r/texts • u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 • 1d ago
Phone message My dad got upset I wouldn’t give info about my mom’s trust. (divorced) Then this…
My (43) parents were married for over 40 years and my mom (73) recently went through some health stuff. When my dad (84) filed for divorce in January 2020, I went NC for a few years due to abuse on his part (towards me). We loosely reconnected a couple years ago and I could tell he had changed in some fundamental ways for the better.
It has mostly been healing to reconnect, but there are still some ways he is still the same and I’ve got to hold boundaries, like here. Thankfully, I have healed enough I can see through it now. Not that he even tried to hide it in this case!!!
And no, he never responded. Haven’t had a chance to talk yet either cause I had some of my own health things to take care of.
197
u/FrogParkRanger 1d ago
most comments are about your dad, but i just want to put some focus on you for a minute and say you’re handling a really tough situation incredibly well! your communication is incredible & your boundaries are clear. wishing you and your family good health
18
u/Icedcoffeezooted 1d ago
OP I have to say your mom is lucky to have a kid with a strong backbone who will protect her privacy and set boundaries. Good on you 👍
32
u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 1d ago
Thank you 😊
4
u/inlawstress 17h ago
And best of all, your response to him was so reasonable. Like of course if you're not protecting your mom's privacy, it means you are not protecting his either. There's literally nothing he can respond to that.
Keep on being you OP. You're setting an amazing example.
15
u/Odd_Try6977 1d ago
Right?! I want to be her/him when I grow up. I’m 55 and still struggle communicating thoughts politely and clearly.
3
1
u/Fibernerdcreates 18h ago
I came here to say this too! My parents are divorced, I know how hard it is to hold these boundaries. You're doing an amazing job.
105
48
u/VhickyParm 1d ago
Parents can change at 84?
I gave up on my parents ever changing an inch.
26
u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 1d ago
I had given up on that too. Life surprised me (it’s a whole story). But I am also prepared to bail and go low/no-contact again if need be.
24
u/fauna_flora_food 1d ago
Sometimes I think being wordy creates conflict and invites engagement.
“Mom’s affairs are no longer your business or concern”.
9
u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 1d ago
Sometimes. I honestly went back and forth about being shorter, but I wanted to be clear about a few things in writing, especially since he does have some age-related cognitive issues.
If he brings it up again, my responses will be short and firm and the convo will end swiftly.
2
56
u/IllustriousAd6384 1d ago
Smart move. He’s definitely up to something. Stay generic and give nothing.
21
u/IcyCantaloupe7004 1d ago
I wouldn't trust him. Maybe its best to go low to no contact with him.
15
u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 1d ago
I don’t trust him fully, and probably never will. Our reconnection has had some genuine, sweet moments, but I know we’ll never be super close. Before this, spending some time with him and talking with him without judgment has helped me understand and accept parts of myself in different ways.
But this situation really showed me that toxic side of him again.
9
u/imkyliee 1d ago
it’s crazy to me at 84 he filed for divorce😭😭 but on the other hand, youre doing the right thing by setting boundaries and holding to them.
2
u/Butterscotch_Snatch 9h ago
He said dad filed for divorce Jan 2020, over 6 years ago when he was… 78 👀
16
7
u/ArtPuzzleheaded4745 16h ago
He is lying and deflecting. "I dont remember asking"= deflecting, "i dont care" = lie, "Are you her trustee?" =reveal of what he was after.
You are overexplaning. The more you go on an on trying to explain and make him understand, the more you leave things open ended and give him room to manouver and manipulate. Keep it short. You dont need to say anything other than "im not talking about this with you", just shut him down without going on and on.
14
u/NomyNameisntMatt 1d ago
lmfao his response reminds me of that clip where kanye says “it was a jewish doctor” one second after saying he can’t say what kind of doctor
5
u/miss_j_bean 1d ago
Screenshot his message, circle the first 4 lines where he says he didn't ask and isn't interested and draw an arrow pointing to the fourth line where he asks and is interested
10
u/HereToKillEuronymous 1d ago
“I don’t remember asking who her trustee is. I’m not interested. But are you her trustee?”
What the fffff
4
u/Icelandia2112 1d ago
This sounds scary to me.
2
u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 1d ago
In what way? Genuinely curious.
8
u/IntroductionOnly1037 1d ago
It sounds predatory towards your mom and maybe you. He wants something from her, money or property. Make sure the trust is airtight because he's going to put up a fight.
5
u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 1d ago
I think it is predatory, but not about wanting something from her. I think he is feeling the loss of control he had over her in a way he hasn’t felt since their divorce. It has definitely raised my hackles and I made sure to let my siblings know.
My sister mentioned that he may have gotten used to getting info about her health fairly freely (my mom had consented to him knowing - it relates to my own health cause it’s related to a genetic syndrome I also have). And then he got upset at being shut down again. I think the free flow of info made him feel some sense of (false) control again.
I am definitely reconsidering what kind of information I share, even with consent. I may just completely stop sharing ANY info about anyone else (and carefully about myself) if we stay in contact.
7
u/Icelandia2112 1d ago
History of abuse and now that you have reconnected, he seems focused on the trust.
Don't underestimate someone's desperation and need to control.
3
u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 1d ago
We first reconnected about 2 years ago and he has shared more about his own trust process etc than asking about my mom’s. He’s been respectful of my boundaries around discussing her until now.
3
9
u/Eastern_Expression41 1d ago
this sucks, sorry, OP. you dad sounds like he is or has become toxic. Even though you say that he has changed, it doesn’t seem like much. i would not reengage with him until he makes a good faith effort to treat you better and speak to you nicely. definitely made the right call by protecting your mom’s info- let her decide that
9
u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 1d ago
He has been historically very toxic. I knew going into this reconnection that I might need to bail quickly at some point. sigh
2
u/rshni67 1d ago edited 1d ago
Hope you have a good therapist to work out these issues. Mine warned me and i still tried reconciling, to my detriment. Abusers tend to know your weak points and how to push your buttons.
3
u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 1d ago
I do! My therapist has been with me through a lot and she knows the whole history. I have a great support system outside of my therapist too.
1
u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 1d ago
u/rshni67 btw, thank you for your kind comment on the sub thread that got deleted, about ignoring rude internet strangers. I went “no-contact” with that user and blocked them cause I don’t need that in my life! ✌🏻
8
u/Sailing_Eden 1d ago
"I really seriously dont care but tell me anyways or ill throw a tantrum about it"
😭😭😭
6
7
21
u/Sunbro_Kev 1d ago
I think you handled this incredibly well. Good on you. Your dad will have his feathers ruffled but that's just men lmao. Don't worry about it too much
-17
u/Xyypherr 1d ago
“That’s just men” Misandry. Both genders are capable of this, grow up.
-1
u/Sunbro_Kev 1d ago
Yeah big misandrist here for sure
-11
3
3
u/theLaLiLuLeLo_ 1d ago
I would tell him to talk to your mom’s attorney (who won’t give him the time of day lol)
3
u/More-Confidence-6108 18h ago
You've worked really hard on yourself and I can tell. I'm proud of you.
I agree this is actually kind of funny, but underlines the sad fact you and this man will just never operate in the same world.
1
u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 4h ago
Thank you 🥹
We definitely don’t, while he has (positively) surprised me over the past couple years in many ways, his issues are still there and it is really sad.
A long time ago, I decided that I could have compassion for him and the things he’s been through that made him the way he is, while also keeping myself safe.
Even if I end up going no-contact again, I don’t regret that we reconnected for a period of time.
6
u/Consistent_You_3908 1d ago
This is a gorgeous example of communicating kindly, but firmly- and maintaining a boundary in a healthy way. chef kiss
4
4
u/stpg1222 1d ago
Great response on your part. Really good job on holding your clearly defined boundaries. Keep it up!
2
u/MollyTibbs 1d ago
I’d probably have replied “ha ha, you are sooooo hilarious” then just ignored anything further he asked about your mum.
2
u/Melicious-Jellybeans 5h ago
Realizing I am probably the only one who will get this reference.
"Just like you said you hate the fruit leather." "I do hate it.... where is it?"
2
2
u/Turbulent-Bee-1584 1d ago
I'd say less. He isn't reading and absorbing all that. You were clear and explained already. "I'm not answering that" is enough now.
2
u/ranbowlegacy 1d ago
"Thank the gods I got my smarts from mom. I won't be speaking on this matter again. Should you press to break the boundary I have placed, our reconnection will swiftly be cut off."
2
u/mommawolf2 1d ago
Your Dad is very clearly uninterested in respecting your boundaries on this.
Just wow..
1
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Hi there!
Thanks for submitting to /r/texts! Please make sure you are blacking out any usernames, phone numbers, or full names! If you haven't, please delete and re-submit. If your text message is not between 2 or more people it is not allowed! Single messages/one sided convos are NOT allowed.
The full rules can be found here https://old.reddit.com/r/texts/about/rules/ Please note that this message appears on every post, and may not apply to your post.
Thanks!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/capitanooldballs 1d ago
I’m dumb - why does he care? I would ask him that if he hasn’t answered or you don’t know.
2
u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 1d ago
I think it’s a control thing. My mom’s health scare was the first time something has happened since the divorce that he didn’t have any involvement in whatsoever. I haven’t reached him since the texts, so I haven’t had a chance to ask.
1
u/Bakurraa 9h ago
i mean just ignore the question and talk around it
if all they ask is something personal you dont respond
1
1
u/Asurrraaa 1d ago
God dam I love how you articulate yourself holy shit. Straight to it ; powerful but not too powerful ; foot down but still open to move forward. God one day I’ll be there haha.
1
1
1
1
u/DevilsDad696 1d ago
How hard is it to say, "I don't know"?
2
u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 1d ago
Because that’s a lie and he would know it.
1
u/NickBurnsCompanyGuy 10h ago
You're too mature for your father btw.
They said it to you in a rude way, but the underlying advice is don't waste your breath on your dad, when "idk" will suffice.
1
u/DevilsDad696 1d ago
That's crazy. If I say I don't know to anyone, no matter who it is, the conversation stops right there
4
u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 1d ago
It’s because of the context of the discussion we had on the phone before the texts (which covered more than I addressed on the texts). He was aware I knew more than I was communicating, so saying “I don’t know” would have been an obvious lie.
0
-8
u/JGLuxe 1d ago
What is the point of divorce in your late 70s smh.
5
u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 1d ago edited 1d ago
You’d be surprised. I see it fairly often, but it’s always rough.
Edit: I’m a family law paralegal. By rough, I mean it’s often because of long-term abuse, highly toxic relationships, and it’s hard on the parties. But it’s usually a long time coming.
It was rough on my parents but I’m glad they did. I had been encouraging my mom to file for years.
5
u/famousanonamos 1d ago
Not spending the last possibly decade or two of your life miserable probably.
-17
1d ago
[deleted]
11
u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 1d ago
I was at work and had to process the conversation. He goes to bed SUPER early (before I get off work), so I would not have had an opportunity to express my boundary. We rarely talk by text. I’m frankly glad I got this in writing so he can’t gaslight me.
-17
1d ago
[deleted]
6
u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 1d ago
First off, I said I was “healed *enough* to see through him”, but I was also in the middle of work (I work in Family Law - it’s intense). Plus I am autistic and ADHD, and I sometimes have to process things further as my brain catches up.
I was holding boundaries within the phone conversation as well. He just said a couple things that I had to think back on to remember before I could respond, and the conversation itself had devolved so I ended it.
Healing, especially in relationships, is not an end point. It is a journey, and this was not like any other conversation we’ve had since we reconnected. He’s typically been respectful of my boundaries around talking about my parents with each other.
I think he had gotten used to getting more info than usual because my mom had given me consent to talk to him about her health issue, so I suspect that me holding boundaries again threw him off. If he continues with crossing boundaries, I will back off the relationship.
8
u/CapricornusSage 1d ago
healing isn’t linear.
-5
1d ago
[deleted]
10
u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 1d ago
I said “healed enough” to see through him. That is different than “healed”.
-1
1d ago
[deleted]
10
u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 1d ago
Because it’s not just about seeing through to toxicity, it’s also seeing through to the underlying fears or other issues.
One of the first conversations I had with my dad after we reconnected, he got a little snippy, but I realized it was because I was going to his new place for the first time and I think he was worried I was “spying” for my mom or some shit. Seeing through that gave me the opportunity to be honest about why I wanted to see him, what my personal goals were (which was all about getting to know him as he is now), and I was able to make my boundary clear that I would not be discussing anything about him with my mom and vice versa. His tone completely changed. He’s respected that boundary over the past two years until now.
We’ve had some very real and hard conversations about things from the past (where my dad showed accountability in ways he never has before) that have led to healing, and I’m not gonna throw away all of that over one conversation.
You know one snippet without all the context, history, and 43 years behind it. I’m a grown up and can handle this situation perfectly fine. I’m not in r/Advice for a reason.
-2
9
u/TDizzleDoT7 1d ago
I don’t think this is a conversation needed for the phone.. because it’s not a conversation that should even be had.. her dad is out of line and I’d rather have proof of these questions.. also some people don’t like talking on the phone.. you’rd kind of out of line as well.. a lot of assumptions you’re making
-11
1d ago
[deleted]
6
u/DissentingMama 1d ago
Honestly, you sound judgmental and toxic. You sound hurt and as if you are allowing your own feelings about your shit to color your thoughts on OP’s situation, which is unfair. It is better to come from a place of curiosity than judgement, if you don’t understand. I feel she has handled the situation marvelously. I can understand doing it through text so that words cannot be misconstrued or twisted. He cannot gaslight her or say again that he didn’t ask about the Trustee. She has clearly stated her boundaries so that if he continues to cross them she can let him know why she would choose to go NC again. She doesn’t need to immediately go NC. She can firmly set her boundaries and see how he responds. It’s her r/s with her father. It’s not for anyone else to dictate how she handles it. And, feeling you have that right, feeling you know best, being so antagonistic about it all…well, I feel that says more about you than it does about the OP. And I say that because I have been there. DBT therapy helped me. ✌🏻🫶🏻
3
u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 1d ago
Thank you! I am ready to go low/no-contact if I feel it’s needed. I do not feel it’s needed yet because I want to see how my next conversation (by phone) goes.
-1
1d ago edited 1d ago
[deleted]
6
u/DissentingMama 1d ago
Actually, relationships are complex and complicated. It can be a very difficult decision to go NC, and not one that most people make lightly. Especially with parents, no matter how abusive/toxic they may be. Speaking as someone who has been NC with both parents and a sister for 10 years, and other sister for 2. So I have NC with my immediate family at all and it is not easy. So saying “it is not that hard” is extremely invalidating and just shows an incredible emotional immaturity, imo.
4
u/TDizzleDoT7 1d ago
Your original comment did not just say “pick up the phone” it actually said that OP CLEARLY wasn’t healed from past traumas because of her actions both on text and posting it here - get out of here and go look in a mirror.
Glad you tried to gaslight us all through comments so we have it in writing.. 😉
13
u/KinsellaStella 1d ago
Did you not see the “I don’t remember asking who her Trustee is.” That’s why you text. Things stay in writing. You can’t “forget” you said that.
8
10
u/Moist_Carry_7054 1d ago
I prefer text, gives a paper trail.
-1
1d ago
[deleted]
9
u/Moist_Carry_7054 1d ago
Everyone.
I've resolved many complicated situations, personal, professional, and legal with simple screens hots or emails.
Protect yourself.
6
u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 1d ago
I’m a paralegal, lol. I’m all about documentation. I did also want my boundaries very clear and in writing so he has them as well, cause he does have some minor cognitive issues.
7
u/rubberfish613 1d ago
That may seem like it makes sense, better communication, tone, etc but in cases where money is involved, it can be REALLY HELPFUL to have written evidence of conversations if things ever go to court.
May not be the case here, but just saying--there are good reasons to have important conversations over text/email.
0
1d ago
[deleted]
5
u/Dizzy-Lawfulness4638 1d ago
You clearly don’t understand how family law works (there can be post-judgment hearings) or estate law. That wasn’t my initial thought though. I wanted to make my boundary clear and unforgettable because he is nearly 85 and his memory is not what it was.
6
u/BroadToe6424 1d ago
You can't understand why someone who was just surprised by an impertinent question about a loved one's legal and financial matters, from someone who has had conflict with the loved one in the past, would want documented evidence in writing of that conversation?
Even after you saw evidence in writing that the asker deflects concerns about the inappropriateness of asking by claiming they don't remember asking anything inappropriate and then immediately asking again?
-4
1d ago
[deleted]
9
u/BroadToe6424 1d ago
Damn, I can see why you don't like to text. It's definitely not your best format.
2
652
u/zorkempire 1d ago
"I don't care who it is. Is it you?"
Do people not hear themselves?