AMEX
Centurion. You did it. You reached the top of the mountain. How does it feel? Was it worth it? You’ve spent millions of dollars each year — enough to support hundreds of impoverished families — to qualify for the privilege of a massive buy-in and annual fee. You could have saved a rainforest, but you didn’t. This card is an awful earner for your millions in spend, but it doesn’t matter. The satisfaction you feel when you tap that black card for a $7 coffee makes quartering your point earn worthwhile. In practice, your Centurion rep is not as talented as your other two corporate assistants.
Platinum. You spend whole days each year trying to “break even” on a $700 card. You probably earn 1x on almost all spending you put on the card. You lie to yourself, claiming that you use Equinox and Walmart+. You probably tell everyone that this is “the most premium card you can apply for,” when really it’s just a huge profit driver for AMEX. You self-justify during the two annual occasions in which you use an overcrowded Centurion Lounge, and purposely book red eyes to avoid the lines. You don’t even get primary auto rental insurance.
Schwab Platinum. Same as above, but you decided to save $200 per year by moving no less than $1.5M into Schwab managed accounts. You tell literally everyone about the 1.1 cpp cashout, even though cashback individuals would almost certainly be better off with other setups. You probably forewent ~70k MR SUB points in order to get the Schwab variant over the vanilla variant.
Morgan Stanley Platinum. Same as above, but you use a brokerage that no one has in their top three. At least you get the first authorized user for free, allowing you to wait in line with family members at Centurion lounges while talking to them about your five-year credit card plan. You probably forewent ~70k MR SUB points in order to get the Morgan Stanley variant over the vanilla variant.
Gold. You agonize over the monthly restaurant credits. You’re constantly trying to remember whether you’ve already used Grubhub this month. For some reason, you call AMEX customer support more than Platinum and Centurion customers. You tell literally everybody about your Gold card, but people just respond by asking whether you’re active duty military or native american. You’re probably just a metrosexual.
Green. You meant to get a Chase Sapphire Reserve, but you got denied. You’ve never impressed anyone with this card, and you never discuss it. Friends ask, “what happened to your Gold card?” You decided to acquire this card to try Clear, but realized the service usually takes just as much time as going through the precheck line at most airports.
Blue Business Plus. You watched 40 credit card Youtubers tell you that it’s alright to put personal spend on a business card. You’re pretty sure that you can, but constantly worry about your next IRS audit. They probably won’t care, right? Right? At least you earn 2x MR points on everything you buy, which is pretty good! Hopefully, other white collar inmates will think you’re cool.
Blue Cash Preferred. You probably have a Chase trifecta but agonized over grocery spend. Welcome to AMEX. The Disney bundle is your first coupon to clip — hope you prefer Captain Marvel over literally every other streaming service. You constantly check whether you are close to hitting your $6000 spending cap for the year, and wonder whether it makes sense to get another grocery card. Your 6% streaming category probably nets you around $6 per year. You use the 3% gas category, even though you can definitely do better.
Blue Cash Everyday. You probably have 10 credit cards. You signed up for this one despite mid-tier gas and grocery rewards, because the effective annual fee was negative. Enjoy Hulu and Home Chef. Although folks frequently discuss the 3% online retail category, you’re probably better off with a flat 2x card like the Blue Business Plus or Venture X.
Everyday Preferred. Not bad for people who use grocery stores thirty times per month, in order to reach the adequate earn rates. What? You only go to the grocery store 8 times per month? No worries! Check out each item individually! If you make it past the fraud alerts and account closures, you’re set! You are also hopelessly single. Sorry, folks with the Chase trifecta — look elsewhere.
BANK OF AMERICA
Customized Cash Rewards. Your favorite pasttime is inventing protracted scenarios to show why your setup is marginally better than someone else's. But you only get to make such a claim for the singular 3% category you can choose, for which you'd earn 5.25% with Platinum Honors. Except people with a Custom Cash and a Rewards+ are laughing you out the building at 5.55%, so what are we even doing here? Let's also remember that a 3-4x MR/UR card might effectively out-earn both. You either need like 3 of these for this to be worthwhile or else the reward for parking you money at no one's favorite bank is a wannabe Custom Cash and underwhelming 3.5% on grocery cards. Pretty good 3.5% on wholesale clubs, though. But go ahead — tell me how much you love Bank of America, a bank that's been contracting since 2008.
Unlimited Cash Rewards. We get it, you earn 2.625% on all spending. It's a pretty good cashback rate. But folks on team travel will tell you that, with a 2x catch-all card, they need a 1.31+ cpp redemption. That's not a tough sell. By the way, I'd say you aren't fun at parties but if you have this card, then you don't go to parties at all. Theres a 90% chance you eventually move your money and switch to a U.S. Bank Altitude Reserve.
Note: Bank of America has three equally underwhelming travel cards. If you have these cards, then (1) your dad added you as an authorized user, (2) you're already collecting from social security, or (3) your trust fund happens to be through Merrill Lynch.
CAPITAL ONE
Quicksilver. This card is probably named for the Marvel superhero "Quicksilver" to commemorate how short this card falls once visible on-screen. Be honest. You hate this card too, but it was your first. You got 14 mailers for the Quicksilver before relenting, because they knew you were too soft too resist. There is no reason to have or use this card, but that doesn't stop Capital One from marketing this as a premium card for people who wear designer clothing; unfortunately, the only premiums here are those that Capital One earns through interest on its subprime creditholders.
Savor. By itself, your card earns mid-tier rewards on grocery and dining. And, while you got it for the 10% Uber benefit, you've come to realize that this benefit was painfully temporary, ike all joy in this world. As a coping mechanism, you recommend this card to literally everyone, regardless of circumstance or usefulness. This card, when paired with the Venture X, is pretty good at earning transferable points. It’s too bad that your transfer partners are primarily overseas airlines that your family would refuse to fly on. See Venture X.
Venture. You got this card accidentally. You meant to get the Venture X. They won’t let you product change. You’re in limbo.
Venture X. 40 credit card Youtubers recommended that you get this card. You tell literally everyone that this card has no flaws. But you’ve always considered putting travel spend on other cards with greater earn rates, giving up your travel insurance. You’ve probably never seen a C1 lounge, nor have you ever used a generic priority pass lounge. You’ve always hated travel portals, but you’ve started telling people they don’t rip you off “that much.” You are totally unfamiliar with most of the transfer partners. You had to google what kind of night show “Accor Live Limitless” was. You’ve never flown Air Canada, nor British Airways, but thought maybe you’d fly with them eventually. For every new loyalty program you join to transfer points, you will receive promotional emails in perpetuity. Perhaps you tell people that it’s super easy and convenient to book qualified United award flights through Turkish Airlines a year in advance, subject to blackout dates. News flash, 26-year old financial guru: it’s not.
CHASE
Freedom Rise. Your older brother suggested you use Chase because he has a checking account there. Congratulations, you just started and you’ve already committed to getting a Chase Trifecta. Don’t spend your $25 SUB all at once.
Freedom. You either forget you owned this card, or you’re a credit card pro. As such, cardholders either purchase $0 or $1500 per quarter — no in between. You value your Costco membership above having a strictly better Flex card introduced by Chase. One day, you will grow tired of fighting Chase to keep this card. Until then, enjoy your quarterly calls to customer service to explain why you do not want to product change. Oh, and cherish the three months a year where Chase doesn’t hang you out to dry for groceries.
Freedom Flex. This card sits in the sock drawer for roughly half the year. For the remaining quarters, you manufacture spending and drain your checking account. This might be the closest thing to an in-person grocery card that Chase has. Hope you didn’t want to use this at Costco.
Freedom Unlimited. You constantly try to cope with the fact that you earn 1.5x as a catch-all, instead of 2x with AMEX, Chase, or Citi. You have 32 paragraphs written out explaining why Hyatt justifies receiving 25% fewer points per dollar, compared to other issuers. You agonize about the 5/24 rule. AMEX friends describe your setup as “tacky,” or “cute.”
Sapphire Preferred. You live in fear of Hyatt being discontinued as a Chase partner. You have no idea how to use the $50 portal credit without overpaying by a similar sum. You have Instacart+ and Pelotan credits but will never use either. You have excellent travel protection but frequently consider putting travel expenses on other cards with better earn rates. You literally cry when someone mentions "buying groceries in-person." You contemplate switching to the AMEX Gold a few times per year.
Sapphire Reserve. You live in fear of Hyatt being discontinued as a Chase partner. You struggle to justify the $250 effective annual fee. You tell AMEX folks that, at least, you don’t have statement credits to work through. But you do — there’s Lyft Pink, DoorDash, Instacart+, and Peloton — but you aren’t aware that you need to use them. You’ve also never used a normal priority pass lounge — your main airports may not even have one. You wish you had an AMEX Platinum every time you pass a Centurion Lounge. But those Sapphire lounges have to be coming soon, right?
J.P. Morgan Reserve. You could have had the substantively similar Sapphire Reserve, but you wanted to one-up your rich friends with the AMEX Centurion. Everyone mistakes this card for the Platinum, and will ask you how much you love the concierge. You won’t be rich for long.
Ritz Carlton. has a a good option for credit card lifers who, oddly, stay at Marriott hotels like 4 times per year. Some credit card YouTuber told you to get this card. Thankfully, it was a good fit; you’re the kind of person who orders off-menu from fast food restaurants. It was discontinued 6-7 years ago, but I’m sure your five year plan to acquire it will work out. At least you gain access to the singular Sapphire lounge — that’ll show those morons with the Bonvoy Brilliant! By the way, your status is pointless within the United States — and if you have this card, you probably think about traveling internationally a lot but never go further than North America. You still don’t understand how the flight credit works.
Marriott Boundless. You are desperately trying to figure out how to turn this into a Ritz Carlton card. It's an alright card for what is likely the best hotel chain. That's a bit like being the "best" type of heart disease. Decent multiplier for Marriott properties, with an annual fee ordinarily justified by the presence of a 35k point free night certificate. But have you ever tried to use one of these? Hope you like listening to domestic abuse next door in your complimentary one-night stay at a TownePlace Suites.
IHG [Anything]. You must like Kimpton enough to justify countless out-of-date resorts, totally devalued points, and a chain that is in no one’s top three. You’ve never heard of Accor live limitless, but you’ll be switching to them in around three years when you’re tired of IHG. Ranked #2 in the world for hotels with Gold and Green curtains — somehow behind Trump Hotels.
World of Hyatt. This car has never seen the outside of your sock drawer, serving only to increase the quality of life during your occassional reward stays. Your loyalty program is overrun by every 25-year old with a Chase trifecta — including you. 90% of Hyatt hotels are identical and depressing. Nicer Hyatts (e.g. Thompson, Andaz) are disproportionately expensive, artificially driving up your perceived redemption rate. You will switch to a cashback setup if Hyatt gets removed from the Chase Trifecta.
Ink [Anything]. You have absolutely no loyalty to anything in life. You churn through credit card issuers like you move through relationships. You outright lie about your revenue or income to the bank. You don’t wonder whether or not personal spend can go on business cards — you’re certain that it may. You get, like, three of these per year for your “resale business.” You tell literally everyone about the Chase 5/24 rule. You are a member of r/churning.
Amazon. This card is fine if you plan to maintain a lifelong addiction to unsustainable warehouse conditions and two-day shipping. Every time you check Amazon, you find fewer and fewer brands you’ve heard of: TASALON stools, TOONOW blankets, and TERLULU silverware. But if you’re into outsourced production and corporate overloads, I guess this is fine.
CITI
Custom Cash. Your credit limit is probably $600, which is fine because you earn 1% on anything above $500 within a category. You log-in almost daily toward the end of the month due to the anxiety of exceeding the cap. You think this card is a good fit for literally everybody. You probably have three of these, just like you probably have three partners you hope don't find out about one another. You also probably have a Chase trifecta, seeking out a grocery or gas card. But you will invariably get sucked into the Citi ecosystem, until horrible customer service experiences or subpar transfer partners drive you away.
Double Cash. You’re a boring person and have absolutely no stand-out features as a human being. Everyone else will recommend that you next get a Custom Cash, then a Premier — advice which you will accept. If you choose another ecosystem, this card will become useless or replaceable. Welcome to Citi, sucker.
Premier. You fell in love with the reward categories, and have a weird fixation on travel portals. You are either a credit card amateur or a credit card professional, depending on whether you took on these transfer partners unknowingly or intentionally. You also have no real travel insurances or priority pass. You google “Citi Strata update 2024” three times per week.
Rewards+. Everyone who has this card was, at one point, a gamer. No idea why. Also for people who want to make a lifelong commitment to Citi bank. It’s like those who get stuck in a bad marriage but decides to renew vows anyway.
Costco Anywhere. Do you wish you could convert more of your liquid cash into gift certificates? You’re in luck. Here, you can accrue rewards all year — in convenient gift certificates instead of inconvenient liquid money. You didn’t realize that you could get 2% (or more) back at Costco with an array of alternative cards. You are literally the most frugal person in the world, but that doesn’t mean you’re good with money. You’ll one day build a survival shelter, probably.
CREDIT ONE
[Anything]. You were probably scammed. You might have the basis for a valid legal claim. Next, I have a bridge to sell you.
DISCOVER
It. You’re 19 years old and probably attend a big state school. Discover hopes that one high-value year is enough to keep you as a customer for life. It won’t be. After opening an It as your first credit card, you will find its usefulness wanes after the first-year cashback match expires. After that, you spend the rest of your life wondering whether it’s a good time to cancel.
U.S. BANK
Cash+. If you have this card, you’re an advanced cashback user. It’s a fine card — 5% back on utilities, internet, TV and streaming. It’s unique categories allow us to overlook the fact that your credit limit is probably $2,000 — and that you’ve been noticing diminishing returns from the credit card game for a long time.
Shopper Cash. Probably not worthwhile, except for a narrow subset of use cases. You probably shop at Walmart, but would be better off getting Walmart+ and calling it a day. Assuming you maximize your 6% categories, you earn $360/year, or $265 after the annual fee. You’ll stop using this card in about two years.
Smartly. Let's pretend for a second that this 4% catch-all card is sustainable once U.S. Bank realizes that people parking funds is not sufficiently revenue generating to justify coughing up this much value. In such a world, these would be strong rewards. But there will be a nerf, and the joke will be on you. And there's a hidden annual fee: the opportunity cost on superior savings or money market rates elsewhere on $100,000 or more. If you walk out of a car dealership and the salesmen high five, you got scammed; well, the U.S. Bank executives haven't stopped clapping since Smartly's release.
Altitude Go. It’s a great starter card for those seeking a secured option to build credit. 4% dining is decent cashback. But you’ll inevitably put this card in the sock drawer once you find a 5% or 3x dining alternative. You’re probably trying to find the right time to cancel.
Altitude Connect. 4% on gas or EV charging is the lone highlight on this card. It's simply outclassed. When you buy cars, you go to Car and Driver and sort from worst to best within a segment. For some reason, I am certain that these cardholders also bank with U.S. Bank.
Altitude Reserve. This unusual card could have made U.S. Bank a powerhouse — but didn’t. You probably got this card before making mobile payment a habit, and you’re not sure whether you’ll stick to it long-term. First, you need to get approved for this card — but probably won’t. Second, you need to settle for no more than 4.5% back on any given category. Third, you can’t pool your U.S. Bank points from other cards for the 1.5 cpp redemptions. Admittedly, it’s sweet to get 1.5 cpp on all travel redemptions, even at brands with low-value loyalty points like Hilton or Marriott. Your new favorite mantra is “do you take Apple Pay?” Your friends and loved ones roll their eyes when you ask that in a crowded bar or sit-down restaurant. They hate when you stop at a gas station, but begin looking for another once you find it does not accept mobile wallet payments. You can’t easily overcome the $60-75 effective annual fee. But you do get to visit underwhelming priority pass lounges up to eight (8) times per year. Maybe that’s enough!
WELLS FARGO
Autograph. So you applied for a middle-of-the-pack cashback card with the hopes of unlocking forthcoming transfer partners? Keep waiting. You listen intently when they tell you that these delays are to “get things right,” when obviously these delays were sparked by disarray to mitigate an underwhelming release. You wish you had the Chase trifecta. Your credit limit is probably $2,500.
Active Cash. You’re naive and impatient. You signed onto the first 2% card you heard about. You probably shop at Costco. You wait desperately for the transfer partners, which are delayed about as often as the Tesla Cybertruck. You live in denial with the belief that these partners will include American or Hyatt — when you’ll be lucky if they rival Citi.
Bilt Mastercard. You rent, and will never be able to afford a mortgage. Especially because you’re apparently allergic to SUBs. You’re certainly under the age of 32. This is essentially a Chase Sapphire Preferred with no ecosystem. You manufacture 40% of your monthly spend to occur on Rent Day. You live in fear of the “nerf,” or of Bilt declaring bankruptcy. You probably fly American Airlines and constantly check whether others have added it as a transfer partner. Your credit limit is probably $2,500.
REDSTONE FCU
Signature. You are from the northeast, yet pilfered this local credit union for its credit card offering. Sorry, credit lifers — you can no longer get this card if you live outside of TN and AL. For those who already have it, I hope you feel good about yourselves. You joined some weird organization you’ve never heard of, just so you could schedule a Skype call with a nice, elderly staff member. You then lied straight to the face of this sweet old southern lady. Yes, you were very interested in Redstone's other financial offerings. Of course, you wanted to open that checking account. And you just happened to have a natural fondness for credit unions and southern charm. For your dishonesty, you are condemned to the most confusing portal of any credit card issuer, finding that your points oddly double then halve themselves. It might be the least convenient cashback card on the market. You recommend this card to literally everyone, mostly to remind them that you have it. You live in constant fear of nerfs.
BREAD FINANCIAL (FKA COMENITY)
AAA Daily Advantage. The categories are great. The rewards are great. The app is trash, and the customer service is worse. You’re almost better off getting paper notices. Rebranding can evade reputation for some, but the rest of us remember when Comenity ruined everyone’s credit scores for months. If you’re thinking about taking the plunge, you almost certainly have a Chase Trifecta or a young cashback setup. You frequently wonder whether it’s worthwhile to eat the annual fee and switch to the AMEX Blue Cash Preferred.
AAA Travel Advantage. For most people, this is a poorer card than the Daily Advantage, but it has good categories and rewards. The customer service and app are woefully underwhelming. If you get this card, I just assume you drive an ICE Hummer or super-duty pickup. You’re almost certainly on team cashback, and have about 6 cards that you don’t use.
[Anything]. Enjoy your store card, prick. You were definitely misled by some retail worker. Hopefully, that Bed, Bath & Beyond or Victoria’s Secret card was a good investment for you. People just organically assume that you have credit card debt.
SYNCHRONY
PayPal. You’re middle-aged, and have no idea what Venmo is. The rewards structure is decent, but you likely impulse applied for this card too quickly to consider whether it was the best choice.
Venmo. You're at most 24 years old and, for some reason, are always hanging with the boys. Your favorite alcohol is beer. You get 3% on one category and 2% on another — so it's basically a worse version of a BOA CCR and so many other cards. But if you want this card to be even more useless, you can turn your cashback into Crypto. Just watch those rewards exhaust themselves!
Sam’s Club. Pretty decent for Sam’s Club and gas purchases, with a slightly more flexible rewards structure than Costco. But your off-brand Costco card is unlikely to make up for the fact that you brought discount flowers to your first date, or refused to tip the staff at your wedding venue. Like the Costco card, I sure hope you value store credit just as highly as liquid money.
Verizon. Do you value “Verizon Dollars,” more than liquid money? This is the only card earning this patented currency on the entire market! Good earning structure, though. I’d warn you about Synchrony’s customer service, but you have Verizon — you’re used to it.
[Anything]. Enjoy your store card, prick. You were definitely misled by some retail worker at Mattress Firm or American Eagle. People just organically assume that you have credit card debt.
FIRST NATIONAL BANK OF OMAHA
Amtrak. Underrated card with solid point earn and solid 2.5 cpp redemptions for those alone the Northeast Regional line. Did you make the mistake of living elsewhere, in a country which woefully underfunds rail transport? It's not for you. Glad you can redeem for aspirational experiences like a coach seat on a 90 minute train where you're immediately treated like a second-class citizen by staff.
LUXURY CARDS
[Anything]. You are either insufferable or gullible. You enter a liquor store and buy the most expensive bottle — with zero understanding if its the best. You buy cars for over MSRP. You probably speculate in real estate on the side. You post in r/personalfinance about your struggles to make ends meet with a $150,000 income. You have a serious gambling problem.
GOLDMAN SACHS
Apple Card. You're reading this on your iPhone 16 Pro Max. You kept reminding your friends that the new one "has titanium, bro." You got the credit card for the same reason. You purchased the most premium feeling card, just to upload it into an Apple Wallet and throw it into a sock drawer. You have, at most, two credit cards. You get 2% on almost all Apple Pay, which is almost as good as a 2% catch-all card. You also tell people about the 4% savings account, when anyone could access higher yields elsewhere. Goldman Sachs is backing out of this deal just as fast as the users who made the mistake of procuring one.
I’d love to hate on more card offerings. Anyone have suggestions?
EDIT: Can't believe this became the #1 post on our sub-Reddit. That's awesome. Thank you for the support, everyone!