r/widowers • u/Sliiimm • 21h ago
Dating
How soon after loss is it ok to date again?
Tragic accident where I lost my partner of 9 years and the father to our son.
I’m incredibly worried and scared of judgement if I meet someone soon. It’s been nearly 4 months since he passed
15
u/rhino369 21h ago edited 19h ago
I wouldn't tell anyone you are dating before one year. Some people will judge before that year. People here will say "who cares what they think" but I say "who cares about telling people the truth that's none of their business." Just hide it before then.
But I'd also be a bit surprised if you were ready to date after 4 months. For me the urge returned before the ability to actually date safely for myself (and frankly the women I was dating). I was messy for a while.
5
1
u/Sliiimm 21h ago
I love, love and everything that comes with love
3
u/rhino369 19h ago edited 19h ago
I do too, but this widowhood makes us crazy for a while. I used to fall in love quickly and I very deeply loved my wife.
I miss love so much. But I don't love the women I've been with since. I know 1000% I want to fall in love again. But that part of me is still growing back. And I didn't realize this until months into dating.
I'm not saying don't do it. But be careful. We don't make the greatest choices for a while.
I wouldn't bring anyone around your son for a long time though. That's dangerous in all respects.
I would also add that the people you date will be skeptical as well. Good women were often very skeptical I was ready for long term dating after 6-8 months. Men might be less picky, but they are also more predatory.
1
u/Sliiimm 19h ago
How long would you wait son wise? I wouldn’t but just wondering
1
u/rhino369 19h ago
I'd wait a year after losing his father and six months after dating at the bare minimum. Personally, I won't bring a woman around until I'm ready to propose as a final test.
How old is your son? Might be a different story if he's too young to know the difference. But my kids remember and miss their mother. It would be cruel to introduce a mother figure who may not stick around.
7
u/Tricky-House9431 21h ago
No one can tell you. It was only 5 months when I met the woman who became the second love of my life. It felt like a lifetime to me. I was ready. It seemed crazy but it worked out for us.
1
u/Sliiimm 21h ago
Really? I’m so happy for you! How did you know you were ready?
3
u/Tricky-House9431 19h ago
I didn’t. I started dating sort of as a test. First date, no connection. Second date I met someone interesting and unique. Decided I would regret not seeing where it would go, so I said fuck it, jumped in with both feet and discovered that she was perfect for me at that point in my life. Luckily three years later she is still perfect for me.
7
u/TxScribe Married 33 years, saw her through early onset dementia at 58 yrs 21h ago edited 21h ago
There is no timer. Also, my counselor helped me to understand that there are different thresholds of "dating". As human beings we crave companionship ... some dating can simply be to take a day trip with someone or have someone to talk to, hold hands, hug. It can be just to have someone who checks in with you every day.
When I first started out dating I compared everyone to my wife / soulmate and NO ONE stood up to that test, and neither did any relationship in relation to what we built over 33 years. It wasn't fair to them or myself.
As long as you are honest with the other party of where you are at .... looking for friendship ... companionship ... simple intimacy or even (lets be honest) simple sex ... or maybe more ... then they have agency to decide if they want to be involved in that. You don't have to promise "forever" and relationships can be for need or convenience as long as you're not misleading anyone.
p.s. I also found that dating was part of the process of figuring out who I am as a "me" instead of a "we". There was (and still is) a lot of trial and error some good, some fun, some not so fun.
0
u/Sliiimm 21h ago
I’m worried about judgment talking to someone as it’s only been 4 months since
3
u/OtterImpossible 21h ago
I would think about what you're looking to get out of dating right now. Aside from the worries about what others would think, it's worth reflecting on what you think. Would you be dating for just some company/people to do things with? As a way to reconnect to the world or with parts of yourself? As a distraction? To try to find a new partner to build a long term relationship?
None of these are said with judgment. I just think it's really helpful to have your own clarity on what you're looking for and why, especially going through such a painful and tumultuous time. Being a new widow is a really emotionally vulnerable time, and 4 months out it's impossible to know where you are at or how you will feel as your grief goes on. So it's good to know what you're looking for to reduce the chances you might end up in a situation you really regret down the road.
0
u/Sliiimm 21h ago
I love, love and have always been a relationship person
4
u/MaasDaef 20h ago
This is said with nothing but kindness, but the questions OtterImpossible is posing are very important. Not for you to answer here, but for you to reflect on by yourself. Being a relationship person doesn’t make you ready for a relationship yet. You definitely might be, only you can know that. But make sure to be real with yourself.
I only say this because I have seen how my own mind has acted through the grief. I’m almost a year out and have had stretches where I really longed for female company, but I learned to see it for what it was: an attempt to escape a reality that felt impossible to endure. And upon reflection I realized that if I started dating it would have been for the wrong reasons as it would not make the pain go away, but likely make it worse. I am starting to get to a point where I think it might do me good, but we will see.Apart from that I second what the rest of the gang are saying. People can go fuck themselves with their opinions, but for your own peace, you can refrain from telling anyone until more time has passed. You don’t owe anyone transparency on this stuff.
1
u/TxScribe Married 33 years, saw her through early onset dementia at 58 yrs 21h ago
To put it delicately ... F'em. There will always be somebody (who has no clue) who will be all too ready to tell you the proper WAY to grieve.
This is your walk. That's one of the best lessons I learned. Even this group has a bit of a myopic view because those who grief researchers classify as "resilient" and are out there moving on and living large aren't here on a discussion group. This group made me feel like I wasn't grieving enough because I wasn't curled up in a ball, weeping, wailing, and gnashing my teeth.
I promised my wife that I would live and love large and, although difficult at times, I'm trying to keep that promise and not caring what others think.
4
u/DarkRevolutionary476 Lady Webb (37), Lost Hubby (44) Nov 8 25 19h ago
dont worry about other people, there's always going to be someone that wants to judge another's situation.
do what feels right, im 11 months in, im not looking, but im excited to see who my husband sends me next.
before he died we had a talk...if I die first, i was gonna send him someone Awesome, and if he died first, he would do the same...
3
u/VannKraken 57M - 4/2/26 Pancreatic Cancer (32 yrs together) 21h ago
I'm just past 6 months and have put a lot of effort into moving through the early stages of the grieving process. I started venturing back out into life again about a month ago. I've met someone recently that I really like (and it seems mutual) and am moving slowly forward with her at this point.
For me, I feel that finding a new companion, while still honoring and remembering my wife every day, is the right path for me to heal further.
You can move forward when you feel like you are able to. It's hard to ignore the outside noise and expectations, but that is exactly what I am doing.
1
u/Sliiimm 21h ago
Have you told anyone yet or not as taking it slow and just friends at the moment?
1
u/VannKraken 57M - 4/2/26 Pancreatic Cancer (32 yrs together) 19h ago
She was in a long marriage to a not great guy and hung in for the sake of her kids. So yes, we are both fine with going slow. My daughters know - one if fine with it and the other is getting used to the idea.
I haven't told the in-laws and she hasn't told her family more than that I'm someone she's been hiking with. All of that can come in good time.
1
u/Sliiimm 19h ago
Are you nervous to tell the in laws when the time is right?
1
u/VannKraken 57M - 4/2/26 Pancreatic Cancer (32 yrs together) 18h ago
I think there will always be a little bit of trepidation about it. If it gets to that point, I think they will be supportive. They are both in their 80's now and know that I am really missing the companionship of my wife more than anything (we were married for 32 years and losing her to pancreatic cancer was incredibly hard). They have been together over 50 years and know what I am missing, too.
I also got diagnosed with cancer that has responded to treatment so far, so it's really a matter of you only live once and are entitled to live your best life, right? I think as long as we aren't reckless or insensitive to others, we deserve happiness when we deem that we are ready to seek it again.
I can say that having a new friend actually gives me feelings of hope and purpose that I wasn't sure I'd ever feel again. That in turn makes me a much happier person for my kids to be around. Yes, it's SCARY to put yourself out there again, but good things can happen to us even after we've endured tragedy. We don't have to shut ourselves off to the world - that is NOT a requirement of widowhood.
2
u/Sliiimm 18h ago
I wish you the best of luck!
1
u/VannKraken 57M - 4/2/26 Pancreatic Cancer (32 yrs together) 16h ago
Thank you! You, as well! Good things can still happen for us!!
3
u/sbinjax Colon cancer d. 9/4/2011 21h ago
The answer is it's ok when *you* are ready.
The standard answer is a year. There's a reason for this. Typically, people are extremely vulnerable the first year. Grief does strange things to your judgment. Whatever your decision, take your time, be careful, and guard your heart. It's not just you, it's your son you have to watch out for as well.
1
u/VannKraken 57M - 4/2/26 Pancreatic Cancer (32 yrs together) 19h ago
But let's be clear - a "standard answer" doesn't apply here. Yes, anyone who feels especially vulnerable or not certain shouldn't proceed. However, you never have all of the data before you commit to any major life decision, including the marriage that ended in widowhood.
2
u/sbinjax Colon cancer d. 9/4/2011 18h ago
That's true, but I've been here a while and bear witness to people who jumped in too early and regretted it. So of course it varies, and of course some people have made their peace and moved forward earlier than others. There's nothing "wrong" with that, but some social norms are there for good reason.
Also, while we're on the subject of vulnerability, beware of romance scams, including scammers who troll this sub and slide into peoples' DMs.
1
u/VannKraken 57M - 4/2/26 Pancreatic Cancer (32 yrs together) 16h ago
For sure! I've met the person I am interested in about 5 times now, but I had some humorous attempted catfishers on LinkedIn and Facebook.
I think caution in general and going slowly and deliberately is good advice.
3
u/EyeOrRay 20h ago
This helps... https://hopeforwidows.org/2017/02/sit-down-and-shut-up/ Read it and yea, as others have said, tell the haters to go fuck themselves
3
u/Skippy1221 Lost 34M Sudden Death 19h ago
I met someone 6 months later by accident. Nobody really judged me at least not to my face. But I realize now at 15 months it was way too soon for me. I wasn’t ready and after the one year anniversary I fell apart and Iv been struggling really bad the last 3 months with the new relationship. Not because of anything he’s doing wrong but because my grief is so heavy and so different now than it was in the first year. I say this as a precautionary. Sometimes we might think we are ready or we just want to grab onto something to make us feel better. To fill the void.
3
u/brad7811 19h ago
Personally I don’t think I will ever date again. I (57M) am 564 days out from losing my wife in a motor vehicle collision and have had no desire to be with another woman.
That’s me…. Everyone is different. A friend who lost his wife to cancer a month after my wife passed is married again. To each their own. No judgement should happen. (In a perfect world that is)
3
u/Tangledupinteal 18h ago
The deal was “until death do us part.” That’s the obligation to your partner, and it’s satisfied.
The obligation to the living varies. You don’t mention how old your son is, but that’s potentially an issue.
And while I’m firmly in the MYOFB school of thought, that comes from a place of privilege where my ability to earn a living and function in society isn’t affected by what people think of my “private” life. It’s one thing to be a middle-age male business owner in a big city who belongs to a relaxed religious community, but it’s probably very different for a young woman in a small town.
All of that is to say that only you can decide when you’re ready, only you can decide what “dating” means, only you can figure out the potential impact on various aspects of your life, and only you know how well you can keep a secret.
2
u/rosietherose931 51F lost husband 5/24/26 to heart disease 21h ago
I’m wondering the same. I got lonely, I guess (not widows fire), after about 3 months and went on FB dating, but quickly decided I wasn’t ready. Now that I’ve been going through papers and boxes and realize I didn’t actually know my husband very well, I’m feeling like maybe I want to meet someone and really get to know them. But I haven’t acted on it yet. I’m at almost 5 months now.
2
u/Unique_Charity_9648 Widower, 47/47; heart failure, 06/26 21h ago
1 day to 30 years....
Let me offer an alternative mindset. My wife and I had an open marriage where we always prioritized each other but still saw others.
Now that she's gone, I've been struggling with identifying my situation and my choices in relation to my grief.
My decision is, for at least now and probably a long time is my ring stays on. 21 years of marriage did not end my relationship with her spirit, that she retains the role of my wife though she's not physically here.
So now when I see people; it's not to replace her. I'm not ready and not sure if I ever will be but I am dating and forming connections. Mostly sexual but romance is still an option. It's just that the relationship escalator doesn't go to the top floor.
2
u/gemgirlshari 20h ago
Be careful of the "widhoe" phase. It can hit hard. But sometimes, it scratches that itch. Stay safe, my friend 🧡
2
u/AwarenessFun5465 19h ago
Do you. No timeline. If you found someone who fills your cup up, you deserve to be happy.
Everyone’s story on here is different and in different places in life. You have a son to take care of and if you’re happy, your son will be happy. Just be cognizant of your son’s feelings.
Listen to your gut. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Praying for ya, and best of luck
2
u/Lanky-Awareness-7450 18h ago
There is no set time. Start dating whenever you are ready. Just make sure you are emotionally ready to date AND you have prepared your son for it. While you may be ready, he may not be.
Everyone else who has an opinion…. ignore them.
2
u/afgunxx MASH, infection, multi-organ failure 18h ago
Sorry for your loss, OP.
The answer is: whenever you are ready to date. Do your self-examination and determine what you are open to before putting yourself out there, please... so you don't get into a situation you later realize isn't what you are open to at that time.
2
u/shouldawouldacoulda4 lost Husband (53) in 2021 after 30 yrs of marriage 16h ago
my husband died almost 5 years ago and I am still not dating. But neither of us are going to win any awards for either waiting or not waiting. You do it when you are ready.
2
u/AnamCeili 13h ago edited 13h ago
Depends on the person. Some people date within months, some within years, some never. There's no one path that's right for everyone, and you are the only person who can determine what's right for you.
If/when you do start dating, just be careful -- there are sick bastards out there who prey on widows/widowers. Also, if you have sex with anyone, be sure to use protection, at minimum.
1
u/Sliiimm 13h ago
Prey on them because they are vulnerable?
2
u/AnamCeili 13h ago
Yes, I think so. They know that the widow/er is grieving, is sad and angry and missing their spouse/partner. They also know that some widow/ers have or will get life insurance money, and they try to scam them out of it.
1
u/bopperbopper 20h ago
You need to learn how to live as yourself and not as part of a couple… if you’re just trying to glom onto someone so someone can take care of things for you, you’re not ready
1
u/termicky Widower - cancer 2023 13h ago
It's morally okay when you come to the point where you're not going to be harming somebody else or harming yourself.
And I would say from personal experience, being somewhat ungrounded for the first few months emotionally, that it would have been better if I had my feet underneath me for a while first.
Whether other people judge you or not, is up to them. Unless you really want to rely on other people's approval, I wouldn't use that as the benchmark.
1
u/Revolutionary-Bad581 11h ago
Is a lunch date with a friend that you’re not intimate with considered dating?
1
u/plantmom559 8h ago
I dated right away and ended up in an abusive relationship because he used my broken heart. Everyone told me not to and I don’t have any regrets. He did help me in the beginning and I definitely needed the companionship. But it’s really hard to spot red flags when you’re in this intense grief. I’m now single and dating multiple people. It’s a lot better. I have solid boundaries and make a lot of space to grieve my husband. The two year mark is coming up and it does get easier!
1
u/loveforemost 8h ago
It's not ever a static amount of time like X months or X years.
It's when you are mentally and emotionally ready to put yourself out there again. it's when you start to look more forward to your own future rather than wishing you could go back in time.
Do not confuse loneliness with wanting to date. Loneliness will come and go. Wanting to date requires you to choose to be in a meaningful relationship longer term instead of trying to just fill the void. It's a choice you can make at any time for yourself.
And if you choose to date, do the mental exercises of what you would feel and think for different scenarios. Dating is hard and it takes a lot of effort and time and even money. What would you feel if you got stood up or ghosted or otherwise rejected? Ask yourself if your heart is ready for the ups and downs of dating.
1
u/elzbthlynn 7h ago
I felt really lonely after losing my husband 34 last October, and around April I thought about dating. Ended up reconnecting with my ex boyfriend and I have been on the dating apps but feelings have definitely grown with my ex. I want to get through the next couple weeks which will be the year date and a week later my husband’s birthday.
Surprising people that I have told have been happy for me expect my sister which isn’t surprising to me at all. They can’t judge you as they aren’t doing this life without the one person that should still be here doing life!
•
u/Mission-Box-2017 Lost High-School Sweetheart at 22 to Suicide 36m ago
I already had a sexual encounter and it’s been 3 months since my girlfriend of 5 years passed. All I will say is there is no time period for this kind of fucked up grief and everyone’s opinions can get f’d. At the same time I feel guilty and I feel bad for the other people I’m seeing so maybe I’m not ready, but when will we ever be. We didn’t choose this life.
•
u/DogonSiereht1 49M lost 40F June 2025 to Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer 22m ago
I started dating my GF 5 months after my LW passed. I also started to grieve my LW after the diagnosis for her cancer so tack on 48 week.
My GF and I talk a lot about how we rushed it. She was completely willing to wait the full year, but I did not want to risk losing her. We totally rushed it, but we really wanted to try and date.
Most people I told were happy for me, well to my face at least. I think i only told 4 people, and they were all from work. I work with my GF so most of it was for HR reasons. Nothing breaking the rules, but i wanted to cover my ass and let my boss and boss’s boss know. Then two other friends from work as well. It is a tight knit group of people i have been working with for over 15 years. I have known most of the people since before working at my current job.
I did hide it from my LW’s family until the year mark to be respectful to them, but i really only told my LW’s oldest sister. She is like my real sister and we are close.
My GF was very scared of widows fire and also being looked at like she was taking advantage of me, so telling my family members was a process. I tried to ease them into it.
But in the end, I couldn’t care less what anyone thought. It is my life and i am not going to make everyone happy. I am just happy I found my next chapter and we are compatible. Her and i are above 40 and are planning a blended home. The dating pool comes with a lot of baggage. I am just grateful we found each other.
•
u/agassiz51 0m ago
Do what is best for you. If it's three months, three years or never. What you do after your partner's death cannot change anything in the past. True friends will support you. The others don't matter.
21
u/AggravatingSkate33 21h ago
There's no timer on this, only you know when you're ready. Anyone judging you for it hasn't lived your pain.