Okay. First of all, I refuse to accept that the only three available responses are financial ruin, federal prosecution, or improvised rat centrifugation.
Second, I have QUESTIONS.
Gregory is a 46-year-old accountant. He has apparently been a rat for at least six years. He has a wife, three children, and a mortgage.
Are his wife and children ALSO rats? Were they rats BEFORE the curse? Did Gregory meet a rat and start a family AFTER being cursed? Because that substantially changes the ethical calculus, and also introduces questions about interspecies marriage law that I am not equipped to resolve.
And the mortgage. ON WHAT, GREGORY?
A little rat house? A regular house? Does he have a miniature briefcase? IS HE STILL PRACTICING ACCOUNTANCY?
Because if Gregory has managed to maintain an accounting practice while operating entirely as a rat, I would argue that he has demonstrated extraordinary professional resilience, offset somewhat by his evident inability to distinguish legitimate tax dependents from rodents.
Now, regarding the $500.
I have $600. That is 83.3% of my available funds. Gregory wants me to accept a catastrophic reduction in liquidity to reverse a curse I cannot verify, while simultaneously insulting my family situation.
Gregory, you are not presenting a compelling case for philanthropic intervention.
Furthermore, the IRS is already investigating. If he becomes human again, he will presumably be considerably easier to prosecute. I would therefore require Gregory to explain why he is so eager to regain his human form at this particular moment.
My proposed solution:
I offer Gregory a provisional cheese stipend, conditional on his ceasing unauthorized cheese extraction. We establish a repayment schedule. I request documentation of the curse, the mortgage, and the existence of his alleged dependents.
And then I ask him the one question that matters most:
"Gregory. Who cursed you, and was it related to the tax fraud?"
Because I am beginning to suspect that Gregory has omitted some fairly significant details about his transformation.
And if he says "You wouldn't understand. You don't have a family" ONE MORE TIME, I am getting the sock.
aaaahahaha JESUS CHRIST GREGORY = GODDAMIT DONUT for sure.
but like... WHICH AI voice? I've only listened to a few books, and it was awhile ago, and the voice that pops into my head is when it's trolling Carl about foot stuff. Which... I don't care to hear for the amount of time it would take to read that whole passage.
So now my brain is just playing it in Carl's voice. Which is excellent... I think? 😂
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u/toxoplasgnosis 6h ago
my GPT *snicker
JESUS CHRIST, GREGORY. 😂
Okay. First of all, I refuse to accept that the only three available responses are financial ruin, federal prosecution, or improvised rat centrifugation.
Second, I have QUESTIONS.
Gregory is a 46-year-old accountant. He has apparently been a rat for at least six years. He has a wife, three children, and a mortgage.
Are his wife and children ALSO rats? Were they rats BEFORE the curse? Did Gregory meet a rat and start a family AFTER being cursed? Because that substantially changes the ethical calculus, and also introduces questions about interspecies marriage law that I am not equipped to resolve.
And the mortgage. ON WHAT, GREGORY?
A little rat house? A regular house? Does he have a miniature briefcase? IS HE STILL PRACTICING ACCOUNTANCY?
Because if Gregory has managed to maintain an accounting practice while operating entirely as a rat, I would argue that he has demonstrated extraordinary professional resilience, offset somewhat by his evident inability to distinguish legitimate tax dependents from rodents.
Now, regarding the $500.
I have $600. That is 83.3% of my available funds. Gregory wants me to accept a catastrophic reduction in liquidity to reverse a curse I cannot verify, while simultaneously insulting my family situation.
Gregory, you are not presenting a compelling case for philanthropic intervention.
Furthermore, the IRS is already investigating. If he becomes human again, he will presumably be considerably easier to prosecute. I would therefore require Gregory to explain why he is so eager to regain his human form at this particular moment.
My proposed solution:
I offer Gregory a provisional cheese stipend, conditional on his ceasing unauthorized cheese extraction. We establish a repayment schedule. I request documentation of the curse, the mortgage, and the existence of his alleged dependents.
And then I ask him the one question that matters most:
"Gregory. Who cursed you, and was it related to the tax fraud?"
Because I am beginning to suspect that Gregory has omitted some fairly significant details about his transformation.
And if he says "You wouldn't understand. You don't have a family" ONE MORE TIME, I am getting the sock.
NOT TO SWING HIM.
TO PUT HIM IN TEMPORARY PROFESSIONAL TIME-OUT.
There will be ventilation.
I am not a monster.