My husband is in rehab. We're doing family therapy. The therapist told us we both need a community. Im not...peopley. Is this my community l?

Okay,
So I am here for advice and perspective. It’s truly so fresh, and I’m trying my best to sort everything out.

But I have been with my Fiance for almost 7 years. We got engaged this Summer. I’ve known him since middle school and he truly is my best friend.

When we got together, we were in high school and definitely “experimented” with drugs…. Nothing too crazy. However, when he moved away to college, I stayed home and I know that he did a lot more. I hate to say it, but in my naive mind … everyone else was doing the same things at parties. So, by contrast it didn’t seem excessive. However, when I moved to the same college (6 years ago) our friend group all decided that it wasn’t productive and that was kind of it.

I’m not saying I’m a saint. However, there’s an added layer that my dad is an addict and it got to a point that being around that stuff was painful for me to see. And since I’ve known my Fiance , he has been well aware of the ins and outs of my family dynamic and how deeply wounded I am because of it.

The last year or so he has had major flare ups with his health. And is always sick. So, when he started having very off** behavior, I genuinely thought it was a bad reaction to his prescribed medication. I genuinely was so worried that he wasn’t getting the right treatment for his laundry list of medical problems, so I felt horrible for him. Additionally, whenever I would ask why he would be nodding off while I was talking to him, or why he would trip and fall and be extremely disoriented, he would always tell me that he just had an extremely long day. And I believed him!! I know, naive.

Well, last week we got in a one-sided argument, because I heard him drop a bunch of plates on the ground at like 10 o’clock at night. When I came out, he was standing up and knocking his head into our kitchen cabinets. I asked him what was going on and as he was holding a bag of chicken nuggets, he said “I’m just making dessert.” I told him that I thought he was on drugs and I begged him to just tell me what was going on. He told me he had no idea what I was talking about and would be sleeping in the other room.

When I woke up the next day, I had a sick feeling, and I went through his laptop. I can only see messages from the year of 2025… but I was shocked to see that he had been buying thousands and thousands of dollars worth of opioids.

Everything after just happened so fast I quietly went to work without saying anything, and I reached out to his parents. They are so supportive and immediately came up and took him home. Come to find out this has been going on for the last five years on and off . he has opened several credit cards and maxed them out. Additionally, he has like no money in his account.

This is such a long story. I’m sorry if you’re reading this… Somehow he got a telehealth appointment when he was home and got a prescription of Suboxone. He is so fortunate that his parents were able to find an inpatient rehab and he’s been there for about a week.

I feel like I am still going through shock. I cannot believe that for the last several years this was happening and I genuinely had no idea. I am so incredibly hurt and blindsided. I can’t even pinpoint one emotion really it’s everything.

I’m just really at a loss. We actually had just taken our engagement photos and put our name at a wedding venue for next summer. I tried talking with him on the phone, but to be completely honest, I had nothing productive to say. Actually really couldn’t even form words because I was just crying the whole time.

So I told him that I needed a couple days of space between him and we haven’t talked since last Thursday.

I went to a nar-anon meeting last week and will go to another this week. That was comforting.

Looking for advice? Idek.

Can you share your experiences leaving your spouse with kids involved? What made you reach that point? What was the process like? How is it now? I am conflicted after years of addiction and relapse and I don't know what to do. Help me understand what it would look like.

I’m looking for advice from people who have experienced something similar, either as a friend, family member, or someone who has struggled with addiction themselves.
I have a close female friend who struggles with amphetamine addiction. When she is sober, we still have a really good friendship, and I care about her a lot. The difficult part is what happens when she uses.
She can start experiencing psychotic symptoms after just a few lines. She talks to herself, sees things, hears things, and imagines things that aren’t actually happening. It gets progressively worse as she continues taking more. She can stay awake for 1–4 days, and during these episodes, she becomes extremely difficult to communicate with. She can seem like a completely different person, becoming paranoid, aggressive, and threatening. It feels like there is nothing you can say that is right, and you simply cannot reach her.
Once she has finally slept off the high, she returns to her usual self. Her memories of the episodes vary: sometimes she remembers things vaguely, sometimes quite clearly, and sometimes she has no memory of what happened at all.
She can apologise afterwards, and I believe she can genuinely feel sorry for what happened. However, the same pattern often repeats itself shortly afterwards.
She has already been through addiction treatment twice, but the problem continues. It is frightening to watch someone you care about go through this repeatedly, especially when you don’t know what else can be done to help them.
During these episodes, she has threatened me. She has never treated me this way when she is sober, but it can be genuinely frightening to be around her when she is using and experiencing psychosis.
I have started recognising the warning signs and often leave before things escalate. This makes her angry and upset, but I know from experience how things tend to develop if I stay. I am trying to protect myself without abandoning her.
The hardest part is that our friendship is still just as good when she is sober. I don’t want to give up on her, but I also cannot keep putting myself in frightening situations or watch this cycle repeat indefinitely. I sometimes struggle with how to respond to her apologies when the same thing happens again.
I would really appreciate advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation:
● How do you support someone with an addiction who repeatedly experiences psychosis without being dragged down yourself?
● How do you set boundaries without feeling guilty when the person becomes upset or feels abandoned?
● How do you cope when someone has already been through addiction treatment twice but continues using?
● Is there anything you can say or do when they are sober that might help them understand how serious the situation has become?
● How do you deal with the fear and helplessness of watching someone you care about become almost unrecognisable when they are high?
● How do you know when you are doing enough to help, and when you need to step back?
I’m not looking for advice on how she can continue using. I want to understand how to handle this situation, protect my own well-being, and hopefully preserve a friendship that means a lot to me.
I would especially appreciate hearing from people who understand the difficult balance between loving someone, wanting to help them, and recognising that you cannot save them from their addiction yourself.

Sadly, I'm the caretaker for my entire family while being the youngest (30). My mother (68) has been using coke for almost 5 years to cope with her mental health. Things have been very rough the last 2 years, she's been hospitalized 6 times I believe all in connection to her use; either overdoses or complications connected to her use (she had to get 60% of her colon removed due to damage from drug use, and bc she's still using her body can't handle the stress).

In September, she was hospitalized for almost going into kidney failure. Her doctors said she was lucky (just like every other time) but they won't force her into any type of treatment or give any resources to check in on her-- they keep saying she has to make the choice to get better. I don't understand why they can't see that she is a vulnerable adult and is not in the mindset to make the choice to take care of herself. She said she has no idea why she's so depressed & feels like she has no worth. She lost her health insurance bc it was never renewed so we're currently waiting for the county to renew it (they take forever as our state is overloaded with applications)

I've done so much to try and help her. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm getting guardianship over my autistic brother to help protect him from my mom but either than that, I don't know what else I can do. My step father enables her behavior and my mother enables my step dad's poor mental health as well.

I'm supposed to leave town for 6 days at the end of the month to see my long distance partner, and I'm scared to leave my family all because of my mom.

I'm tired of this shit and having to be the one to fix everything.

So my SO has been acting off lately. He recently lost his job which has been stressful. This week has been even more suspicious. On Tuesday he picked up our kids from school in a wagon. It is over a mile walk and partially uphill. When he got home he was pouring sweat and acting super off. My mind immediately went to drugs which was maybe unfair but he had some concerning symptoms. I asked him what was wrong and he immediately got defensive. Then he threw up a few times and when I decided maybe it wasn't drugs I was concerned he was having a medical event. He refused to go to the hospital and refused to get any help. Flash forward he was staying up half the night multiple nights in a row and sleeping during the day. This is also a telltale sign of him using. He literally was passing out everytime he was still. Thursday night he had vertigo and was stumbling. Says something medical might be happening and he'd call the doctor. But the weekend I had started to ask if he'd take a test because we have some and its becoming hard to just believe him. He's only 5 months sober so it's stiill new. He refuses to take a test saying he's still mad that I wasn't caring on Tuesday and thinks I'm just controlling his movement and overbearing. Told me his buddies at AA think I'm controlling too. It's been days and he refuses to take a test even when I told him I'd have to ask him to leave if he didn't.

Would you think your Q relapsed in this situation?

Edit/update: He admited to relapsing. Said he used twice. I still don't know what to believe.

Hi, this is going to be long hope this is the right subreddit for this. My best friend has been struggling with addiction for a few years now but I only found out last year. Prior to finding out, he would ask me for 10-50 dollars a few times a month and I would give it to him because I didn't think anything of it. For context, we have not lived in the same state for multiple years until recently, we both had jobs and school and partners that we lived with- we had lives of our own so checking in how we would before was not possible so my attention to behaviors that were uncommon simply was not there. Last year, when I found out - when everyone that wasnt in the circle of his users friends found out - I was going through a lot mentally and it added onto the stress but I managed because this is an important person to me, I wanted to make sure they were ok even if we were thousands of miles apart. I really did the best to my ability. Then he ended up coming back to our state probably 6-8 months later? (sorry my memory is a bit fuzzy, I cant keep track of the time passed) He came back said he was going to be here for a week, almost cancelled the flight because he was dealing with a lot of paranoia and he speculated we would try to put him in a rehab center. He has been back in our state since then, burned a lot of friendships due to the multiple relapses. The friends he stayed with would bribe him with money to stay sober - they left him unattended because they had jobs and lives to live and thus, he would relapse. Eventually they got tired of the situation it became too much and he asked if he could stay with me, multiple times. All those times I said no. He ends up going to rehab, gets out is in sober living and one of the people he met in rehab relapsed, he followed along. A few days before he was admitted, he asked again if he could stay with me, once again I said no. I question if this boundary is valid. I am in my early 20's, I am not in a position where I can have someone live in my home even for a few days. I knew him asking to stay for a week would not end up being a week and simply put I do not have the money to take care of an additional human being even for a day. I dont want a risk of him bringing a dealer to my home, I have a plethora of reasons why I would say no and part of me feels like these are just excuses but also he knows the severity of my living situation and asking this from me in my point in my life also feels incredibly selfish. Sure, im not dealing with addiction but ive gone through intensive therapy over the guilt I felt the moment I found out all those times gave him money funded his addiction. I havent seen him since he came back due to my financial position and lack of mode of transportation, and trust me - I have thought to ask friends or find some solution but simply put, there literally is not one way for me to get there without me worrying if Ill have enough money until my next paycheck. I am not exactly sure what im asking for here. I have seen friends, family members and family friends go through different addictions throughout my life but this is a different point in my life and I dont know if im handling it correctly. Another point to add is that aside from the smaller amounts of money Id provide, a family member of mine gave him a few thousand dollars to borrow because he wanted out of his lease and we have still yet to get that money back (the deal was to give it to me because it came out of a savings that was set aside for me). It just feels like being there for him constantly emotionally and financially until I reached my limit was not enough, it just feels like its never enough. We have not spoken since he got out of rehab this time, its been a few days and I question if he blames me. I dont feel bad nor good about any of this, just want to know what to do and how to move forward from here. It feels like my problems have not mattered to him for a while but I am guilted for not prioritizing his. This was also the first time in my life I actually have prioritized myself not because I wanted to but because I had to, I dont know if Id be here typing this if I didnt, and it feels like it backfired. It feels like I wasnt supposed to do that. I dont know, feels weird.

My husband and I separated after 7 years together. Well, not so much separated as I had to have him removed and file an Order of Protection. I was set to file for divorce this month when I was cleaning out my messages and saw the thread from him (I have him muted) and it made me stop. He had updated his profile picture, and the face in that picture made my blood run cold. It was the face that spewed every lie, every manipulation, every cruel word, every accusation, every abuse. That face was what I saw in my nightmares for months. That wasn't the face of the man I married, that was the face of the addiction that turned him into a monster. I sent it to my best friend and asked if I was crazy for now being afraid to file while he still knew where we lived. She said absolutely not, that was not the same man that she knew and I had every right to be scared. I'm talking with my therapist about this next week as well.

From those who have been through divorce from an addict, would you hold off until he didn't know where you were, or would you just file and hope?

Part of me is venting, the other part of me is legitimately asking what gives with the indignant attitude after a relapse?? Are they embarrassed? Do they actually believe they've done nothing to warrant ppl being upset or do they just not care? Acting like they are justified...or like it's someone else's fault they relapsed. I have a q in my family who relapses periodically and every single time, it's "because someone else did/didn't do XYZ." And then after a couple of days of not being in active addiction, they expect everything to go back to normal and the ppl around them to act like it never happened. Like everything is "fine." It's not fine. Nothing ever changes bc nothing ever changes.

It's INFURIATING. I am usually pretty good at giving advice but right now I can't take any of it and I know how stupid I sound. I'm just so damn angry.

disclaimer, i feel stupid writing this as i realize so many others are going through a much harder time than me, so i dont mean to sound dramatic. however, i have bpd, so i feel much more strongly about this than a typical person would

for context, ive been working with this guy for almost a year now. over time became pretty good friends. he was the first person to talk to me at work, take interest in my improvement, and truly got me to take pride in my work. without him i dont know if id have the position i do today.
however, a few weeks ago, he relapsed. for years he had struggled with addiction, both of drugs and gambling, with meyth being his main use. around the same time he had just moved out of his living situation with a horrible roommate, and had few places to go. he worked at 2 different stores, the one i work at, and another an hour away. so when he worked at my store, id always let him stay. i knew he had relapsed, but i didnt realize how often it was. hiwever, i also knew he was very respectful, i trusted him.
a few weeks into this arrangement, my girlfriend cheated on me. this was a huge deal for me and i was in shambles. he was genuinely the best support i couldve asked for, staying up late having long talks, letting me cry into him, showing care and support for me in so many ways. eventually, one thing led to another and we kissed. ive never been with or kissed a guy before, so it was weird. but i didnt reject it, especially because i truly liked who he was.
we became very involved with one another for a little while. constant texting, checking in, i miss yous, i love yous, etc. what i didnt know is that, every time he went back to stay with his other friends near his other place of work, hed always be getting high. i finally started to notice and begged him to stop. he got very emotional about it, told me its all he wants but doesnt think he can do it. i told him to just try. especially because he was going to get caught eventually by his PO officer, and its a miracle he hadnt been tested already. he agreed he wanted to try.
unfortunately, shortly after, things went to shit. his gambling addiction had gotten real bad. he had done some not great things at work because of it, and gotten terminated. i freaked out at this news because i felt like he was going to slip away- that he had nothing to keep him stable, to keep him around me (the only time hed stay sober is when hed stay at my place), and that i was going to lose him. unfortunately, i was right.
after he got the news of his termination, he came to mine. said he was going to take it as a sign to go back to rehab, to a rehab hours away, so he couldnt easily bail. i supported this decision but still suffered that feeling of doom, and of abandonment. i knew it could be months before id see him again. even though it was for the better. i cried a lot and he got emotional too, and i ended up having a panic attack. i think it scared him, he didnt know what to do, and i couldnt stop it. i wish i had, because i feel like that ended up ruining things between us- despite me staying through many of his mental breaks and night terrors. he ended up leaving while i was still freaked out, but called one of my friends over to make sure i stayed okay. i begged him not to leave because it felt like the last time id ever see him.
the next 2 days he ghosted me. i begged him to tell me what was going on, i called endlessly. i worried he was dead. eventually, he picked up. turns out he had been high the whole time, and was when he picked up too. he was mean, cold. said i was making him "not want to care", or whatever that means. i broke at this, because i understood i had freaked him out, but he turned cold so quickly. i know he uses because it numbs him (and makes him mean), so i tried not to take it personal.
a day later i called again. apologized for anything i couldve done to make him uncomfortable and upset. he seemed to have sobered a bit, and accepted that. told me to get help for myself, which i agreed. he told me hed be going into rehab the next day, and would keep in touch.
as he was going into rehab, he texted me, freaking out about leaving his addict life and friends behind, as it was all he had known. but he had decided it was what he needed to do to achieve sobriety. i talked him through it as he took himself there, and he said hed keep in touch.
each day he was there he called. until one day he called, begging me to pick him up. saying he needed to use real bad. i refused of course, but had a bad feeling hed find someone else to. he said hed call again the next day, and asked when i was free.
i never heard back again.
5 days passed, silence. i didnt know what had happene- if he wasnt allowed to call anymore, simply didnt want to talk, had left rehab. i tried calling his cell and it rang through. he had told me it had died on the way into rehab so it made me suspicious. i sent him a text just asking him if he had left, and to let me know if he was okay.
nothing for an entire day. i found out from someone who has his location, that he had left rehab and was back at one of his addict friends houses.
i sent another text. telling him how much he meant to me during those weeks, and reminding him to read the books i dropped off to him at rehab (ones about addiction that he had requested me to bring), and that he was loved. however, i also worded it as if i was cutting him off. that part i regret, but i panicked and wanted to be the one to "cut off" contact because i felt attacked by the ignoring of my previoud call and text, and wanted to be the one rather than the one to be left. now i realize thats stupid, and i regret it. however, that was yesterday, and another day has passed with silence.
i dont know what to do at this point. everything i hear is so contradicting- "they wont get better unless they want to themselves and hit rock bottom- they cant get better alone, dont stop trying". he fights a lot of typical addict stereotypes- i (stupidly) offered him money in the beginning, before i realized thats more harm than help, but he rejected it anyway, saying he couldnt do that to me. even when using hes never been aggressive to me, even when ive gotten upset and angry with him for it. the most hes ever been is cold, or disappeared, like now.
part of me feels used- used for the physical affection he showed me. but part of me feels that if that was true- wouldnt he have tried to go farther? things got intimate quite a few times, but he was always the one to hold himself back, never letting it go too far out of respect for me. he never would take money and was always shy about asking if it was okay to stay the night, even when it had been established he could come over anytime and i was happy for him to do so. he was always so respectful and polite, and i got to see what i feel is his true self, especially in those past few weeks. so now i dont know what to do. im not sure whats truth or whats a lie. i dont know if i should reach out again, or stay silent. i miss him so much, im so worried and every part of me just wants to hear from him again, but i dont want to push him even further away by being too clingy, too intense. i constantly wonder, will he ever reach back out, or stay quiet forever, just let everything we had die- just like that?
i feel crazy for caring so much, but thats just how it is with me and with bpd. its so intense. he also has bpd, which he said is why he started using- to numb those overwhelming, unbearable feelings. i want to be angry at him, hate him so i can move on and forget him and heal- but i just cant- especially because i so closely understand how he feels and am just steps away feom using myself to shut off these intense feelings. please give me some direction on how to handle this, for the best for both of us.

Hello Reddit. Fair warning this is going to be a really long one with a lot of preamble and a lot of over-describing things. I would appreciate even a skim read if you have the time, because I genuinely don't know where else to turn to.

Let's cut straight to the chase. I (23F) have been with my boyfriend (22M) for almost a year and a half. We have had a pretty good relationship for a while, however we've both had traumatic experiences that for most people I feel would've ended the relationship, but I happen to be quite stubborn and instead of finding another better person to be with, I will always do my utmost to help my current partner because well, obviously I love them. His comes in the form of being an alcohol and drugs addict. He's been that way since he was a child and one day his friend was doing drugs with him and handed him a higher dose than usual and took advantage of his vulnerability to rape him. He was shaken to the core and I think this definitely contributes to the experiences I've had at his hand and his general phychosis and schizrophrenia.

To make a long story short, his alcoholism eventually got so bad that after a short holiday I took him on where we went to a theme park and concert for one of my favourite bands, he suddenly started "reliving" his experience of rape and turned into something that.. wasn't him. I was almost strangled to death by this different sort of persona and raped for several hours. That was a year ago. It feels insane to think it was a year ago to be honest. I can't explain all of this here because the post would be way too long but basically, it was the worst 5 hours of my life, but I got over it.

I wanted to help him. I got him to stop drinking and he agreed, I got him to not turn himself into the police and I convinced him that getting through this was possible and he promised never to hurt me again and.. well, since then we've been on several holidays, had great times together, and barely anyone knows what really happened. I told a few friends, he told a few friends, but parents and that don't know. I've never revealed this on the internet before, but there we go. I told my therapist and he had to escalate it and the advice was basically that I need to keep myself safe and have escape plans and whatever.. I get that, I have that now, and basically everyone else was just advising me to leave him and report it to the police because it was bad and yeah.. okay.. Unfortunately I knew for a fact that my boyfriend would never do any of that to me while being sober and not taken over by some crazy alter so I couldn't blame it on him really, just the substance abuse. I loved him, and I helped us get through it.

Anyway, it's a year later.. October again. It's my week off, I did all the stressful work I could do the last week and I'm trying to enjoy a week off and I know it's gonna be good because I was with my boyfriend Wednesday Thursday and Friday, and I can come and see him today (Saturday) too because he's off work! I love taking holidays in October because the theme parks have the scary seasons going and I find great joy in going to them, this is all planned with him again, it's a shame what happened last October happened but.. it's not like it's going to be a yearly thing right? We've made so much progress!

However... he was acting weird when he was first calling me and asking if I set off yet, he said he was cleaning his house beforehand, I got weirded out when he called me and asked if I set off yet or if I was in the car, and I admit I was running a bit late because I was engrossed in a game with a friend - so I was like "Yea I'm coming over soon" but then he was like "uhm... well, come later because I'm still cleaning and am about to take a shower" and he said it so weirdly I instantly thought he was hiding something or whatever, I pressed him for more info and he just slowly said he bought a pumpkin, tried to carve it and spilled it over the floor, I was just like "right... ok.." and we said I love yous and hung up, I left the house at about 6:50pm to go to his house, he calls me first 5 minutes into the drive and asks if I'm coming because he didn't hear anything from me, I say "yea I'm coming!", he still has that weird tone of voice where he feels shifty and like he's worried of me coming too soon, I did leave 10 minutes earlier than he wanted mainly because I had nothing else to do but I was sorta considering also just leaving earlier than usual to surprise him when I come, to see if he is trying to tidy up something I shouldn't have seen.

Along the drive I start thinking like "oh what if he is just drinking and doing a fuck ton of drugs and is hiding it because he wants to see me anyway and be supported by me in this moment" and I start thinking that I might be heading towards not just another sexual attack but I mean I could even die if I get this shit wrong, but then I start thinking oh I'm just being paranoid, he's probably acting weird because I'm acting weird and I'm being really abrasive to people lately because of my work stress and it'll be fine, I trust him.

I am glad I didn't go earlier to catch him off guard anyway, because it starts raining heavily about halfway through the drive, I'm concentrating because I'm on a 50mph country road with people shining their high beams at me on the other side of the road and it's slippery and raining heavily and he calls me and asks where I am, at this point I'm getting REALLY weirded out by his constant monitoring of where I am - I KNOW for a fact that he's doing this to determine when I'll get to his house so he knows what his "deadline" is, so I just simply ask.. "Why?" and he says "ok.. I'll be completely honest I took mushrooms I was thinking at the time that they'd help me sort all my shit out but they're really strong and.. I'm not safe to be around right now.. turn around and don't go near me" and repeats that a few times for emphasis. I explain I'm trying to concentrate on the road since I'm going 50mph down slippery bends in the dark and he hangs up, and well, I reach the next roundabout, do a 180 and turn around.

I went and got some takeaway food since I have nothing in at the moment and was planning on eating whatever he cooked like I've always done, and we're just texting, he asks if I got home, apologises for being cagey and starts saying all the usual weird schizo things like how his body is "not arranged how it should be", how he is "hearing the voice of death each and every day reminding me of every time I've met her". I try and get him to run through the pros and cons of taking the drugs this evening because I want him to realise that no matter what he thinks in the moment, it will always be worse than what he thinks will happen.. they'll never give clarity and any clarity he thinks he gets will just be lies and delusion, and everything will be worse. I know I'm practically the most important thing in his life and I just don't get why he continues to do these things when it means he will either not get to see his girlfriend or will hurt her.

He says I don't understand, that he knows what he's doing is wrong, he knows in the end he'll be "physically, financially and spiritually worse", yet will still "walk that path", because "what I feel before I walk down it frightens me so much". At this point I'm very confused because I thought he'd say the drugs feel good or something for the short term, and that's why he takes it even though in the long run it'll be worse.. and he explains by how he always has two choices in his life, feeling "cold and alone and useless and hollow" in his house, to face the "hellscape [he's] built for [himself]", or take a substance to feel anything other than that. Because he apparently "can't feel anything without help anymore".

I don't really understand any of this, I've never been addicted to any substances and despite having friends that say otherwise I've never found the idea of surrendering my mind to these things very appealing. I don't want to be the obnoxious and ignorant idiot just saying "just stop taking drugs to stop feeling bad", but in my mind that's genuinely the only solution I see? I don't really understand how addicts can't see that.

and at this point, people usually ask me why I think that if I don't keep seeing him even when I feel scared or uncomfortable then it'll mean I don't trust him and we'll both be miserable. The fact is, not visiting him means going back to my empty house, being alone, and wasting our time off with not seeing each other - Most of why I still work to this day and get through the bad days is because I have him to come back to, we do love each other, we both help each other get through the worst, we're a perfectly normal relationship in that way, just... there's also this to consider that is a bit of a con I suppose

I cut through these fears because I know the alternative and "keeping myself safe and comfortable" means I effectively don't have a boyfriend, hardly any friends and I'm back to square one meeting people I have no idea about and hoping they'll eventually turn into what I've had so many times before and had to let go because of stupid reasons.. I don't want to let go again.. and the worst part is that I'm considering it - a whole freaking life hangs in the balance, I know for a fact if I go to him and tell him I'm leaving him because of all this, because of his failure to get better, I will be miserable but eventually fine maybe, I'll move on, but him? His work will get worse, his addiction will get worse, he has no more anchor to hold onto, he'll drive himself to death within months or a few weeks, his family will mourn and I'd probably visit his funeral knowing it wasn't my fault but that it could've been so much better

And no this isn't me saying "I hate being his girlfriend and this is an abusive relationship but I'll stay with him because I don't want him to kill himself", if I hated the relationship or hated being with him I wouldn't give a damn if he kills himself or ruins his life through drugs or otherwise - this is me genuinely loving him, the times we've had together and thinking that these drug episodes are more just.. minor hiccups that I have to deal with for the privilege of having someone like him.

I've dated enough men and been in the dating game for long enough to know that when it comes to his availability, his dedication to me and everything, he is genuinely one of the better ones if not the best. I like that he's a chef and spends a lot of time at work, it means we get alone time and the time we are together are great, I like that he knows about food, I get fed really well and get to experience new culinary related things with him, I like his friends, his humour and I love that he likes going on road trips and hikes with me, I love practically everything about him - and I love that I also helped him to quit smoking and alcohol... I thought I helped him with drugs too but they seem to be a sticking point. Frankly, I don't know what to do, I spit all of this to an AI and it just tells me that I need to keep myself safe and get him to go to NA and all these help things and that I'm not responsible for helping him.. Ok sure.. but.. well.. I guess I already know what any human reading this will tell me to do as well, that I should just leave and find someone better. It's hard. Maybe I've never been a substance addict but perhaps I'm an addict for terrible people.

Well, if anyone did read what starts out as me wanting to ask a question and turned into more of an introspective vent, I would appreciate some answers to the questions that have been on my mind this entire time:

Is there a realistic way to continue loving and supporting someone with serious addiction problems without putting myself in danger? How do you recognise when a relationship that is genuinely amazing most of the time has become too dangerous to preserve? How do I get him to seriously work towards recovery? Is what I'm doing even worth it for him? What the hell do I do in this situation??

I've considered writing this so many times and just given up over the course of our relationship because it always gets better, and I have always believed in him, but... I am.. starting.. to not see any other way, and it really really scares me.

My boyfriend (28M) and I (28F) have been together for almost two years. I’m at a point where I genuinely don’t know whether our relationship can survive, and I’m looking for advice from people who have experienced something similar.
I love this man more than I can explain. When we met, I genuinely thought I’d found the person I was going to marry and have children with. We became best friends and did practically everything together. We’ve traveled, made incredible memories, and built a life together. Despite everything I’m about to share, I know there is genuine love between us.
But our relationship has also been incredibly difficult.
The biggest issue has been his substance use.
My boyfriend struggles with dependence on an opioid-like substance. This has been an ongoing problem throughout much of our relationship. He’s been through treatment in the past, although much of it was connected to legal consequences rather than something he voluntarily pursued.
He’s told me countless times that he wants to quit, but he’s also admitted that part of him doesn’t want to because he enjoys how the substance makes him feel.
We’ve discussed tapering, quitting, getting help, and what our future could look like if he gets sober. There have been attempts to stop, but they haven’t lasted.
I don’t think he’s a bad person. I think he’s someone struggling with addiction who genuinely doesn’t know how to get out of it. But I’ve also reached a point where I don’t know how much longer I can continue waiting for things to change.
His substance use has affected nearly every aspect of our relationship, including communication, intimacy, reliability, and trust.
There have been nights when he hasn’t come home when expected, leaving me terrified about whether he’s safe. On one occasion, he mixed substances with alcohol and ended up passing out in his car. I was frantically trying to find him, worried something terrible had happened.
I know I cannot make him get sober. I’ve tried being supportive, understanding, patient, and encouraging. But I also recognize that I’ve spent a lot of time worrying about him and trying to manage situations that are ultimately outside my control.
There has also been infidelity.
Earlier this year, I discovered that he’d been unfaithful. We separated for a period of time but eventually reconciled because we both wanted to try again.
I chose to forgive him, although rebuilding trust has been incredibly difficult.
Recently, I discovered that he’s been having fairly frequent phone conversations with a female coworker whom he describes as a close friend. He apologized when I explained that it hurt me. I don’t have evidence that anything inappropriate is happening, and I don’t want to unfairly accuse him. But after the previous betrayal, situations like this bring back a lot of painful memories.
I hate feeling suspicious. I hate questioning things that might be completely innocent. I don’t want to be someone who constantly worries about what her partner is doing.
We’ve also been attending couples therapy.
We’ve been trying to work on communication, rebuilding trust, intimacy, and how his substance use affects our relationship.
There are times when therapy gives me hope, but then something happens and it feels like we’re right back where we started.
I want marriage and children someday. He has expressed wanting a future with me, but he also wants to accomplish other things first and isn’t ready for those commitments right now. I can respect that, but lately I’ve become increasingly afraid that we’re not moving toward the same future.
This week, we decided to take a break.
After several emotional conversations, my boyfriend told me that he loves me but feels terrible about how much he’s hurt me. He said he hates what he’s put me through and wonders whether he needs to be alone to figure himself out.
He doesn’t know what he wants from his life right now, how to address his addiction, or how to make our relationship better.
We mutually agreed to spend one week living separately, with reduced communication, while remaining together and exclusive. We described it as a pause rather than a goodbye. We also have another couples therapy appointment scheduled during the break.
But I’m terrified that we’re simply delaying an inevitable breakup.
I know nothing significant about his addiction is going to be resolved in seven days. And I’m afraid we’ll get to the end of the week, he’ll still be uncertain about everything, and we’ll just keep extending the separation because neither of us can bear to let go.
Here’s where I’m really struggling: I don’t know if I believe things will ever change.
I desperately want them to. I want him to get healthy. I want us to rebuild trust and have the future we’ve talked about.
But we’ve been through so much already, and I feel emotionally exhausted.
I’m also terrified of being alone.
My boyfriend has been my best friend and primary companion. We did almost everything together, and I don’t have much of a local support system. My closest friends and family live elsewhere or aren’t always available.
When we separated previously, I was incredibly lonely. I barely had a social life, and I spent so much time missing him and hoping we’d reconcile.
I’m afraid of going through that again.
I know that fear of loneliness isn’t a healthy reason to stay in a relationship. But knowing that intellectually doesn’t make the thought of leaving any less devastating.
I’m sitting here surrounded by his belongings, wondering whether I should prepare myself for the end of our relationship. I feel physically sick with sadness and anxiety.
And the worst part is that I still love him so much.
I don’t want to give up on someone who’s struggling. I know addiction is an illness, and I know recovery is possible. But I also know that loving someone doesn’t mean you can save them.
I’m not necessarily asking strangers to tell me whether I should break up with him. I’m asking how people find the courage to leave when they still love someone but are losing hope that things will change.
For anyone who has been in a relationship affected by addiction, infidelity, or repeated broken promises:
How did you know when you’d reached your limit?
Did taking a break ever help, or did it just postpone the breakup?
If you left someone you still loved, how did you cope with the loneliness afterward?
Did you ever regret leaving, or did you eventually find peace with your decision?
If you stayed and things genuinely improved, what actually changed?
I’m especially interested in hearing from people who’ve lived through something similar.
I don’t think my boyfriend is a bad person. I believe he loves me. I just don’t know anymore whether love is enough, and I’m scared of spending years waiting for a future that may never happen.

TL;DR: My boyfriend struggles with addiction, has previously been unfaithful, and is now uncertain about our future. We’ve tried therapy and are currently taking a break. I still love him deeply, but I’m losing hope that things will change. How do you find the strength to leave someone you love when you’re terrified of being alone?

I filed a missing persons report of my boyfriend (ex boyfriend?) because his mother asked me to, she’s too afraid to come to the city I live in to file it at a police station here so of course I will do it. It puts me a bit at ease as much as it does her.

I am angry that it has come to this, I have so so so much trauma from the past year and a half (we’ve been dating since April 2025), how is it possible to have so much trauma in only that little time?

He has relapsed and is missing now. He hasn’t contacted me in 3 full days, longer than ever before. And I’m done, I’m finally done. I’ve taken him to rehab twice, detox too many times to count. One time I spent an entire night in the hospital with him. He’s relapsed over and over and won’t get a therapist. Has done unspeakable things to me. Of course I still love him, but love will no longer conquer logic. He was perfect sober, but I cannot separate sober him from active addiction him. I refuse.

I’m pissed that I went through hell. I’m finally choosing myself for once in my life. My father was an alcoholic, my first serious boyfriend was an alcoholic who I was with for 6 years, and then I came across this man and all the trauma from these previous relationships normalized his behavior to me, but I’ve learned the lesson and I’m ready to get on with my life and get on with what I want. Only took 28 years.

I love you all, I pray for us all. Thank you for reading.

I am so traumatized from the darkness of addiction. I am so traumatized by seeing people I love completely deteriorate and rot by drugs and their shame and their pain. It feels like my life is a scene in Requim for a Dream and I don't even do drugs. I just became addicted to their cycle and trying to save them. My heart is so broken. I am so exhausted I can barely function. Every relapse sends me right into the spiral with them. I miss who they used to be. I am afraid of their death and them losing their teeth. I feel responsible and guilt for the ways I have reacted to their chaos. I know its not true but it doesn't mean it still doesn't have a pull on me. I pray all our addicted loved ones a better life and that they find the light. I pray all of us can heal and maintain our self love and sanity through it. I wouldn't wish any of this on anyone. Its been the hardest experience of my life.

I am so angry!

For context : The father of my child that suffers from addiction. He does go threw dry spells. He checked out being a dad when he our son was 1. Our kid is now 17. And we are back to stage 1.

I do everything, our kid is full time with me. He went for years without not seeing him and then came back in his life when he was 7.

The only thing I ever asked for is that he pay child support. If he is not going to do anything he can at least do that. He is a high functioning addict that always lands very good jobs. He must be on 100k, living with his mother.

He hasn't paid a cent since June.

Ignoring all my emails, he blocked me on WhatsApp. Planning to move to England for work from Ireland.

Excuse my French, he is such a fucking piece of shit!

I'm in France. Recovering maintenance from abroad doesn't really work.

So I'm getting ready to email his employer directly with the maintenance order.

I can't believe I'm back filling out forms, contacting Ministers offices and so on. Such a fucking nuisance. I run my own business and I'm raising a teenager on my own. I don't have time for this shit! I am so angry.

It's always hard to know who is the addict and who is the selfish piece of shit. In this case both!

He is probably giving his dealer 3 grand a month if not more. I'd love to know who his dealer is!!

I'm so fucking angry!

In May, I found my husbands 7 oh bottle. I confronted him and he admitted to using it for about a year. The bottle was just sitting on a table. I assume he meant to hide it but forgot. (I was horrified bc my son and I were in the room playing. Luckily we went into the room at the same time and I saw it before he did. He definitely would’ve assumed it was candy.) When I found it, I looked around the rest of the room and found Zyn’s and multiple bottles of computer cleaner spray (and plastic bags). I’m shocked by all of this. I’ve never done any drugs whatsoever. My husband knows I broke up with someone in college bc of drugs. He admitted to the 7 oh and the Zyn’s but denies doing anything with the computer cleaner spray. He says he was using kratom at first then went to 7oh.

Looking back, I feel like an idiot. His sleep pattern was off, he was irritable/moody, reoccurring scab on his face etc. We had a huge fight in March when he said he was “bored” and wanted a divorce. He’s never said this before. He said he was trying to “get a reaction out of me” a few days later and said he didn’t mean it. But how do I just move on from something like that? So we weren’t in a good place for a few months prior to me finding the 7oh.

About 3 years ago, I was prescribed prescription pain medicine for a wisdom tooth removal that I never took. It was just kept in the cabinet. I noticed about a year later that it was missing. He said that he took it when his sciatica flared up. I was kinda bothered that he didn’t ask and wouldn’t have told me but I didn’t have any real suspicions at this time. About 2 years ago, our son was prescribed a stimulant medication. Our son took a few doses but didn’t react well to it so we didn’t continue it for him. Once I discovered the 7 oh, I went to the cabinet to look for the stimulant and it was gone too. He admitted that he took it when I confronted him. He’s a stay at home dad to a son with special needs and says that he had a lot going on which is why he turned to all of this. His dad also passed away last year.

For years I told him to see a provider bc I felt that he had mood swings and wondered if he had bipolar disorder or if he was just depressed. He’s kind of a loner and I felt that without any friends or hobbies, of course he’d be depressed to a degree. But our son has been in school for a few years now and I encouraged him to get a hobby, make some friends, or even get a job for a few hours each week just to get out of the house. But he never did. After I found the 7oh, he made an appt with a psychiatrist about a month later. Idk what was discussed but he was put on fluoxetine and has been on it since. He says he’s not using anything at all anymore. (Still denies the computer cleaner spray.) And he has been sleeping better, getting up early, working out. He’s now looking for a job for a few hours each week.

I started therapy this past summer because I don’t know what to do. And I really still don’t know. I can see that he’s making an effort but I feel like I still walk on eggshells at home. He has good periods but he’s sometimes bothered by small things. But mainly, underneath all of this, I’m heartbroken. I feel like maybe the right word for what I feel is disillusionment. The trust is gone. I feel like I’m on edge all the time thinking that there is something going on and I don’t know. I’m not sleeping well and my appetite is not great. I’m just stressed everyday at baseline. And thinking about the prescription meds that he took makes me feel like this is a pattern. I haven’t told any of my family or friends. I hoped therapy would guide me (and it has helped) but I’m not sure how I’m supposed to just move on, trust again and go back to my usual self. My therapist asked me what I would need to see from him in order to be more at ease and I truly have no idea. Bc I’m happy he seems to be trying. But how can you continue in a relationship with no trust? Its been months and I just feel stuck. I care for him but I don’t want to be an idiot. Looking for genuine advice. Thanks for reading.

hi everyone, so sorry we are all going through this right now.

my best friend, who i love dearly, has been battling addiction for many years now, both of us are only 21. she is a coke addict now, she wasn’t when i first met her. she is a poly addict and cycles through addictions every year or so. i just want her to get help, i think we can all relate.

she has no family left, no adult responsible for her. her partner is out of the country travelling for the next month. this means she’s just gotten worse pretty immediately.

luckily i am not responsible for her rent if she doesn’t pay it, but we do split bills. she hasn’t missed any yet but she’s unemployed and due to her use she hasn’t applied to a single job in our area, not even since we moved into our flat a month ago. what happens if she doesn’t? what happens if the account is in her name and i can’t access it (eg. i have to get her sectioned).

I can’t believe that this is life right now. I am 25f and Q is 27m. We have been together 7 years now and it’s been perfect. He’s always consumed drugs but has preached about harm reduction and how educated he is.

However, he recently had an overdose and since then it’s all went downhill. He is using behind my back, destroying himself. He is finally realising it’s an issue. He’s started NA, but he’s still using everyday, and I’m getting the constant lip service of false promises and hope. It’s truly exhausting.

I know the situation could be a lot worse, he’s still highly functioning, holding down his job (remote work), and seems to be financially okay. However I’m a worrier, and it’s consuming me. I’m trying so very hard to step back, and to stop mothering, and see if he can show me that he can still be my partner. I just don’t know if it’s that simple.

Anyway, I’m feeling very lost and alone. I have hope and I don’t know if it’s naive to hold on to it. It’s breaking me up seeing this happen, I’m still in disbelief. I think I will start Nar-Anon on Monday. I just feel like this is a losing battle. It’s shattering me, I just had so much excitement for the future before this, now he’s a shadow of the man I love and adore. There’s so much more I could say, but I will leave it here for now. I needed to vent to people who may be in similar situations.

He has never cut off communication, he has ignored calls and texts but turning it off is next level to me. On Sunday night he told me he was suicidal after relapsing but I thought we got through it with a long good talk. He stopped using and even went to work Monday.

I called him Monday evening asking if he would come over bc I was so worried about him and he got angry after I asked him to promise me he’ll come over. He was pissed about me not trusting his word, even though he has lied to me soooo many times like of course I’m going to be nervous. Then he hung up on me and turned off his phone calling capabilities I guess. He’s never done this before and I’m scared he’ll hurt himself.

What is there even to do? Even if our relationship is over, I don’t want him to hurt himself for fuck sake. Im freaking out. What do I do?

Update: I just wanted to let you all know that he had called me at 4am 48 hours later. He is safe but we are at a completely terrible spot of our relationship. I wish he could stay sober. He is my dream man who I want to spend my life with when he’s sober. But I don’t think he can stay sober. Even now, after being sober since Thursday. he’s suddenly not texting back and not accepting my calls. It is what it is. I have to finally move on. I hope he can help himself. What an amazing man and soul, to throw himself away for drugs boggles the mind. He is such an incredible person, smart, charismatic, handsome, so so funny. My heart breaks.