I think I might not actually be straight and might instead have a crush on my friend [F 15]

[u/Waste-Offer-7008]

(sort of long read sorry!!)

I’ve been friends with my friend for almost 3 years, and i’m not making this post as a push to ask her out or advice on talking to her. instead i’m honestly posting this to figure out if i even like her and more about my own identity?

I got really close her with super quick after a mutual friend introduced us. We talk 24/7 and there’s so much like flirty banter between us (but that’s not what i want to focus on..!)

To put it shortly… I just feel like I do things differently and I feel so much better around her? I already have a much closer best friend who when I compare how i interact between her and the friend i (might) have a crush on—the differences are so much more pronounced.

Like when I’m with my best friend — i can distinguish the difference that my love and admiration for her is platonic because she’s like a sister to me.

Yet when i’m around my *her*, it’s so much harder. I just kind of never want to stop talking to her. I feel as if like i want to know EVERYTHING about her. I love listening to her stories and i hope that almost every notification on my phone is from her.

I honestly think she’s so cute and i love her laugh and voice. I ruin my own schedules and my sleep just to stay up on the phone with her, it’s to the point where i stay up and end up falling asleep on the phone with her because i reached that level of exhaustion.

I honestly feel jealous at the mention of her dating anybody else. Even if she’s playfully flirting with our friends (just something everybody in my fg does) i only feel a certain type of way when she does it to anybody but me. I don’t find myself caring in the slightest when anybody else does it to one another—except when it’s towards her.

This is like so embarrassing but everyday, like literally everyday without fail—I imagine us living together, dating, or even kissing..?! I have like scenarios in my head about us and I’ve had dreams where we’re dating and doing couple things and it always lingers on the back of my mind.

I’m not against dating guys, i still find guys attractive. Though I just thought I wasn’t into girls because I’d never thought I’d ever date one.

BUT. I just feel like if she were to ask me out I might just say yes. I feel like i’m answering my own questions. I just don’t want to give myself a label without understanding or seeming ignorant.

Now, I’ve found girls attractive? In the past—I have dated a girl before, which was my first relationship. Since then however, I just believed I wouldn’t date a girl again and just leaned more towards men, so i just called myself straight since that’s what i thought felt right?

But when my friend is around I feel like everything I said is wrong. I just find her presence so comforting and I drop so much stuff for her all the time. She’s so funny and i look forward to seeing her. She practically consumes my thoughts 24/7. There’s nothing I do where I don’t think of her.

Every time I go out, I try and look and look a little bit more presentable or pretty just in the off chance I might run into her.

I don’t act like this or think of anybody like i do with her. lutrefgijbkires omg this is literally so embarrassing.

i just feel like i need an outside view since Im too scared to talk to anybody close about this. I can’t rlly talk abt this with anybody in my fg since it would make things awkward?! plus, im too reluctant to tell my best friend because discussing my sexuality is a whole nother topic..!

Sorry it’s so lengthy—any advice or even just personal experiences are fine!! I just need to get this off my chest if anything—it’s been eating at me for months and it’s not dying down 😞

[u/soulpoker]

It looks like you have two choices, tell your friend how you feel or don't tell her.
If you tell her you run the risk of making things awkward between you two. She might not be ready to have a close friend be more than a friend.
However, your feelings for your friend are probably already effecting your friendship. Your feelings might be causing some kind of tension between you two. I'm not saying this is definitely the right idea, but maybe you should consider getting things out in the open might at least ease things and maybe even turn that friendship into something more. Not promising anything but from what you say the possibility might be there, though the opposite might be true too.