Need Some Encouragement Something is Missing
New to Reddit so I don’t know if this is the right subreddit or anything but I need to ground myself and talk this out. any advice or relatabulity is appreciated
So I've dealt with derealisation/depersonalization (not diagnosed, but im fairly certain) for quite some time. nothing bad has happened that I can pinpoint, I’d say I had a really good childhood but it started around COVID, when I had some other issues.
Recently ive moved to college, new city, etc. Its my first time on my own and this really doesnt feel like its happening To me
Ive never really had a passion for learning or doing anything to a point of a career. I have interests, but not to a degree that I would want to do that for the next 4 yrs, not to mention possibly the rest of my life.
I think this comes from not being able to imagine my future. It sounds grim but since I turned around 14/15, i havent been able to imagine my future. When i was 9, i could image being 11, when i was 11 i could imagine what it would be like to be 12, etc. But I couldnt imagine what it would be like to be 16,17,18 etc. I still cant picture my life in the future.
I remember when I was stuck in quarantine I had my first major derealisation "episode". I was sitting on the floor and I looked down at my hands and felt like they werent mine. Its hard to explain to someones whos never felt it, but it feels like im watching a movie of day to day life through someone elses eyes.
This was also around the time I began not being able to picture myself in my future. I joked that I would just black out on my 16th birthday, but ofc i didnt.
To tie this back to the beginning, I feel like something is missing. Like theres an itch I just cant scratch and its been driving me crazy the past couple days. I dont know how to describe it. It’s like theres something I need to do in order to get over this block. Except I dont know what that something is. it also feels like im not getting enough sleep (which i am, but i still always feel tired)
Its a weird parallel to draw, and I wouldn't know how addiction feels, but this "something is missing" feeling feels like "I need a drink/smoke" if I did have an addiction For the past few days ive been debating buying cigarrettes which is stupid, and I know I shouldnt. Ive never smoked, i dont want to start a bad habit, but at this point i feel like i need to redirect my mind onto something else.
Everything’s been feeling so cloudy lately. and i have tests coming up i need to study for but im having a hard time mustering up the will to do anything.
I still havent truly processed that Im in college, that ive made a FOUR year commitment.
And honestly, a commitment to something im not even truly passionate about. I lied to everyone saying I find this subject interesting. I dont. maybe not yet, im not sure. I chose path this because its a good career, which is the whole point of college. I know people dont get jobs because its their destiny, they get jobs to make money. Which is my thought process, but it worries me that Theres really nothing I WANT to do. I enjoy doing things, I play music except I dont want to learn new pieces to play. I feel like I cant get over the difficulty phase of things, so I avoid doing it at all.
I dont want to deal with anything that comes with existing, and not to say that its not worth it, but sometimes it feels like that.
This doesnt feel real, and nothings felt "real" in a while, and I fear that the day I "snap back" into reality, I'll realise that this isnt what I wanted at all, that ive made the wrong decision 5, 7 , 10 years ago and now im years behind the point of changing the course of my life.
I feel that fear already, even though im young, not even in my early 20s, but living this life feels like its not mine. The choices I make dont effect ME, even though this /is/ MY life. It feels like the life im experiencing is the life im watching through someone elses eyes.
Anyway, I needed to get this out of my system. Thanks
1
u/Artistic-Coach7523 10h ago
Covid WAS traumatic, and people who say otherwise are lying to themselves.
You need to find a therapist ASAP, reddit is not going to help you sort this out. Try to get one through your school.
If you don’t want to study this subject, switch subjects, switch schools, hell defer a year, it’s your life. You don’t have to just keep doing what was laid out.
Life as an adult doesn’t have a roadmap
Feel free to DM, i’m 37 and been through a lot, college was a really weird time. I’m here if u need someone to talk to.