r/BenignExistence • u/Huge_Neck_7147 • 2d ago

One thing I appreciate is when people give an actual answer instead of saying “we should catch up sometime.”

Like, pick a day, suggest a place, make it happen. No elaborate planning needed.

It's surprisingly refreshing when someone makes spending time together that easy.

72 Upvotes
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30

u/hippiespinster 2d ago

I feel this so much more post TBI. Help me share the cognitive load. And don't fake it if you don't mean it. Also, if I do the work and it falls apart, I'm not doing that again. 

13

u/No_Calligrapher_2473 2d ago

My gosh I could cry reading your comment. A little relief I’m not alone with this, but also feeling that struggle so hard. I’m four months out from getting a TBI and it is unbelievably hard to navigate half effort communication and friends who want me to do the level of lifting I’ve always done.

6

u/hippiespinster 2d ago

Hug. I was basically forced to focus only on the people who could meet me where I was, not where they expect me to be. I did have to advocate for myself a bit. My speech therapist still tells people the story of the first time I met my undergrad group and arranged my friends from quiet (closer to me) to loudest (furthest away). 

I lost a few along the way but I have made peace with it. I already had some experience with this kind of loss and grief when the same thing happened after my mom died. My community now is so supportive and I find myself with incredible people so it was a worthwhile journey but there were many conversations with various therapists. 

1

u/No_Calligrapher_2473 2d ago

Thanks for sharing your journey. It’s helpful to hear how it has led you to a supportive group of friends. I feel happy for you just imagining what that must feel like after managing deep loss.

Quiet closest, and loudest the furthest, is such a nice and simple way to describe what I’ve been shuffling. I’m going to use that visual when I’m feeling stuck or overwhelmed by it. It really does hurt when you realize some people just aren’t going to join the journey, but I’m endlessly grateful for those who have.

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u/hippiespinster 1d ago

I am an Eldest Asian Daughter and I also had to learn how to ask for help without reservations or expectations. The disappointment is still real but I have learned how to take it less personally and move on quicker to someone else who can help. Check out the TBI and concussion subs if you haven't already. 

3

u/No_Calligrapher_2473 1d ago

I am also an eldest daughter. Learning to ask for help easily, and without emotional attachment, really is a learning curve. Thanks, I’ll check out those subs.

7

u/Horror_Signature7744 2d ago

It’s a disingenuous nicety not unlike “how are you?”.
Nobody really means it though I think they would say something like “nice seeing you” instead of “we should catch up sometime” if they didn’t actually like you because, well, you might actually call.
Of course that leads to why don’t you call them and make a plan? They could be wondering the same thing.

6

u/Wise-Initiative9520 2d ago

Guilty. You're right of course but I hate social engagements, even though I love my friends.

9

u/CountySpook 2d ago

If they wanted to, they would.

3

u/purplelilac701 2d ago

I’m bad because if I don’t want to meet up I say we should. Cuz nothing happens if I don’t start the plans.

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u/growthgrindset 2d ago

I have friends who will plan when the next activity is when we’re at our current activity. Then, we both put it in our calendars. I love them.