It went to Uranus searching for Klingons

A Rooster yells "Cock-a-doodle-doo!"

Your Mom screams " Any cock will do!"

A husband is at home watching a football game , when his wife interrupts, " Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, " Fix the light now? Does it look like I have a Sparky Repairs logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

The wife then asks, "Well then, could you quickly fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have a Westinghouse Service logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

"Fine. " she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're really wobbly and unstable."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the stairs now. ," he says "Does it look like I have a Bunnings Hardware logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so! I've had enough of you. I'm off to the pub to watch the game in peace. "

So he goes to the pub for a couple of hours, until he starts to feel guilty about his behaviour to his wife and decides to go home and help out.

As he walks in, he notices the steps are fixed and sound, the hall light is on and not flickering, and as he goes to get a beer from the fridge, the the door is repaired and closing properly.
"Honey, how did you get all the jobs fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside on the steps and cried. A nice young man saw me and asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake him a cake."

The husband asked," So what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied" Hellooo...Do you see Sarah Lee written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

Become a catholic priest. 

Have them now!

called into the chairman's office one by one until only Stansworth, the most junior member, was left waiting outside.

Finally, it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down, the chairman turned to Stansworth, looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, “Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?”

“Oh, no, sir, positively not!” Stansworth replied.

Are you sure?” asked the chairman.

“Honest, I’ve never been close enough to even touch her!”

“You’d swear to that?”

“Yes, I swear I’ve never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere.”

“Good, then *you* fire her!”

He made them an offer they couldn’t understand.

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of coke fall out of a window.

After the WW1, a famous English fighter pilot Ace, is enjoying a picnic at his estate with a beautiful woman. After eating and laying on the charm, he asks to kiss her. Being quite smitten by his good looks, she happily accepts. He drips a rich merlot on her lips and proceeds to kiss her. After a few moments, she works up the nerve to ask “your lips are amazing, but what’s with the wine?”

He replies, “I am Charles the fighter pilot. When I taste red meat, I must have red wine.”

Things progress, and it turns into a full make out session. Eventually, her blouse comes off. He drizzles drops of a rare vintage Chardonnay on her chest and proceeds to lap them up. After a couple minutes she coos, “You’re so talented with your tongue, but what’s with the wine?”

“I am Charles the fighter pilot. When I taste white meat, I must have white wine.”

At this point, she’s completely smitten with him. Their remaining clothes are coming off and they’re ready to get busy. As she lies down, he grabs a bottle of Cognac, splashes a generous amount on her pubes, strikes a match, and FOOOOOM.... sets her crotch ablaze.

She instantly runs and jumps into the nearby lake. She stomps out of the water, screaming “Why the F%€# did you do that?!?!??”

“I am Charles the fighter pilot. When I go down, I go down in flames.”

Joaquin pheonix introducing himself:

hey! the names Pheonix, and no.. i'm NOT Joaquin 😂

Let me know what you guys think.

I asked a woman with perfect pitch what was so good about her vibrator.
She said “it hits G.”

Variants:

I asked a woman with perfect pitch which setting she keeps her vibrator on
She said “the one that hits G”

I asked a woman with perfect pitch which setting she keeps her vibrator on
She said “there’s this great one that hits G”.

I asked a girl with perfect pitch which setting she keeps her vibrator on
She said “any, as long as they hit G”

I asked a girl with perfect pitch how to tell whether you have a good vibrator
She said “the only thing that’s important is that they can hit G”

When I asked Claude to perfect it, it came up with:

What setting does a woman with perfect pitch keep her vibrator on?

G. She says it just... hits different.

And

I asked a woman with perfect pitch why she loved her vibrator so much. She said it's in G. I didn't ask how she knew.

The monkeys hurled flaming feces at patrons. Three individuals suffered turd-degree burns.

One’s a family activity and one’s a board game

Hillbilly Vasectomy

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin did not want to have any more children.

...

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but was very expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it,

put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb

in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count....

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, Missouri, West Virginia and some parts of Texas!

On their first day there their young son went off to explore the site.

Some time later he came back to the tent and said,

"Wow, Mom! You should see some of those girls."

"They've got these HUGE..."

"Yes, well." His mother snaps. "The larger they are, the dumber the woman."

Next day the boy comes back to the tent again.

"Mom, You wouldn't believe some of the guys out there."

"They have these HUGE..."

"Yes, well, like I said, the bigger they are, the dumber the man." Says his mother.

"Really?" The boy said, frowning and looking puzzled. "Well it looks like we might be in trouble then, Mom."

"Why, honey?" Asks his mom.

"Because Dad's out there talking to a really stupid girl, and he's getting dumber by the minute."

🤣😂🤣😂

Every once in a while, you come across a piece of shit.

My grandfather always said, “You can’t take money with you when you die.”

So when he passed away, the whole family gathered around his casket to say goodbye. My uncle slipped in a hundred dollar bill. My aunt added fifty. Everyone looked at me, so I wrote Grandpa a check for $5,000 and took the cash.
He would’ve been proud.

He was the one who taught me about inheritance.