r/etiquette • u/Suspicious-Soil-7542 • 4d ago
Should a mother host a baby shower for her daughter?
I am old (54) and in the Deep South and was taught that immediate family members should not host showers. Recently, one of my daughter’s friends asked if I would be interested in cohosting a baby shower for my daughter. I responded that I would be happy to help in any way but I didn’t want to be on the invite as “hosting”. So gradually this friend has been giving me more and more responsibility for the shower and now she wants to have the shower at my neighborhood clubhouse. I absolutely do not mind any of this, but I just feel somewhat embarrassed because it is so counter to what I was always taught. Now I am reading online that it’s no longer considered poor etiquette for an immediate family member to host a shower? Is this true? I’d love to hear everyone’s perspective, but especially those in the Deep South—as I know etiquette rules are slow to change here. Thanks!
ETA…thanks everyone! I’ve read each of your replies and have decided that I can totally accept that the rules have changed and I plan to help out the friend monetarily and will provide the venue and make the cake (which I love to do). But I am not so progressive that I feel comfortable being known as the hostess, so I will do it on the sly. Old habits die hard.
I also wanted to clarify that although I now live in the South, it was my Midwestern family that drilled it into me that it wasn’t proper for immediate family to host showers for other family members. While I agree that the etiquette seems to be changing, it definitely was not ever a specifically Southern rule.
Last edit…I appreciate so much those that read and understood my post and contributed respectfully to help me come up with a solution. To those that were bothered by my post. I am sorry. This is an etiquette board. I came here with a genuine question about a rule of etiquette that I was raised with, as well as many other people. I am, however, open to change and genuinely wanted to hear what is considered acceptable now—because obviously it is different than what I was taught. A few took my question and jumped to some wild conclusions about my relationship with my daughter, my feelings about my future grandchild, and the area where I live. Your response says way more about you than it does me. I am beyond thrilled for my daughter and her husband and can’t wait to meet my granddaughter. I’m sorry your experiences in life have made that so incomprehensible to you.
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u/EvangelineRain 4d ago
Just don’t take credit as host. Guests don’t need to know the logistics or the details of funding. Modern showers are too much to reasonably expect any one person to pay for and plan.
For my friend’s baby shower, her bridesmaids cohosted, but after the shower, her mother gave us each red envelopes with, as I recall, money that covered a significant amount of what we spent. Same end result.
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u/Suspicious-Soil-7542 4d ago
This is exactly how I plan to handle it. I will do whatever to help, but just won’t take credit as hostess.
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u/Critical_Dog_8208 2d ago
Just wanted to say, I'm 72, and was raised that immediate family does not host. The way you're doing it if perfect.
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u/catscausetornadoes 4d ago
I’m in NYC, and I think you and I might be the only people left alive who know these rules. I promise not to tell anyone if you don’t. 😉
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u/EducationalWin1721 4d ago
I’m in Detroit and I remember that old chestnut, too. But that was then and this is now. Time to update things. Not a darn thing wrong with hosting. Some of those old rules made no sense and are for fuddy duddies.
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u/BobsWifeAmyB 4d ago
It’s the connotation of it. Like the family is asking people for gifts. That’s the thing that’s the stickler here.
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u/legitimatehotslide 4d ago
Eh but back in the day families were closer (and life was cheaper!). Times have changed.
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u/Minute-Frame-8060 4d ago
Alive and well in New England too (insofar as I am, and I am aware of the etiquette rule). Though thinking back on the shower before my grandson was born, it may have been her mother who hosted. I don't even know. Nobody cared.
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u/BobsWifeAmyB 4d ago
Oh no you all aren’t. I was taught that and everyone I know realizes it too. I’ve lived in 3 states: NC, VA & KY.
To me, in the South etiquette is pretty important.5
u/Familiar-Ad-1965 4d ago
TN. family does not host showers for immediate family. It gives the appearance of begging for presents.
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u/NYDancer4444 4d ago
That’s been the same for me. East coast, NY, NJ, Connecticut, & everywhere I’ve ever lived.
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u/Are_You_Knitting_Me 4d ago
Chicago, and we don’t believe in showers hosted by immediate family in my family or friend group. Can’t speak to everyone of course
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u/BobsWifeAmyB 4d ago
And some Moms to be don’t even have a shower.
Same with brides.2
u/Are_You_Knitting_Me 4d ago
Yes. I had a baby shower but no bridal shower, not really intentionally, just didn’t happen
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u/Prestigious-Fan3122 4d ago
No, count me in! My neighbor, who is older than I, and who has children older than mine, and I had that conversation. She said that when my last daughter gets married , she'd be happy to host a shower for her. Then, my neighbor got sick and died.
I'm 63, and, when I was a kid, if an immediate family member hosted a shower for someone, bridal or baby shower, talk around town would be, "Send you believe Mary's mother is hosting a SHOWER for her? How TACKY!"
Not too long ago, I heard someone say, "can you believe Mary's getting married and her mother isn't even giving her a shower? That's HORRIBLE!"
How will Freeze over before I host Shower for one of my own kids. Fortunately, my older kids are all already married, and their or their partner's friends or their coworkers hosted showers for them.
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u/Myshys 4d ago
The immediate family not hosting showers seems to be a piece of wedding etiquette that's fallen off the radar of most younger women.
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u/cookmybook 4d ago
My parents hosted my baby shower (NY) and I've never even heard of this rule.
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u/No_Gold3131 3d ago
It's not really a rule, it's just etiquette. The idea was that you don't ask for gifts for your own family.
And it's fallen by the wayside for the past few decades, so if you are younger than fifty, I assume you wouldn't have heard it. No one bats an eye now if mom or mother-in-law hosts a shower. It's done everywhere.
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u/OutsidePainter3548 3d ago
This is so interesting.
My aunt hosted the baby shower for my cousin's wife (so, the aunt of the baby's father) and I always thought it was so random and weird that she hosted it instead of one of the baby's grandparents.
I guess they were following etiquette.
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u/onedancetwoslice 4d ago
I think years ago, it was considered bad form to have an immediate family member hosting a shower event because it came across and gift grabby. Traditionally, showers used to be very modest events in someone’s living room with light refreshments and some smaller gifts being opened.
These days though, in MANY social circles, showers are much more elaborate and expensive affairs involving a much larger guest list, a rented venue like a restaurant, full meals and beverage packages, a certain degree of formality, no live gift opening, etc.
Because of the financial obligations involved in hosting with this evolving norm, it has almost reversed course and become rude to expect someone outside one’s immediately family to take on that cost and effort.
I think the traditional etiquette approach and this more modern expectation on hosting these events currently coexist and it depends what you envision when you think about a shower. The lines have become blurrier depending on your culture and expectations.
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u/diddinosdream 3d ago
This is how I see it, and every shower for people I know my age were hosted by the couple or the woman’s mother (in both New England and North Carolina).
I suppose I would also note that none of the showers completely revolved around the gifts, they were parties with games and food and socializing. In that way I think it’s turning into something similar to birthdays, where gifts are expected from guests but the hosts aren’t seen as being tacky or begging just by throwing a party to celebrate a milestone.
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u/PauseAdventurous796 3d ago
I am from the Midwest and have close friends in the a South (Alabama, Georgia and South Carolina) and can understand your concern on optics. I’m a decade younger than you are and know exactly what you’re referring to when it comes to hostess rules and etiquette. While much has changed there will be family and friends of family of different generations attending and you’re being mindful of this, no one should fault you for being self aware. I think where you’ve landed with your daughter’s friend is a great compromise. Assist her as much as you are asked to and able in the background while keeping her as the primary contact and recognized hostess of the event. Hosting the event at your club where you are a member is also completely acceptable, many clubs rent out common spaces for weddings etc to non-members as an additional source of revenue and no one will be bothered by this detail. It can accommodate a large group and cater, so this makes sense. Congratulations to your family on the arrival of a new baby and have fun!
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u/Boogity2024 4d ago
Years ago I was a moderator on a website for all things related to pregnancy, babies, children, family etiquette, inlaws, etc. One of the specific areas that was my responsibility to moderate was discussion on baby showers.
It was one of the most brutal forums we had at the time. Every single person was convinced their way was the only way, and everyone else was wrong! I was interviewed about it for a magazine article, and my personal opinion was that each pregnant mom should do what is typical and normal for their family and their social circle. For some, this meant self-hosting; for others, only close friends could host. For some, this meant you only have a baby shower for the first baby, as it is a "welcome to motherhood" shower; others saw it as a celebration of each baby so you should have a shower for each one.
I have lived in the Deep South. If you are in an area where women are wearing dresses and hats, not pants, to church on Sunday, you are probably in an area where you and your own family do not host your own baby shower. I suspect there are not alot of people around like you and me.
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u/Classic-Sink-4108 4d ago
I live in an area in the South where women wear dresses to church, and just attended a beautiful baby shower thrown by my friend for her daughter.
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u/Justadropinthesea 4d ago
I am in your age group and was taught the same thing- a family member should never host a shower for another- and I’m not even from the south. I’m a new englander. I would be very uncomfortable hosting this.
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u/teamglider 4d ago
I'm in the heart of the deep south, and I think you're fine.
Almost every baby shower in my memory had mom and/or sisters deeply involved. The invite doesn't usually list who it's hosted by, just who to RSVP to (if there's not an online RSVP, which is very common now).
now she wants to have the shower at my neighborhood clubhouse
That's just a practicality - I'm sure it's less expensive than other venues, and I think it would be crazy to pay a lot more just so that it's not at the mom's neighborhood clubhouse.
I think it's comical to say that family shouldn't host it because it looks like a gift grab, because gifts are the entire point of a baby shower. Everyone knows this.
You never see anyone complaining about parents hosting a wedding, lol.
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u/OGMWhyDoINeedOne 4d ago
I don’t get it either but I think back in the day, people served cucumber sandwiches and punch and had a registry. Now, It’s much harder to host at someone’s home since housing is so expensive and the party/celebration itself becomes so much more expensive and it’s not like I’m expecting people to give this expensive gifts. It’s really a way to celebrate the new baby for me.
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u/Guilty-Grade-8849 3d ago
Yes! I loved this. In our first home, everyone in the neighborhood was all starting out with their first homes and everyone started having babies. Someone gave a shower for everyone in the neighborhood that had a baby. But we kept it simple. We would make a homemade cake, maybe get some petit fours from the Publix bakery, set out some cheese straws or mini quiches, put a pot of Mom’s out as a centerpiece, and we called it a day. But it looked pretty, and it was manageable enough that we could do it for everybody. If we’d had this big hoopla Instagram worthy celebration with custom banners, we wouldn’t have been able to put the time or money into it for everybody. I cherish those days of simple baby showers for all the neighbors. We took turns and whoever felt like they had the bandwith to do it at their house hosted. I look at the neighborhood I live in now and most people don’t even know each other
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u/legitimatehotslide 4d ago
I think it depends. I’ve seen people have nothing listed on their registry cheaper than $200. All the items they wanted were very specific organic materials that were very difficult to find. They also had just moved into a $2M home. They also had multiple showers…
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u/mtnclimber08 3d ago
I know someone that sent out a registry for her upcoming puppy she bought from a breeder
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u/suejaymostly 4d ago
Or the graduation and wedding announcements from people you barely or don't even know (my husband's family has a billion cousins).
A baby shower is really an invitation to attend.
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u/mostly_lurking1040 4d ago
It's certainly is or was the rule that families do not host the shower. However, I've just observed it so many times, that I suspect that was more my mother and my generation somewhat. So probably for the last 20 plus years, not so much. That was probably the reason for you being contacted by the Fred who had good intentions and sounds like she wants to insure her friend has the party.
Honestly, back in the day, I'm sure Mom and an aunt or two or a sister or two were backing up the hostess, so look at it like that.
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u/Asking_the_internet 4d ago
As someone who was never exposed to this rule, can you explain why a close family member shouldn’t host? Why is it frowned upon?
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u/liberty_n_justice 2d ago
The thinking was that if immediate or close family was the host (a baby shower, a bridal shower, etc.), then there was a perception they were soliciting gifts for the honoree (the expectant mother, bride, etc.) which was impolite and tacky.
Not saying I agree, especially in today’s time, but this is the thinking behind the etiquette.
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u/readinghisWord 4d ago
I say, break with tradition. I think it’s wonderful that you want a part in your daughter’s shower. I hope y’all have a wonderful time.
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u/New-Flight7674 4d ago
I’m in the south and it’s totally fine in my area for the mom to host for her daughter.
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u/EighthGreen 4d ago
Obviously there are always going to be those who consider something that used to be considered poor etiquette no longer to be poor etiquette.
But regardless of who's right, you're technically OK under the old rule as long as nothing on the invitation and nothing you do at the shower identifies you as the hostess. Even if you have to correct people who mistake you for the hostess.
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u/consuela_bananahammo 4d ago
I was always taught it was rude for immediate family to host, and that a family friend or someone more removed like an aunt should do it. I am a millennial from the west coast.
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u/jacquiwithacue 3d ago
What is rude about it though? Why is a family member hosting your shower not considered generous and thoughtful?
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u/liberty_n_justice 2d ago
Because the old days of thinking was that the host was soliciting gifts for the honoree which was a faux pas. Not saying I agree, that’s just the way it used to be viewed (or perhaps some still think this way).
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u/Ok-Actuator8579 3d ago
First off Congratulations to you daughter (and you). Also, why does it matter? Isn’t the entire point to help her celebrate and prepare? The etiquette feels silly. Ps.. I’m not trying to insult anyone I’m just sharing my pov.
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u/Choice-Education7650 3d ago
I was taught the same thing. Someone a few steps back needs to throw the shower or it looks like a gift grab. Just because its online, doesn't make it true.
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u/JoyfulNoise1964 4d ago
I was raised that family members should not host showers. When my daughters have had baby showers they have been hosted by either their friends or my friends
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u/Suitable_Wolf10 4d ago
This is so outdated, just host it. I’ve never been to a baby shower not hosted by the mother, however my mother held the same belief as you so I didn’t get a shower because she assumed someone else would host and literally no family member or friend assumed my mother wouldn’t host!
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u/remotethrowaway2 3d ago
Same here for my bridal shower. Everyone just assumed someone else would host and apparently it’s poor etiquette to ask someone to host so I never brought it up. A few weeks before the wedding people started getting upset that there wasn’t a shower because they wanted to have lunch and play games and spend time together. I’m like, why didn’t you throw me one then!
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u/sassythehorse 2d ago
My mom felt the same way. I had to ask an elder in my church if she would organize a simple shower for me and I was super embarrassed because that is also poor etiquette. But people were asking me and I just didn’t know what to do.
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u/mariwirk 4d ago
Is it because her friend needs help financially to afford hosting it?
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u/Suspicious-Soil-7542 3d ago
No, I don’t believe finances are a concern. I do think that she is a bit clueless when it comes to “hosting” though. Adding that my daughter and I have hosted both a wedding and baby shower for this friend. I’ve decided to help her out a lot with the logistics but let her be the official “hostess”
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u/Classic-Sink-4108 4d ago
I call this change “ New Rules”. It used to be considered poor etiquette for Moms to host showers. They simply showed up. I recently threw my daughter’s bridal shower at her home. She does not have a bridal party ( calmest happiest Bride as a result) . Years ago, hosting showers was so much simpler. The showers were in someone’s home, with very simple decorations and food. Now… they have themes with lavish decorations so that the photos will impress on Instagram. I enjoy hosting and decorating , and welcome those details. I rarely post anything on Social Media. I do it because I truly enjoy it. One of my DIL’s Mother hosted her Bridal Shower, and my other DIL’s Mother and I threw her Bridal Shower. I threw my DIL’s Baby Shower, and my other DIL’s Mom threw her Baby Shower.
The trend now is for the Moms to throw the showers. Many of the young women do not have the money or the desire to do everything a shower entails these days.
Like most things… everything is so much more complicated now.
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u/CleverCat7272 4d ago
I live in Ohio and previously lived in southern Georgia. I learned the same rule. When I had my wedding and baby showers friends of my mom/MIL hosted… and they did the same for the kids of their friends. But I was recently invited to a wedding shower hosted by a mom. It was traditional in every way except the host. And I felt bad, because I would have been happy to host if I knew she was doing it before the invites went out. I do think things have changed. But I like your approach of doing the work, arranging for the clubhouse…while keeping your name off the invite. I would like to approach it that way for my own kids.
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u/sassythehorse 2d ago
People today seem to feel it is a burden to host and so nobody offers and nobody asks anyone outside of immediate family. To me it shows a breakdown of traditional social relationships and also probably is a symptom of people having kids later in life, moving away from home and having fewer mutual social connections in general.
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u/CleverCat7272 2d ago
I’m worried you are right. And if AI doesn’t kill us, it will only make this problem worse.
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u/Novelty6 4d ago
I had to host my own baby shower at 7 months pregnant and plan it all even when I asked my mom and sister for help they said they were too busy. I was very sad too cause the day before and day of 5 people bailed and couldn’t attend anymore
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u/justagirlfromtexas 3d ago
I recently hosted a baby shower for my son and DIL. They are mid 30's, all their friends are married with kids. Not one friend offered to have a shower. When I asked if she had a shower planned she looked sad and said I guess I'm not having one. I said OH YES YOU ARE and I planned it myself.
I grew up in Texas and it was always thought tacky for family to host showers. But if it meant that was the only way they were having one, you bet I was going to host it.
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u/piecesofflair37 3d ago
I'm 53 and I'm up north. Anyone can host. No one cares. It's 2026, not 1956.
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u/Pseudo_ChemE 3d ago
i'm midwestern from a Mexican family. it would be rude if family DIDN"T host the shower. different regions/cultures will have different norms. good for you for asking and doing research! enjoy the shower <3
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u/Impressive-Web-4325 3d ago
Well, I’m from the northeast (NYC) and I was always taught that it was extremely poor taste to host a “shower” or whatever for a close family member. But I do see that now, people think nothing of hosting various showers for THEMSELVES and then posting on Reddit that they’re insulted by the quality of a gifts.
One Redditor even complained that guests ate to many refreshments at a housewarming shower that she held for herself.
The bottom line is you don’t have to become a tacky person just because others have done so.
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u/ElectricalChapter522 3d ago
I am from the coast of Mississippi and live in Louisiana. I have only ever heard of close family members throwing the shower. My mom and sisters threw mine, and it is the same for everyone I have ever known to have a shower.
I am not sure if it is cultural or generational, but it is stranger to me that you aren't the one throwing it.
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u/readbackcorrect 3d ago
I understand exactly how you feel. I am from the north and it is absolutely a huge Social faux pas to host a shower of any kind for a blood relative. But my daughter-in-law have always expected me to do it. I do exactly what you do – I get one of their friends to do it, but provide the venue and the money for the food, etc..
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u/fragrant_flare7260 2d ago
I am a west coast grandmother, and was always taught that for a mother to host a shower for her daughter was very rude indeed, just asking for gifts.
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u/OperationFine8385 2d ago
I'm also from the south, aged 61, and have the same mindset as you. I was brought up that a mother of the bride, or the grandmother-to-be should not be the host of a shower. I would have an issue getting past that also, even though it sounds like it's perfectly acceptable in today's date and time.
Other things that I've been taught are no-no's that are apparently acceptable today: Asking for cash contributions to a honeymoon fund, charging guests to attend your wedding, expecting the bridal party to spend upwards of $1000 to participate in your wedding. These are things that still just blow my mind personally!
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u/Lucky-Berry-4252 4d ago
According to traditional etiquette, it’s not appropriate for a mother to host a shower for her daughter’s wedding. It’s proper for a friend to host the event.
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u/Minute-Frame-8060 4d ago
Traditional etiquette would have a lot to say about the Instagram-worthiness of it all. "It would be seen as boastful and gauche to put photos of elaborate festivities on the internet. A shower should be modest" lol.
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u/jkraige 4d ago
The thing about "etiquette" is that it's largely arbitrary and varies from social group to social group. I'm in the US but of Mexican background and I've never been to a shower that wasn't hosted by the mother, and no one has ever even thought about it. It's not rude, it's just kind of the obvious choice.
The whole thing about not having a family member host really seems to boil down to the disconnect between hosting a party just for presents, and not wanting to give up the party just for parents. It's like trying to find a workaround so you can still have your party that's just about people giving you gifts without directly asking for them, and I'm not sure a friend hosting in any meaningful way circumvents that and I think younger generations are changing they social norm regardless
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u/Minute-Frame-8060 4d ago
People host showers for themselves. They have showers for second and third babies and weddings. Anything goes, chaos reigns.
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u/dogmom603 4d ago
I am in the north east, and a decade older than you. I have always followed the traditional etiquette and did not host my daughter’s baby shower. Her good friend hosted - planned the menu, coordinated with the restaurant, sent the invitations, managed the responses, and decorated. It was my credit card that paid the tab for about 50-60 friends and family, but no one except her friend knew.
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u/Aggravating_Finish_6 1d ago
The cost is why this rule is wild to me and likely why it fell out of date. Showers are so elaborate these days, I couldn’t imagine asking a friend who is likely also young and might be just starting out themselves to foot the bill for that. Maybe in simpler times when a shower was more likely to be a lunch at someone’s home or a church hall.
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u/Slovakki 3d ago
This is why it is silly though. Who cares? How would anyone been know who hosted or helped with the planning and logistics? I have never received a shower invite and it highlighted who was the host. You can't assume by location either - my friends threw me a sprinkle for my daughter, but they did it at my house, so of course I helped. I just can't imagine spending that much time worrying about the logistics of a party to celebrate a loved one.
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u/_SmileCrocodile_ 4d ago
I’m in my mid 40s and I’ve never been to a shower of any kind that wasn’t hosted by family. The only rule I actually like is mom to be should only have 1 shower, not a shower or big production for every child they have.
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u/xeropteryx 3d ago
Sometimes I think baby showers can be justified for subsequent children, like if there's a ten-year gap between baby #1 and #2 and it can be presumed you no longer have all the necessary baby gear kicking around your house.
But in general, yeah, people start to lose their enthusiasm if you're having a baby shower for baby #6. Same as if you throw a lavish wedding for wedding #3.
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u/game-on-Vamos 4d ago
such an outdated Southern custom desperately trying to be resuscitated by old Dixie matriarchs…. it was never really about manners anyway. It was a status thing, with the "right" way involving a hostess outside the family.
hosting your daughter's shower is now widely accepted and often seen as a loving gesture.
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u/Suspicious-Soil-7542 4d ago
I know customs change, but I disagree that this was ever specifically a Southern custom. I am in the South now, but I actually learned this from my own mother, who was from the Midwest.
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u/thrallthekingshorses 4d ago edited 4d ago
To be fair, you stated in your first sentence that you're in the deep south and were taught that family don't host baby showers. You made it sound like this is literally a southern thing. Im from the Midwest and every baby shower I've ever been to has been hosted by a family member, usually a parent.
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u/Suspicious-Soil-7542 4d ago
I wasn’t trying to be shady or confusing. I have been here since I was 6, but my parents and all of my extended family are Hoosiers through and through. I pointed out that I was in the South because I specifically wanted some input from Southerners, because that is where i am located and because I know that the South tends to hang onto “outdated” etiquette rules longer (as I said in my last sentence). I honestly had no idea that saying my location would make my post so controversial.
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u/bulabulaNaka 4d ago
Honestly, with how elaborate bridal and baby showers have become, I have a hard time imagining a close friend being expected to host AND foot the bill for so much. I’m 30 and have been a bridesmaid, MOH, godmother, all the things! Most showers I’ve attended (I’m on the West Coast) have had 25+ guests, Instagram-worthy decorations, boujee mimosa bars, and charcuterie boards long enough to have their own zip code 😂 Beautiful? Absolutely. A small favor for a friend? That’s a lot!
I could see it making more sense with a casual shower at someone’s house or in their backyard, with simple food and decorations. But as expectations grow, I think it’s fair for the traditions around hosting and paying to evolve too.
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u/nolessdays 4d ago
Don’t know why this post came across my feed but if your mom or sister aren’t hosting your shower for you… then who is??? I find this completely crazy and am so glad I grew up with a more modern sense of etiquette. Deep South etiquette sounds exhausting and backwards
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u/Suspicious-Soil-7542 4d ago
This is not Deep South etiquette. While it might be outdated, this was completely normal etiquette (and still is, according to many responses to this post). I specified my location because I wanted to know what the current etiquette is in the area where I currently live. It’s clear that the “rule” varies widely regardless of location, but it seems that my post was seen as an invitation to hate on my location. I encourage you (and everyone) to read about this a bit before responding.
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u/Subject-Director-466 4d ago
Agree definitely not Deep South etiquette. I am born and raised in Chicagoland and raised that immediate family (mom, sisters) do not host a shower for their daughter/sister.
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u/Ill_Coffee_6821 4d ago
I’ve never heard of this and most of the baby showers I’ve been to were hosted by the mom’s immediate family 🤷🏽♀️
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u/dizzy9577 4d ago
It’s super regional and circle dependent. Some people would never host a shower for family and for some it’s the norm.
Do what you are comfortable with!
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u/EffieBoohoo 4d ago
I have never heard this in the Midwest and it has always been family who hosted our baby showers for my generation (millennial). My mom (Boomer) hosted mine at her community center.
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u/IOnlyReadTitles26 4d ago
There is no should or shouldnt.
If yourm want to. Do it. If you don't. Someone else will.
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u/SeedQueen22 4d ago
My mom and sister hosted my shower at my house. They did the planning, food, etc. I wanted them to be in the invite to know who to RSVP with. I think it’s fine and more normal these days.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 4d ago
I'm your age and from the deep south: I have never heard this. Often there are multiple showers- one for family, one for friends, and one from church or work.
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u/Different-Factor9726 4d ago
Today, it is so hard for young[people to get a start that they usually don’t have a home big enough to host a party, so parent’s involvement is so very helpful. Go for it! Have fun and take pictures .
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u/CoatWinter9234 4d ago
This is interesting! In my family/ culture it’s totally fine, my mom hosted both my bridal shower and my first baby shower. She wanted to pay for them …and I actually planned the baby shower because she was out of state, busy working, and doesn’t like to plan parties. It was a joy for me :)
Your solution sounds like a great way to do it. Hope you enjoy the party!
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u/Emotional_Camp_6583 4d ago
I was in the same situation as you. My daughter’s friend was the official host, but I paid for the food and some of the decorations and the place. Her friend did the lion’s eye of the actual work, and I was very low key at the shower.
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u/WeirdOk1865 4d ago
Never heard of these rules. The past two showers I went to, the mom hosted. And frankly I don’t understand the reasoning behind it.
I do think it’s rude to ask people for gifts without extending an invitation.
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u/FamiliarFamiliar 4d ago
My MIL hosted one for me when I was pregnant with our first. And that was 20 yrs ago.
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u/Single_Cancel_4873 4d ago
Interesting. My mom hosted my baby shower and all of my friends’ moms did too.
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u/Ok_Hat_6598 4d ago
I’m your age and remember being told this many years ago by own mother. I think this may have been the etiquette 40+ years ago. My sister cohosted my baby shower with a friend and I’ve been to many bridal and baby showers where a mother or a sister have been involved in the planning. It’s funny how those things we learn from our mothers can run so deep.
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u/LegitimateStar7034 3d ago
I hosted my daughters. We had it in our backyard. I borrowed a few easy up tents, tables and made all the food except the cake. Borrowed platters, drink containers from friends.
I think it was around $400 for everything, food, decorations, prizes for games, invitations, flowers for centerpieces (Walmart bouquets we separated). The thank you gift which was an individual s’more kit with a cute tag (Etsy, precut).
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u/CampClear 3d ago
My daughter in law's mom is planning a baby shower for her and I'm helping her. I also grew up in the south and my mom hosted a bridal shower and baby shower for me. I never thought anything about it.
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u/Aware-Locksmith-7313 3d ago
Not Deep South. It’s tacky for moms and fam to host such showers in most locales. Friends host.
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u/Ok_Team_931 3d ago
Italian from Chicago. Always has been only the parents/family host and pay for the shower.
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u/Penny4004 3d ago
Where I come from it is standard for the moms(his and hers), sisters/ friends to all cohost to.some extent. Primarily the moms.
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u/Edithputhy69420 3d ago
lol currently 7mos pregnant and had to firmly tell my gma, who I live across the country from, that it would be tacky and unwelcome for her to host a baby shower for me that I could not possibly attend.
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u/Which-Talk-3873 3d ago
Family members not hosting a shower of immediate family is not only a southern tradition. I am from the Midwest and was taught this.
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u/ThomasToHandle 3d ago
I'm not reading all of that, but my MIL and Mom co-hosted my shower
Why can't immediate family host!?
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u/No_Associate_4878 3d ago
I was also raised to o believe it's tacky to host a shower for your child, but I know a young couple who hosted their own shower (and never acknowledged the gift I sent without attending) so I have no idea what is acceptable these days.
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u/docbranamjane 2d ago
I never even heard of Mom’s not hosting the baby show. If I had a daughter, I would love to do it.
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u/JustaMom_Baverage 1d ago
I’m 52 and raised WAY up North. I also knew it was tacky for relatives to host showers for the bride or new mother. Not just a Southern thing.
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u/catscausetornadoes 4d ago
For folks who never heard of this, let me paraphrase Miss Manners. A shower is specifically a request for gifts. This considered tacky for you, or you immediate family to say to the neighborhood, “Hey y’all! Get over here and give Suzie STUFF!” The ideal vibe for both bridal and baby showers is that the happy young woman’s friends are so excited for her coming life event that they throw her a party, and include the women in her family as guests.
Everyone understands it’s not always like that, but one of the points of it is to let the younger generation take on part of the social calendar, and make the parties fit the young people- fresher, and done in newer styles. A passing of the baton, if you will.
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u/nurseasaurus 3d ago
But isn’t the point of a baby shower to “shower” the new mom with gifts?? Why is that tacky when everyone knows?
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u/catscausetornadoes 3d ago
It’s tacky to say “hey friends of my daughter, come bring her gifts!” ands not tacky for her close friends to say, “I’m so happy for Suzie! We should get together and throw her a shower!”
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u/Subject_Course_5700 4d ago
Etiquette has become more relaxed when it comes to who hosts baby showers. It's perfectly acceptable now for mothers to host their daughter's baby showers. No one is going to think it's rude.
I live in the same region as you. I've never heard anything negative about mothers being involved like that.
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u/BrokeTheSimulation 4d ago
In the Midwest in my circle it’s always been the brides family who throws the baby shower and the wedding shower.
Reading this post is so wild to me.
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u/TootiesMama0507 4d ago
I'm also in the South, and people regularly host their OWN showers now...and invite men. I think the "rules" have gone the way of the buffalo, at this point. 😅
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u/needsomesun 4d ago
I’ve seen the same. And I’m fine with it, some things need to change. I hosted a baby shower for my daughter because none of her friends could possibly afford it and asked me to do it. They helped… minimally 😂. Whatever, she had a great time. If anyone was offended by it, we’d rather they didn’t come anyway.
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u/NeverRarelySometimes 4d ago
Yeah, it's seen as a gift grab when the bride or mother-to-be has her own family host a shower. You're not wrong.
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u/dizedd 4d ago
I am 50-my mother hosted my baby shower for me 32 years ago when I was 18. A lot of very young women wouldn't know or be aware of the how and why to throw a baby shower for their friend, and before hormonal birth control, most women were young mothers.
So I think the "parents shouldn't throw the shower" rule wasn't particularly strict in many instances even when it was a thing. But it hasn't been a thing for a long time. Same as wearing black to a wedding-I would still NEVER do that lol, but I am not shocked when I see multiple other women wearing black at every wedding I go to now.
It's been very interesting to me how our generation was the first where having a baby before 22 or so was shocking, but when we were kids [and still now with our peers] the easiest way to guesstimate your friends parents age is to simply add 20 to however old they are :)
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u/Nearby_Syllabub763 4d ago
I'm in my 50s. I'm co-hosting my son and DIL's baby shower at my neighborhood clubhouse. The others hosting are her mother, the baby's godmother, and a couple close friends. DIL is also having a lot of input and doing things for her shower too. We are in the deep south USA. The rules have definitely changed.
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u/lilyandcarlos 4d ago
I actually thought, that traditionally it was the brides mother/sisters who hostet and not the friends.
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u/According-Option-656 4d ago
I think it’s silly not to.
My mother would host mine and not think twice about it.
Why do you not want to host? What’s embarrassing about celebrating your daughter becoming a mother and you welcoming a grandchild?
The Deep South also fought for the confederacy so I think it’s safe to say some of their “rules” are VERY outdated.
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u/UpNorth_8 4d ago
It’s not just the South. I’m from New England and you just did not host a shower for immediate family. When I married my shower was hosted by my 3 non-relative bridesmaids. My mother and sister were behind the scenes only and not on the invitation.
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u/JoyfulNoise1964 4d ago
It is considered a gift grab when hosted by family
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u/According-Option-656 4d ago
Baby showers are literally a party for gifts for the new baby. It’s in the name.
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u/Inside-Intern-4201 4d ago
Well considering I hosted my own baby shower, I don’t think it’s bad etiquette at all. I don’t think anyone will think it’s bad manners, but to be fair, I am not in the Deep South.
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u/wharleeprof 4d ago
I agree. I don't see how hosting your own party is worse than demanding that someone do it all for you.
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u/noplannostrategy 4d ago
I don’t think people are telling anyone to demand a shower. I don’t think you would get good results with that strategy. In my experience most events are hosted by friends wanting to celebrate the occasion. They take it upon themselves to coordinate the event. And I realize that some people host their own events. I am in the Deep South.
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u/LLD615 4d ago
I live in the north east US, and this is how it has been for every single shower I have been involved in as either a guest or host. I have found this varies based on where people are from which is why I specified where I live:
1) Bridal shower - hosted by bridesmaids, sometimes with help from the parents
2) Baby shower - hosted by parents, sibling or aunt (or close family member)
So essentially to me, it would seem common for the mother to be at least one of the hosts. I am going to one next week hosted by the mom and sister of the expecting mom.
That being said you of course shouldn’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with.
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u/Initial_Importance26 4d ago edited 4d ago
Maybe a mother shouldn’t host a wedding shower, but why not for a Baby shower? Celebrate, for heaven’s sake!
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u/Prestigious-Fan3122 4d ago
I'm a traditionalist when it comes to etiquette, but I'm surprised to find myself just now wondering, for the first time, if one of the reasons it was considered in poor Taste for the immediate family to host a shower is that, long ago, families were expected to send their daughters off into married life with a Hope chest, and with stuff to set up housekeeping in her new home with her husband.
Perhaps (on only speculating here!) in addition to it looking like a "gift grab ,"it was considered lazy/irresponsible or something else negative for a set of parents not to provide what was usual in customary to their daughters for her Hope chest or new, married life, to the extent that other friends and family had to fill-in what hadn't been provided.
Still, I'm not hosting showers for my own kids.
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u/Mordecai_Gist 3d ago
You can but only if you invite members of the family. Otherwise it looks like a money grab.
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u/ValMonty 3d ago
I was 37 when I had my first, and my mom was I think 70. Her and my older sisters threw my baby shower. To my knowledge, no one thought oddly about it. I’m not sure if this would’ve been different if I had been local, my husband and I moved across the country a few years prior for his work, and we planned a trip back to CA for the shower. I don’t think it’s weird though, just my 2 cents.
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u/OkTop9308 3d ago
My daughter-in-laws cohosted a shower for my daughter, but it was held at my house. They planned it, but obviously I had a role, too. I live in the Midwest.
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u/No_Bluebird7716 3d ago
Strictly speaking, you may offer your home as a venue but not invite, but that disappeared about the time Miss Manners hove in sight. It is perfectly permissible to host showers for relatives.
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u/hannahroseb 3d ago
I am aware of this etiquette but I think in this day and age unfortunately often the only person with the means to host a shower is an older relative, but it often works out in the way it has for you, where that person may help out financially but isn't the official host. For my shower for example, my mom is paying for it, my friend is the "official" host, and my sister is helping my friend with planning. I'm really grateful to my mom, not just for funding but because it means my friend and sister don't have to stretch themselves to pay for it, while I know that my mom can afford it. I'm sure some of this has to do with "event creep" where showers used to be a few friends at home for tea and cake and this didn't cost much. But again, because of the housing market and changes in when people buy homes, frankly neither I nor my friends could host that amount of people in our small apartments. Showers are also increasingly becoming co-ed, which I think is a good thing! But it also tends to mean a larger invite list. Sidenote: we are having our shower at a brewery and my mid-seventies stepfather cannot wrap his head around this :) Apologies for the essay, I think these things are interesting to think about!
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u/ImaBitchCaroleBaskin 3d ago
As a fellow southerner, I can tell you that all sense and sensibility is lost on this generation. There is no such thing as etiquette any more. And you are correct. Showers were always supposed to be thrown by friends, not family.
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u/imollyq 3d ago
That was many years ago. A mother hosting a baby shower for a daughter these days isn't considered unusual at all. We used to wear dresses to school, too, and would get in trouble if we wanted to wear slacks, but the world has changed. Even in the Deep South how often do you hear people saying yes ma'am and yes sir? When I was young, it was every day, all the time. I'm 71 years old. Times change.
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u/MasterpieceOk1517 3d ago
I agree with your earlier rule that family shouldn't host showers. It seems like being needy and asking for "handouts".Same goes for family serving at wedding receptions etc. To me family of bride/groom are guests and should be allowed to participate in the festivities and not have their time there be turned into a responsibility like they are "wait staff"
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u/Excellent_Meaning_85 3d ago
Never heard of this for any kind of shower (baby, wedding etc). Im in Canada.
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u/Extension-Wedding-74 3d ago
I'm from the midwest and its almost always parents throwing the shower. No one bats an eyelash.
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u/no_one_you_know1 2d ago
It was always rude to host gift-giving parties for relatives. Period. But apparently, anything goes these days, right down to people complaing when gifts don't meet their expectations.
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u/Key_Door_3535 1d ago
My sister in law is having her third baby next month. Her mother and my mother are co-hosting the shower at my Mom’s church. This is not unusual. (3rd baby showers might be but it’s been 11 year since they had their last child).
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u/Snoo_79953 1d ago
We don't do that. It's begging and it's tacky. Does the bride not have any friends or cousins?
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u/girlmom9420 1d ago
that's so strange because I was taught mom is not supposed to do anything with the shower except provide a theme and maybe approve decorations and food.
my mom and sister did mine.. I kind of played hostess tho because everyone came for me, not my mom lol
I think you not wanting to be labeled a host is perfectly reasonable, especially if you're providing money.
I DID have to go half on the venue we picked, which I didn't mind, but everyone else paid for the entire thing.
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u/EtonRd 4d ago
Yes, you’re correct. That traditional etiquette is that immediate family members shouldn’t host the shower. But in reality, these days it’s much more common than it has been in the past for a close family member, including a mom, to host a shower.