I don't know how to fix this

[u/Br0KeNPixY]

Last night my husband and I were cuddling and he was being his normal loving self talking about all the things he finds sexy and attractive about me. He then asked me what I find most attractive about him and I paused in panic. What answer was he looking for? A specific physical attribute? What physical attributes of his do I find sexy? Then I realized I paused too long and said his personality. He then clarified and said he meant physically. Further panic ensues and I blurt out, "Nothing really."

Now let me say that "nothing really" is wholeheartedly inaccurate. The reason I panicked is because for me, it's deeper than physical and I didn't have enough time to process all my thoughts. I don't just find his eyes attractive, I love how expressive they are. I don't just find his strong arms attractive, I love the way they make me feel safe and loved. I don't just find his lips attractive because they make me wanna kiss him, I also love how I can tell just what his smile means from a subtle difference in how his lips curl.

We are both AuDHD but obviously human so of course my response was not taken well. He's understandably very upset. I did explain to him what I said above but I don't know if it helped or even if he believes me.

I feel sick and can't stop crying because I love this man more than life itself. I wouldn't still be with him after 15 years if I didn't find him attractive.

[u/Conscious-Break7483]

I think you could write him a letter with all your favourite things about him. It would allow you to think about what you love. Also I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sounds exactly like something I would do 💕

[u/Br0KeNPixY → u/Conscious-Break7483]

Thank you! That's a great idea. Instead of continuing to probably make it worse by texting him how sorry I am and I didn't mean it the way it sounded.

[u/DebutantDismay → u/Br0KeNPixY]

Yeah at this point I would just go with the letter approach and explain within it that you got overwhelmed on the spot and froze up and then just be very specific in the letter

[u/bluehour1997]

Now let me say that "nothing really" is wholeheartedly inaccurate. The reason I panicked is because for me, it's deeper than physical and I didn't have enough time to process all my thoughts. I don't just find his eyes attractive, I love how expressive they are. I don't just find his strong arms attractive, I love the way they make me feel safe and loved. I don't just find his lips attractive because they make me wanna kiss him, I also love how I can tell just what his smile means from a subtle difference in how his lips curl.

This is beautiful, elaborate on this and give it to him. Hand written might be the way to go.

I've also done almost exactly this before. Words are hard. Don't beat yourself up

[u/Tall-Winter2507]

Show him this post.

[u/seriouspeep]

My partner and I had a similar conversation recently. I was trying to say when I'm just doing regular stuff, like zipping up a coat or bending over to get something, that I don't really like "appreciative" comments on my body even positive ones.

It's not his fault, but decades of being seen as a piece of meat, being objectified by countless random men makes this sort of interaction just devoid of sexy fun for me.

He's a very visually aroused person, and I'm not. It's all contextual for me. When he asked if I find him attractive in the same sort of way, I started with "Not really" 😅 But I did go on to say that it's because I don't find any bodies or body parts attractive by themselves, and I find it kind of baffling when people do. I find actions - communication, safety, consent and thoughtfulness - to be attractive sexy things. All of those things are active turn-ons for me.

I just don't look at a good butt and go mmm that's a good sexy butt, like my partner, although I can assess the objective theoretically appealing nature of said butt. But I DO go weak at the knees for a gentle request to be kissed, and the lips the request is coming from then become sexy lips. 😅 I don't know if I'm explaining it right, it certainly took us like an hour of conversation for me to explain what I meant!

Basically there is a WORLD of difference between "There's nothing about you I find attractive" and "There's nothing most attractive because I love all of it" or "We're using the word "attractive" in different ways - I'm just not visually attracted to people like that; attractiveness is all about the choices they make and the associations I have with them, and the ones I have with you are wonderful"

Just tell him how you feel. Show him your post if you don't have the words, it's beautiful! ❤️

[u/Br0KeNPixY → u/seriouspeep]

You make total sense. While I do find physical attributes sexy/attractive on strangers, it's different with him. He's the love of my life and no longer just "a piece of meat" as they say.

[u/Imasillynut_2]

I would have just said, "Your butt." and stopped there, so I feel you.

Absolutely write him a letter. What you said in your post was so heartwarming and loving.

Also stop apologizing. You have and now you are going to repair. That's all you need to do. Any more apologizing and it's because you feel bad and not because you think he would feel better if you did again. (Totally a me thing too.)

[u/Evening_walks]

This sounds like something I would say. Although I’m physically attracted to my partner, I feel the love in my heart and that’s what I think about most. I don’t think of him like a sexual object

[u/Br0KeNPixY → u/Evening_walks]

Exactly that! I am physically attracted to him but he's not just some cute guy anymore so it was just jarring to have to answer on the spot like that because it's so much more than "your lips are sexy and so kissable" which after thinking about it is probably what I think the sexiest thing physically about him is.

[u/Cleverusername531]

Write it out and give it to him today!! Just write this paragraph from your post and comments! Text it to him tonight if you don’t have time to write it by hand today, and then hand him a card with it written out as soon as you can. 

Now let me say that "nothing really" is wholeheartedly inaccurate. The reason I panicked is because for me, it's deeper than physical and I didn't have enough time to process all my thoughts.  While I do find physical attributes sexy/attractive on strangers, it's different with you. You are the love of my life and no longer just "a piece of meat" as they say.

I don't just find your eyes attractive, I love how expressive they are. I don't just find your strong arms attractive, I love the way they make me feel safe and loved. Your lips are sexy and so kissable which after thinking about it is probably what I think the sexiest thing physically about you is. But I don't just find your lips attractive because they make me wanna kiss you, I also love how I can tell just what your smile means from a subtle difference in how your lips curl. 

[u/earlgreybubbletea]

Show him this post and comments :)

[u/parisic]

Create a power point presentation on how sexy you think he is. Then presentation it wearing formal presentation attire. That's bound to break the ice (this is also just personally how I would handle this cause I'm a bit extra lol)

[u/PaisleyPig2019]

Absolutely, do something kind and write him a letter. But also there's no need to apologise. He came to you and asked for a compliment, put you on the spot and didn't like the response. That is not for you to apologise for.

Also prepare for him to not be happy with any response you give. How women experience attraction is often quite different, with many of us having demi sexual traits. He may not be able to understand what you are trying to explain, instead expecting a basic response like, a very physical attribute like butt or boobs.

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[u/AutismInWomen-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Removed at Moderator Discretion. Do not link to other subreddits like that. It will encourage brigading.

[u/HumanMisaligned2009]

My husband has a very similar issue with speech (we're both autistic). Look up selective mutism, in particular low profile selective mutism 🙂

[u/AutismInWomen-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Removed at Moderator Discretion. Do not link to other posts like that. You have no idea if that is the case. We give advice here and only here and do not assume things. Meet OP where they are.

[u/icanthelpbutsaythis]

I feel like you're taking on too much of the blame here. Lots of people are more attracted based more on personality than looks in terms of how attraction works for them. He should've accepted your initial answer and people shouldn't fish for compliments like that. You're not responsible for his RSD, insecurity about how he looks or inability to understand that other people experience attraction differently.

[u/AutismInWomen-ModTeam]

Locked at Moderator Discretion due to people coming in and linking to another post. Thank you to the members who all gave helpful advice and feedback to OP.

[u/Intrepid2022]

I read your husband's post earlier and he didn't mention the autism part in his initial post. I assume you read your husband's post as well. The autism part was mentioned later in one of the reactions. It changes perspective knowing this. Many of the reactions were quite harsh...

Reading your post makes me believe that you do love him. This seems to be an unfortunate moment where you had some kind of a blackout. I hope the 2 of you can sort this out together. Talk to him, communicate.. That would be my advice