r/texts • u/GhostlySkeletons • 18h ago

Facebook DMs Date Gone Wrong - Not Sure How to Feel?

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I met a woman on FB dating and we agreed to get mexican food.

I drove over, walked up, and she instantly took offense to my nose piercing. (They are in my profile pictures).

We were both hungry and I offered to still pay for dinner despite her distaste, but she noped out and said she was leaving.

I’m genuinely not sure how to feel. Admittedly, it did hurt my feelings slightly. On the other hand, I’ve also just learned not to care anymore.

Screenshots are of what she had to say after it happened.

I guess I’m just sharing this because I’d like to hear other opinion.

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745

u/Effective-End-964 18h ago

You’re being way too kind here. At the same time - she’s poking around for a reaction, so blowing up also wouldn’t be a good move. This is definitely somebody you should block.

Why?
First off; she’s intentionally hurting your feelings. She could’ve very well said you’re not her type and just leave it at that. She didn’t. She is picking you apart bit by bit and insulting you every step of the way.

Secondly; again, she’s doing this to get a reaction from you. She’s testing the waters and also she wants you to bend.

Thirdly; she’s trying to blame you for her feelings. Crying because somebody you agreed to go on a date with is not your type is batshit insane, and also it makes no sense. Again, this is to get a reaction.

These are ginormous red flags from an extremely manipulative person. Ask me how I know. Block her.

170

u/GhostlySkeletons 18h ago

Yeah. I really did not know what to say back at the end of it. I generally do not blow up on people or get mad. I understand that everyone is entitled to their opinions so I try not to get heated over differences like this. Although, I did feel pretty bad when she absolutely refused to sit down for food. ( I tried to defuse her immediate distaste and offer to still just sit down and eat if she wanted). We were both already there physically and I am pretty sure she mentioned being hungry. I would have figured most people wouldn’t turn down a free meal. 😅 I can only assume she didn’t want to be seen with me. (Despite the restaurant being pretty low traffic)

167

u/AlternativeWonder471 17h ago

Dude that girl is extremely immature.

If this is real it's actually shocking. And sad.

Nothing stopping two people just having a chat over a meal. She has zero social skills. Treating real life like it's an app extension.

I'm sorry man. But this is not normal so chin up and good luck : )

102

u/GhostlySkeletons 17h ago

See, this is exactly what confused me the most. I figured most people would still be okay with sitting down to eat and just having a chat. And then later on telling me that they weren’t feeling it.

We were already there at that point. (Standing in front of the doors to walk inside) 😅

66

u/BalloonAnimalParty 16h ago

You sound lovely. You did good, OP. This is a her problem. You don't have to be mean or retaliatory with her (as you've already said) but you can just be like "ok good luck" and then block.

9

u/burtonmanor47 14h ago

Yeah, was thinking "have the day you deserve" would be my response, but then realized she'd be so self-entitled that she'd take it as a compliment. Yours is better.

10

u/AlternativeWonder471 17h ago

Best example of "chronically online". Wild.

6

u/BonusTime5460 14h ago

I think this is the best outcome tbh. If she’s this insufferable over text, imagine sitting through a whole dinner.

3

u/Elknbur 14h ago

You did awesome man.

Didn't insult her back or let her drive you to say anything foul.

Did what you could to he respectful and took it in stride.

I'm sorry she hurt your feelings she has no right to treat you that way, but in the end we can't control other people just ourselves and how we react.

You did great, don't let his out you off from continuing to try. Not having her in your life is a personal victory you should remember for the future.

Keep being a solid person, stay better the them, and keep looking. Good people are out there.

2

u/Valuable_Ad497 16h ago

i will say to offer the teeniest contrarian view… i probably wouldn’t stay if i had a “reaction” like she did because i would be so ashamed of myself? but also the texts sort of disprove that so im honestly unsure why she did leave? i just would never respond this way so im having a tough time putting myself in the other shoes lol

2

u/MrAssFace69 14h ago

OP, I'm a 39 year old taken gay man in an LTR of 10 years ---- but I would have (in a wacky alternate universe) absolutely sat down with you and had a nice meal. I don't normally care for piercings but I love your look!!

I'm sorry this happened to you, what a miserable person. You'll find someone! 🥰🥰🥰

2

u/Upbeat-Sale-8714 14h ago

Most people would 100% be like cool we are here, you seem nice, might as well make a friend! This is definitely not a ‘you’ problem but a ‘her’ problem!

2

u/Rogambit 13h ago

I can understand her leaving if she didn't want to waste your time and funds because she knew she was not into you, but every other part of that text interaction (on her side) is so fucked up that I'm glad you didn't have to sit there and deal with her company.

Can you imagine how she might treat wait staff if she felt comfortable texting you all that?

Your replies here make it seem like you have strong character and are a kind person, and I'm sure she's the one who missed out here. Character and personality matter so much more than freaking wardrobe and this lady doesn't get it.

And congratulations on your eyes and dimples!

1

u/1337isntREAL_7357 14h ago

I didn't see your age, but do you know if she is religious?

I'm not seeing it with a quick search but I heard a rumor women go outside the church to recruit or get men to join the church. (Unsure if this is a we want a relationship thing and join or just join.)

A local community would do this but trick with some kind of free food event. It wasn't an event at all, it was basically a setup to get you not to be rude as guests and listen to the nonsense.

edit - This is why I'm pretty sus when people ask to come to a family BBQ. I'll ask if drinking is allowed (even if I'm not drinking) and if they say no. Some weird shit is gonna go down.

1

u/LolsaurusWrex 12h ago

Please don't take any of her actions or words to be a reason for you to change. If you ever find yourself reflecting on her and questioning yourself then go read through all of these comments again. All the ones i read so far have it right, she's masking a mountain of issues and trying to use your humility to feel better about herself. You owe her none of that

1

u/Smart-Lynx-6519 12h ago

Because yes most people would be ok with that. She does not fit that category. She is extremely unwell mentally and emotionally. Never talk to her again

1

u/Dankleburglar 6h ago

Im glad you didn’t buy her dinner and waste your money or more time. She’s a really mean person. You have nothing to be sorry for.

3

u/_coreygirl_ 15h ago

"I hate being so blunt"

Then don't?

4

u/Clarknt67 13h ago

Like right. I have shown up and immediately surmised “Oh this was a huge mistake.”

But I will still go through the motions of a coffee, drink or a meal. Just cause… why not? They might surprise you. If not… it’s an hour of your time and a chance to practice dating skills with low stakes.

3

u/LawyerPrincess93 14h ago

Extremely immature is right! I would have responded "your attitude is giving 6 and your manners is giving 5" because who acts like that other than a literal child who has no social skills lol

Congrats on dodging a missile, OP 🥳

2

u/BardicTales 15h ago

I’m never going to tell anyone they owe anyone else their time. She saved them both time by being herself. If anything, we should be grateful that she didn’t continue. And block her. Definitely block her.

48

u/tally-strobe 17h ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/BdghqxNFV4efm
You dodged a bullet, friend. Delete the texts and enjoy the rest of your life without giving her another thought.

2

u/chudleycannonfodder 13h ago

Agreed, but don’t delete them. This is an amazing party story when the conversation goes towards weirdest first dates. Down the line this will be a great laugh.

41

u/juneabe 17h ago

Honestly it’s probably better than you weren’t seen with her, not the other way around.

This woman jumped the honeymoon phase and went straight into coercive/manipulative abuser mode.

This is wild work and she did you a favour! This whole thing was her testing you and it’s despicable.

Also face jewelry is hot as helllllll to the right person.

25

u/FlobyToberson85 17h ago

Don't apologize to her. Don't validate her ridiculous viewpoint. It's enough to say, "You are entitled to your opinion. Clearly this isn't a good match. Take care."

1

u/diamondmx 11h ago

If you're being nice, sure. I'd probably go with "Huh, didn't know you were that vapid. Bye." And then block before she can try to hurt your feelings some more. 

9

u/labrujitabuena 17h ago

That’s a lot of effort for someone who seems like a miserable POS with few redeeming qualities. All she’s done is tear you down. You deserve better than that. 

3

u/Squidproquo1130 6h ago

I hope you went in and ate. I would be going straight to the restaurant's bar to laugh at this ridiculous shit.

1

u/GhostlySkeletons 6h ago

No, I should have gone in and had a drink. But I just went to my car awkwardly and drove away quickly. I got some crappy Arby’s (no offense if you like Arby’s) and went home 😅

1

u/Squidproquo1130 5h ago

Hey, I got crappy Arby's today too! (Why do I do this when I know it's going to suck?)

2

u/indecisionmaker 14h ago

“Cool. I guess we’re just not compatible then.”  \ \ It’s hard to think of in the moment when someone is being a complete asshole, but the general vibe is self-assured. Sometimes someone’s opinion of you has nothing to do with you; it’s just their own weird shit coming out. I’m sorry someone treated you this way. 

2

u/Knightoftherealm23 14h ago

My husband had a date like this turned up literally just said no to his face and walked out. She had seen his pictures online. Anyway, her loss. We have been together 11 years married 7 years today. So happy anniversary to us and i hope the silly bint who judged him steps on lego.

1

u/pasghettiii 10h ago

Aww I loved this

1

u/Effective-End-964 17h ago

What did she say/do exactly when you met?

5

u/GhostlySkeletons 17h ago

It was a pretty short interaction. She saw my nose and said something along the lines of “Oh, wow. What is that?” And then I awkwardly tried to explain it was newer-ish but it was in my profile picture and I thought she would have noticed it. Annnd, then she pretty much went “yeah, nooo”. 😅 To which I said something along the lines of, “okay, so, do you want to go in and eat at least?”. She said no and that was essentially it. I awkwardly walked off.

These messages in the screenshots came later after this. I was surprised she still messaged me afterwards. I didn’t think I would ever hear from her again.

2

u/Effective-End-964 17h ago

Does she live relatively close to the restaurant? Because I’m about 99% sure that was a premeditated move, lol. The other 1% is that she genuinely hadn’t noticed and left early to figure out a next move.

Sounds crazy but these people are insanely committed to the part they’re playing.

2

u/BalloonAnimalParty 16h ago

Well or, she has it in her head that she can "create" a "better" guy to date by selecting from the options online and making edits. Which is dumb and should of course be declined as soon as it comes up.

2

u/juneabe 16h ago

Premeditated “move” for…. What?

2

u/Effective-End-964 16h ago

Making him feel like shit about his styling choices etc

2

u/Fresh-Amount9308 15h ago

To take out whatever anger she’s feeling toward men on this poor dude. 

1

u/juneabe 15h ago

Ahhhhhh okay I’m with you.

2

u/sapps84 7h ago

This is not about you - you had barely seconds of interaction; she literally saw pics of you before hand - there's Nada about it being anything to do with how you are or look, that could have meant she retreated. It's small minuscule weird ass stuff that she has a head about. This won't be a pattern with others. Those messages too are insane - controlling through cruelty.

Maybe think of any flags she gave to her hideous self in the message before hand, only so as to avoid such horrid people in the future...

1

u/TurnipWorldly9437 14h ago

So either she wanted to leave you standing there from the beginning (unlikely, but if true, very evil indeed), or she is too superficial to even look at your pictures properly (bullet dodged), or she confused you with someone else (then her messages wouldn't make sense), or she has the worst eye sight ever (but then she wouldn't have seen the piercing in real life, either).

No matter which of those is the truth, you didn't do anything wrong and shouldn't waste another moment on her.

1

u/False_Pen8611 15h ago

People are entitled to their opinions but they’re not entitled to be shitty about it

1

u/Reasonable_Sector792 15h ago

I don’t think any normal person I know would have absolutely crashed out and refused to have dinner with the person they were meeting even IF they realized they weren’t attracted to them in person. It is simply impolite. I don’t know why but it just seems like this person was trying to hurt your feelings. Based on them refusing to sit down for dinner they seem rude at best and unstable at worst.

1

u/Fresh-Amount9308 15h ago

You sound like a gem of a person. You will find the relationship you deserve. Don’t let her affect your confidence. 

1

u/emmar1818 15h ago

Oh wow, she sounds horrible. I’m sorry she hurt your feelings. Dating is hard.

1

u/Pixedx3 14h ago

What a crazy reaction to seeing someone whose picture you’ve already seen. No need to even try to diffuse someone that nuts, way too easy to end up in a toxic situation if your defusal works. Just something to think about for the future, you sound like you’re a nice person and us nice people way too easily end up with toxic people because we try to help and be kind when we sometimes shouldn’t. What if she’d suddenly cooled it, agreed to eat and actually acted like a normal, healthy, maybe even fun person? It would be so easy to brush off that first reaction as, “oh maybe she’s just shy or anxious meeting a new person?”, because that’s what a nice person with empathy would probably do. Now you’re perfectly set up for a DARVO situation.

I think you handled this in a very calm and respectful manner, you have nothing to feel bad about here. And there’s nothing wrong with trying to diffuse someone’s crazy to limit the awkward shrapnel coming your way. Just make sure you know where you stand on how you let people treat you. It’s not a bad idea to contemplate that urge to diffuse and consider how it has shown up in previous relationships and situations and if there are any patterns there that aren’t serving you. For all I know this is not at all a problem for you, this is something to consider in case it is. It’s the only thing in this interaction that’s worth you considering because you’re fine, this person has real issues, most likely a personality disorder.

1

u/LilMissnoname 14h ago

You said the nose ring was in your profile pic. She knew she was going to do this before you got there. She literally just lured you there bc she needed someone to abuse. I know it's hard to believe people like that exist when you are a mentally healthy person, but I assure you they do lol.

1

u/squeaky-to-b 14h ago

To be clear, it is INSANE to rudely bail on a date because someone shows up wearing a piercing that is present in their profile pics.

1

u/cuppin_in_the_hottub 13h ago

There’s a middle ground I think when it comes to addressing messages like this.

To start with, you don’t need to respond right away, take your time to decide what level of response you want to give (you can just not respond and block her, especially when she got rude). It’s great not to ghost and what not, but your interactions with her are completely optional though, and again she was being rude so don’t entertain her bullshit (it let her keep going). And she will keep going until she feels like she’s taught you something/that her opinion is relevant to you/that she impacted you to a similar depth that you impacted her.

And you impacted her a lot. It has nothing to do with you personally, it sounds a bit like she had her doubts about dating/going out, maybe she had been interested but she got thinking about her ex and panicked. I’ve been spooked before because the reality of what I was doing finally smacked me upside the head and I panicked being like “fuuuuuuuck, have some self respect girl, you’re doing this for the wrong reasons and are being really self destructive.”

The difference is it was me judging my own behavior, not me judging the other person (and yeah sometimes I judged them, but I kept it to myself with a simple “I don’t think we would be compatible” or “the reality of meeting up with someone really brought home the things I need to work on to be able to show up for others in the way I want to, I’m sorry if you feel I wasted your time. Wish you all the best…”.

When someone is acting in a way that is socially unacceptable like that I explain what I think then bounce (not from a place of anger, but for me it just helps me reframe the interaction in my head so I don’t internalize it/let it reinforce any negative core beliefs I have about myself and so I can feel like I responded from a place of self respect). In the past I’ve said things like “it’s odd you feel so comfortable speaking to others that way…” or “what an unattractive and toxic/immature way to communicate your disinterest…(if I’m irritated by them and feel like teaching them something too I might add in a petty way that the feeling is mutual but I respect you enough/take responsibility for my own emotions not to project my insecurities onto you)…” or “a simple I’m not interested would have sufficed instead of engaging in bullying behavior” or “those are uncalled for things to say, and frankly unattractive and mean…” or “thank you for letting me know the bullet I dodged…” and then block.

1

u/mommawolf2 13h ago

I'm so sorry. No one deserves to be treated like that. 

She sounds horrible! 

1

u/rubmaprob 13h ago

You handled it fine. You would have likely regretted offering the meal once the silence and her vibes worsen over time while at the table.

1

u/Clarknt67 13h ago

Maybe she’s saying these cruel things to test your tolerance for abuse. And if you continue to engage you are in for a mind fuck.

1

u/klare_rose_wine 13h ago

Her behavior is terrible, and you did nothing wrong. People are allowed to have different styles

1

u/AloneAtSea-7810 13h ago

I just want to mention that I have an allergy to metal (piercings make my skin swell and bleed) and I still wouldn't have been mean. I would have been nice and simply said "I don't think it would work, I'm so sorry" and feel really bad and I would say something to make them not feel bad. Everything she said was meant to be mean, and saying she cried was suspicious (she probably said it to maximize her need to destroy someone). She kind of sounds like a narcissist...she has all the red flags. I would block and move on because people like this get worse not better.

1

u/vuvenom 12h ago

That is very kind of you to do💗

1

u/Moist-Librarian-7032 11h ago

don't listen to that crap, you reacted like a champ

1

u/TexasLiz1 11h ago

We all might be entitled to our opinions but we are not entitled to throw them right in other people’s faces. No matter what hardware is on those faces. She’s just an asshole. I am sorry you ran into such an asshole.

1

u/Just-Like-My-Opinion 11h ago

Why would you even want to have dinner with someone who is this rude and downright mean?

1

u/ittybittylurker 10h ago

Oh bud. You're gonna find somebody that's a good match for you, you sound like a catch. The cool thing about having a bunch of tattoos or shit in your face (complimentary) is that it's extremely good at weeding out idiots & assholes. It really worked this time.

Other than her being so dang hurtful, I'm most upset thinking that maybe you didn't get Mexican food :(

1

u/BuckGerard 10h ago

Don’t say anything. Block her and move on.

1

u/AfterAd4616 10h ago

I don’t think you need to say anything back. That’s a “Well, good luck in your future endeavors” situation. That’s if you don’t want to go down the road of education: “I don’t like you rating me with a number. It feels objectifying and weird.”

Either way, no reason to talk to this person ever again

1

u/Vegetable-Jacket1102 7h ago

Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but everyone is also responsible for their words and actions. Hers were knowingly hurtful.

These are not "differences". This is an interaction between someone with no respect for others, and someone without enough respect for themselves.

She insulted you repeatedly and your response was "you make fair points". Do you think your nose ring makes you look childish? Do you think that despite all these "good attributes" she's listing to soften her attack blows, that your wardrobe is so bad that she would feel a need to "retreat" like she's in danger?

Or were you choosing instead to focus on the compliments to avoid feeling the weight of the insults or the conflict and drama of having to stand up for yourself?

Her problem is not a lack of spontaneity, trust me. And your problem is not this girl...it's the mistreatment you're willing to tolerate, and why you believe you should.

1

u/OhNo_HereIGo 7h ago

Reading this legit broke my heart. I'm so sorry OP. I mean this in the truest sense- it's not you, it's literally her that's the problem.

1

u/Adorable_Ad4990 4h ago

Ok, serious, what were you wearing? No mention of the specific wardrobe choices… did she have a point at all? I’m not talking about fashion, but I can think of a lot of things like offensive t- shirt maybe ? I’m just suspicious why you explained the piercing but not the wardrobe

1

u/ClipperOvaComb 2h ago

Bro. She's crazy and immature. After that u should be happy you never have to see or talk to her again. Block!

0

u/LudditeLady 13h ago

You sound like an actual grown up trying to go on a date, and she sounds like an emotionally stunted, superficial dodged bullet. she is mean too....i personally like nose rings on guys.

0

u/Embarrassed-Front927 6h ago

To me it sounds very manipulative and also like she’s trying to get you to “run” after her and chase her. She’s testing you to see how horribly she can treat you and how much you’ll put up with and try to get her to give you another chance. Run away. Block her and don’t look back. She feels shitty about herself and is projecting that onto you. You didn’t do anything wrong. Someone will love you and find you attractive no matter how you look or dress.

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u/ned_uzoma 18h ago

I have no notes. This is the perfect read of the situation

10

u/Effective-End-964 18h ago

Thank you thank you. I have too much lore for my own good

23

u/FaceCrime225 17h ago

Perfect analysis!! This woman right here will hold their future partners hostage for the rest of their lives. After she sucks them dry of any vitality they ever had. Then she going to being a narcissistic mother. This is a sticky sticky spider web.

2

u/Bigfops 17h ago

Nah, not the rest of their lives. After two years of changing them, she'll say "You're not the person I fell in love with anymore". I've seen that one more that I'd care to mention.

2

u/Professional-Ad4228 16h ago

Or she will marry them and torture them until they die. Thats what my mom did to my dad. Luckily he has outlasted her and has peace.

14

u/Kanakyu 18h ago

I think she is wanting hin to change his looks for whatt she wants.... He shouldn't do it

10

u/Effective-End-964 18h ago

I think it’s less about the look itself and more about seeing how far she can go and what he’s willing to give up

1

u/Kanakyu 17h ago

Yeah maybe

0

u/Kanakyu 17h ago

But she said he has good attitude and only criticises the looks?

6

u/Effective-End-964 17h ago

Sure. But it probably starts at the nose ring, and in a year it’s his friends, his career, the car he drives, the shows he watches, the music he listens to, etc etc etc

1

u/Jack_Forge 17h ago

Not if that's how she's gonna be about it.

1

u/AnyIndependence5328 17h ago

Is OP a dude? I read it as 2 women.

1

u/Kanakyu 17h ago

I probably shouldn't have assumed anyways, sorry about that! It doesn't really matter, either way it's not cool from the other Person!

4

u/tally-strobe 18h ago

Excellent summary. I appreciate the point-by-point breakdown.

3

u/Effective-End-964 17h ago

Thank you :)

2

u/Plane-General-8649 14h ago

Totally agree!!

2

u/BonusTime5460 14h ago

This is absolutely what I was thinking, and I’m so glad OP read it.

I know the correct and healthy thing to do is block her, but I would struggle SO hard not to say, “Boy. You sure do talk a lot,” before disappearing.

2

u/Effective-End-964 10h ago

As long as you block her right after you should be ok, lol

2

u/Secret-Bowler-584 9h ago

☝️☝️☝️
This person knows! Listen to this, op!

1

u/goodthymetimmy 18h ago

How do you know?

7

u/Effective-End-964 18h ago

The short version is that I unfortunately have two narcissistic parents.

5

u/occams1razor 17h ago

I wrote my master in psychology on narcissistic parents. I'm getting massive vibes as well. I think she's enjoying this situation and is on a manipulation power trip, probably had the whole thing planned out in advance (she must've seen the nose ring in the profile picture?). I could be wrong but it's logically coherent with how they act.

2

u/Effective-End-964 17h ago

Very possible! It could even be that she was genuinely surprised by how alternative he looked or something, but for somebody like this that’s extra ammo.

In any case, there is literally no reason for somebody to cry because someone has a goddamn nosering. Literally nobody does that. The only reason she mentions it is to make him feel like shit.

3

u/goodthymetimmy 17h ago

Damn. Sorry to hear that!!!

3

u/Effective-End-964 17h ago

Thank you 🖤 It sucks but we haven’t spoken in about four years now. Still not quite out of the woods in terms of my situation, but going no contact was the best thing I could do for my mental health. It’s peaceful at last.

3

u/goodthymetimmy 17h ago

Glad to hear you have found some peace!

1

u/pinkbootstrap 17h ago

I kind of like that they were so kind, she was clearly looking for a reaction and didn't get one.

1

u/Effective-End-964 17h ago

That I agree with! But he takes her way too seriously (which I understand if you’re taken aback and confused, I’m not blaming you OP) and she is not making fair points. And backhanded compliments aren’t compliments either.

You don’t have to be overly nice to not give her the reaction she was looking for :)

1

u/pinkbootstrap 17h ago

Maybe so and I wouldn't do it myself but OP seems like a classy guy

2

u/Effective-End-964 17h ago

Telling someone who’s straight up insulting you they have fair points is not classy, that’s borderlining on a fawning response if not already being there. Which, again, I am not blaming OP for, but standing up for yourself or shutting something down is not ungraceful.

1

u/l_4ppelduv1d3 17h ago

This should be top comment lol

1

u/Effective-End-964 17h ago

Thank you :) Happy to help, lol

1

u/Racing_Nowhere 16h ago

Agreed. OP should have pointed out and nitpicked her appearance right back. I don’t agree with a lot of people saying to block and walk away. I think more people need to stand up for themselves in the dating world

1

u/Effective-End-964 16h ago

I disagree with that though. Don’t get sucked in. This is personality disordered behavior, not a one-off conflict.

1

u/Racing_Nowhere 15h ago

I hear you. But, it’s not my job to diagnose someone, but it is my job to defend myself when attacked is how I see it

1

u/OsteoStevie 15h ago

I would also add she's testing him to see if he will change for her. If he doesn't, she can blame him again