Should I message my ex 6 months after our breakup? I want honest advice from people who have been on both sides.
Hi all,
The topic of sending a message to an ex involves a rollercoaster of emotions: anxiety, fear, apprehension, anticipation, courage, the feeling of crossing a boundary, selfishness, and hope.
Some people say, "You need to try; that’s the only way to get a definitive answer" (whether the person doesn't want you—ignoring or blocking you—or is open to starting a conversation by replying to your message). Or "If you still love her, you need to tell her". Others say it makes no sense to send a message and that one should move on—especially if you were the one who got dumped.
I'm considering reaching out after six months apart, but I'm struggling to decide whether it's a good idea. I'd especially appreciate perspectives from people who have contacted an ex after a breakup and people who have received a message from someone they explicitly asked not to contact them.
I’d like to thank everyone who took an interest in this post. Even though I condensed a lot of information, the post still turned out quite long. So, I’m very grateful to those who read it all the way through and leave their comments.
The good and the bad of our relationship
We met in early February 2025 and started dating in April. The beginning was wonderful. We were affectionate, had many interests in common, and genuinely made each other happy. I worked full-time while she studied medicine, and I traveled by bus to see her frequently, sometimes almost every week. I tried hard to be a supportive partner, and we talked about living together after she graduated. When things were good, I felt like I had found the kind of relationship I had always wanted.
However, we had problems from relatively early on. We both had strong personalities and could be stubborn and proud. I struggled with jealousy and controlling behavior, and sometimes I withdrew or made harsh comments instead of communicating properly. She had her own frustrations and expectations, and we often handled conflict poorly. At times, she would get irritated very easily; she was cold and would give the silent treatment.
Several things also added pressure. Around the time we started dating, I got my first apartment and adopted a puppy. I was adjusting to living alone while dealing with unexpected expenses, and I spent so much time traveling to see her that I sometimes felt I was paying for an apartment I barely used. My financial situation became stressful, and I didn't always communicate that well. She sometimes interpreted my concerns about spending as me blaming her, and she came to see me as financially irresponsible. I felt she overlooked the fact that many of my travel expenses came from trying to be present in her life.
My dog was another major source of conflict. She initially seemed excited about the puppy, but bringing a young dog to her apartment created messes, shedding, and extra work. I didn't always clean up as thoroughly as I should have, sometimes prioritizing time together over those responsibilities. She repeatedly told me she hadn't expected to enter a relationship and take on a dog, and that she didn't want to live with one long-term. She later acknowledged that some of her frustration with the dog was actually frustration with me and how I handled the responsibility. I acknowledge that; I was learning how to handle my first puppy while simultaneously investing heavily in a new relationship and in my independence. It was a really grueling year—emotionally and physically—as you can imagine.
Over the following months, we repeatedly fell into the same cycle: arguments, hurt feelings, apologies, promises to improve, reconciliation, and then more arguments. The distance, work stress, financial pressures, and differences in expectations all contributed. I often felt unappreciated for my efforts, while I believe she felt the relationship was creating more stress than happiness. We both considered ending things several times, but we kept trying because the good moments felt worth fighting for.
Looking back, I think we genuinely loved each other, but we accumulated too much resentment and repeatedly failed to change the patterns that hurt us.
The breakup and what happened afterward
We broke up at the end of April, one week after our one-year anniversary. She had become convinced our problems wouldn't improve, while I believed living together could make things easier. Our final conversations were painful. She focused heavily on my flaws, and I felt she was overlooking the good things I had contributed. I know I made mistakes, but I also know I tried hard to build a future together. I don't know whether her harshness came from accumulated resentment or from feeling she needed to make the breakup final because I kept trying to change her mind.
Eventually, she explicitly told me she wanted peace and freedom and asked me not to message her anymore. She said she would be happy if I stopped contacting her. I was devastated, but I understand that she was setting a clear boundary.
Afterward, we exchanged boxes containing some of each other's belongings, and we each included a handwritten letter. In mine, I apologized and thanked her for our relationship. In hers, she returned my belongings with a short, polite letter thanking me and wishing me happiness. At the end of June, I sent one final message expressing gratitude, saying I missed her, and wishing her well. She never replied. In retrospect, the message sounded more like a final goodbye than I intended, although I know that doesn't justify disregarding her request for no contact. We haven't spoken since, and she stopped following me on all social media but didn't block me.
How I've been doing and what changed recently
The breakup affected me severely. It happened during a transition at work, and my performance suffered. I struggled with sleep, appetite, motivation, and self-care. I've tried to recover by exercising and developing healthier habits, but almost six months later, I still think about her every day.
She graduated in August, and missing her graduation was particularly painful because I really wanted to be there. During the breakup, she told me she was very sad during the first week but eventually realized ending the relationship was the right decision. From the outside, she seems to have moved forward much faster than I have, although I know I can't truly know how she feels.
After graduating—and even before our relationship began—her plan was to leave her hometown and come to mine for her medical residency, since it’s the country's largest city and offers the most opportunities. When we were together, the plan was for her to move into my place, and I’d be there to support her so she could focus on her studies. Now that we’ve ended things, I have no idea what her plan is for moving here—whether she’s already moved or not.
I ended up seeing on a mutual friend's Stories that she had come to my city to take a course at a hospital. And that’s fine—I didn’t need to know that, and even knowing it didn’t change my life. But fate didn't spare me, and I discovered something that really shook me. I found out through a friend who uses Bumble that she was on the app and used it in my city while she was here for the course. Not even six months after the breakup, while I’m still living in seclusion and grieving. That was a stab in the heart for me, because I imagined she would have so many things to deal with at the end of the year—like finding a job, moving to my city, and studying for the residency exam—yet she is spending her time on dating apps and meeting other people. The same person who, when breaking up with me, said they wanted peace and to be alone. And before dating me, she went a year and a half without looking for anyone after her previous breakup.
I don't know whether she's met anyone, but one person she apparently matched with and started following on IG—I know, I shouldn't look at that kind of thing, but it ended up reaching me, and fear and curiosity took over—is someone I know personally. Yeah, I thought WTF, how is this even possible? She leaves her city, comes to mine for a course, downloads Bumble while she's here, and immediately matches with someone I went to college with—and didn't like. My world collapsed. That was last week, and I feel like the last few days have been the worst of my life. I know she's single and has every right to date, but the discovery hit me hard. I had imagined she might also be keeping to herself and recovering. Finding out otherwise intensified my desire to contact her, and I'm trying to be honest with myself about that. I don't want jealousy or fear of her moving on to drive my decision.
Why I'm considering contacting her
Reflecting on everything that has happened in the six months since the breakup, I’ve realized that I’m in so much pain because I still want to be with her. I miss her and I still love her. Or maybe I miss the idealized image of her I held, and how much more fun and easy my life was with her around—even with the conflicts—and how lonely I feel now. And perhaps I am loving the wrong person—someone who doesn't deserve this love and suffering of mine.
I'm not thinking about asking her to immediately resume the relationship. That isn't right, and it would never work. I'd simply want to find out whether she has any openness to talking and exploring whether we've changed enough to potentially build something healthier. An opening to start over, trying to be more mature. Six months might seem like a short time—and perhaps it is—but for me, after all that suffering, I feel I would approach things with much more seriousness now. The distance would work in our favor. The fact that she has graduated would help. Other natural life challenges would arise, but I would try to resolve them in a much more mature way now. Of course, this is the scenario I’ve idealized in my head—but one I would try to make happen in practice.
I'd want to understand how we both view the relationship now and whether the problems that led to the breakup could realistically be addressed. But I recognize that she may not want any conversation with me at all. She was clear about wanting no contact and never replied to my last message in June.
I also wonder whether I'm idealizing the relationship because I miss the good moments. Even if we still had feelings for each other, would our differences around conflict, finances, and having a dog make a healthy relationship unrealistic? Even though I’ve improved in many ways, she doesn’t know that; she wouldn’t feel safe betting on me.
Part of me believes that trying one last time might help me move forward if she doesn't respond. But am I genuinely seeking closure, or am I trying to justify doing something I desperately want to do?
What kind of message would be appropriate, if any?
I recently read a Reddit post from someone who received a message from an ex six months after their breakup. The ex simply said something like, "I woke up thinking about you and wanted to know how you're doing." The recipient found it vague, wondered what the ex actually wanted, felt their no-contact boundary had been crossed, and chose not to respond.
That made me question the common advice to send a casual, low-pressure message such as "I was thinking of you and wanted to say hi. I’d love to hear from you if you’d like to reply." Would a more direct message explaining that I still have feelings and would be open to talking be more honest, or would it feel even more intrusive given her request for no contact?
A close friend of mine reached out to his ex, and they eventually got back together, but they had ended things amicably and mutually. My situation is different: as I see it, we ended things with her angry at me, I kept insisting on reconciliation, and she explicitly asked me to stop contacting her.
I'd appreciate honest perspectives from both sides:
- Have you contacted an ex months after a breakup? Did you regret it, find closure, or reconnect?
- If an ex you explicitly asked not to contact you reached out six months later, how would you feel? Could time change your reaction?
- Is a direct, honest message better than a casual "Hey, how are you?" Or does the wording make little difference if the recipient doesn't want contact?
- Am I idealizing the relationship or overlooking fundamental incompatibilities?
- Do you think contacting her would help me move forward, or would it disrespect the boundary she set?
I'm genuinely open to criticism. Tell me if you think I'm being foolish, chasing someone who doesn't deserve me, or failing to recognize ways I hurt her. I don't want people to simply take my side. I want feedback that challenges my assumptions and helps me reflect on whether contacting her is the right decision at all.
This is a very important decision for me, and the feedback could genuinely influence how I move forward with my life. If you need more context about her personality, mine, our arguments, our finances, or the dog, please feel free to ask. I'll do my best to answer honestly.
My main question is: should I contact her after six months, and if so, is there a respectful, clear way to do it—or should I accept that her request from May that there be no contact is my answer?
Thank you for reading.