How to get rid of the constant feeling of wanting a relationship?

Fyi : I'm a teenager and never been in a relationship not even in a talking stage

I am 24 M, landed my first job 5 months ago, for which I studied my ass off for a year but when I joined, I found out the position i enrolled for was not the one I liked(Tech Support, and my liking was of a developer). Started hating my job since day 1. And to make things worse, I cannot even survive on that salary. Now I am living in anee city where I don't have any friends, barely managing my anxiety and working at this shitty place for a shitty job. And I also found out that it is hard for me to listen to my superiors. Want to join a gym, want to switch job, want to develop a hobby, but I am unable to do any of it. It is like I am paralyzed somehow. And the cherry on the top, I don't have anyone to discuss this with. Please guys, help me get out of this situation. And I also I forgot to mention, my parent are indirectly putting burden on me that how am I gonna survive this world with so less salary. Please guys help me. Is there some way that I get get out of this shit hole???

I dont know why but im always sleepy and tired, like Im physically in bed unable to get myself off of it and im not even scrolling or anything, im quite literally screaming at myself in my head to get up and get my shit done but physically I cant get myself up its like i have this heavy blanket on me and its warm but its weighing me down and the only way to feel sorta better is to get in bed and close my eyes, its been like this for a while maybe a couple years now idk and I just feel sleepy ill sleep and sleep some more and wake up do a task or two and get back in bed 15 mins later and sleep again, during the night ill have the energy to get up and work again and its usually for longer, maybe 3 or 4 hours and then its time to sleep again, I dont know if I have depression or something, I dont really feel sad, its kinda fluctuating I get these really high highs and then the lows are equally as big and the only way to feel any kind of stability its to socialise, I have a friend or two and my boyfriend but everyone's got their own lives and people cant be talking to me on call forever, I want to self discipline so badly, and its crazy because I was so disciplined and on time with all my tasks as a kid, falling from that just feels like another failure idk where im going with this post tbh im just really tired and I dont think ive felt any other way for a while now.

I have always struggled to choose what I wanted to do in my life. I’m turning 22 this year. I have seen nothing but failure in my life. I had quite of a strict upbringing as a child. I was provided every single thing I wanted but never got the feeling of trust in my dad. I don’t really have memories of enjoyable moments with my mom and dad but I do have uncountable memories to share fights my mom and dad had. My mom has been my biggest supporter, can’t really say this about my dad.A lot of things happened when I moved to a different country also with the family I as living with. My friends here, experienced the life I wanted as a child. It’s been 3 years I am still living with them, didn’t got a job that pays quite well to move out.I did everything my dad wanted me to do I never said no did it. I spent my whole life impressing him but never was able to. Idk there wasn’t any motive to write this got bit sad today decided write it up. How do guys overcome with feeling of being such a failure in life? Or how did you guys were able to find something yall like to do. Any tips. I mean I do enjoy theatre but still. I always thinking of going to a psychiatrist but idk If I should.

To clarify, I know the things I’m about to say aren’t quite normal, I’m just wondering if they’re enough to seek therapy. To start off, I get angry at something every single day. And this anger can be triggered very easily, just by someone looking at me weirdly. There are instances where I’ve gotten so angry my head began to hurt. It sometimes gets physical, but luckily it hasn’t been for the past months. Here are some worse instances of it being physical: 1. I was practising guitar, but I just couldn’t learn to play the chords correctly no matter how much practice I was pouring into it, when this hit my mind, it was followed by a wave of anger so big, I nearly slammed my pricey guitar into the wall behind me. I had to squeeze my left wrist so hard to prevent myself from acting upon this urge, it bruised. 2. I don’t really remember why I was so so angry this time, I’m pretty sure it had something to do with school. I grabbed two books from the ones I keep in my cabinet, torn them apart, stepped on them, picked up whatever was left of them and boiled them on the stove. I flushed them down the toilet afterwards. I couldn’t believe I had done this when I had calmed down. 3. A friend of mine had angered me once through texts, I began hitting the back of my head with my fist. It was light at first, but it quickly got heavier and heavier. I nearly fainted. Other than that, there have been some smaller occasions when it was just hitting the walls in my room or tearing paper from notebooks and chewing on it. Having all this typed out, I really think I might have an issue regarding anger, but I don’t know if it’s serious enough to seek help. Is it normal to do such things once in a while when you’re very angered?

hey everyone. since post covid and coming back to school (junior) my life been a downhill to me, while not immediate it's slowly and sometimes painful. i learnt about adult things and it's been a really bad addiction to me (until now, i'm still trying to get off it). it wasn't really bad at first, i guess, because i still have a lot of achievements at school, and not trying to show off but my overall grades at the end of junior high was in the top twenty out of around three hundred students iirc. i also won something like an olympiad twice at school, but that probably wasn't enough. i have a sibling who always seen as a better brother, either it's a first impression or just comparing between me and him. we go to the same school and fyi it's a twin brother. so i started to be better, to look better, so first physique and looks. i guess it doesn't do. i have a darker color of skin as i always play football for whatever reason even in broad daylight, i don't even play football anymore since junior high. and i probably have a way less attractive face-card. big lips, nose, acne. one time i dated the most popular girl in junior high, which everytime someone asked me they always giving the face: "how?" and i just answer however i can. turns out she, the popular girl was just playing around with me and even state that he, the new guy, is way more handsome than me. yes she cheated on me. she doesn't say that to me so how did i know that? i learned about that literally from the receiver of the message. you know how girls have a person to talk about all their secrets and things going on. and even worse, the receiver of this message didn't try to help me out, maybe like try to calm me down, giving some affirmative words, etc etc, but she just said: "give it up, she doesn't deserve you" and that's also why since then i never, ever wanted to dated anyone. not like someone asked me either. i'm ugly you know. fast forward to senior high i started to ask my existence, i don't feel like living, and so this is where it got even worse. i always feel lonely, fear, lost, even until now. i hate this feeling, and i hate myself. so i started to ask people around, be even more friendly, maybe the problem is me after all? maybe i should join a group of people so i can be with someone and maybe i should ask someone out? but it's just doesn't do. joining this group of people just hurt me even more. they started calling me this and that, which is a fact, but it really hurts me. i don't think its funny. i never called them this and that? why they treat me like this? what about my sibling? why don't you guys called him anything? i also tried to ask someone out, but everytime it always end up bad. one time someone that is my type (yes i finally open my heart again) ask me if i could exchange picture. she sent hers and i sent mine. she said i was really attractive. ten out of ten. just to later make fun of me in a group chat. this had my hopes up, i really gain confidence because of that. but a guy in this girl group chat even called me weirdo or something. i got worse again. and compared to my brother, it's just everyone started talking to him and really embrace him into the group and doesn't make fun of him. even a lot of women talked to him and said hi. learned that they like him. this had my mental even worse. i got into porn even worse, i started doing that even more to cope. and i hate it. i really hate it after everytime i did it. and this affected my school life. i didn't achieve anything like i used to. i'm just normal, or maybe bad student who is just trying to survive life. i don't see any value in my life anymore. but anyways, the first reason i'm here i'm trying to search for help and i really hope someone can help me out as i'm in my last year of high school right now. it's already term 4, yes it's really late, but next year i need to be independent. i'm worried that if i'm like this, i can't survive, and i'm worried that my parents will be worried about me. i mean they been talking about my uni and how i'm gonna live lately. also i'm sorry if i use the wrong sub. thanks

I am 30, divorced (from a DV relationship) for some time now, I have great friends, I have a great relationship. I have a great job, I live alone in a great apartment in the greatest city in the world.

BUT: I cant bring myself to cook, clean, shower, exercise etc... Im not bragging by any means; it took me a LONG time to earn this life (and a lot of student loan debt). Ive tried reading, Ive tried video games, art, walking, running, exercising, cooking etc., but like everyday I wake up and i just dont feel like doing anything but scrolling, watching tv, eating and being alone.

I have a history of depression, Im on prozac and buspar. Ive been evened out on my meds for a while- i dont feel depressed.

I guess I am just writing into the void of reddit to see if anyone has advice?

I don't really know how to say this. I hate it though.

I had a situationship type thing with a close friend about 3 years ago and it had lasted a year. It was the first contact like that I had ever had, kissing and fucking around a bit. Didn't have sex but teased each other a lot type thing. Thing is he is my best friends brother. I knew her before I knew him. She obviously didn't like that, and the brother himself didn't really like it, he was always super on the fence about it. Would constantly change his mind about me. We both knew we wanted different things in life (he wants kids at some point and I don't) so we just didn't ever commit to it.. but I know I caught feelings. Hard. I still have those feelings sometimes and I hate it because I've been with someone else for a while now. I stopped things with him then once I started dating my now boyfriend. I feel so guilty about my feelings. It's been like 2 years how the hell am I still feeling this? The worst part is my best friend, the brother and my best friends boyfriend don't talk to me much anymore. I know this situation didn't help.. but fuck. I can't help but feel miserable. I feel like I'm losing my best friend of 15 years, and two very close friends. All 3 of them barely talk to me anymore and it hurts. Ive had a lot of other stuff going on (growing up getting abused and emotional issues) and I'm nearing my mid 20's, I just feel so horrible. I hate that I feel like I still have feelings, and to make things worse I feel like my emotions are super numb. I know I love my boyfriend and I still feel it occasionally.. but I hate how much the other person comes to mind after so long. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel so guilty. I miss my friends.

i need love i need someone to never leave me i need someone to validate everything i do or i will be depressed. i cant validate myself. right now im thinking i have no goals no passions no self worth no identity nothing i cant pursue anything nothing fulfills me. why is everyone else fulfilled with their identity and sense of self and goals and they are self validating and not thinking about others, but im always thinking if people from my work are thinking about me right now, if they want to be my friend if they want me in their life if im their best friend or second best friend or why theyre not texting me. whats the point of living i dont have anything to live for no values no passions no goals no identity and no point in pursuing relationships with other humans who have value passions goals and identity, if they text me first yes ill be theirs, ill have their friendship no matter what as long as they text me and never abandon me, i cant make choices for myself, me texting first requires me to validate myself into making that big choice and the possiblity of rejection. why continue living when nothing fuels me should i die

from one side specifically.

i find myself going into depressive episodes that takes days to recover, barely, only to get riled up behind my back again and again. it's a cycle that kind of just fucks up with my work and day to day tasks

i've tried therapy and i still don't know what therapy is

i've been on and off meds to help me sleep for the most part but my sleep schedule by itself is very volatile

i remember something like this happening to me last semester too. i'm in school and i have midterms coming up. it's hard to get out of that mindset all together.

i imagine my life -- how much better it could've been if i wasn't involved. my academics is down even though i still am very motivated to do well in school.

self-preservation is one hierarchy of needs and when i don't have that my life falls apart where im stuck picking the pieces back up together.

maybe this is just heat diffusing but i guess there are so many things i would rather worry about

You want to start the gym, but you're scared everyone will know it's your first time.

Quick question: can you recall the last seven reels you scrolled through? What they were about, the account name, how many likes they had? Even the first three seconds?

You can't. Because no one gives a shit.

Stop thinking everyone's watching

No one knows. No one cares. Not because people are cold. They're just busy with their own set, their own day, their own life. You're the one replaying it in your head, not them.

The gym is one of the friendliest places for new people

Everyone in that gym was new at some point. Every single one.

What to do on day one

Walk in, go up to someone, and say: "Hey, I'm new to this. What's going on?"

Almost everyone will say something like: "Oh, that's cool, bro. Take it easy. Just pick an exercise you like doing and start working on it. Ask me if you need any help."

That's it. That's the scary moment, and it's over in ten seconds.

The bigger problem

The gym is just where it's showing up. The real problem is making your decisions based on what other people will think of you. You are your own being. If you keep thinking about what others will say, you'll never achieve anything in life, at the gym or anywhere else.

Fix that, and the gym is easy.

What's the one thing stopping you from walking in this week?

I am running a tiny casual experiment and need volunteers.

The question:
If you play music designed around self-belief in the background for ~1hr a day, does your inner monologue change at all within 2 weeks?

The setup is simple:
• Listen ~1 hour a day for 2 weeks (background listening totally fine — cooking, working, whatever)
• Before you start, jot down a few lines about how you usually talk to yourself
• After 2 weeks, compare notes
"Nothing changed" is perfectly good data. I'm not selling anything — the playlist is free, no signup. Just genuinely curious whether this does anything, I would like to pay for a real study in the near future. But need to know it’s worth paying for as I think there’s a lot of value here.

Comment below and I’ll DM you the playlist!

Just comment below if you’re in, and I’ll send you the playlist and I’ll send you a DM in a couple of weeks to hear how it went for you!!

🙏 thanks so much!

Mike

I’m an 18 year old in college. I go to a community college, and I’m in my second year. I plan to transfer to a university next year to major in electrical engineering. However, I’ve struggled a lot with procrastination. I think I’m at a point, where I just can’t change. I feel lazy, weak, and tired all the time. I’m struggling with consistency. The amount of things I started, I could only do them for maybe 2-3 weeks. I joined a gym, only went for 3 weeks and stopped. Joined a bjj gym, only to go for 2 months and then stopped. Would promise to go to all of my classes, and then didn’t go to college in the last semester at all (spring 2026) and failed calc 1 and chem because I was too lazy to withdraw after not showing up and not learning anything. Took calc over summer, and passed with an 84, took chem over summer but withdrew after getting exhausted from going to same class Mon-Thurs from 10-5pm. This semester I was taking calc 2 and an engineering class but dropped engineering class after one week cause the prof was horrible and class was too long. Dropped calc 2 three days ago after skipping and not studying for a whole month. Missed an exam and didn’t do homework, so I was at a point that even if I got a 100 in all remaining assignments in calc 2, I would’ve failed so I withdrew. So now I got 2 W’s on my transcript. I’ve struggled with working out too. I’ve been inconsistently training for 3-4 years now yet I’m still overweight and almost obese (30% body fat). I can’t figure out what to eat, I want all things to be perfect, yet I can’t follow a simple plan. I also work 32 hours at a grocery store while also doing grocery delivery for instacart for 8-9 hours separately from my main job. I feel lazy, slow, weak, and tired all the time. I want to do something and make a change but the moment I do it, I give up halfway. I’m the oldest and first from my family to go to college in US, so my parents just trust me and believe I’m doing great, but I’m not. I’m struggling with everything and I just don’t know how to change what to change and if I’m even capable of it. I want to continue lifting, do bjj, and study hard but I just can’t, I don’t really know why. Everytime I sit down to make a plan or routine, I make one, and then I keep finding flaws in them that maybe 3x lifting isn’t enough, maybe 2 bjj sessions aren’t enough, maybe the textbook is bad and the professor sucks, so I keep making changes over and over. I’ve also struggled with porn addiction for so long like almost 9 years. It’s destroying me and my mental health. Throughout the day all I do is listen to music, day dream, imagine scenarios and fucking eat and sleep. I can’t even do basic research. I feel like I’m already lost and it’s almost impossible to come back from here. I’m stressed all the time, about my future, my looks, about the fact that I’m losing the plot. I’m scared, that I’m going to be an absolute failure. So if anyone has any advice for me, I’ll highly appreciate it.

I (21f) met this guy (41) about a year ago, we hooked up and for the past year have seen each other semi frequently. We call and text all the time and we have become pretty good friends.

I care about him and it feels like he doesn’t care about me.

We continue on as friends but I don’t think I would let a friend treat me like this, whenever I bring up the fact he could be nicer he tells me I have too high expectations and we aren’t dating (very true we are not) but like I would still like to feel good around my friend.

We hung out recently and I may be overreacting but I was just excited to see my friend and he seemed less than interested.

I think he’s super cool and awesome I just fear he might not care about me…and not just like romantically, just like at all.

I never meant it to get this far, I think I did this too myself.

I need help with a situation that might seem trivial to many, but is very important to me. I’ve never really been invited to anything; I’m 19, and throughout my entire school life, no one ever asked me along to anything. I had friends, but it felt like I was always the second choice—never the first pick, just someone included when they needed to fill a spot. But today, I got an invitation from a coworker to hang out with him and another person. I honestly don't know how to feel; part of me thinks it’ll be good—a new opportunity—but I’m also really anxious and don't know what to expect. I’ve been to "friend" hangouts like this before, and I always ended up standing off to the side while everyone else had plenty to talk about. I did try to interact and strike up conversations, but it felt like I was the elephant in the room that everyone was trying to ignore. I really don't know what to feel, and I’ve been feeling very lonely for a long time.

I struggle with my mental health. Fairly badly within late. Desperately looking for someone I can text with like all the time.( Preferably on the east coast. I live in NY) Someone who is open minded but still has an option or advice. Trust me if therapy or counseling didn't cost so much money I would go that route. I feel a burden to my friends constantly complaining or being sad about things. Please I know this is a lot to ask strangers online for it is a big commitment but unfortunately there are no completely free apps for talking and talking to the same person every time.

Before I even start I feel so bad and I know it’s bad. So for the past couple months I’ve been in the closet and realizing I’m a lesbian, I’m just now kinda telling people and getting out. And if you don’t know, this process can be kind of scary and mortifying, especially when you are a girl who lives in a fully red state anyways me and my homeboy who I’m gonna call Z which is not his real name or initial or anything. We have been friends for a couple of months now and we’ve been getting really close. We would ask each other how our days was etc. I’ve been knowing I’m a lesbian for probably the past four months so it’s very new but there were some obvious signs. I just never fully considered it until now and for over a year and a half I was dating a guy and he treated me horribly and that may or may not be the reason I’m a lesbian I don’t really know anyways I’ve been hearing from people coming up to me in the hallways and asking oh are you in Z talking and I’m like no of course not I can never see him that way obviously because I’m lesbian me personally I don’t think I was flirting with him at all. I believe I was just having a regular friendship he would compliment me but that honestly just flew over my head because it just did. I don’t really know, I never complimented him. I never pursued anything and eventually around last week, I came out to two of my good friends and they are very supportive however, one of my friends I’m gonna call her L. She told me today that her and Z were talking and he said he had a crush on Me. This was all over text by the way, so I heard that from her and I was in shock because I didn’t think he saw me that way I didn’t see him that way and maybe it was super obvious but again I don’t know what that looks like. anyways, I decided to subtly tell him I was a lesbian by saying I got ghosted by a girl and he asked if I like girls I said yes and now he’s been kind of dry snapping me. I feel really bad but then like just now he’s telling me he has something to tell me tomorrow and he won’t tell me what it is now and I’m really worried that he’s gonna do something and I just don’t know what to do. I know I’m in the wrong. I hope he’s not trying to ask me something romantic tomorrow because I’m a lesbian. I could be overreacting, but I genuinely don’t know what to do and a lot of people know. He likes me but only like five people normally lesbian and I’m not ashamed. I just don’t really see it to be that important to go and tell people, but that’s just what I personally believe

I’m 34, finished EMDR therapy 6 weeks ago and no I’m feeling worse than ever

I went into therapy originally because relationship and friendships were constantly blowing up around me, and always intense/turbulent. I was constantly thinking I’m a bad person and a narcissist, and now with losing people again I’m starting to think this really is true and I’ve somehow managed to trick the therapists into thinking that I’m a good person and I’m just skilled in telling people what they want to hear

I’m lonely. I like attention. If someone introduces me to their friends I wanna be part of that group too. I’ve slept and latched on with basically anyone who will give me attention, and then when I realise the other person is invested more than me and I don’t want it I panic. I’ve taken more than I can give. I want people to feel sorry for me all the time so I tell them how hard my life has been. I’m like an actual child trapped in an adults body who doesn’t know how to function properly and I don’t know how to deal with it anymore or what actual love or care is supposed to look like

I want to stop sleeping in so late and having no purpose at all in life. I’m 19 and got out of my first relationship about 3 months ago and I’m still so stuck. We were together for about a year and a half ish, and in all honesty she was the one I wanted to marry. But we broke up due to a lot of issues regarding her and her family (dad’s a narcissist, and overall has really controlling parents, she also exhibited narcissistic tendencies to and severely played the victim).

Anyways though i still just feel so stuck in self pity and am mega depressed everyday, I want to end the cycle of it all and actually make lasting change. I feel so weak and just horrible about myself for not being over it and moving forward and on in my life. The breakup affects my mental a lot, but I just want freedom from my own mind and to not be such a bum everyday. I want to actually have the energy and willpower to do daring things in my life, to live a full life that’s not just me being in the house all day. I don’t want to be stuck in this place anymore and I want to actually enjoy life and be able to be happy even when things are tough.

What can I do to actually find purpose and meaning and a reason to get out of bed everyday?

I just want to write something about myself and get it off my chest.

It’s almost 10 PM, and I haven’t done anything productive today. I keep telling myself that I don’t feel like using my phone, but somehow, I still end up scrolling through it.

I haven’t studied properly for the last two months. I keep lying to my parents, especially my papa, about studying. It’s not that I’m doing something wrong or getting into bad habits, but I’m neither going out anywhere nor doing anything meaningful in my room. I just waste time, eat, and use my phone. I don’t even feel like doing anything else.

I’ve already wasted 28 years of my life, and now I feel like I’m losing direction. I don’t understand how I ended up like this. I wasn’t always this way. I know I have a lot of potential, but I feel so underconfident these days. I’m neither moving forward in life nor making any real effort to change things.

I don’t know what’s happening to me. I just feel like I’m wasting my time and my potential, and I’m scared of where this is going to lead me.

I’m writing this because I don’t know who else to share these feelings with. Maybe someone here has felt the same way and can help me understand how to get out of this cycle.

I’m having one of those days where the light is genuinely not showing up. I do hate myself. I think I’m a deeply selfish and hateful person. I only think about myself, a lot. I victimize myself, a lot. I am always devaluing myself. I never get up and make a move. I struggle, and I overexaggerate it. I can’t actually see someone loving me because I do not love myself. I feel inferior to other people. I get jealous very often. I get pissy very often. I need to stop being like this. I hate this side of myself.

​I just wanted to share my story.

​I started working when I was in my first year of college. It really helped with my daily needs. My salary back then was ₱400 per week, and sinasakto ko lang talaga siya sa buong linggo. At the same time, nag-iipon din ako para makatulong sa tuition fee ko.

​After two years, my school hired me as a Student Assistant (SA). During that time, my salary was ranging around ₱1.9k to ₱2.5k every cut-off. I know it’s small, but the other half was automatically credited to my tuition fee (not convertible to cash). That ₱1.9k–₱2.5k cut-off salary was never enough, especially since I was also helping my mom with household expenses like food and sometimes bills. Ever since I started working, never na ako naghingi ng pera sa parents ko.

​If you’re wondering about my family, my father passed away due to cancer when I was in 2nd year. My mom was a housewife, but she started working again after my father died. However, her salary was below minimum and not enough to pay the bills and put food on the table. That’s why I helped my mom using my earnings, and whenever I had extra, binibigyan ko rin ng baon yung younger brother ko.

​Basically, I was working while studying, spending 12 to 16 hours a day at school to do my duty and attend classes. Luckily, working at school helped me pay my tuition, even if it didn't cover everything.

​When my contract ended, I remember begging my supervisor to extend me for one more sem kasi wala akong back-up work and hindi ko inaasahan. Standard agreement kasi na kapag magse-start na ng Capstone/Research, kailangan na mag-stop sa SA duty para hindi ma-distract.

​Noon nag-start na wala na akong pambayad sa school, so I searched for jobs outside. Luckily again, I found a company that accepted me, but the salary was below minimum—₱550 per day within Metro Manila. Tiniis ko siya kasi kailangan ko. Hindi na ako nakakapasok nang maayos sa school, pero ginagawa ko pa rin yung research namin after work until midnight. Kulang pa rin yung sinasahod ko for me and for my family. I couldn't even buy anything for myself to make me happy.

​Imagine working for ₱550/day for a year while doing Capstone, defense, and OJT in the morning, then work sa hapon. 3 hours lang ang tulog ko almost every day.

​And now, graduate na ako. May bago na rin akong work, pero still, hindi pa rin sapat. ₱16k in this economy?

​Naiiyak ako kasi hawak ko na lahat ng responsibilidad—bills sa bahay, rent, grocery, baon ng kapatid ko, at pati mga utang. Looking at myself in the mirror, naiisip ko: Ano bang naipundar ko para sa sarili ko? May naibili na ba ako para matawag ko na "deserve ko 'to"? Working for almost 5 years, wala man lang akong naibili para sa sarili ko. Ngayon, pakiramdam ko nakakulong na ako sa responsibilidad na kailangan kong gawin habang-buhay dahil walang ibang gagawa.

​Naawa ako sa sarili ko kasi yung gamit ko, puro pinaglumaan pa ng mga tita ko. Super grateful ako, pero hindi ko maiwasang maawa sa sarili ko. Yung phone ko, hand-me-down na tatlo muna ang naging may-ari bago napunta sa akin. Buka na nga yung likod dahil sa ballooning battery, pero hindi ko mapalitan. Kasi kahit may sarili akong pera, hindi ko naman ma-enjoy.

​Na-ppressure lang ba ako, or valid lang talaga na maawa ako sa sarili ko?

Ever since I left my old school and into college I’ve just felt completely out of it and like I just don’t know what to do. It’s a matter of a lot of things and I just need help on what I should do because it’s making me feel awful.

Sorry if it’s too long, I highly expect people to not read this anyways. I just want to get stuff off my chest and there’s no one to talk to so.

First off, I just feel like I have no one to talk to. The 2 friends I talked to all the time before isn’t an option anymore as I avoid them since their whole humour revolves around taking the mick (making fun of) me and the only other two people I speak to are just not people I can talk to about personal things so I just feel like there’s no one to communicate with when I feel like this and that there’s no one to even just do stuff with. I can’t even see the two guys I talk to; one chose completely different subjects to me and lives far away; one doesn’t even do sixth form college at all. I enjoyed speaking to the people I was friends with before but like I said they just make fun of me and say its just “banter” when they do it that much to the point where it feels really personal

School in general is just awful. I do sixth form and do 2 A-levels and 1 B-Tech (what people in universities and stuff do when they do academic stuff if you’re American correct me if i’m wrong) It’s annoying because I just keep mentally creating problems for myself when they aren’t even there and it’s just depressing. Everyday I go in and think “oh no people definitely don’t like me” or “these people are speaking about me or “I’m not keeping up with these subjects and my teachers think I’m stupid”, when these can’t be true. People seem to leave me alone and every interaction seems to be friendly but it doesn’t matter because I end up just avoiding people anyways and just assume they hate. I know it’s not true and I know it’s in my head but I just can’t convince myself mentally of that. It feels like I can’t control myself. On top of that, I suffer from awful medical anxiety to the point where everyday I keep waking up thinking I’m going blind or I have cancer but I’m too scared to book an appointment because what if it’s true what if something bad happens. I even start giving myself symptoms to things I don’t have sometimes because of this. Same with the work in school. I keep convincing myself that I can’t do the work and that my teachers think I’m stupid and that I’m failing all of my subjects. It can’t be true though because my Sixth Form College is well taught and if they think you can’t do it they will straight up tell you. But again, I can’t realise this. Why can’t I convince myself this? It’s obviously me overthinking and lacking any self confidence but no matter how much I say that, it just ends up doing nothing.

Honestly the only thing making me feel worth while is - it sounds depressing to say this - my piano. I enjoy playing it a lot but even that can’t stop anything. I can’t help but get jealous when people are better than me which is a disgusting trait to have on my part. I can’t even play it when people are in the house because I don’t like people hearing me play it.

There’s literally nothing right now that is helping. I think the fact that I’m even posting this is just pathetic because I can’t imagine people want to care since this is my own problems and no one else’s which means this post will probably be ignored. If that’s the case at least I got to write this all up and recognise my problems. If people do reply, please just give me some pointers or something, because I really need to figure out something.

Lately since I come back to school Ive been having troubles. I sleep for atleast 10+ hours Daily, I struggle with getting out of bed or doing anything slightly productive. I try to force myself to study or clean up but usually I get stuck scrolling or even just lying down and doing nothing for a long time and before I know its 10 pm and Ive done nothing for the past 11 hours since I usually wake up at 11 or 12. My thoughts havent been helping aswell and they only get more negative as I spend more time in this loop. I was working doing the summer and was doing suprisingly fine. I still had trouble waking up but I wasnt bad at it. so maybe that helped a bit but whenever I do go to school I feel like an outsider. Im behind on a lot of material and I just feel dumb. Doesn't help that everyone thinks Im dumb aswell. I want to get better I just don't know how. I wish I didn't have to feel. Not sure if it matters but 18M. I doubt my problems compare to anyones but I feel like something bad is going to happen if I dont pick myself up soon.

edit: forgot to mention but I dont really eat anymore. I ate a block of cheese and a few sweets while smoking today and I feel disgusted at the thought of food at times. depends on the time of day.

ive been working at this retail job for 2 months and its been horrible. a few of my coworkers wont stop messing with me.

for example, my coworker, who im going to call steven, (16 male. I am 18, trans man, and all my coworkers know) wanted to go on break so I had to watch over the area. I asked steven for the keys. instead of just giving them to me, he says "say the magic word.". I say please and he gives them to me. I did end up telling management and he is being moved. (steven has done so many other things..)

I dont what happens to me when I get put into uncomfortable situations. I just freeze and dont process what is happening. I just go with it and I hate it. I want to fight back. I want to stand up for myself when people say or do weird things to me. I shouldnt have to deal with this but no one will move me. how do i become intimidating? how do i become scary so people will leave me alone? how do i stand up for myself?