r/Purdue • u/strawberry-sorbet801 • 25d ago
Question❓ Please help.
I'm not gonna lie I thought this year would be better than my freshman year (last year) but I am just really struggling and I'm really losing my will to keep going. The classes are hard, my major is hard. I'm struggling with ADHD, DSPD (which is a sleep disorder), depression, anxiety, and trauma. I am getting professional help for those things, and I do have accommodations but it's still so hard. I got a 35% on my quiz, I can't understand anything I learn in my class, but my Dad thinks I am just not trying hard enough. I don't know whether or not I should drop out this semester and do something else, but I don't know what. I don't know if school is for me anymore. Part of the problem is that my Dad doesn't believe that ADHD is a real thing and he doesn't believe that I have it. He also is not letting me switch my major to something I'm interested in but I genuinely can't do my major. I have tried to tell him it feels so depressing to me but he just tells me "it's not" or that everyone has to do things they don't want to do. Thing is, even if I do drop out, life is still hard, Life is just hard in general, maybe I am just stupid so that's why but I don't know what to do. Please help, I am barely holding on.
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u/Artistic_Baker4145 25d ago
Hi! Do you have a therapist you can talk to? I know things feel very all or nothing right now, but you don’t have to figure it all out today, at least not tonight. Maybe write down everything that is worrying you right now on a piece of paper, then go to bed, watch something you enjoy, and eat something yummy. Tomorrow, with a rested mind, you can review them and start thinking of a game plan for each one.
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u/Flimsy_Logic 24d ago
Life is indeed hard. Especially in the economy we’re living in right now. I’m glad you have professional help and I hope you have a good medication routine to help you. Your dad has no control over the help you get.
If you can’t switch, I suggest treating your classes like a job. Get up in the morning and get ready and go to a study area outside your room. Put on headphones and go over the class information. Ask yourself, “If you were going to TEACH this class, how would you teach it to you?” Put the information into AI and ask it to explain it to you like you were 10 years old. Don’t use AI to cheat, use it to understand. It changed the way I studied and it changed my outlook on school. As adults we have to work, and we have to do things that we don’t want to do. Having the creativity to find a way to make it fun will help your resilience as you move through.
You got this.
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u/ElectronicCatPanic 24d ago
Hey, just a thought experiment: what if you simply resent your dad? Its normal. Its a part of becoming an adult. Your resentment is late, usually it comes around puberty, but here you are.
That resentment is why your major is tainted in your eyes.
That resentment is why the major is not interesting to you.
Humans can't learn something they aren't interested in.
You are not stupid, you are lost. You are not mature, yet. It's all fixable though.
To regain yourself, stop concentrating on your dad. Think logically what is your best major to become an independent adult. It could just be the same major you are already in.
Then once you don't feel the resentment towards the major, find something to like in it.
Trust me, there is something to like everywhere.
Once you find what you like, double down on effort. People begin to love what they invest their time into.
And don't forget the simple truth: exercise to help your sleep, sleep to help your study, study to help your grades.
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u/strawberry-sorbet801 24d ago
I don't think I resent him, I just don't like this major very much. I have been trying to find something to like in it but I'm not finding much... every time I have to go to a recruiting/job career fair event I just want to die.
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u/ElectronicCatPanic 24d ago
Well. Dude, what is your major? Lets me see how horrible it is.
Literally thousands of people outside of the college walls want to get in, but don't get the chance like you got.
What do they see that you dont see? Ask your self that question.
You should to pay more attention to other people to really see how most are struggling and trying to make the most of it simply by winging it most of the times.
So if you are waiting for some grand revelation, you are confirming my assumption that you are simply lost. There isn't a magic sauce.
Just boring ass shit, good regim, habits, eating, sleeping, and doing the mundane work like studying. This is the only path to sustainable future as an independent adult.
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u/alukala 25d ago edited 21d ago
If it’s truly beyond you ability. You may need to stop, return home, think for a short time, and continue schooling at a junior college to figure what you want to do. Head to counseling right away to get further help and what you should do. You have figure it out yourself since people can guide you with different alternatives but you have to do what is best for you. You got into the school since you have the ability to complete a degree but need to pick a major that best fits you. Look at Shane Hummus videos to see what majors would have best value for the for potential work and job market. You need to have some passion in the major but the driving focus needs to be what is marketable for actual job. See what jobs are available for specific majors.
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u/Broseph170 24d ago
Idea: what if you just switch your major and don’t tell him? You can remove his access to ur Purdue account. Deal with his anger later? Don’t kill yourself for a degree you hate.
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u/strawberry-sorbet801 24d ago
I would, but he comes over pretty often and studies with me/goes over what the classes teach and if I switch my major/switch my classes I don't know what to do when he comes over
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u/Hungry_Freedom_8664 24d ago
Re access - as a parent I only wanted to see bills and all I've asked for is ability to see the bursar's page to pay. You should know that the itemized statements parents have access to do include which classes you're taking. So, you really would have to cut off his access completely and just have him transfer you the money to pay. Not sure how that would go over.
How is it going right now - is he aware that you're struggling in classes? Is paying for a tutor an option (or has he decided his tutoring is plenty?). You're really kind of in a rough spot because some parents do expect a lot of control if they are paying. The best way out of that is to pay for it yourself (as I did decades ago when I went to college from my small town - but college was not nearly so expensive then). Is there a second parent, and are they are supportive or just agreeing w/him? What would they do if you just decided to take a semester off?
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u/strawberry-sorbet801 24d ago
Oh I didn't know he could see which classes I'm taking in the itemized statement. He knows that it's hard but he's still not letting me switch majors. There's not a lot of tutors for my classes that I can find. My other parent passed away last year. I don't know what he would react if I took a semester off
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u/Hungry_Freedom_8664 24d ago
Ah, I see. You've been through a lot, and I wonder if grief may be manifesting itself as well. I like what one of the other posts said about maybe having a therapist be sort of a mediator in the situation with your dad. Then it might be possible to suggest taking a little time off to sort out your thoughts, without it blowing up into a big fight or something. I'm really sorry you are going through this.
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u/Working_Painting6865 24d ago
I am so sorry for your loss. Tell your dad that you are interested in exploring a semester off to take control of your mental health. Ask if you can look at financial impact of doing that and working i stead of school. Have you asked your dad why he insists on the major?
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u/purdue59 24d ago
Life happens and interests change. I bet if you ask a 50 year old if they are doing today what they thought at 18 or 19 vast majority would say not exactly or not at all. Better to walk away for a bit, figure out life, and long term goals. Get a job doing something, learn a trade, or join military for a while. A friend son joined the Air Force and is a fireman. When he gets out of service, he will easily get hired onto any fire department anywhere in the nation. There’s lots and lots of jobs in the military. You just have to choose something that equates to civilian life.
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u/Agile-Eye-8390 24d ago
Your dad loves you and probably thinks you're near perfect. He has high expectations for you. Just relax. He's just worried about you. He'll probably be happy if you end up successful, no matter what field you study.
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u/QuirkyMall5006 22d ago
My dd has adhd and op like your dad I have sometimes seen her lack of effort as not trying hard enough and not the adhd . You are obviously intelligent to be at Purdue . Questioning life is a huge red flag . Your family would be ruined without you here . This is temporary. If you can’t dig in to this major switch ! Parents love a plan . Go to the counselor get all the information on biology and vet tech then present that to your dad. You could also ask your counselor for a family meeting .
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u/PhDRN 24d ago
Let’s be realistic, what would happen if you just changed your major without telling anyone? What’s the worst thing that could happen? If you really don’t want to pursue this major the switch or better yet, take a semester off. Take care of your MH. Do you have any idea what you really want to do? All that money and time wasted to get a degree only to be miserable and ending up back in school for the degree you really want.
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u/strawberry-sorbet801 24d ago
I originally wanted to do something related to biology. I'll try and figure something out, thank you
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u/Curious_Yak3376 24d ago
i cant rly help with the dad stuff but just want to let u know that ur not alone. purdue is hard. it's not a top STEM university for no reason (assuming ur stem). its completely normal to have rough days and rough exams and even rougher grades. thats just part of how it is. the only thing i would suggest is to try and keep ur mind on the positives. there were days that i straight up felt like dropping out because no matter how much i studied, ppl were getting better grades than me with minimal effort. i know it feels hard right now but ur never gonna be in college again. so try and take advantage of all the small comforts college life provides. try to spend time with ur friends, go on a nice walk at night, treat urself to ur favorite coffee or pastry on campus, participate in random uni events, etc. these are all small things that can make ur week more enjoyable and help keep u motivated. and as someone who just graduated and left purdue, these are the things that u tend to miss most about the uni life. if u genuinely don't enjoy ur major, theres not much i can say about that. but if u like it and just feel unmotivated / depressed because of how hard it is or ur grades, dont worry at all. just grind it out for now and youll be done with the academic stress in no time.
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u/katsudon-bori 24d ago
What are you interested in doing? A four year degree is not necessary for success. I work with a lot of trades that are happier than people with a BA/BS and are earning more.
I ended up going on my own and moving out here because I applied to Purdue on a whim. My parents definitely didn't approve but they weren't going to do the work. I the end they accepted it.
It sounds like your dad is the one who needs therapy...
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u/strawberry-sorbet801 24d ago
I wanted to do biology or something with animals.
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u/katsudon-bori 24d ago
I don't know your current major/classes, but Veterinary Medicine might be an option. I wish I knew about this a long time ago, but how about Veterinary x-ray tech? Ivy Tech has an x-ray program in Terre Haute and IIRC Warsaw and other campuses.
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u/atx78701 24d ago edited 24d ago
most people think reading is studying, it isnt. Reading gets you almost nothing. To learn things you either need to solve a problem or do active recall.
- Put all your material including questions into AI
- have AI generate questions
- studying is literally answering questions for as long as you can stand it
- do spaced repetition of your questions (AI training programs will do this for you)
When you get a question wrong, read about how to solve it/answer it. The AI will log it as missed and give it back to you. It will take questions from yesterday and give them back to you. Then a few days later. Then a week later. The act of dredging it up will make it stick
Now you are literally just answering trivia questions for 3-5 hours a day. You can measure the questions, see statistics, get an estimate of progress, see weak areas etc.
When I was your age, I wanted to study biology and go to medical school. My parents forced me to study electrical engineering instead. Saying that you cant get a job with a biology degree, but that I could go to medical school with an engineering degree, and could still get a job if I changed my mind. I ended up doing microbiology/EE, going to medical school for an md phd, then dropping out to join the dot com boom. Ive been doing tech ever since.
University is to get a job (lots of people believe otherwise). Some majors will not enable you to get a job and are a waste of $100K+. Your dad knows this. I also would not pay for my daughter to get a fine arts degree (and many other degrees). Yes life is always hard, but is way easier than when we had to find our own food.
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u/strawberry-sorbet801 24d ago
I actually do do this (the AI making practice problems) Despite that I still got a 35% on my quiz. I studied a lot. I actually also wanted to do biology/biochemistry but my parents say the same thing, that I can't get a job with a biology degree.
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u/atx78701 24d ago
im not as hardcore as my parents and my daughter is doing a biology adjacent degree at purdue.
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u/cjhur1329 24d ago
I'm old...I graduated from Purdue, I was smart enough in the early 70s to get into the pre Vet program as a female...I do believe I had some kind of thing that back then was not a thing like adhd which as a female presents differently....I seem to have many of those traits as an adult. I HATED chemistry and had some block...so...PreVet was out. Had to recalculate in my Freshman year. I LOVE people and society and study systems, watching people so luckily my parents let me switch to Soc/Psych and then added a minor later in English ..I am a published author now and worked as a volunteer manager all my life, planned programs for kids...pretty good stuff. Could you and your counselor look into dropping your father's funding and applying for grants, scholarships, workstudy whatever...there are a lot of ways that you can figure this out....first is to figure out what you like. Maybe try to semester off...STAY IN LAFAYETTE....get an apartment and do some part time work/part time school. My middle daughter is a massage therapist who worked with corporations to ease stress. Its been lucrative but is hard on hands. So, a college degree is not always the thing...but you do have to have life experience to know wha tit is you'd like to do...that means you have to break free and do life....I understand fear and doubt...life is challenging...you can figure it out...most of all be kind to yourself...you are young ...it'll take time...but that's ok....Good luck. Purdue and Lafayette is an outstanding community...i know because I've lived a lot of places. Be kind to yourself and try not to judge yourself lacking because you can't decide ...there are a lot of interesting things out there.
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u/Similar-Resource7453 24d ago edited 24d ago
Firstly, I am sorry for your loss. That is going to weigh heavily on you and the only thing I can say is that I’ve been there. It’s been a few years since the loss of my Dad and the pain never goes away. It hurts, but over time you replace that pain with the good memories and you stay focused on that. That will help with mitigating the hurt. Now add in college, a tough major and your Dad wanting you to stay the course. It’s a rough road.
Some thoughts from some one who has been there:
College can be a rough time. When I went to Purdue many years ago, I felt lost and I wasn’t sure what I could hold onto. Classes were tough (probably for the first time in my academic career) and I wasn’t sure if I would get through. I found a good friend and we spoke about it. I didn’t change my major, but I found ways to manage the classes I took to give myself time to work on the material and it worked.
It did help that I was able to talk about things and see where I was conceding defeat because of anxiety (with anxiety you can create an abnormal fear of the extreme happening when it won’t.) It becomes all-encompassing, and you get stuck in a loop. You can get out of it. Find the fear, and trace back each and every thought until you get to that one thought that is causing all of it. Ask yourself, is this rationale or not. Most often the fear of failure, leads down a road of panic, helplessness and defeat.
Instead look the fear straight on and say “how can I really fight it,” and “what skills can I use (your therapist can greatly help).” This might be alternative methods to speak to your dad, maybe other ways to approach your classes. That is something you and your therapist should explore.
There is a light at the end of this dark tunnel and you will, and mean will, emerge from it and will feel better.
I was in your shoes. I overcame the panic, learned that it will never go away, but I learned how to address it. Yes, my ADHD did not help, but I learned how to recognize what was happening and work on stopping it. It is not easy, especially in college and the pressure there, but you can do it with the proper help. You can do it!
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u/ploomyoctopus PhD 22, now admin 23d ago
Is there an option to double-major? How much extra work would that take?
Alternatively, it's not impossible to do college on your own -- so call your dad on it. Tuition is paid for this semester, so you have a few months to figure out your next step. That next step might be getting the remainder of the basic courses done at a local CC, and will certainly mean getting a job to help support yourself.
Also, I see that your mom died (which sucks -- the Dead Mom's Club is the worst club you never wanted to be part of). Any chance she left money to you that you could use to cushion the blow?
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u/FirstKaleidoscope917 23d ago
You’re so young! You have lots of time to take a break and come back. Lots.
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u/blonde_on_grayce 22d ago
My friend, you are depressed. Purdue has mental health support for students. PUSH should be able to help you find what you need. Also, FERPA should protect your academic privacy from your dad should you switch majors. Hang in there.
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u/phanophite2 22d ago
I'm sorry this happened to you. Your generation deserves better than what you've been sold.
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u/Nosy-ykw 22d ago
I am so sorry for your loss of your Mom. That has to be so hard, especially at this time in your life. I’m guessing this means that your Dad lost his wife, or maybe former wife, if they weren’t together. Either way, he’s likely going through some grieving, too.
Maybe the control that he’s taking over your studies (choosing your major, paying for it & his frequent study visits) are about some sense of obligation to your Mom. Feeling like he doesn’t want to “let her down” somehow. Evaluating himself on how he’s doing by how you’re doing with school. And he’s defined what it would look like for you to be successful.
If that’s the case, (I’m back to the counselor setting you two up with some mediation sessions), maybe he could think of your Mom being happy with you being successful in something that you love to do.
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u/Nosy-ykw 25d ago
I don’t know what your major is, but your comment “not letting me switch my major to something I'm interested in” hits me the hardest.
It sounds like you’re spending a lot of time and angst on something that isn’t setting you up for what you want to do in life. This would be the topic I’d be discussing with my therapist and Purdue counselors right off the bat.
It seems that working for something that you want to do and love could change a lot of this. Even if it meant going somewhere else to do that learning. Maybe not even a “traditional” 4-year college?