Hi everyone,
Making a post like this is very much out of character for me. It's pretty much the opposite of what comes naturally to me, and even though this is anonymous, I still feel quite a lot of shame and embarrassment about posting it. Furthermore, I normally avoid online spaces focused on these kinds of problems. In a way, I try to convince myself that I'm just a normal person living a normal life, partly because I don't want my problems to become my entire identity. I also experience that reading about other people's struggles can become a feedback loop: I recognise more and more of my own problems, reinforce my negative self-image, and end up feeling worse. So I usually prefer to stay away from these spaces.
But I thought I'd give it a try anyway.
I'm in my early 30s and from the Netherlands. I've struggled with severe social anxiety (avpd) and depression for pretty much my entire life. At my lowest point, towards the end of my teens, I had completely isolated myself. I'd pushed almost everyone away, barely did anything, and was severely suicidal. I was still living with my parents, and life felt pretty hopeless. I've had individual and group therapy and tried several antidepressants, but none of it made much of a difference.
Over the years, I've somehow managed to move forward in certain areas of my life. I've finished my education, have a good job, live with my partner, and have a relationship. From the outside, I probably seem like a perfectly normal person. I realise that some people might read this and think that I can't have AVPD, or that it can't be that severe if I've managed to accomplish these things. But trust me, I do. I'm 'high functioning' in certain aspects, but it's extremely hard. Most of the time, life feels more like surviving than actually living.
One thing that's still missing from my life is friendship. I have mixed feelings about friendship itself. Part of me isn't even sure whether I really want it, or whether the thought of getting close to people just feels exhausting and intimidating. At the same time, I do feel lonely, and I feel the absence of friendship in my life. I find it incredibly difficult to make friends, especially at this age, when it feels like everyone already has their own established circle. The truth is that I haven't really tried that hard to make friends either. I tend to avoid putting myself in situations where friendships might develop in the first place. It's easier to avoid the possibility of rejection and discomfort, but that doesn't mean the loneliness doesn't hurt.
I'm currently dealing with a pretty severe depressive episode. Normally, I just ride these periods out until I start feeling somewhat better again, and then I slip right back into my usual routine and avoidance patterns. Nothing really changes, and I end up in the same place again. This time, though, I somehow feel an urge to actually take action and try to change something, despite how depressed I'm feeling. I want to try to break that cycle rather than just wait for this episode to pass and eventually fall back into the same patterns.
I thought there might be people here I could connect with. Perhaps having something significant in common could make it a little easier to get to know each other. I'm not necessarily looking for someone to just commiserate with about our problems. I'm absolutely open to talking about social anxiety, mental health, loneliness, and all that comes with it, but I'd also like to actually do things together and build something beyond our shared difficulties.
I'd like to try new activities, go places, have conversations about all sorts of things, and gradually try to build a genuine friendship. Maybe we can encourage each other to step outside our comfort zones a little. I think it would be nice to understand each other's difficulties while trying to have fun.
I'm the introverted type, high in neuroticism, submissive and conflict-avoidant. I tend to overthink things, and social situations don't always come naturally to me. At the same time, I'm fairly rational, down-to-earth, and non-religious. I'm probably not a stereotypical Redditor, either. I'm not particularly political, not especially left-wing, and not really an activist type. I go to the gym and enjoy trying new activities from time to time, including sporty things, even though I'm not necessarily good at them. I don't have any major hobbies that define me, but I'm generally open to trying things.
I'd ideally like to meet people who speak Dutch or live in the Netherlands, simply because it would be nice to connect with someone nearby and potentially meet in person someday.
If any of this resonates with you, feel free to send me a message. We can just start with a conversation and see where it goes. And if you're anything like me, you might read this post, relate to it, consider reaching out, and then decide not to. I know that's exactly what I would normally do. I'd overthink it, feel embarrassed, come up with reasons not to, and eventually move on without doing anything. But maybe this is one of those moments when doing something that feels unnatural and uncomfortable could make a small difference. Maybe reaching out won't lead to anything, or maybe it'll be the start of something that makes life a little less lonely and a little more bearable. I don't know.
Disclaimer: I used AI to help organise my thoughts and put them into words. The experiences and feelings described here are my own; I just found it helpful to use AI to structure them and express them in English.
Thanks for reading.
