively assuming harm will come to me.

I have close friends who are male and female. I have a (platonic) male roommate. There is no reason you can’t have friendships with women, although I do agree that right now your mindset on it isn’t healthy and you need to spend some time finding and healing that part of yourself so you can love yourself. It’s part of what makes for healthy friendships; if you can’t love yourself, you’ll tend to outsource your self-worth to others, which is incredibly toxic.

Women need men who value them as much as men need women who value them. We have to have each other’s backs against injustice, cruelty, dishonor, disrespect, malice, hate… all of it.

[u/ElectronicPangolin96]

It sounds like you've internalized a lot of really negative things about men. While there are a lot of terrible men out there, you are not a monster just because you're a man, and you shouldn't feel so ashamed or guilty of other men's actions. You're right that it sucks that you're perceived as a threat, and it's not weird to wish things were different.

If you're able, you might want to try making some female friends. I know you can't get the sisterhood women have with strangers, but you can get an emotionally open, supportive friendship with an equal. Wanting to befriend women is normal and fine and very doable.

Lastly, wanting to be transgender and wanting to be a woman is not a very cisgender experience. You might not be trans, but I think you should look into it a little more, even if transitioning isn't safe for you right now.

I hope you are able to find peace.

[u/False_Brick1521 → u/ElectronicPangolin96]

Lastly, wanting to be transgender and wanting to be a woman is not a very cisgender experience

It's not common, but I can say (as a cisgender male) I do relate to occasionally having an intense desire to be a woman. In my case I think it boils down to being flooded with "man = bad" messaging when I was young and wishing I could have the approval of the women expressing those views, and then having that reinforced by being served gender war content by all of my social media feeds.

The vast majority of the time I'm comfortable being a man, but occasionally something will trigger the "dysphoria." I'm self-aware in those moments, enough to recognise that I wouldn't actually be more comfortable living as a woman or non-binary than a man, but... like, if you gave me a button to be born again as a woman, I'm not sure I wouldn't press it lmao.

[u/ElectronicPangolin96 → u/False_Brick1521]

Hmm, interesting. I bet this is more common in young men, since this kind of messaging is way more prevalent than it used to be. Back before social media, those viewpoints tended to stay within women-only circles, not aired out on the entire internet on platforms that push divisive posts.

In OP's case, I don't think that's quite it. He's talking like every trans person I know used to talk pre-transition: "I wish I was trans" "I want to be a woman" "I envy women" "I want to look like a woman" "I wish I had friendships with women the way women do" "I can't transition now, I'll never pass" "I hate being a man but I'm stuck with it" "I can't transition, my workplace and family will not accept me"--all of those are things I've heard verbatim from friends who have since come out and started their transitions. He might not be trans, and might be genuinely full of gender war brainworms, but I think he should look into it instead of telling himself it would never work out anyway because he "has a male soul".

[u/beegboo → u/ElectronicPangolin96]

To add on to this, talk to an LGBT+ group they are usually very nice people and if you find a close friend there they are usually willing to listen to these kind of thoughts and can help you talk through these experiences. And if all else fails you will have made some new friends and that is usually a good thing.

[u/PancakesAndAss]

Make some friends.

[u/Several-Action-4043]

You can respect women without losing your own self-respect. I suggest going out and talking to people not on the internet. You seem to have internalized a lot of the man hate that goes around here on the internet. Go meet some real people to get back to baseline.

[u/Entropei]

I think you’ve internalised a lot of the public discourse on gender relations in a way that’s just not healthy for your psyche. Men are not monsters. You are not a monster for being a man.

You’re doing a lot of policing of your own thoughts. Thoughts are not harmful until they turn into actions. It’s ok to feel envious of women.

I think it would do you some good to search out some of the more progressive male role models and find some way to connect with your masculinity in a positive way.

[u/Nybear21]

I don't know what you're on about with the friend thing, 2 of my best friends are women.

You've like reverse red pilled yourself or something. You need to evaluate how much of this is actual factual reality and how much you're just making up and projecting onto the world.

[u/sensuallbdsm]

lmao “i wish I was transgender, but I'm not” girl, do i have news for you. not wanting to be your gender is all it takes to be trans!

in all seriousness, sounds like you’re dealing with some pretty brutal low self esteem. have you tried therapy? you shouldn’t feel guilty for the evil in other people. therapy helps us accept the things that we cannot change. whether that be our body or other peoples behavior. wanting to be a woman because you don’t feel connected to men is uhhhh an interesting choice

[u/leftofthebellcurve]

I have never been mistreated because of my gender

ehhhh.... I'm sure you have but you probably don't think about it as being 'mistreated'. Its very different than being mistreated for being a woman, but it happens to men.

I wish I was beautiful and confident like women

Start working out as hard as possible. In 6 months you'll be beautiful to people and your confidence will soar

[u/bfyvfftujijg → u/leftofthebellcurve]

Society telling you that you’re a monster is kind of mistreatment

[u/leftofthebellcurve → u/bfyvfftujijg]

exactly. Or all of the emotional sterility around being a man. Or the unwritten expectations to be stoic and keep your shit together.

It definitely exists

[u/Good_Matter7529]

friend, there’s no such thing as a man or woman’s soul. you know cis men do not have the thoughts that you are having.

you’re not too old to transition, so you should just go for it- if you hate it as much as your current life, you can simply stop and go back to living as a sad man. you know you can live with that, however miserable it is.

why not give yourself a chance to be happy?

[u/2xWhiskeyCokeNoIce]

Other people have addressed the "maybe you're trans" stuff so I'm not going to beat that horse. But you are wrong. You can have an equal friendship with women. It takes work but proving you're not a threat and then proving that you're an ally and protector is possible. Put in sweat equity with your female friends and over time you will get there. It is possible and the women in your life will be appreciative of you.

[u/FloreHiems]

My 34 year old boyfriend just discovered crossdressing is something he likes. My other 30 yo friends still uses he/him but is on estrogen and dresses fem when not at his blue collar work. Theres a million ways to express yourself and feel right. Doesnt have to fit anyones labels.

I understand what you are saying about female friendships and female beauty. Women get attention and compliments for looking beautiful that men will never get no matter how good looking. (That attention is a curse for many women but thats beside this point) they have access to clothes makeup jewelry and other manners of expression that are frowned about for men by society at large. Women form close friendships with trust and comfort to a level most men do not. But there are men out there who build close friendships too, and with women as well. You arent a second class citizen to most women as long as you treat them like a human first and foremost. Women do have to be more wary about the men they trust though, so you may have to be consistently trustworthy for a longer timeframe before you make those close connections.

I have close friends who are women and men. I know friends who are cis men but express their femininity, some in public, some in private, in different ways. Dont be afraid to experiment with yourself in a safe private space. You might discover solutions or interests you didnt know existed.

[u/Strange_Main3039]

I think you might just have issues with masculinity, as a trans woman I really expected to look at this and assume you were an egg or whatever but you might just need to start having some good healthy male relationships. Men and women are both wonderful and horrible in many ways, and both genders deserve to be celebrated and loved (and those who don’t fall into a gender of course 💝). This idea that men are inherently bad or gross or terrible is a really bad misconception, when I was still male socialized in the military some of the bonds I forged with men were wonderful important and had lasting impacts on me. If you want my two cents go join a club or activity or group, they are a ton of fun and social activity is really good for you

[u/Gene_freeman]

Hey friend, I'm not going to tell you what you are but maybe you should consider reaching out to local LGBTQ groups in your area. There's nothing to feel guilty about and your feelings may not mean you're trans, but I think you would benefit from reaching out to people who feel the same way as you, because there are people who think the same way as you.

Whatever it might be, you're not broken, if you are a man who likes feminine things that's okay and there will be people who love and support you and if you are trans then there will always be people who love and support you.

[u/SnorkBorkGnork]

Hey lekker kapsalon! Eet smakelijk!

Tbh there are many ways to be transgender and what you're describing does sound a lot like dysphoria.

My wife came out when she was around your age. She never recognized it in herself as a child because she had "nerd" interests and hobbies (magic the gathering, dungeons and dragons) as opposed to "super girly" stuff like dolls or makeup. Whether the concept of a soul is real, and if that soul has a gender is a matter of personal belief. I have always had similar feelings and decided to medical transition now.

You could talk to a therapist who specializes in gender dysphoria to unravel these feelings you have. They won't push you one way or the other, but will help you figure out what these feelings mean and what you can do with them.

I know transgenderinfopunt in Belgium has a list of therapists qualified to do this, but I don't know if the Netherlands has a list like that since I left The Netherlands ten years ago.

[u/mygmjtt]

Being a girl isn’t this sacred magical thing you have to qualify for. You can just do it. If you want to be a girl? You are probably a girl. Obviously gender can be nuanced, but my point is — you’re not missing any little Piece of Magic that makes you a woman. You can just…be one. At any time. For any length of time. However you want.

You’re not crazy. Or unhinged. Or creepy. Whatever you end up doing — please be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

[u/WorthAcid]

I believe you have a pretty toxic idea of what being a man is, you should feel no guilt for the evil actions of others. There are evil men in the world but unless you engage in the same evils as them, having the same gender doesn't syphon their sins onto you. There is no shame on being a man, and you shouldn't be apologizing for what people that have nothing to do with you besides gender do. I hate with all my hearth when people generalize like that because it is really common these days for some fucking reason, treat people as individuals and afford that same consideration to yourself. I hope the best outcome for you.

[u/TalkingCat910]

Ok since you’re saying you’re not trans I think you just have some issues to work on in therapy.

Men are not intrinsically bad like you are saying.  I don’t know where you got these ideas from but these gender wars extreme feminism or extreme red pill content is a cancer.  We are all just people at the end of the day.

[u/Significant-Bar-8989]

Please look into r/translater and r/mtfbutch those spaces are for: trans people who transition at 30 or later, and trans women who are into masculine things still(as “butch” should have tipped you off). You definitely came off as giving excuses as to why you “couldn’t possibly be trans” in doing so, my take is that you are potentially trans but you are caught up with a bunch of concerns over that. And maybe you really aren’t trans, but it’s definitely something worth looking into to figure it out for sure

[u/BobCharlie]

I have never been mistreated because of my gender.

I find this hard to believe. Other men will absolutely mistreat you simply because you are a man. Have you never had someone try to disrespect you or bully you?

[u/lumabugg → u/BobCharlie]

Yeah, when it really comes down to it, a lot of adolescent bullying is about policing gender norms.

[u/MaybeAdrian]

You shouldn't be ashamed or hate yourself for something that isn't related to you. Someone could be a piece of shit and if for some reason you have something in common with that person doesn't make you the same.

You are what you choose to be.

And besides... You don't have a "siterhood" but you have a brotherhood.

To be fair it seems that you have been affected by to much social media propaganda

[u/Andrew225]

Hey bud. You mean well, you really do.

And I think you've fallen down a rabbit hole of idealizing something out there that isn't for you.

It's fine man- happens to us all, especially when we're depressed. We can see the issues with our situation, and we wish something was profoundly different so that the situation wouldn't exist.

The sisterhood isn't a quarter as profound and supportive as you think it is. Can it be? Sure, but so are male friendships. Both can be incredibly good and supportive, and I think you've found yourself down rabbit holes where you've accidentally convinced yourself that isn't the case.

My Fiancee is a lovely woman, and she doesn't have anyone in her life that comes close to the support and friendship I have with my best friend (although I do wish she did have that). Friendship, and it's depth, isn't gendered mate

[u/Unl3a5h3r]

I totally understand your feelings.

For me it helped to stop thinking about gender too much and just act as equalizer wherever possible. I treat women and men equally and if I see someone not doing it I ask them why. That means that I expect women to hold doors open for men just like I expect men to do the dishes after lunch (just to have 2 examples). There are hardly any difference between men and women, most are just cultural.

(I won't go deeper into society science or whatever it may be called in English here.)

[u/Tovarish_Nikolay]

Did therapy not help at all? Maybe it's a matter of finding the right specialist?

[u/robotbeatrally]

as a man who had mostly women friends in my 20s and 30s i definitely dont yearn for sisterhood. i loved my friends despite their flaws but most women are terrible to eachother lol. my guy friends are way way better friends objectively. i just happened to be closer to the women (due to many factors).

[u/BiscottiOk7342]

man, women got it made! they can easily sneak candy bars i to the movies!

[u/False_Brick1521]

Honestly OP, I get where you're coming from. I'm a cisgender male, who 90% of the time is perfectly comfortable with that. But every now and then I have phases of exactly what you're talking about here. So you're not alone. In my case, it's the result of having internalised negative messaging about men from a young age from women in my life. Maybe you had someone do the same during your depression. There's a heavy dose of self-hatred apparent in your post that needs to be sorted out, alongside whether you're actually trans.

You could still be a transgender woman, of course. A lot of transgender women start from your point, where they feel trapped as a man because they're socialised as men ("having a man's soul"), fears of their friends and family, and fears that they won't pass as a woman. You wouldn't be invalid for having those thoughts, and a lot of trans people go through a learning curve of figuring out how to act in their new identity, which isn't necessarily going to be 100% masculine or feminine.

[u/Natural_Artichoke_88]

Unhinged. Totally.

[u/cuteevee21]

Dude, you are talking exactly like many many other trans women do.

The only requirement for being trans is feeling like you want to be a different gender.

If you would be happier as a women, then you should go for it.

Please go connect with some trans community and talk to them. Many many trans women did not have strong feelings as a child. They just knew as adult they would be happier as women. That’s it.

Some countries might have strict rules for who can access medical transition, but there are no rules on who you are.

Let yourself explore the possibility that you are trans.

[u/CaitVi587 → u/cuteevee21]

Yeah, idk what these other comments are talking about. I'm not saying they are trans, but boy OP does sound very similar to how my trans friends talk.

[u/risky__cake → u/cuteevee21]

This is it really I stg.

[u/MonsutaReipu]

You can envy womanhood without shitting all over masculinity and portraying men as vile.

[u/ChrdeMcDnnis]

Wish I had some advice to give you but I’m in the same exact boat. I do not enjoy being a man, but I know that I am one. I do not feel fulfilled by masculine activities or whatever. I do not experience any kinship with my fellow men for being fellow men, nor have I ever been accepted into any group or creed on that basis alone. I am more often left out for that reason than I am included.

Ultimately I feel guilty for complaining, because I know the other side is worse off, but there is no space for me to lament these things without being told “suck it up, it’s your own fault AS A MAN for being such a LONELY MAN and not being MAN ENOUGH to stop it.”

I just want to be perceived as a ball of intellect and personality without being seen as a hairy ape first.

[u/InternationalAir1042]

When women hate so much on men generally this is the outcome. They make random men hate themselves

[u/Practical-Pen15land]

You walked into a boy dinner sub, posted the most honest thing anyone's put here all month, and then apologized for it, which is about as male a move as exists and I mean that kindly.

I don't think the envy is creepy, I think it's grief that found a costume. Your dad died last year and your brain picked "wish I were someone else entirely" as the exit, which is a normal and stupid thing for a brain to do under that kind of weight. A therapist and one friend you can say this to out loud would do more than a new soul.

Also, kapsalon is the correct dinner for this mood, because nobody has ever eaten fries, döner and melted cheese out of a foil tray and thought "I am a monster."

Eat it and then book the appointment.

[u/Traditional-Mix2702]

If you were a chick, I'd imagine you'd write this same post but being like "I can never experience brotherhood, always wondering if he's just trying to **** me or write me off as a *****."

U got a depression and lack of community problem my brother. Find a book group, go to library game nights and play dungeons or dragons, or do one of those bars with the sand volleyball pits and join a pickup league. Whatever your thing is, go do that, but don't have Reddit be the thing you do.

EDIT: From my experience, brotherhood is real and it is good. Find you some guy friends and hug them when you get to see em. Hugging ain't gay unless you both *** at the same time.

[u/emotionalsupporthole]

i mean if you ain't trans you ain't trans but "i'm almost 30 anyway" is just a wild take to include and just sounds like ur making excuses for urself lol

[u/Altruistic-Peach2985]

When did this sub become "TransComplainingDiaries"

[u/iQ420-]

https://giphy.com/gifs/ukGm72ZLZvYfS
Touch some grass

[u/SalvageSRT]

You Can Be My Woman, Bro.

[u/Creepy_Fortune_6169]

Get off the internet for a while dude. Go outside and do real things.

[u/Apart-Zucchini-5825]

The internet is doing a number on you, but at least you didn't fall into the manosphere trap. That shit is worse. Beating yourself up is better than taking it out on others.

However, beating yourself up in this manner is still bad. Some kind of therapy is a good idea.

[u/MozuF40]

It's one thing to want to be a woman just because you hate being a man. It's another thing to want to be a woman because you feel like you are a woman. If it's the first, you would probably regret transitioning. If it's the second, maybe something to think about. HOWEVER you must come to these decisions on your own. Do not let anyone convince you to transition. You must make sure it is 100% your decision.

I've had one guy friend that at one point thought about this. He didn't actually want to be a woman but considered it because he hated being a CIS white straight guy. He wanted to be in a minority for "protection". Before he actually did anything though he thought it through and decided it was not the solution to his problems.

[u/Entropei → u/MozuF40]

Does that not make you feel sad? That your friend didn’t feel safe to be who he is?

[u/witcher252 → u/MozuF40]

I feel like part of it is just a cultural thing. People thing hating on white men, and to an extent white women is okay because it isn’t “punching down”

So you see and hear all the time that white people, or specially white men are evil and bad and caused all the problems in the world. When any of these people speak out or try and have any shred of pride in it they’re further labeled a racist or a fascist.

I think it’s a big part of why you see so many young men going further to the right politically.

[u/sensuallbdsm → u/MozuF40]

that’s really weird. i can’t imagine wanting to change anything about my identity for some perceived social benefit. especially something as serious ad changing my body!

[u/Lawlux]

Look, you are one of those cases that I would feel no problem in stating the following:

"DO NOT TRUST YOUR OWN REASONING."

You have borrowed yourself down a deep hole of falsehood and negativity. You need to start climbing out. ASAP!

This version of your mind is wrong and to the brim with self loathing totally detached from reality. Your mind is inventing things to justify its own point of view. This is one of the things that the mind does. But here, it is WRONG. Plain and simple. It needs reprogramming. And before that happens, you need to admit you don't truly know anything about what you're talking about.

Start by getting off social media. It is a widely understood trove of data and algorithms that twists the realities of the loose minded.

Also, if you believe in souls, then understand that souls are genderless.

[u/HopelessAutist01]

I was going to write a paragraph to compare the two genders but halfway through i realaed something. This is a self hate post, you hate yourself deeply and its not related to being a man. Your behaviours as you describe are a choice, not some gender instinct. So take responsibility and dont blame biology for it. Your romanticism of sisterhood and womenhood is reflection of shallow understanding of women and their lives and problems. You dont know how brutal female bullying is and how ruthless women can be. Your entire opinion is an idealization built on fantasy and not real experience or understanding. You want a simple line to have better life as a man? Be better, everyday bit by bit. Be better. Better at loving yourself, better at taking care of your health mental and physical, better at socializing, become better every day, bit by bit. Thats all. And in few years you will be cringing or laughing at this post.

[u/ventitr3]

Get off Reddit and the internet in general for a bit. This reads like somebody who doesn’t have much for hobbies outside of the internet and it’s corrupting their brain reading nonsense all day. The internet can take depression and multiply it very easily. Find a healthy outlet and visit a therapist. Do not listen to any of the people here pointing you towards being trans, having you go down a route that isn’t going to fix anything that you wrote here. Respectfully, too much of this is nonsensical and you’d be better off talking to a professional than following any advice here that doesn’t point you in that same direction.

[u/TheMarksmanHedgehog]

HRT doesn't stop working just because you're 30, you'll just have to experience puberty 2, electric boogaloo, and you may need to duel with providers to actually get an adequate dose, and tolerate injections since pill form HRT destroys your liver.

Vocal training can sort out your voice, and also give you the ability to do impressions or sing with an absurd range, surgery's an option if you'd rather something you don't have to train.

In terms of bones and muscles, HRT will change the shape of all of those quite notably, anything that requires active upkeep in your body will be affected, and that's basically all of your load bearing tissues and soft tissues.

A bigger issue is the fact that the world just isn't all that accepting of trans people.

What you have sounds like textbook gender dysphoria, and the textbook treatment is gender affirming care.

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[u/MyLawyerWroteThis]

Kapsalon is amazing. That is my favorite fast food. And if anyone hasn't tried it, try it.

[u/beerncoffeebeans]

So I used to feel like I wasn’t doing being a woman right because I was born and told I was a girl, but it never quite felt right. When I was younger I didn’t think about it much except to feel it was unfair when boys were allowed to do things and I wasn’t allowed to join them (they often purposefully shut me out). I didn’t really feel sisterhood (except with my actual sisters who are related to me). I thought maybe I was just weird.

I met other transgender people as a young adult like 18-19 years old and I was like oh that’s great but not for me, because surely I would have known I was a boy/man already like other people to be trans. I used to go to a trans group and hang out but if anyone asked I wasn’t trans I just liked wearing men’s clothes 😅 (fortunately the people in the group were very kind and didn’t pressure me to identify as anything and just let me keep hanging out).

A few years later I started to realize that maybe I just didn’t feel like a woman and never really had. I’m not stereotypically masculine and I envied men but felt I’d never fit in. When I was 27 I finally decided it was time and I started HRT. Anyways fast forward another almost 9 years and I am just a regular guy and that is my life now.

This is not to say you are or aren’t trans yourself OP, only you can decide that. But you are allowed to explore things because how can you know if you want to live in a country if you’ve never even been able to visit? You can feel a sense of longing but also feel like maybe the people there wouldn’t accept you or you wouldn’t fit in. I think gender and transition can feel like that and it’s true some people are not welcoming, but others are. I’ve had men who supported me and treated me the same as they would anyone else, and I also know women who do the same for trans women.

(Also there are trans women who have masculine interests or even dress more “tomboy” or “butch”, just like there are trans men who enjoy wearing dresses and skirts. And there are cis women who are the same way and like to wear masculine styles but they are women. And there are cis men who like to wear women’s clothing or feminine styles. Clothing is related to your presentation but it’s not like a 1:1 correspondence if that makes sense.)

Anyways I think this is clearly something that has persisted for a while. If you can find a professional in your area who is supportive of people questioning their gender that might help, or you may want to visit a transgender support group if there’s one in your region. You may have more in common with folks there than you realized, and if not that’s ok too but it’s worth getting more information.

Also, you can be friends with women and close with them without being creepy. While gendered violence is very common and built into most societies we live in, there are men and women who have close friendships and care for each other. It just takes time to find people who share your interests and build that trust. I really value the friendships with women in my own life, of all types, some of them have changed a bit as I transitioned and others haven’t at all honestly. You don’t have to be alone forever, that’s the truest thing I can tell you, and you’re not the only one who experiences these kinds of thoughts or feelings

[u/lumabugg]

I’m a cis woman, so I’m not going to tell you whether I think you’re trans or not. Ultimately, that is a journey only you can go on.

I will say, though, that not all women get that automatic “sisterhood” either. Neurodivergent women or women otherwise perceived as “other” often get excluded. So you are not alone there.

However, as for sisterhood of friends as opposed to strangers, I would say that a lot of women do let honorary men into their “sisterhood.” You have to demonstrate that you are safe to be around, but once we know a guy is kind and trustworthy, we’ll be as close to him as the girls. And if you’re worried about how men treat women, be the guy who tells other guys that something they said is not okay.

As for how you look and the confidence of women, find what makes you feel confident and wear it, no matter what society says. Seriously, really take a look at the most confident women you see (because trust me, your idea that the majority of women are confident is an illusion). They’re the ones wearing the outfits that stick out the most. They’re the ones that aren’t conforming or blending in. Maybe you would feel better stepping outside of men’s fashion basics, even if you’re not necessarily looking to step entirely outside of men’s fashion into women’s fashion. Trade your plain gray hoodie for a bold, colorful sweater. Swap the traditional masculine basic tee colors (black, gray, steel blue, forest green) for a less common color (purple, pink, bright teal). Have fun with accessories, even if you stay with jewelry and other accessories that read more masculine. I am a plus sized woman, and I used to wish that I could wear the bold, fun clothes that some women wore instead of wearing dark jewel tones, and then one day I realized that the only actual difference between me and those women is that they just wear the clothes they want, and nothing was stopping me. I wore a fun sweater to work last week (I work from home 4 out of 5 days a week, so it was my one in-office day) and got so many compliments. There was a time I wouldn’t have worn it because, idk, some rule in the ether that says that I, personally, am not allowed to? But it turns out, I am allowed to, and people like it when I wear what I like!

[u/BringMeAHigherLunch]

Truthfully this sounds less like gender dysphoria and more like gender envy. You can have a grass is always greener mentality without wanting to fundamentally change everything about yourself physically and socially. Best of luck brother, you’ll find your people someday that don’t care about labels, norms etc.

[u/liberty_n_justice]

You know the saying “the good old boys club”? It exists for a reason. In many societies, dudes stick together. There’s about a million and one phrases that joke about it, like bros before hoes, dicks before chicks, mates before dates, pals before gals, etc.

Conversely, I’ve heard a lot of women say a phrase along the lines of “if there were such a thing as a good old girls club, girls would rule the world.”

Idk where you got this sisterhood of the traveling pants stuff from, but it rarely exists according to the women I know. Women often say the patriarchy socialized women to see one other as competition, so they don’t band together. Many women lament how rare it is to experience genuine, real life sisterhoods outside of family groups or groups with shared interests (which is often not gendered and is more focused on including anyone with those specific interests). Basically they say there isn’t some magical sisterhood where everyone with a vagina joins hands and sings kumbaya.

I’m not trying to throw a bucket of cold water on you, but it’s important that you internalize that your thinking is heavily romanticized and just not based in facts.

[u/daveliterally]

Souls are not a thing. What you don't have is gender dysphoria. Instead, you've internalized a lot of man-hating sentiment which is the absolute wrong way of going about it.

You're also glamorizing women as though they're perfect. As though sisterhood is any less meaningful than brotherhood.

I understand it's easy to disapprove of the behavior of many men, but this isn't the right way to react to it.

[u/robotfruit0000]

I am a trans man who pushed of transitioning because I thought I was “too girly.” In fact there are lots of ways to be anything. I’m a girly guy who happens to be trans and I’m happy asf now. If you want to try being a girl for a little or in certain spaces and see how it feels, that is chill. If you like it, great! If not, no worries. Just don’t let preconceived notions stop you.

Also, there are many ways to be a guy and masculinity can be really beautiful. It took me a long way to figure this out as a trans guy, but it’s true I promise. There are no bad options, just be yourself.

(Edited to be a little less prescriptive)

[u/vaudiore]

maybe you’re really not trans but I still think you should give the gender dysphoria bible a read. https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en

[u/New_Examination200]

Hey friend, the whole "woman trapped in a man's body" thing isn't literal for most transgender people. There's a ton of trans women who had no idea they were trans until adulthood, and didn't show any obvious signs. The fact that you want to be transgender, and want to be a woman is enough. Cisgender people don't wish they were trans, they don't wonder at length about how good it would feel to live as a different gender.

You're not being fetishistic, there's nothing wrong with the way you're feeling. I'm sorry that you don't have a great support system, I know that can make things really difficult. It's okay to explore these feelings though, you still have plenty of time. It's never ever too late to start being who you wanna be.

[u/Prize_Wait8146]

Therapy. It’s good you can admit you’re feeling this way. Now you can use some professional help to sort it out and make a plan to go forward.

[u/AlertAd7834]

I know your notifications are a mess right now and you probably won't see this, but I'll ask anyway: do you have any friends who are women? Some of my closest friends are women, it doesn't have to be weird. Do you have any LGBT friends? I think it could be good for you to get some non-traditional gender representation in your life, there's no one way to do any of this stuff.

[u/mothmano_0]

You don’t have to know from childhood or be hyper feminine to be trans. Ik you said you aren’t but what you’re describing is dysphoria, you might want to look harder at what your identity means to you.

[u/AntiqueThanks6164]

Don't let your dreams be dreams.

[u/ItsManapa]

Men and woman both have their flaws. Neither are bad. Stop absorbing short form content.

Look inward and be a good person to the best of your ability. Probably need to talk to someone if that doesn't work

[u/awolfwithoutaf00t]

Trans guy here, but not here to say who or what you are. As long as you are alive, it's never too late to be who you are or prioritize your self fulfillment. I didn't start transitioning until 39. I never expressed wanting to be a boy as a kid, but I have found so many signs in retrospect, after I began my transition. I am/plan to be a feminine man, and I know a lottttt of people who are very into masculine women. A couple years ago at a gala, I saw an amab person in a ball gown, face beat for the gods, thick chest hair running from a delicious off shoulder neckline to the clavicle, and I still kick myself for not talking to somebody so hot.

At the same time, I think you have "being a woman" on a pedestal. And while I fully support worshipping women, putting womanhood on a pedestal skews your understanding of it and undermines your perceived ability to achieve it. As others have said, explore this with a gender affirming therapist. If transitioning doesn't feel right in your heart or soul, maybe this therapist can help you identify a method of self expression that will.

[u/indigoscrayonbox]

Seconding a the other comments recommending both therapy and looking into gender dysphoria. A lot of what you've described sounds a lot like how I felt before I transitioned (I'm a trans man), and even if you figure out you aren't trans or non-binary, it doesn't hurt to try to experiment with your gender identity and presentation just to see if you feel a bit more comfortable in your skin, or to talk to members of the trans community to see if you can make sense of your experiences. Whatever it is, I highly recommend therapy, or at least talking to someone you trust about your feelings of guilt and envy. It'll be hard, but you'll be better for it. I promise.

Stay safe out there!

[u/Crowmob1]

Friend, I know you said you aren't trans and non-binary, but cisgendered men don't wish they were women.

That said, I'm afab and have had very close friendships with men. My defenses were up in the beginning of those relationships, but when I saw that they treated me as an equal, they lowered. You can have female friends.

[u/Historical_Amount_84]

I am a trans man. I am your direct opposite. For my whole life, I’ve shown no signs of wanting to be a boy. But I know. In my heart, I know. I’m not saying you’re the exact same as me, but I am saying that our experiences sound very, very similar.

A desperate yearning to be a woman is a sign you really could be one. You don’t need to have crossdressed, or done any stereotypically feminine things. You don’t even need to like or want to wear dresses. You’re not too old, and there’s no such thing as a male or female soul. It’s just you.

Don’t force yourself into either side if you’re this terrified. Learn to love you. And please, please seek therapy. Not the repressive kind, but the kind that encourages you to explore yourself in a safe area.
My heart and my love goes out to you. I’m so sorry you’re in a dangerous situation to discover this about yourself.

[u/tomthetrain328]

People have given a lot of advice so I just want to say that it’s never too late for anything. There’s always time to try or explore new things! And sometimes things don’t have to be public, they can be just for you in private simply because you like it. I saw something that said along the lines of how constantly thinking about something has more of an impact on you than actually just doing the thing! Theres no right or wrong way to be a man! Same goes for someone who is a trans woman. Just try new things little by little and see how you feel

[u/TryingoutSamantha]

Hey sis, you’re not a weirdo. So to share experiences with you, while I did cross dress occasionally as a teen, I too never thought of myself as a girl or wanted to be a girl growing up. I thought gender bending stuff was hot and that was all there was till it wasn’t.

Listen I can’t promise you anything, I can’t promise how things will turn out if you try transitioning, but I started hormones at 33, 30 isn’t too late. What is a masculine hobby or taste? So many things are masculine or feminine cause of bs societal constructs. Body hair can be gotten rid (and a bunch of mine never grew back after I got on HRT. And I had. Hairy chest before all this I have pictured to prove it.) features can change though you may be thinking it’s worse than it is because you’re just stuck in this negative place. Voice can be worked on and pitch isn’t end all be all so you don’t need to get a super high pitch to have a feminine voice.

If you ever want to chat hit me up and I’ll respond when i can.

[u/DoubleEspresso95]

I am in a very similar position to you for different (hopefully) reasons. I have always been in female friendgroups and I have never really connected with most men due to some personal trauma I esperienced growing up. Nothing horrible but enough to just make me generally uncomfortable with men.

Yes the initial reaction you will get from any woman is mistrust and general wairiness.. you can't blame them.. but they are people too and they often realize pretty quickly that you want to be their genuine friend.

Plus most women in real life are not black and white misandrist and even if we can ALL agree that the patriarchy is bad we (me but also most women with some common sense) don't really believe that this equates to men being by default all monsters. Actually most people and most women too believe that blatant black and white misandry is pointless ragebait that actively hurts feminism significantly justifying any male negative action under "their nature" and refusing to believe men are actually capable of understanding right from wrong.

So I want you to forget this internet crap about men being all terrible monsters, yes we are perceived as potential danger but only initially. And I would like to chip in my own experience that you can absolutely have female best friend and experience sisterhood. Even better it will be a unique sisterhood for you since there are women out there who actually are in our flipped situation if you can believe it! They connect with men more, never felt that other women were all that much sisters with them, but are afraid of entering male spaces because we can be dangerous.

Every friendship is unique and it doesn't have to be tinted by gender. Find a friend that makes you feel like she is your sister. It's possible and she won't dismiss you just for your gender.

Also to everyone saying that he is actually trans, no he is not, he said so and said he is a man in clear words. All trans people I know know use very different wording like I wish my body was different I wish I had different genitals it's never about wanting to not be perceived as a man while being in a man body, it's about wanting to be a woman in a woman body. And that is not his experience

[u/Charmander3141]

You dont have to have felt like a girl when you were wrong or ever cross dress to be trans. And theres nothing wrong with having more "masculine" tastes and hobbies, opinions and hobbies dont have genders. I'm a trans man and my girlfriend is a trans woman, neither of us had the specific notion that we were in the wrong body when we were younger, transitiong was just something we felt comfort with, and despite how scary it can be I know neither of us would make a different decision if we could go back in time. We both often have interests and opinions that might align with our birth gender, that doesn't make me any less of a man or her any less of a woman.

All this to say, only you can decide if you're trans or not, don't let an internet stranger tell you who you are. But in my expert opinion, experimenting with your gender might help you find some comfort. It is never too late to be who you are. The best time to plant a tree was five years ago, the second best time is now. 💙🤍💓

[u/lazygerm]

Non-binary is a spectrum.

If you don't feel "male" for whatever reason you can identify as non-binary. It does not mean changing how you look or act outwardly.

Personally, at times in my life, I've felt like I would have been a better woman than a man. Even now I flirt with the idea of being non-binary. Not because of some type of body dysmorphia. I like my body, I feel like it's me.

But I also have never felt like a super-gendered male. I've just felt like me, not necessary associated with a gender. I'm also gay, so I'm sure that's a component of it as well.

My suggestion would be to just find a way of thinking about yourself that gives you peace.

[u/nottheblackhat]

I am a cis woman, so this is not something that I claim to know 100%, but what you are describing sounds exactly like what several of my trans women girl-friends felt and thought before they realized that they are in fact women.

maybe this is something worth exploring? Just for the peace of your own mind? you can always reach out to the trans community. my trans friends are the kindest and bravest people I know.

And no matter if you are a man, a woman, or a non-binary person, the most important thing is to be kind to yourself and others. you are not responsible for the global sin of mankind

[u/TrueRedditMartyr]

I'd just end up looking like a man in a dress and no one would accept or respect me. Plus I'm nearly 30. I'm too old to change any of that now.

Live your truth brother. Be who you are and youll find those who accept you for it. Right now youre being soneone it seems your not, and youre finding those who accept you for that, but youre afraid they won't accept you for anything else

[u/Vegetable_Rock_6194 → u/TrueRedditMartyr]

There is always still time my friend. It's never too late

[u/telos_Asparagus_88]

My best friend is 34. They came out as non-binary, erm, last year? or the year before? (I don't do time very well, but it was recent.) It's never too late to transition! It is tougher when older, but it's worth working for.

[u/DigitalWraithToly]

So I just want to float something by you very gently as some food for thought -

As a trans man I used to feel the same way about my brother growing up. A lot of what you are saying sounds like things I would have said prior to coming out with the pronouns reversed.

I thought it was because of manhood and how men got treated ‘better’ but with time, transition and therapy I realized my feelings were misplaced and my main issue was that I was not being treated that way which hurt and made me angry as a closeted trans man who wasn’t really aware of that fact yet. The gender politics were just way easier for my brain to grab onto because I didn’t really have a good concept of what a trans man was yet or that that was a possibility for me. (Born in 1990, transitioned at 31)

You’re the expert on yourself and I’m not here to push you in any direction - but I feel it would be remiss of me to not point out the really striking similarities I’m seeing between how you’re describing your experiences and my own. Perhaps a little more reflection with that in mind might help you be able to sort your feelings better or offer a new perspective for you to consider.

Again, I might absolutely be 110% wrong and that’s okay - I am offering this without knowing whether this information will be helpful to you - but I can’t help but feel it’s worth mentioning.

Also ETA: what I wouldn’t do for a kapsalon - only had them for a while when I was in the Netherlands as I’m American and I miss them. Figures the only way to make kebab better is by throwing a bunch of melted cheese on it lmao.

[u/kimpossibleburger]

As a trans woman that started transition at age 30, I just gotta say, this all sounds incredibly trans.

I don’t know what a “woman’s soul” is. I didn’t have a deep sense of “girl trapped in boys body.” I experienced it as a deep longing. Like you. It’s a really, really common experience for trans women.

The whole “I always knew” thing, while true for some people, was more just what we had to tell psychiatrists to get them to believe us and give us hormones back in the day.

Your hobbies and interests don’t dictate your gender. Tomboys are a thing. Trans women can also be tomboys.

It’s never too late. I was a 6’3”, pretty muscular, very hairy, very depressed guy. I look completely different now. People treat me like a woman. I experience sisterhood. It’s been hard and it’s been work, but it’s so much better on the other side.

Life’s too short to live it as someone else.

[u/TulipFarmer27]

Join a garden club.

[u/WoodenAssist7642]

I wish more men were feminine. I hate all the aggression and stoicism. It causes so many problems in this world.

[u/SatirreDraws]

Souls have gender now. Great. Okay, just so we're clear: many (most?) trans people wouldn't say they have a "female/male soul". It is more complex than that. I suggest you unpack your self hatred and give yourself a chance to figure out if you wouldn't be happier living as a woman. 

[u/Ordinary_Soup7979]

Believe me, you really don’t want a period.

[u/MaybeAdrian → u/Ordinary_Soup7979]

Ok but what about being able to post in r/GirlDinnerDiaries freely? That surely compensates it.

[u/Ordinary_Soup7979 → u/MaybeAdrian]

Oh i hate that subreddit. I left and never looked back.

[u/Natural_Artichoke_88 → u/Ordinary_Soup7979]

Can i ask about the reason?

[u/Ordinary_Soup7979 → u/Ordinary_Soup7979]

I also want to say, you see men as monsters but there are MANY good men out there. Not all of them are bad, and I truly do love men and they can be really wonderful. Stay away from manosphere men and befriend good men, read autobiography such as Teddy Roosevelts (I just started reading his), be apart of your community- start volunteering and making friends with all genders. Also, the internet can be a toxic place, it may be a good opportunity for you to detox from it. I’m about to! Good luck, friend!

[u/AbbreviationsSea7955 → u/Ordinary_Soup7979]

incredibly out of pocket and insensitive thing to say, unprompted, to a person who’s clearly experiencing distress from what is likely some flavour of gender dysphoria. don’t do that.

[u/anwhalokleeiat]

Weird fucking post man, weird. I am a man who has two sisters and most of my friends throughout my entire life have been girls with the exception of two close male friends. I present as a regular dude and have always and will always be heterosexual, though gay/bi guys have tried at me before. I am the only male in a group chat with my 4 of my female friends called "sisters". I grew up playing with polly pockets and fur real friends with my sisters and cousins (all girls except one gay male). I've been with 20+ girls, some dated some just sex. Been on girls nights, been the one to protect/stand up for my loved ones in compromising times, I've been helped nurtered, raised, and spoiled by the women in my life and even had some less positive experiences like having my favorite teacher of all time who was a female make a sexual advance on me in front of one of my best friends. And never once did I feel jealous of their inherent physical/social status as a woman. This post reads as a woman hater or an undiscovered transgender. Figure yourself out or get it together but this post is very creepy.

(Edit): I also meant to say: your actions are yours alone and if you want people to accept you regardless of who they are you need to love yourself first. Also not all men are the same and not all women are the same, be who you are.

[u/Sudden_Literature_95]

Most men who post on this sub seem to be closeted gay. Which is fine if you are, but the amount of subliminal messaging on 90% of posts here is too much to be a coincidence.

[u/LaffingAtYuo → u/Sudden_Literature_95]

I read these posts and it gives me pause. First I start thinking that maybe I'm just old and from a different time, then maybe I'm just an insensitive monster, then I take a step back and say..... naaaah.

[u/Sudden_Literature_95 → u/LaffingAtYuo]

Personally, I think most of the posts here are now fantasy fiction from women who hate men. There is no way so many men are so completely lost and weak. No way.

[u/AbbreviationsSea7955 → u/Sudden_Literature_95]

it’s a selection bias: the ones who aren’t distressed or going through some shit in their lives are significantly less likely to post at all.

[u/Sudden_Literature_95 → u/AbbreviationsSea7955]

Why is this so different in the girldinnerdiaries sub? The women there seem to be winning. Almost everyone here seems to be losing. Badly.

[u/AbbreviationsSea7955 → u/Sudden_Literature_95]

there’s a ton of vent posts in there too, but overall i think men are just not doing well at all right now for reasons that are largely systemic and not their fault. i do see happier posts fairly regularly here though, but they are probably 20% of the content at most

[u/LaffingAtYuo → u/AbbreviationsSea7955]

Right, I'd agree. I keep wanting to look away because it's so uncomfortable but it's the wrong thing to do.

[u/Fresque → u/Sudden_Literature_95]

You think so? 90% of the posts there seem to be about a man.

I wouldnt call that "winning"

[u/Sudden_Literature_95 → u/Fresque]

Yeah but not about them being treated badly, abused, cheated on or otherwise turned into a pile of nothing by men.

[u/backcountrykicks228]

Man the posts on this sub get more pathetic and cringy every day. OP do us all a favor and get transition surgery then fuck off and dont come back here. Thank you.

[u/BABOOWIE → u/backcountrykicks228]

Damn thats a little harsh dont you think? Why are you even in this community?

[u/backcountrykicks228 → u/BABOOWIE]

Did you even read OPs post? He's a self-hating anti-male man-child who went into a sob story about how tragic it is that he'll never get to feel unprivileged. Its the cringiest shit ive seen on reddit all year, and aside from maybe you, nobody here wants to read any of it.

Hes like those freaks you see on TikTok and Instagram that get down on their knees and film themselves licking the feet of minorities, usually black men, to show "respect" for all of the injustices their "white privilege" has caused.

[u/BABOOWIE → u/backcountrykicks228]

Jeez dude. You also seem very confused about your sexuality. Typically the kind of people who spew this kind of stuff are self-hating closeted types. You might want to think long and hard about what you just said. You might discover something about yourself. People who are happy with themselves don't get so upset about other people's posts

Whether youre gay or transgender or something else youre clearly in denial about who you are

[u/backcountrykicks228 → u/BABOOWIE]

What a ridiculous comment. To confidentially accuse me of being sexually confused simply because I dont want to read "woe is me" anti-male comments on a subreddit specifically for men. This place exists for men to talk about actual problems, not say weird shit like wanting to be know what its like to be oppressed lmao. You and OP are both very weird people for thinking that is normal.

[u/BABOOWIE → u/backcountrykicks228]

You didnt need to read it. You didnt need to comment. And yet, here we are. Youre incredibly outraged over something that literally doesnt affect you at all... unless 👀

[u/backcountrykicks228 → u/BABOOWIE]

Same applies to you buddy. And yet, here you are replying to me.

[u/BABOOWIE → u/backcountrykicks228]

Oh im not that bothered. Like I said, I mostly feel bad for you. I dont know how you could read this and be so angry. Its literally something im not comprehending. How can you get so upset over someone else's post? I cant grasp it.

[u/backcountrykicks228 → u/BABOOWIE]

Well you dont need to because I dont hate myself or my gender or my sex. For liberal redditors though, I know that is a hard concept to understand. What with all those made up social anxiety disorders everyone here suffers from, 98 different genders to choose from, and general doomerism on here.

[u/BABOOWIE → u/backcountrykicks228]

You leaving reddit

https://giphy.com/gifs/FhbukHmFBiMzC

[u/secretly_human3]

It sounds like you have a lot of hatred for yourself. I don’t know where that’s coming from.

As for sisterhood…..yes, some women do team up against the patriarchy. For the most part though, there is not one giant sisterhood the way you imagine. It would be great if there was, but unfortunately there are also a lot of women who do not support each other and stab each other in the back. Sometimes this is for the approval of men, sometimes this is to get ahead in other areas. I personally have learned to be extremely selective about the women I trust. I think you may have painted the grass a little greener here.

The good news is that you can still be friends with women. Will the dynamic be exactly the same? No, but that’s not necessarily a problem.

Yes, people like you have hurt women. That doesn’t mean YOU have to hurt women. Educate yourself to make sure you aren’t making the same mistakes. That’s all anyone could do. It would be like me hating myself for being a white person.

[u/Entropei → u/secretly_human3]

Is it not obvious where it’s coming from? Boys and men are constantly confronted with discourse about how terrible men are. We also constantly see men who are terrible because both social and traditional media constantly highlight them. It really shouldn’t surprise anyone that after 20 years of “man bad”, some men actually internalise that they are bad for being a man.

[u/secretly_human3 → u/Entropei]

I have not seen this for the past 20 years at all. It’s only been for the last few that I have seen women start to speak out (i.e. The very earliest was probably the me too movement and after that). Most of that discourse seems to be online. In the meantime there has been a growing popularity of red pill narratives out there as well stoking the other side of the gender wars. It’s not one-sided.

Women are angry, men are angry. Some hate the other side and speak in generalizations. Some see the points that are being made and recognize that it’s part of the picture and not the whole thing.

Men are not “bad”, but the patriarchy is not a system that benefits women. Recognizing that is not the same as blaming all men or attacking them.

Do some attack men? Of course. And some men are out there bashing women. I recommend that you and OP avoid those and stick to factual information instead.

[u/Entropei → u/secretly_human3]

You literally said in your post “Yes, people like you have hurt women”, so your reply here seems disingenuous. You attack men and then discount their lived experience. I understand that it’s normal to you. It’s normal to men too and it’s being internalised. And that’s not all bad, men need to hear and internalise some of these messages. It just shouldn’t come as a surprise that the negative discourse can cause some men to feel very negative about themselves and their gender.

You may have only seen “man bad” since #metoo but even that is almost a decade ago. I heard it constantly while growing up and I’m almost 40. It’s everywhere.

When you come into a male space I think it would be beneficial for you to actually listen and understand. This is not the place to preach your message. Believe it or not, the majority of men have heard it and are with you.

[u/severi_erkko]

Friend, welcome to r/bropill

You should repost it there and get answers from some awesome dudes.

[u/Peachkin-Sparkle]

Gender roles suck. Do what you want, the rules are made up. Women enjoy that, feel safe around it, and are attracted to it. You’ll find your soul sisters and brothers.

[u/Bomb_Guy_69]

Life is gendered, there’s no getting around it. Being dangerous is not bad in and of itself; when used properly, it’s actually quite positive for everyone in your community.

Men and women have complimentary skills and abilities, and we should be grateful and proud that we do. We have to work together and love one another to make society, and especially family, work. We may not get much of a choice in which one we get, but we get to use those strengths to help everyone we love.

Lean into those strengths. You’re viewing men, and masculinity, as inherently negative. We’re not, and never have been. Use the ability to be dangerous to be protective of those who can’t protect themselves; use your hobbies and skills to make and build things people around you need and want.

And not least, never forget to appreciate the ability to piss in the woods without having to squat, it’s amazing.

[u/Maximinoe]

https://giphy.com/gifs/clAsyya5GJsPq4nJYk

[u/PartFree1147]

Buddy get out of your head
You seem so concerned on what other people see and think
Being a man isn’t about being dangerous
It’s not about all the other atrocities other men committed

Brother it’s about being a good person. You have the means to be strong. Protective. Loving.

Children should feel safe around you. The younger generation should look up to you

Embrace your gifts and look to be better everyday

Alternatively
If you don’t feel right in your body, change it.
Just be carful. Don’t makes rash decision and mutilate yourself
Love yourself a bit more. And don’t be hard on yourself
Do right by you and others.

Be safe.

[u/Unfair-Priority8831 → u/PartFree1147]

Don’t make rash decision and mutilate yourself

It sounds like your heart is in the right place, but there has to be a better way to say this.

[u/Timmsworld]

You need to man up

[u/Various_Cat1763 → u/Timmsworld]

Literally.

[u/sour_heart8]

I think this is a very common thought for trans and cis folks alike (transman here). Envying life as another gender. I guess the difference for me as a trans person was how badly I wanted that to be my everyday life. But I have had many cis people mention like “I’m so jealous that women talk to each other about deep stuff” or “I wish I could flirt with a guy as a guy”. I guess it comes down to how deep that desire is, and as you said, how you feel in your soul.

You don’t have to like feminine hobbies or wanted to wear dresses as a kid to be trans. Not all women identify with femininity, just like as a man, I don’t fully identify with masculine hobbies—I still love beauty products and spa days just as much as I did before transitioning many years ago. But a lot of cismen like beauty products and spa days too! Hobbies don’t really have a gender, except what certain people try to place on them. But those feelings of sisterhood and female friendships, I do think that is unique to a woman’s experience and is okay for that to be something you want or envy.

I’d say I felt the same towards male friendships as a young person, and now that I’ve transitioned I have experienced both of them. It’s no longer an envy for me, it’s something I get to appreciate all the time, that people see me as a guy in the friendship. And yes it’s true that different friendships feel different based on the gender involved, but I’ve had some very loving, talk about our feelings friendships with guys and some very “never talk about deep things but I know they have my back” friendships with women. I think a large part of that is being friends with queer and trans people, but yeah, I’ll just say that friendship is not quite as one-note as some people think it is!

[u/sour_heart8 → u/sour_heart8]

To clarify, on the common thought being envy of life as the other gender. I think people feel like they can open up to me bc I’m trans, so that may be why I hear that thought more. I don’t think feeling that way necessarily means the speaker is cis or trans.

[u/Fresque → u/[deleted]]

Woah, this could be interpreted in really, REALLY, problematic ways.

[u/Fresque → u/[deleted]]

I just wish society would make up its mind about gender roles. We either keep them or we don't, but not both, and certainly not the "roles for thee but not for me" crap.

[u/BoyDinnerDiaries-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your submission has been removed for violating Rule 7: No Gender-War or Extremist Content.

Content whose primary purpose is to attack, generalize, or promote hostility toward any gender, group, or ideology is not permitted. We encourage thoughtful discussion, not culture-war content.

If you believe this removal was made in error, please contact the moderators through modmail.

[u/BoyDinnerDiaries-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your submission has been removed for violating Rule 4: Be Respectful.

Personal attacks, harassment, insults, or abusive behavior toward other users are not permitted. Disagreement is welcome, but it must remain civil.

If you believe this removal was made in error, please contact the moderators through modmail.

[u/BoyDinnerDiaries-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your submission has been removed for violating Rule 4: Be Respectful.

Personal attacks, harassment, insults, or abusive behavior toward other users are not permitted. Disagreement is welcome, but it must remain civil.

If you believe this removal was made in error, please contact the moderators through modmail.